Lately, I've been thinking; what does it really mean to be a friend? Specifically, why do we remain or become friends with someone? Since the prevalence of facebook, I've reconnected with a lot of people from my past. Some from as long ago as kindergarten, others from college or my last temp assignment. This, mixed in with the friendships I've had for ages, has made me see how different they are. I mean, not in the friend versus acquaintance sense, but I've remembered parts of me I forgot existed.
There's been a lot of talk about marriages/relationships ending because of people reconnecting with old flames on the internet. I think that reflection of a past self is the main reason why that happens. You remember the younger, more vibrant you; before the responsibilities of adulthood, parenthood, work, home owner, etc. Yes, that's part of it. Reliving your glory days. But for me, expanding my friend base has made me notice something else. There are people who actually value my opinion and like to spend time with me. A simple concept, to be sure, but for my friends lately, I've been feeling pretty lonely and just like I'm not on the same wavelength. Whether it's because they have kids and have a different lifestyle, or they just tolerate me and don't seek me out, or in one case, because they see me as damaged.
One friend of mine I've known since we were very young. I was a different person then. More different than most people are from their younger selves. I was always in love, always involved in some major activity, always concerned with my appearance, liked trying new things with clothes and hair, ahead of the curve when it came to puberty and all that goes with it. She is now much more like that than I ever was (even some part of the puberty ;-) and I am not like that all. After being attacked in my late teen years, my demeanor, behavior and overall outlook changed drastically. I was just reading about the rower, Jenn Gibbons, who was sexually assaulted on her boat while attempting to row the perimeter of Lake Michigan, and how she is still continuing on her journey. She made some further precautions for safety and blogs about the struggles she is facing, but I just can't imagine. I remember the day after it happened to me, I was supposed to do a fundraiser for the Humane Society. My mom called and said I was sick. The day after that, I had an aerobics class. I wondered if I should go. I don't feel like doing aerobics, but there's no reason I can't. I just didn't know what to do and what I should do immediately following the attack. However, I was changed. As time progressed, I dealt with flashbacks and other symptoms of PTSD. I burst into tears for no reason at all, I didn't smile, even when practicing my dance routine with the squad and it was required - I was completed stone faced; tight lipped, glazed eyes, no emotion showing, always, always thinking of what happened to me. Instead of being always in love, I was always scared. I was afraid to go to parties, afraid to talk to boys, afraid to wear the fun clothes I once loved. I opted to stay at home, stay in for lunch, wear my Dad's shirts. One of the most visible things that changed about me was my weight. I gained a tremendous amount of weight after the attack, which is something I still struggle with.
All of these things lasted for quite awhile, and some things, like weight and a quick startle response, are things I still deal with every day. But, I'm in a much better place than I was. The trouble is, I feel like this friend still sees me as the broken girl who needs to 'get over it' and 'move on with her life'. Partly due to the fact that she has at one point or another said both of things to me. She hasn't recently, at least not about the attack. About Mike dying, is another issue. I actually thought that I handled that death (of the person who I was always in love with as a teen, and then lost due to the rape, only to reconnect as adults) pretty well. Given our history and my emotions, I have a feeling many expected me to end up far worse off than I was. However, it wasn't enough for this friend, who after just three months told me I needed to move on. We didn't talk for awhile after that.
The bottom line is, she still sees me as broken. It's such a different experience when I'm around others who have known me both then and now and don't see that, at least, I don't feel like they do. And you know what, she's not the only one that has made me feel this way. So I go back to, what makes a friend? Is it the person who will help you come change a flat tire or rescue you when you're stranded? Is it the one you have great conversations with? Is it the one you can go places with? It's a little of all these, I think, but what makes a person NOT be a friend? Is it catching them in a small lie? Is it having different perspectives on the world/life? Is it not agreeing with their life decisions? And this isn't just about that one friend, she is merely an example. When one of my Christian friends found out that one of my best friends was Muslim, I never saw her again. When one of my friends gave away her animals, I avoided her. I mean, it was a lot easier on facebook when one of my friends (from a genealogy site) posted about raising and killing a pig, I instantly de-friended her. When my friend my school posted a pic of his pig roast, I couldn't just de-friend him. So where do you draw the line? What is acceptable? Maybe like the aforementioned friend, you just have to have 'breaks' from people (she is famous for that) b/c all the differences and idiosyncrasies get to be too much. A little time away and the image of the dead pig is overshadowed by the memories of dancing in the rain in college.