Surliness

Have you ever watched the TV show, House?  I was watching a rerun of it the other night.  The main character, Dr. House is a surly guy who is rude to everyone and believes in nothing, but who is uber smart and can diagnose things others can't.  So he has no friends except for one poor oncologist.  In the episode I just saw, this friend just lets House have it and tells him, "you just want to push this friendship so far until it breaks and then you can again believe that relationships are crap and you have no need for them" or something like that.

Anyhow, House gets the picture and stops abusing his friend, well, for like serious illegal things anyways.  But it got me to thinking about a friend of mine who is just as surly and does not believe in anything, whether its fate or God or the goodness of people.  I initially thought it was pretty cool b/c it was different from anything I'd come across - but years on it's like, wow, how long can you stay so jaded?  Yeah, I was once jaded and doubted many, many things, but that was my post adolescence.  By now, at nearly 30 I've come to believe in things after I looked at the other side and made an informed decision, whether it was rational, irrational, whatever.  But this person seems to look down on me for having beliefs.  At first I felt bad about it,  but now I see this person like House - a glutton for punishment who doesn't want to need anyone or anything.  Sad, really.


Pasted in from myspace blog 3/23/14

Yahoo Photos

Wtf?  After spending countless hours uploading my photos to yahoo, I sign in today and they're closing!  Seriously, dude, wtf?  It lists five places you can switch them to, which include snapfish, photo bucket and a Kodak thing that I know I have an account for from a group I was part of a few years back, but damn.  Any suggestions of where to store my evicted photographs?  Any idea why yahoo is getting rid of photos?  I know they had a shareholder meeting the other day, but damn, is photo storage that high on the list of priorities? 

In other news, I am still looking for a computer.  I am going to get one, I just have to really make up my mind on which one.  Jon tells me I should have at least 1 GB of RAM, I think it is, idk, cuz some of the things I was looking at only had 512 MB.   Yeah, cuz I can only spend $500.  I'm paying cash. 

In other news, my 30th birthday is a month away.  Yippee yi yay!  Friday the 13th is the big day, but the celebration in on Saturday the 14th.  A bbq-like event in Hammond.  Starting around 3, a family affair, so kiddies can come.  Gavit is also having an all alumni reunion that weekend.  Saturday night is in Chicago at the Cubby Bear and Sunday afternoon is a picnic at Wicker Park.  See the Gavit page for more specific info.  ( I just tried to do a link, but it wouldn't work - this computer is FREAKING out)

Anyhow, feel free to come dressed as your favorite decade (I'm referring to my party, not Gavit's, but hell, if the mood strikes you).  1950s - awesome, gel your hair and get your poodle skirt.  1980s - rad - break out the mohawks.  1990s - cool, break out the earth tones and tight roll your pants (for guidance, see my profile pic :-)

Holla.

Pasted in from myspace blog 3/23/14

Life or something like it

Only have five minutes before library puter boots me.  Yes, it's been three months since Mike died.  Yes, it seems like longer - it feels like a lifetime.  Yes, I miss him terribly and think of him most minutes out of the day.  I have stopped the relentless sobbing at night, at least most nights.

Working two jobs now.  Got a part time gig doing bookkeeping.  Going up to Hammond this weekend for Father's Day.  Got my gifts and everything.  Man am I on the ball or what?

Getting up to last century - bought a DVD player the other day.  Then found out my TV only has the cable hookup so had to buy a modulator, etc.  but did it last night and hooked it up all by myself.  Yay me.  I can listen to CDs on it and look at my photo CDs on there, too.  Yeah, you probably already knew that, but you've probably had a DVD player for ten years, unlike my broke ass self who has been living a life of poverty (albeit with a life of service) up until well, still, really.  But less service.  Funny how becoming more materialistic seems to make me feel better... Damn, am I going straight to hell now or what?  I don't think a DVD player is THAT  materialistic, but still, its kind of disconcerting to realize that a piece of machinery made me feel better, at  least for a little while.

Pasted in from myspace blog on 3/23/14

One of those question thingees

Go to your page and list the last twelve people who have commmented you. If someone has commented twice, skip to the next new commenter. Skip bands.

Okay, I don't have twelve different people who left comments - but I'll do 1-9.

1.) Kris
2.) Jenn
3.) Ethereal (my cousin)
4.) Ronald
5.) Christina
6.) Phil
7.) Becky
8.) Butch
9.) Adam

Q: Have you ever kissed 7?
A: On the cheek, I'm sure

Q: What's the best memory you have of 9?
A:  Hmm...that's a hard one - when he first came home from the hospital, and more recently, all the late nights at 24 hour restaurants in NWI

Q: When's the next time you're gonna see 4?:
A: Wow, that's a good question, probably not anytime soon

Q: Is number 1 beautiful?
A: Absolutely, inside and out

Q: What was your first impression of number 7?
A: There's a new friend for me to play with! (we were 5)

Q: How did you meet 11?:
A: No number 11, too bad

Q: Is 10 your best friend?:
A: No number 10, so sad

Q: Have you seen 6 running around like a maniac
A: Yeah, and singing "Because I got high" Bizarre

Q: Do you think 2 has a crush on you?
A: You bet your ass she does

Q: What is the last thing you did with 12?
A: No number 12 boo hoo

Q: Have you ever been in 2's house?
A: Not the one she lives in now, but I was outside one she stayed in before

Q: Would you ever kiss 5?:
A: I don't think her boyfriend would appreciate it

Q: Have you ever slept in the same room as 4?:
A: Wow, that's a hard one - I think so, yes

Q: When's the next time you'll see 10?:
A: No #10, cry me a river

Q: Are you really close to 4?:
A: No - what is the obsession with number 4?

Q: Have you ever kissed 8?
A: Ha, no, don't think his fiancee would much approve (esp. since he has a graphic on his page that says, beware I have a psycho girlfriend or something like that)

Q: Have you ever been to the movies with 3?
A: Strangely, no

Q: Have you ever gotten in trouble with 8:
A: Trouble, hmm, well if you consider climbing up the side of a building to get in trouble, then maybe - (but no one got caught, so does it really count ;-)

Q: When's the last time you saw 6?
A: circa 2003

Q: Do you even know 9? (number 2 asks whats your best memory of 9, then this question, whatever)
A: Considering he's my brother, yes

Q: Would you give number 1 a hug?
A: Of course, I'd give 'em all a hug

Sign of the times

So, I'm here at the university's digital learning place converting one of our family's home movies from VHS to DVD.  It is a real time station, so my video is playing here in this lab while it is being recorded to DVD.  Luckily, there aren't a lot of people in here and we can have the sound down w/o it affecting the recording.  But anyhoo, it is hilarious seeing this, even though I did get a teary eye or two as well.  My cousins that I just saw a few weeks ago or on here as infants and children.  Less obvious things, like the trees we used to have in our back yard and the neighbors former dog, also brought a wave of nostalgia.  Oh wait, now THIS is funny.  I just looked over and now its playing our "Saturday Night Live" skits we taped at our cousins house.  Adam did his church lady impersonation - ha, he's doing the skip dance right now!  Oh now its me being Shaneequa, a recurring character in the 90s whose tag line was, "I will CUT you"   Wow I did the snaps and the head swivel and everything.  Good times.  Oh no, library closes in half an hour!  I don't think I'll be able to get it all by then.  Guess I'll be back tomorrow....

Pasted in from myspace blog 3/23/14. Update: the character's name is really Zoraida. Shaneequa was another character the actress played on SNL. I tried to find a video, but it's not available in my country.

Back in Laf

Back here in Lafayette. Once I'm here, I feel like I want to be here, once I'm up in Hammond, I feel like I want to be there. Wow, am I like three years old or what?
Anyhoo, made it back fine. Need to unload the furniture from Mike's place from my car into my apartment. No fun :-( I am very physically weak and this will take me quite awhile. So better get to it. Later gators :-)

Pasted in from myspace blog 3/23/14- note: when I say I am very physically weak, I don't mean from sickness, I mean in general, as in I have trouble lifting heavy things

Memorial Day

Drinking/eating a root beer float.  Waiting for my bro to get home from work.  Worked my ass off today.  Moved shit out of Mike's office - some to storage, some is going to my apartment.  Digging up plants at Mike's Mom's house and walking them down the street to plant at my Mom's.  That was fun b/c Mary got to get out and about and we took Lace, but I worked my butt off.  I mean no joke.  We went by first to assess the situation, then went back to dig up the flowers we needed, then walked those down to my Mom's house, then I dug the holes which sucked b/c there are so many roots there from the trees.  Then I had to go back to get the charger for her wheelchair, and an extension cord.  Blah blah blah.  I totally was not expecting to have to move as much shit as I did out of the office today, I thought I was gonna go in, get my stuff and go.  Umm no.    Whatever, the planting part was fun, just a helluva lot more work than I thought it would be.   And I forgot I was planning on driving home tonight, d'oh.  I am feeling uber bitchy tonight.  Not looking forward to work tomorrow - working both jobs, but I feel like there is so much here that still needs to be done.  As much as I don't want to live up here, I have so much here it is so hard to keep going back and forth.   I'm also bitchy b/c it always sucks going back to normal life after vacation.  Am I right? ;-)

Speaking of normal life, I really need to take the damn LSAT.  How about I study for it, like for more than five minutes?  That would be awesome.  Why am I cussing so much.  Must be a symptom of bitchiness.  And can someone please tell me how to add ppl to my preferred list?  I found something online, and it started out okay, but then when I finally found the person thru the search thing, it didn't have anything to click on to make them preferred.

On a brighter note, vacation was awesome!  Thanks Ethereal and Jouli for inviting us into your homes!  It is always so much funner to stay with ppl than to stay in hotels, imho.   See you guys next year.

Pasted in from myspace blog 3/23/14

Delayed Reaction Part II - Sick of the Bullshit!

Another delayed reaction - anger!

I took the high road but hell, I'm over the high road.  Here's a message I got from Ashley after Mike died and before the funeral.

Mar 15, 2007 9:11 PM
Subject: mike
I know i have never talked to you really or anything but i would really like you to get over mike. he was a completly different person then what you knew him back then. and all this mike and sabrina shit is makin me sick. you are messed up in the head if you can honestly say that he was a true friend. I know shit you dont and i wouldnt want you to keep puttin yourself through all this pain and hurt for someone who didnt care for you back. i would know i lived with him for a year and listened to everything he had to say and did everything i could for the man and now i am messed up in the head and have to get help for it now. if anything your the lucky one. i dont care who you show this to show it to everyone they are not goin to believe me but i dont care. Yes i loved him and yes i miss him a tone i cry everyday but no one had to go through what i went through just to try to be happy no one did it but me. no one that is goin to the wake or the funeral knows the real mike , none of you had to look in his eyes as he layed lifeless on the grass, none of you gave him cpr, none of you did any of that i did. all i tried to keep him together and he fought me every inch of the way. to me everyone that has known mike has been fake or has turned fake. for his own father to say "michael why would do this to your family, why would you do this to me?" and then turn around and say that he killed himself and then and only when he finds out that he didnt does he change his tone and says that mike is his hero is fake to me. all of you are bein fake about this. you can rememeber mike the way you want and i will remember mike the way i want just think about what i said and look and listen monday and tuesday and see if things match up!!!!
--------------------------------------------------------------

Nothing like sticking together in times of crisis, huh?

Well, in other news, Mike's funeral is paid off.  Now just have to get enough money for a headstone.  Hey Ashley, since you're so sick of the Mike-Sabrina stuff, how 'bout you take care of that?  Oh wait, no, you didn't return any phone calls and just left Mike in the morgue and then sent me a shitty letter b/c I actually helped make the arrangements.  Awesome.  We almost didn't get to have an open casket funeral b/c his body was left too long.    Wait, what was that you had to say, oh Mike was an asshole to you?  Interesting, so why didn't you leave him?   Or how about moving out to give each other a little space?  Oh, that's right, you don't get free rent and drugs at any other place.   And that bullshit you fed Jenn about you left Carbondale for him - umm, I seem to remember you getting into a fight with your basketball coach and walking off the floor.  Suddenly losing your basketball scholarship had a lot more to do with you leaving that school than Mike.   And things he said - umm yeah, he didn't want you to move in with him he liked you being down in Carbondale and you guys having that kind of space.  Isn't that why you slept on the couch when you first got there?  Oh and how about when he first told you no and then you called up your ex-b/f and told him you were in love with him and wanted to get back together so you would have a place to stay.  Yeah, that was pretty cool, too.

Talk about being messed up in the head - you were a pill popping drug addict long before Mike came along.  He tried to help you as much as you say you tried to help him.  He went to your rehab counseling with you.  He let you stay with him b/c he knew your parents' house was a bad environment for you.  Oh and speaking of rehab, funny thing I found in Mike's apartment (which I cleaned out b/c no one else would) - your original discharge papers which say you left against staff advice and the ones Mike forged for you that said you were let go b/c you had nothing in your system and your parents just needed to leave you alone.

Getting that email from you at that time was by far one of the meanest things that has ever been done to me.  I was nice to you in return.  I've been nice since.  I don't feel like being nice anymore.  The more I think of things I could've done to help him, the more I think of things YOU could've done or could not have done like telling him to go ahead and kill himself, for example.   Or, I don't know, maybe not have cheated on him with your teammate and then your best friend.  Hmmm... or talked to his family when he was not going into work for weeks at a time.  You know, these are things normal people tend to do when they care for someone.

Don't blame Mike for your addiction or your psychosis.  No matter how bad he was to you, you are the one that stayed.  And until you figure that out, you've got a lot more psychiatrists to see.

The Butterfly Effect

I know I had mentioned the Butterfly Effect movie in my other blog and how I had taken it to heart with Mike and I's relationship.  I have also mentioned to some people how I seem to be having a delayed reaction in my grief over Mike's death.  Since there was so much to be taken care of immediately following, I just kind of pressed through.

Well, today, for some unbeknownst reason, these ideas have come together in my mind and I can't seem to shake the thought that I did something horribly wrong.  It wasn't supposed to happen this way and I didn't follow some plan and now Mike's gone.  Whether it was from the time we first met, the last time we spoke, or even my parents buying this house instead of the one down the street - I feel that this has been some sort of cosmic accident and I wish I could go back like in the film and change it.

There was also a similar situation in the series finale of Felicity.  She goes back and chooses the other guy and this starts a chain of events that indirectly leads to one of the friends' deaths.

Mike came to his mom and said that it wasn't supposed to happen this way.  I believe it.  For the past couple of months, I've believed that everything happens for a reason, and it was his time or God had a bigger plan, but today, I feel like I screwed up big time and as a result, Mike's dead.

Maybe I'm just being stupid, and maybe tomorrow I'll feel differently, but this is how I feel now.  I feel that I will and should carry this with me for the rest of my life.  I feel that I am obligated to actively mourn him and keep his memory alive.  I believe my new role in life is to grieve for Mike and nothing else.  I can't imagine not having the pain or the doubts or having one minute go by that I don't think of the fact that he's gone.

I should've been stronger, I should've done more, I should've been a better woman.  That's all I can think right now. Well, the only thing I can think to do right now is go to his grave and make sure its taken care of, and continue my role as the grief stricken ex girlfriend.

Pasted in from myspace blog on 3/23/14

Decoration Day

Someone in my genealogy email list sent this today.  Decoration Day is what brought my mom and I down to Alabama.  Her family's cemetery's Decoration Day is always the third Sunday in May. 

The following article is from the Times Daily of Florence, Alabama.
===============================
A Southern tradition
Decoration Day a time for family togetherness, celebration

By Kenda Williams, Staff Writer, TimesDaily
Billy Barnet visits and cleans family graves at North Carolina Church of Christ Cemetery near Greenhill.
Decoration Day at cemeteries is an important tradition for many Southerners, including Bill McDonald's family.

"I remember good memories of when my family would meet on the Saturday before Decoration Day and clean off the cemetery; and on Sunday we'd all gather with each family and where people are buried in the cemetery," said McDonald, Florence city historian.

McDonald said he hopes to pass on the tradition to his grandchildren because, he said, it's an important part of family heritage.

"I have grandchildren and they are very much interested in where their families are buried," McDonald said. "I take them there to show them a great part of their early-history."

The grave decorating tradition isn't a new one, McDonald said, and it goes back to Civil War days. Throughout the spring and summer months every year, family gravesites and rural church cemeteries across the South are spruced up and given new life with fresh or silk flowers.

Carolyn Fuqua, of Florence, met with her family during Mother's Day weekend to decorate her mother's grave in Elgin at Butler Cemetery.

"Mother has been dead for 20 years, and it's something my brother and sisters and all of our offspring get together to do on Mother's Day," Fuqua said.

For their Decoration Day tradition, the family goes to the gravesite, places new flower arrangements on the grave, visits for a while and has a meal together afterward.

"We spend that day together and celebrate our mom," Fuqua said. "It's just tradition now and a way for us to show our memory of mom and that we love her."

Some individual families, churches and groups choose to gather on Memorial Day weekend to pay homage with grave decorating, not only to those who were in the military but also to deceased family members.

Ninon Parker, chairwoman of the Colbert County Historical Landmarks Foundation, said its not uncommon for churches across the south to have decoration days along with annual church homecoming celebrations that include religious singings and potluck dinners.

"I think it's important because it brings us together as families, and it gives us an opportunity to reflect on the people who have been meaningful in our lives and contributions they've made in our lives," Parker said. "I don't think of it as being a somber time. I think of it as a time to celebrate lives and the bonds between families."

Lee Freeman, 39, is supervisor for the local history and genealogy department at the Florence-Lauderdale Public Library. Freeman said as long as he can remember, he and his family would always spend the second Sunday, every June, at the family's gravesite in Pisgah Methodist Church Cemetery in Cloverdale.

"I remember it always being hot out there. It used to bug me sometimes because a whole Sunday afternoon was wasted except for the food. We'd go after the church service and stay for the meal and for my grandmother to reminisce with all the old timers at the gravesites," Freeman said.

As a child, Freeman said he didn't appreciate the tradition as much as he does now.

"It's a way of connecting with family and ancestors, and it's a way to sample some excellent cuisine," Lee said. "It's a great way to see family you never get to see, and it's a living connection to the past, because you're acknowledging family that has passed."

Incorporating Southern-style food and family time in the tradition, along with honoring ancestors is something that Lee said he has always enjoyed about Decoration Day.

"It's amazing how many people my age and younger are interested in family history and genealogy," Lee said.

McDonald said grave decorating has increased in popularity through the years, with the ever-growing attraction to family genealogy and historical preservation.

"The decoration of graves is promoted by historians because it helps them share the protection of these small early cemeteries throughout the South," McDonald said. "Being able to find the cemeteries makes people interested in the preservation of gravesites."

As for the future, Parker said she believes the tradition of grave decorating will continue, as long as families share and pass on memories with one another.

"I have memories of way back in my childhood of going with my family to the cemeteries, and it was an important ritual to go back," Parker said. "It actually gave me a chance to feel like I knew my grandmother, my great-grandmother and my grandfather that I wouldn't have known if we didn't have that important time to go back and visit the graves."

Kenda Williams can be reached at 740-5720 or kenda.williams@timesdaily.com.

Pasted in from myspace blog on 3/23/14

There's no place like home

Just got back from vacation! Kentucky, Tennessee, Alabama. Went to Kentucky Down Under yesterday and pet some kangaroos. Woohoo! Well, gotta go visit Mike's grave before it gets dark and/or starts raining. Make sure those flowers are doing okay.
Later gator.

Okie dokie artichoke, I'm back. Flowers are doing fine.

Brought my little watering can and watered the plants and flowers. (some of them are real, others are silk b/c I don't trust myself to have all real yet!) The grass needs to be cut, which is odd, b/c this is a typically a well manicured cemetery. The sod is so grown together, you can barely tell that it's a new grave. The name plate is finally up. Everything was the same only now there is this obnoxious sign on the gate of the cemetery saying that our mayor has declared this a "Crime Free Zone" and something about not committing crimes in here. Now, I've never been one for breaking the law or vandalizing cemeteries in any way, but I saw that sign and the teenage punk in my head said, "I'll show you a crime free zone you f-ing so and so mayor, you!" Well, my teenage punk doesn't really like to cuss. Anyhow, I wondered what the heck brought this on. After I left Mike's grave, I swung by to a neighboring cemetery to visit another friend, and that place had the same sign. I don't know if something happened while I was gone, or if the mayor just came up with this to fix something that wasn't broken. He sure likes to do that. Anything that puts his name up more and makes for a photo op. Seriously, dude.

If I was going to go into a cemetery to drink, vandalize, and/or trespass, somehow this sign just seems to make me want to do it more rather than less. Maybe that's just my twisted psyche. But then again, when I was living in Belfast, it seemed that any time a fence was put up, it was quickly torn down. Same things with walls. It becomes like a challenge. Only, not only will I knock down the fence, I will also set fire to it. That doesn't seem like effective problem solving. Or at Purdue back in 1999 when the girls basketball team won the championship and there were riots. It was either the next night or the next year (I don't remember) but the police were sitting in cars across from the largest all male dorm, Cary Quad, where most of the mayhem began, and it created a stand-off. The police were being pre-emptive, but the guys in Cary weren't even out there and may not have even gone out there, but when they saw the police out there, curiosity, machismo, or both, had guys pouring out of the dorm, just standing on the front lawn, facing the police. It was bizarre.

Or there was this kid I was working with in Belfast and he used to climb out windows, cars, whatever, so needless to say, we had to form some sort of barrier between him and any escape hatch. He was happily distracted by some sort of activity when I noticed our close proximity to the un-manned door. I tried to be as discreet as I possibly could in my moving towards the door, like acting all casual *doo doo doo, what's over here* kind of thing, but he saw me heading that way and stopped what he was doing and made a beeline for the door. He didn't even want to go out it, but seeing me trying to keep him from doing so infuriated him and set off this reflex to go for what he can't have. To go against authority.

These cemetery signs just seem like a good way to piss people off and not do much else. There's my five cents, Mr. Mayor.

There's no place like home...

Just got back from vacation!  Kentucky, Tennessee, Alabama.  Went to Kentucky Down Under yesterday and pet some kangaroos.  Woohoo!  Well, gotta go visit Mike's grave before it gets dark and/or starts raining.  Make sure those flowers are doing okay.

Later gator.



Pasted in from myspace blog on 3/23/14

Eurovision Song Contest

This was something  I found out about while living in
England.  Every year there is a song contest amongst European countries, it is televised live and the winner gets bragging rights for a whole year.  Yippee!  Here's a link to an article about this year's contest.  Apparently, jolly ol' England didn't fare too well.  I remember watching it in Manchester with my Ukrainian roommate and she taught me that 1.) you do not refer to the country and "the" Ukraine, it is just Ukraine 2.) If she was a fair representation, I would guess that lots of folks watch this annual song contest. Oh and the country which wins, hosts the ceremonies the following year.  Unless its unsightly, then they just pick someplace else.  Okay, I'm just kidding about the last part, but only partially.  I vaguely remember something about not having it somewhere b/c it was offensive to their culture, but now I'm thinking that was Miss Universe.  D'oh.  And the 2004 Ukrainian song was pretty cool.  Nice and catchy, though I can't remember it at all now, just remember what I thought of it.  Guess those bragging rights don't last too long.


















Pasted in from myspace blog on 3/23/14

Update to Heimlich

A couple weeks ago, one of my co-workers was choking severely at lunch and another co-worker had to give her the Heimlich maneuver.  The piece of food was dislodged along with the other contents of her stomach.  ahem. Anyhow, we were all very proud of our brave co-worker and started asking each other if we knew the correct way to handle a choking.  So I came across this:

http://www.sevendaysvt.com/nc/columns/local-matters-news/2006/red-cross-revises-tips-for-helping-choking-victims.html

Apparently, there are some changes to the procedure.  Well, I guess that's why you have to keep getting re-certified in these things.  Anyhow, now you start with a swift blow to the back (not to be confused with a slap).  Oh, but first you ask, "are you choking?"  If the swift blows don't do it, then you go for the Heimlich.  Only now, they are starting to refer to it as just "abdominal thrusts".  Turns out there's some drama with Dr. Heimlich and his legacy.  He's still around, but his son accuses him of stealing the idea for the maneuver and for calling the back blows, death blows b/c he wanted more use of the Heimlich.  I dunno, it seems that practically anything can turn into a tabloid story....

Copied from myspace blog 11/10/13

Mike's Playlist

This is a playlist of songs that remind me of Mike for various reasons.  Some were from the time of our relationship, some we even told each other helped explained our relationship, and others, well they just do.  It's still a work in progress.

.

Collide -- Howie Day Youve Got To Hide Your Love Away - Eddie Vedder -- I Am Sam (+ 2 Bonus Tracks) Cherry Pie -- Warrant Praying for Time -- George Michael Uhh Ahh -- Boyz II Men Diamonds And Pearls -- Prince Motownphilly -- Boyz II Men End Of The Road -- Boyz II Men The Man Who Sold The World -- Nirvana Lips Of An Angel -- Hinder Blowing Kisses In The Wind -- Paula Abdul, Paula Abdul Better Than Me -- Hinder Vision Of Love -- Mariah Carey Superwoman -- Karyn White i get the power -- Snap November Rain -- Guns N' Roses November Rain (Full Version) -- Guns N' Roses I Remember You -- Skid Row I Don't Wanna Cry -- Mariah Carey Ex-Factor -- Lauryn Hill Save A Prayer (US Single Version) -- Duran Duran First Time -- Surface I Wanna Sex You Up - Color Me Badd -- Christopher Williams Boom! I got your boyfriend -- salt n pepa Save The Best For Last -- Vanessa Williams 3 A.M. Eternal [Live at the S.S.L.] -- The KLF Everybody Dance Now -- C & C Music Factory Baby Got Back -- Sir Mix a Lot Ordinary World -- Duran Duran Enter Sandman -- Metallica If I Ever Fall In Love (acapella) -- Shai Nobody Knows -- Tony Rich Project The Sign -- Ace of Base The First Cut Is The Deepest -- Sheryl Crow You Oughta Know -- Alanis Morissette Photograph -- Nickelback How You Remind Me -Nickelback -- Nickelback Last Kiss -- Pearl Jam Jeremy -- Pearl Jam Fallin' -- Alicia Keys Drops Of Jupiter -- Train Daughters -- John Mayer I Can Only Imagine -- Mercyme Fuel -- Metallica ..:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" />..:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" /> Sos -- Rihanna How To Save a Life -- The Fray Icebox -- Omarion Hate Me -- Blue October Freek-A-Leek -- Petey Pablo One Thing -- Finger Eleven Epic -- Faith No More Jack and Diane -- John Cougar Mellencamp BBD -- That Girl Is Poison My Boo ??€" Duet With Alicia Keys -- Usher This Is Why Im Hot -- Mims 6 Underground -- Sneaker Pimps Freshmen [Album Version Remix-Full Length] -- The Verve Pipe You And Me -- Lifehouse The Middle -- Jimmy Eat World Don't Cry (Original) -- Guns N' Roses --------------- Songs I need to add that I can't find yet or haven't looked for: Rico Suave, Gerardo Always Be My Baby, Mariah Carey What Do I Have to Do?, Stabbing Westward Fly to the Angels, Slaughter Something by Poison I Don't Love You, My Chemical Romance Breathe, Stretch, Shake, Let it Go, P. Diddy, Ma$e Copied from myspace blog 11/10/13

And the world keeps spinning.

Two months since Mike died.  This time, I will say it actually seems longer.  Wow, that probably sounds terrible.  It's just that life has changed so much without him here, it's hard to recognize anymore.

When he and I first started dating, we would celebrate our "anniversaries" each month.  The picture of us in September 1990 was us getting ready to go to the mall in celebration of our one month anniversary, which was the next day.   If I marked the time that way when I was with him, I think its only fair to do the same after he's gone.  I don't want him to be forgotten, and I want he and every one else to know that I will always remember him and love him no matter how long he's been gone.  I said I would love him forever and I will.

Pasted in from myspace blog 3/23/14

Five Questions to find your Soul Mate

Only five?

Is this your soul mate?

In other news, I stepped on a nail at work on Thursday so we had to fill out an incident report in case I go on worker's comp or something.  Luckily my tetatnus shot is up to date....

The blessing thing & Panachida was nice.  The priest was all decked out in his shiny outfit and I got to be the altar boy.  He said they don't have altar girls, so I was an altar boy.  I held the holy water.  Never did that before.  Then I got to play in the dirt planting flowers at the head of Mike's grave.  I am not a gardener, but his Mom just told me exactly what to do and I did it.  It was actually pretty satisfying.  And I got some sun.  My face doesn't seem to qualify me for "pale force" anymore.  At least for the next few days, anyways.

Copied from myspace blog 11/10/13

Blessing - 40 days

Apparently, today is forty days since Mike died.  This is supposedly supposed to mark the end of the official "mourning" period, at least in one religion.  Tomorrow we are having a graveside service to bless the grave.  The priest is meeting us out there.  Mike's mom will plant some flowers.  I got Sandy to help me help her b/c I'm not exactly handy like that.

As for the forty day thing, I don't know if I believe that b/c I will miss him the rest of my life.  Although, today I did feel something different.  Whether it was a greater sense of acceptance, or what, I don't know.  Leaving his parents' house tonight, it was about midnight and I really felt like I might faint.  The weather, the lighting, the street, it was all so familiar, and it was like I was back in the day when we used to walk up and down those streets and hang out with our friends.  I was so overwhelmed with this feeling, like I really was in a different time or situation that I felt like I was going to pass out.  I tried to shake it off so I could get home, but as I walked up to my parents' house, the same thing happened.  I could see me and Mike on my front porch, I remembered what it felt like to cuddle inside his denim jacket.  I remembered the fights we had on that porch.  It was all coming at me at once and again, I thought I would faint.  I put my hand on the brick wall for support and now a new set of memories came forth.  My eyes started going to the back of my head and my knees began to buckle.  I eventually made it in the house alright.  My little stinkers got my mind off all that as soon as I got in here.  They are blessings.  Now I better get some sleep so I can get up for this other blessing tomorrow.

Copied from myspace blog 11/10/13

http://msn.match.com/msn/article.aspx?articleid=6016&TrackingID=516311&BannerID=544657&menuid=7&GT1=9278

Friends with the ex?

By Anne Goldfarb If you're recently divorced, chances are, you and your ex still have some stuff to work out and you two aren't good buddies who hoist a beer together just yet. And so it may be particularly difficult for you to deal if you discover one of the new people you're dating has a really good, tight friendship going with his or her ex. "How can she?!" you may wonder. Or perhaps, "What's really going on between those two?" Let's take a closer look at the situation and see what we can do to answer those questions and calm your concerns.

Why some exes stay so close
Most divorces involve some bitter feelings, that's for sure. And the time right after the separation is made official can be one when feelings of anger, disappointment and grief come bubbling up to the surface. So if you're in that stage but the person you're seeing has been divorced longer, it's natural for him or her to have mellowed, mood-wise, as the months and years pass. "After time, it is possible for exes to be friends. Remember that everyone is different," says Dr. Gilda Carle, Ph.D., a relationship expert, MSN's Suddenly Single advice columnist and the author of Don't Bet On The Prince!, among other books. "And everyone's circumstances are different. Actually, you could probably use some pointers yourself about how to get over the pain of divorce. Let your date be a role model for you, because you can't have a solid relationship until you are over your past anger."

Danielle, 41, of Morristown, NJ, is one of those people who needed a role model, but at first wasn't ready to have one: "Right after my divorce was finalized, I starting dating Joe. He was on such good terms with his ex, I couldn't handle it. Whenever he'd refer to a good conversation they'd had or how they worked so well together to raise the kids, I'd start seething inside. I was such a raw nerve... It almost sounded as if he was bragging or showing off, and I'd get knotted up inside. It took time and frank discussions for me to understand he could be a real source of support for me—and now I'm so grateful for that."

When exes are too close for comfort
However, there are times when a date's good relationship with his or her ex can be, well, too good. Listen to this tale from Tom of Detroit: "I started dating this woman who must have spoken to her ex like five times a day. One night, we were discussing this job offer she got over dinner, and it was all, 'Well, my ex says I should ask them this' and 'My ex says I should get a counter-offer to that…' and it was so obvious that she'd spent the whole afternoon consulting him instead of me. That was the last straw."

Yes, sometimes exes remain connected because they can't break the connection. If you're dating such a person, be on the lookout for closeness that seems a bit too cozy. Says Dr. Gilda, "The most obvious sign is when he devotes more time to his ex than he does to you. Talk is cheap, but behavior tells everything. Check out how often he calls, how he keeps his word with you, whether his conversations are punctuated with mentions of her, and whether he's trying to impress you with how in demand he is that his ex still wants him." If you're seeing signs that you're playing second banana to someone who is supposedly a part of his past, it's time to move on.

Anne Goldfarb writes for many national magazines.

Copied from myspace blog 11/10/13

Under the wire - (taxes)

Woohoo!   Just got done filing my taxes.  I wasn't really in a hurry since the federal government keeps my refunds to pay for my student loans.  

I also finally got to this multi media library on campus and used the scanner that has the document feeder. 
Woohoo.  They have other stuff too like film scanner and VCR/DVR thingees.  Pretty cool.  It's like in the basement of the basement, though, and I'm so fricking hot, I can't wait to get out of here.  Just thought I'd do a little jot before I left.   Happy tax day, everyone!!!! Yeee haaww!

Copied from myspace blog 11/10/13

Pink shoes

Why am I the only female in this computer lab? I'm starting to feel a little uncomfortable...Damn, I've got to stick to doing my myspace at work. I need a computer bad! Anyhow, I accidentally left the house in my pink houseshoes. I mean, they have hard bottoms and stuff and are exactly like a black pair of shoes I have, I just wear the pink ones only around the house, cuz they're, you know, PINK. And I don't mean like light daisy pink, I mean like glow-in-the-dark eighties pink - fuschia. Oh yeah, and I forgot to brush my hair after that nap I took after work. Wowee, I am seeexxxy. Good think my sweater camoflauges the Taco Bell I spilled on my shirt, now that would just be embarrassing.

Oh no, they just made, the "get the hell out of here, losers" announcement.   This lady cracks me up.  "The library is closing in TWEEENNNTTTYY MINUTES" if you need help with anything, get your happy ass up here so we can close this shit down, yo.  Word.

Is there no dignity left?  (Not after I just said, "yo" and "word" apparently  )

Copied from myspace blog 11/10/2013

Month

It's been a month now since Mike died.  Normally I would say it seems like longer or sooner, but right now, it just seems like a month.  I really don't think I will ever fully grasp that he is no longer on this earth.  The last night I slept in his apartment, I had a dream and we were talking.  I couldn't see him or anything, just heard his voice.  The last thing he said to me was, "I don't exist anymore".  I started crying and I said, "yes, you do! Yes, you do!" and woke myself up saying that and crying. 

It seems that would be a difficult thing to hear, and it was, but it was also very helpful.  Here I was, in his apartment with his things, sleeping on his pillows trying so hard to feel close to him. Closing my eyes and trying to think of every memory, hoping that I would somehow feel his spirit, his presence, hoping he was still here. I replay that sentence in my mind, "I don't exist anymore", to try and come to grips with the fact that he is not here. I am comfortable with the fact that he is with Jesus, and there isn't a doubt in my mind about that, however, he is not of this earth any longer. I touched his body, there was no heartbeat, no warmth. He does not exist in the world I live in. I need to accept that, but first, I need to comprehend it.

Copied from myspace blog 11/10/13

Ghetto Fabulous

Okay, I have nearly 79,000 miles on my five year old car.  It has been just fine and dandy until the last month when it got hit twice - while parked.   Seriously, are you kidding me?  The first time the fricking recycling truck hit it and blamed my brother forcing me to not file a police report and the second, well, I won't go into this second since it's an "ongoing investigation".  *Ahem*.  Is it just a coincidence that it was just paid off?  Hmm...

Went to the store today and man was it ghetto.  I mean, I thought some places I went in Lafayette were ghetto, but when I walked into this place in Highland I realized I had forgotten what ghetto really was.  I walked in the door, someone's phone rings and she answers and then she's yelling, "I got more hair than you, nuh uh, I got more than you."  And then, "I'm hanging up now, I'm hanging now".  A few more f-bombs in full ear shot of everyone in the store including children getting easter bunnies and five minutes later, still, "I'm hanging up now".  Bitch, you said you were gonna hang up five minutes ago on this bitch who called you bald, so please, PLEASE, just do it.  Then more yelling across the store from other customers, screaming children, arguments amongst store staff and I was wishing I could just have the store to myself like rich and famous people do.  Then again, if I was rich and famous, I wouldn't have been at this store.

I'm crabby (news flash, right?).  I'm tired.  I moved shit and put a phone line in and I don't do that kind of stuff like ever, so I'm going to sleep now.

Oh yeah, Happy Easter!

P.S. - I watched "The Ten Commandments" on TV tonight with Mike's mom.  Wow, that is a looong movie...(there's that crabbiness again.)

Copied from myspace blog 11/10/13

Thank you!

Thank you Butch, Brent, & Scott for your help in cleaning out Mike's apartment.  I am so glad it's all done now.  Well, at least the stuff in the apartment is out - Mike's mom still has a whole lot to go through.  Anyhow, you guys are fricking awesome for carrying all that shit!  Youz my boyz now.  (See, I told you I'm old!)

And thanks, Butch, Scott & Jenn, for not making me feel like a totally weirdo during my mini-meltdown last night.  My head hurt for hours afterwards cuz I cried so fricking hard for so long.

Anyone who lives in Schererville, guard your carpet shampooers!  Someone named Mark may just come whilst your sleeping and "borrow" it.  And by borrow, I mean steal.  And by steal, I mean, intend to keep til I call the cops on your ass and you bring it back with your tail between your legs.  So dumb.

And if your landlord's a douchebag, just stage a sit-in.  Funny how things just seem to stop disappearing when someone's there to see them.  Sure it was my entire weekend, but that's nothing compared to the anguish we would've gone thru had they taken whatever else they wanted and dumped the rest of Mike's shit in the dumpster.

Okay, I guess I'll go shower now since I haven't had soap in the last three days.  I know, attractive, huh?  Oh yeah, Butch, thanks for that pop and water on Friday!  That and Aurelio's pizza got me thru the weekend ;-)  Can't believe it's back to Lafayette and work tomorrow.

Wait, shower postponed again, gotta run to Mike's mom to bring some more boxes.  At least the dogs like the smell of me :-)

Thanks again, seriously, I wouldn't have made it without all of you!

Copied from myspace blog 11/10/2013

Anniversary - Veg Style

On this day, many, many years ago, I became a vegetarian.  I believe it was 1994 - so 13 years ago (that trig comes in handy, I tell ya).  My dad was in the hospital having surgery on his back, I was going thru high school drama.  My mom made pork chops for dinner and I looked at it and was like, "hey, this is the same shape it was when it was actually in the animal."  I was forever changed and couldn't eat meat again.  I started off with the pork chops and ribs, fried chicken and other items in their original shape but finally I just couldn't differentiate any more and I quit altogether.  I still eat eggs and dairy - so I'm a lacto-ovo vegetarian.  I had tried to quit the eggs and dairy but got so frustrated when I was out at lunch with my friends at McDonald's, ordered a salad, and found the dressing had eggs!  When I thought about it, I remembered being on my Granddaddy's farm and getting the eggs from the nests and I was totally fine with that.  I later learned about cage free eggs and all that jazz, but I'm cool with where I'm at with the veggie life.  Of course, when I moved to the co-op in Chicago, I felt like a full fledged carnivore compared to all the organic vegans.  I thought I was frugal for buying clothes at Dots for like $3, they bought their clothes from the thrift store for 50 cents, or even better, got it from a dumpster, or grew their own organic cotton and made their own clothes from a two hundred year old loom from the underground railway (okay so it wasn't that bad, but still).  Working at American Eagle downtown and occasionally getting a McDonald's cheeseburger no meat made me like the consumerist enemy or something.  I thought that I would totally fit in at the co-op given my tree-hugging ways, but apparently I wasn't tree-hugging enough for the tree-huggers.  I guess I'm just in the middle - not carnivore enough for the meat eaters, don't spend enough to be considered consumeristic by most, but not exactly ready to chuck it all and move to the monastery, or hippie commune, just yet.

Copied from myspace blog on 11/10/13

Rest in Peace

Missing you today. Wanted to talk to you so bad. Mom is wearing your necklace and Dad wears your ring on a chain around his neck. Making a rosary from the roses on your casket. I thought the hard part was over, but I'm finding out it's just beginning. I filled out your Mom's paperwork tonight and I'll bring it to her caseworker tomorrow. I want to do right by you, Mike, and I want to be sure I make the right choices for your family. Please help me. I talked to Jen tonight and she was such a great help. She suggested I pray on it, and I will. This picture of you isn't the "nicest" but it shows you vulnerable and tired, even with tears in your eyes and it reminds me of all those nights we talked for hours. This picture reminds me of the Mike I knew and loved, real, honest.... God, I miss you so much. I love you, Mike!

The wake

The wake was tonight.  Mike didn't really look like Mike, but then again, they never do.  His hair did feel the same - full of hairspray!  I had told Danielle I don't think he would've liked his hair at all b/c it was not spiky, but at least it had a lot of product in it (just like he wore).

He looked old.  Like creases around his eyes really stood out.  Standing right up next to him, though, seeing those eyelashes of his, it just seemed like he could take a breath, stretch out and get right up.  He was cold.  I touched his arm once but it was freezing, so I could only bear to touch his hair.  I joked that that was something he would never let me do when he was alive!

He had a guitar in the coffin with him - had Nirvana on it.  There was a rosary hanging above him on the coffin and there was a rosary in his hands, which were put together.  His face looked bigger than it was when he was alive.  When I had seen the body from the coroner's office, I was afraid there wouldn't be anything left, he was barely there.  So, I was happy that he didn't look too thin or gaunt.

Some girls that he and Jen had coached brought in a basketball signed by what I assume were team mates.  That was very nice.

I was doing alright at the wake until Jared and Wesley walked in together and then I lost it.  After I talked to them for awhile, though, it actually made me feel better.

I drove to the cemetery yesterday and today to see where he will be buried.  It is very near to his grandparents, so that's nice.  It's a nice, small cemetery, so it's not hard to find who you're looking for.

Sandy came right at the end and she is taking this really hard.  I mean, not only b/c she's known Mike since he was in pre-school, but also b/c she lost her own daughter six years ago and she says she's sick of going to funerals for "kids".  She told Mike's Dad that now they all have a special angel looking over them, that is the job of the young angels God takes.

For those of us, here, life goes on.  Phil's birthday is tomorrow, I sent him an e-card.  Didn't get a chance to send out his paper card.  Ronan im'd me and sent his regrets and I'll be back to work by the end of the week.  Maybe now all of us who are affected by this passing will take life less for granted and be sure we live it in such a way that there are no regrets.  I am so thankful that I have no regrets with Mike. I said everything I had wanted to say, I did everything I wanted to do and I was as good a friend to him as I could possibly be.  No regrets.

Copied from myspace blog 11/10/13

Funeral Arrangements

Funeral arrangments have been made for Mike Watson.

Solan-Pruzin Funeral Home
7109 Calumet Avenue
Hammond, IN
(219) 931-5762

Wake - Monday, March 19th 4:00 - 7:00 p.m.
Funeral - Tuesday, March 20th, 10:30 a.m.
Burial to follow at St. Nicholas Cemetery, Hammond

Obituary will run in the Hammond Times (www.nwitimes.com) on Saturday and Sunday.

Donations can be made to the Mike Watson Memorial Fund at any Harris Bank branch location or mailed to:
1433 173rd St.Hammond, IN 46324

Thank you.

The Funeral

So, the family and I went to the funeral home and finalized the arrangements.  The wake will be on Monday evening, about 4-7 and the funeral will be on Tuesday morning. March 20th at 10:30 a.m. at the Solan-Pruzin Funeral Home, 7109 Calumet Avenue, Hammond.  The obituary will run in Saturday and Sunday's Hammond Times.  He will be buried in St. Nicholas Cemetery.

I followed the body from the coroner to the funeral home and got to see him, which was so important to me.   Anyhow, I'm drained, it's been a long day.  I spent part of the time at the funeral home sitting in front of the toilet just ugh...

So, good news though, b/c having the body at the morgue was absolutely breaking our hearts.  Oh yeah, and an account has been set up for donations to the Mike Watson Memorial Fund at Harris Bank.  Donations can be made at any branch.

http://www.myspace.com/nitrox2dive

www.geocities.com/sabrinigreen/mike

http://www.findagrave.com/cgi-bin/fg.cgi?page=gr&GRid=18428468

Please feel free to add photos to the Find a Grave memorial.  I just added the one I have in one of my online albums.

Copied from myspace blog on 11/10/13

The funeral home has agreed to let us bury Michael and make payments. We are going tomorrow at noon to make the arrangements and the parents will sign a release to move the body from the coroner's to the funeral home. It is likely that there will be a service the day after tomorrow.

Today I went to Mike's apartment w/his brother and sister in law. Of course, I broke down and leaned against the kitchen counter to stop me from falling to my knees. I got it out early, though, and we worked a bit on packing up his stuff. Going back tomorrow.

I got a framed cross with the Lord's Prayer that I had bought for him as a gift. It was hanging on his wall. The sister in law found a picture of me and Mike and gave it to me. His brother had to tell her it was me, though, b/c she didn't recognize me from the photo! I'm so glad she found it.

Mike was always so cute! He is the love of my life and I'm so happy that we were able to reconnect after all those years to have these last two and half years in each other's lives. I have never, ever, found a man I loved more than him or that I felt was more handsome than him. He was perfect to me and I'm so crushed that he's gone. He was my best friend and the one who knew me all thru my life and knew me better than I knew myself. He knew my thoughts before I could think them and he would set me straight when I would get down. I will miss him more than I can imagine.

Mike is gone

Mike is gone

Mike died Sunday. I can't breathe but I can't sleep either. I just left his mom's side. I'm going to help clean out his apartment tomorrow.
He died of a blood clot in his lung. The coroner told me that this afternoon and confirmed with his Dad this evening. He died of natural causes.

There's no money for a funeral so we're trying to raise it. In the meantime, he is in the morgue and the coroner won't let me see him b/c it is a "biohazard". How can this beautiful man's body be in a room considered in such a way? And man, was he beautiful. God, I loved him so much. I'm so thankful he was in my life and I'm so grateful that he and I were able to get back in touch after all those years.

He is and always will be the love of my life and that will never change.
I love you, Mike, and I miss you so much!!!

If you would like to donate, please email me at sabrina.uk at gmail.com Thank you.
http://www.geocities.com/sabrinigreen/mike

Mike is gone

Mike died Sunday.  I can't breathe but I can't sleep either.  I just left his mom's side.  I'm going to help clean out his apartment tomorrow.

He died of a blood clot in his lung.  The coroner told me that this afternoon and confirmed with his Dad this evening.  He died of natural causes.

There's no money for a funeral so we're trying to raise it. In the meantime, he is in the morgue and the coroner won't let me see him b/c it is a "biohazard".   How can this beautiful man's body be in a room considered in such a way?  And man, was he beautiful.  God, I loved him so much.  I'm so thankful he was in my life and I'm so grateful that he and I were able to get back in touch after all those years.

Pasted in from myspace blog on 11/10/13

Another Blind Interview

Going on job interviews lately has reminded me of going on blind dates. Bad ones. Had another one today; interview, I mean. It went well, but I'm not holding my breath. Just like dating, I am sick of being in temporary situations. I want something real, something permanent. I've been living in this new city for nearly a year now, which is really the longest time I've spent anywhere in a very long time. I started hanging pictures on the walls, with real nails and hooks - which are more permanent than the double sided tape or blue tack I had used before. I'm ready for the real thing. A real job, a real home, a real love, a real family.

I've been feeling like I want to start a family of my own. I've been going to the dr. regularly, monitoring everything and I'm ready to get my body in a place where I can healthily bring a baby into the world. I had been thinking of fostering and adopting, but just recently, I've been feeling like I want to also have a child of my own.

I suppose that doesn't make me any different from most women my age, but it is different for me. I've been craving change for so long, that permanence is a whole new concept.

The eww factor

I am absolutely done with men. Holy moly, this is for real. I was just talking with a fellow ex of a mutual ex boyfriend and the things I found out were horrendous. Now I have to go get tested for STDs (I never have unprotected sex, but you can never be sure) and I just feel absolutely sick about the whole thing. You know, this was due to happen b/c I just got done telling my one of my friends about a guy I was kind of liking and ready to go put myself out there again then WHAM!!!

Seriously, when you find out that your ex sleeps with men, without protection, among many other things, it just kind of stings. Or that he kept your name in a notebook along with his other conquests noting what you liked sexually and when you did it.

I think I might just go throw up now.

Happy New Year!

Am I Poor?

Reflections

Merry Christmas! Ho, ho, ho and all that jazz. Today has been a nice day, both weather and other wise. My poor brother has to work today at the casino. I have an interview tomorrow up here near my parents' house. I don't know if my suit will fit after all the eating we did last night and today. Now everyone is sleepy.
The photo is of the house I moved into earlier this year. It's nice and pretty, though I only live in the top part.

I finally got around to scanning some things I've been meaning to scan, so here are so pages from my scrapbook from London 2001, when I lived there for six months on the BUNAC work program.









Here are some of our house in London:








And of course, there are the sites, like Big Ben and Trafalgar Square


All good fun! Nice to have the time to sit down and reflect, hope you all have had that sort of time this Christmas. Merry Christmas!

Realm of Redheads

I like the one that says "Consider the hair color a WARNING label"

A look at the Travels

I mentioned the big letdown in my last post referring to all the excitement of my travels. I've come into the current century and digitized some of these photos, which I will share. Bear with me if this doesn't work quite right - yahoo photos just "upgraded" and we all know how that works.

Travel photos Most are from London and the first ones aren't cropped, but they are cropped later in the album. It's still a work in progress.

In other news: apparently I'm not the only American with a soft heart.

The Big Letdown

I'm at my parents' house scanning old photos. Right now I'm working on photos from London 2001. It looks like I had a lot of fun. I am reminded of the pubs, the people, the good times. I'm browsing thru my online albums, see photos of Northern Ireland, me and Ronan kissing and I'm like, wow, that must have been nice. Meeting a boy and having a romance in Northern Ireland. Sounds exciting. Then I look at my life now, my efficiency apartment in the Midwest, crappy job, or lack thereof and well, it doesn't quite hold up to the memories of my days in lands far, far, away.

I had very different visions of where I would be at this point in my life. I'm going to be 30 next year, and I feel like a 19 year old just starting out. This is really not how I imagined my life would be.

On the other hand, I am quite thankful for what I have and that I am close to family and am healthy and happy and such. It's just when I think about "life" I get very nervous b/c of the thirty mark around the corner and wonder what will my life be? When my time is up, what will my life have been? How will I be remembered? What will I have accomplished? Did I live a happy, loving life?

I guess working on the family tree isn't helping my existential crisis, either. You sum up a person's life by birth, death and marriage dates and maybe an occupation. I guess I'm just scared that my time is dwindling away and I don't know that I've done all I want to do. I'm sure I'm not the only one who fears the end of existence. It makes me long for the days when I was "invincible" and had eternity in front of me.

This is also what I get for having a week off and spending it at my parents' house! My goodness, those are some depressing thoughts. Reminds me why I moved out in the first place, even if it was to an efficiency apartment in the middle of the middle of the country. C'est la vie...

Black Friday

The best and worst of Black Friday MSN Video story.

Black Friday is the day after Thanksgiving. It is supposed to be the busiest shopping day of the year. It traditionally marks the beginning of the holiday shopping season. More and more, though, the sales are starting earlier and retailers are even opening on Thanksgiving day to lure in customers. Five years ago, there wasn't a store in town that was open on Thanksgiving, now it's becoming commonplace.

Because of all the hype of Black Friday, some folks say, "no way" to going shopping that day. This spreads the retail joy across the entire week. Some people continue to get up at the crack of dawn for these super duper "early bird" specials just because it is tradition. And some are just crazy mad for sales and hype and getting up at the a*s crack of dawn for a super deal on a blender for Aunt Edna. To each their own.

No, I didn't go out this year. I stayed in and hid from the crazy people who trampled themselves for a Play Station 3 or Elmo doll or whatever the heck else. No thank you, I've bought little gifts throughout the year and I'm making most of them anyways. Besides, it's a lot funner to watch Black Friday than to experience it!

Happy Thanksgiving!

In honor of Thanksgiving, here are some e-cards that I thought were pretty funny! Of course, I'm easily amused.

My favorite! Make sure you have your sound on and don't forget to click on each of the acorns.

Turkey Time

Fun with Taters It's the guys from my favorite one doing another one of their bits.

American Entree Search My favorite turkey stars on this card are the first and fourth stars.

Singing Thanksgiving Chins Be sure to watch the Bloopers!

Maxine and her giblets

Yee haw! Happy Thanksgiving! :-)

Dems Rock the House

Yay, Democrats take over the house! Rumsfeld resigned, Dennis Hastert isn't going to be Speaker and Dick Cheny went hunting again. Wowee what a day.

On a more personal note, I had quite a day myself. I am applying for rental assistance thru the township trustee and man do they make you jump thru some flaming hoops. My appointment was this morning and the lady almost made me cry by saying, "well if you don't have that form from your landlord, we're done". And I was like, huh? I thought I could get a three day extension, and she's like, "weren't you already in here for an extension" No, I wasn't. Oh, she blushes and says, "I thought you were already in here for an extension." For f*ck's sake, give a girl a heart attack, will you? And if I had not listened intently last time I was there, or not had the balls of steel I seem to have, I might have retreated out of that office with my tail between my legs crying in my beer (in my rent arreared apartment!) Man, people piss me off.

Right, so then I go to library to use the puter and who messages me but the man I can't seem to get out of my head no matter how hard I try - Ronan. Then we start chatting about the good times and my heart starts going a flutter and I'm like, damnit, I can't do this to myself again! So then I call Mike to discuss the matter and he was sh*tty and said, "Sabrina, if you want to keep getting hurt going back to the same men over and over, that's your choice." After I got over how rude he was, I thought, he's right. There are so many men in the world, in this country, in this city - why keep stabbing myself in the heart for someone who can't put his money where his mouth is (or typing fingers). As I left the building, I looked up and there was this really cute guy holding the door open for me. Yes, I thought, there are other choices and chances, I want true happiness. I see marriage proposals on tv and hear people talk about their own and I think, man, I didn't have that. I backed Ronan into a wall and he said, okay. And whenever the going gets tough, he retreats into the darkness only to reappear after sufficient time has passed that I may have forgotten the time before. He even did it in our online conversation today. When I mentioned how bad my last visit was, he suddenly had to go to the store. When I brought up something like broke my heart last time, he had to go. I absolutely abhor bringing those things up, I don't mean to dredge up the past, but those are huge things that I still don't understand and there's no way I could ever entertain the notion of Ronan again until those things are resolved. I think he knows that, but he has no intention of resolving them, he wants to have a nice chat online so he can feel the warm fuzzies (and other things) while we're online, then go back to his life, whatever that may be. Not me, I fell too hard for that business and I can't do it again. God, I can't even believe I'm typing this now. Ronan? Really? Did I actually allow him to get under my skin for two seconds again? Why am I such a hopeless romantice - or fool? Hey Ronan, if you read this - I resent you my last email, which I told you during our online conv. I came to the library tonight hoping to see a reply, which was not there. If you really want me, you need to do more than casually type a few words from your computer and get your ass on a plane and come here to America and get me flowers, let me show you around my city and make me an actual part of my life, not the dirty little secret from the messenger archives.

And that was all before lunch. I went twirling this evening. And I took a nap. I tend to do that when my emotions run high. Curse my bleeding heart!

Election Day

So did you get your vote on today? I did, but I can't say that it was well informed, or informed at all for that matter. Somehow we have gotten so detached from the process and people who represent us and make the rules that govern our lives. I guess that happens when everything is going pretty much alright. I guess I see, once again, how American privilege has led to ignorance becoming bliss.

I just got back from a long weekend at my parents' house. Was nice to spend time with the fam. While I really wanted to go to home for a visit, I had originally planned to spend a day with my old college boyfriend. However, the stress of the possible meeting was beginning to outweigh the potential benefits, so I decided to head north earlier than anticipated.

Well, it's late, I'm off. Have to walk to my car across the street in the parking garage. Why do parking garages always seem unreasonably creepy? I'm getting the heebee jeebies just thinking about it. Curse my computer addiction and my lack of one in my apartment ;-)

Spot on

I came across this article today by chance. It sounds strangely familiar...

This week's problem
I've just finished studying an intensive four-month course in Scotland where I fell completely in love with a man - but now I'm so confused about how he feels about me. When we do meet up, we have the most amazingly wonderful times together – the sex is incredible, too - but then he can go for two weeks without calling me. When we were together our relationship was so intense, because we saw each other every day on the course. But now it's all over, it seems as if he's lost interest. His friends all say he really likes me – and when we go out together I feel like we are meant to be –everything feels magical and perfect.

Despite being intelligent and good-looking, he's been single for several years. Could it be that he just doesn't want to settle down and should I be looking elsewhere? I can't stop thinking about him, and I feel so frustrated by the fact that he doesn't want to instigate more meetings with just the two of us. Can you help?
So Frustated

Dear So Frustrated,
Oh dear, you've got it bad and two emotional-psychological things strike me immediately: compartmentalisation and expectations. Some people are excellent at compartmentalising parts of their life. Men are particularly good at this. Compartmentalisation is a psychological technique where some people manage their lives by sticking things in separate compartments with clear boundaries. And never shall the bits-and-pieces of their lives meet! That's why when a man is out for a night with the boys he doesn't think about his beloved girlfriend or wife at home. No, he enjoys a good evening out! And with your Scottish lover-boy he's managed to stick you in a neat little compartment.

Expectations are the emotional part of the equation. Your expectations are high for a romantic relationship with him. You're completely in love, have amazing times and sex with him and everything "is magical ". All these ingredients mean you want a 100% full-on relationship. The funny thing is he probably enjoys all those things when you're with him but when you're not it's "out of sight and out of mind". His expectations are to have a great time when he's with you and a great time when he's not.

Where does this leave you? Unfortunately it leaves you on the verge of obsessing about him -I think you're probably already in this place. Quite frankly what we can't quite have, we want even more. Particularly with the heady mix you feel of passion, love and sex. You believe life would be a happier, shinier place with him in it completely. That's fantasy-thinking because what you had was an intense period of time together doing the same course. The reality is you need to find out what his expectations are. Then you're in a position to decide whether you're beating your head against a brick wall or there's a chance for genuine love.

How do you go about finding out?
So you don't freak him out it's best to plan what you say, then write it down and read it back. Put yourself in his shoes. Will your words cause him to panic? Be honest with yourself. You may want to rethink them and ratchet down the emotional tone.
Once happy with what you want to say then practise it until you feel confident.
Now choose a time when you two will be on your own and there's no pressure to rush through what you want to say. Don't make it a big deal, instead make it a positive experience for you both - sipping nice wine, chilled out, and then you speak confidently about where you and he see the relationship going.
That's the best you can do and hope he gives you an honest answer. Ultimately if he fluffs around and things continue in the same vein you've got your answer anyway - he just doesn't care as much for you as you do for him.