Easier Each Year

Well, maybe not so much easier, as just... different. On this day thirteen years ago, I was sexually assaulted by my ex-boyfriend and my life was changed forever. I used to be consumed with absolute sadness and terror on this day and could barely drag myself out of bed. I've come a long way from there, but it's just different. It's less obvious. Instead of crying and hiding in my room, I don't cry, but am so scared at night, I put furniture in front of my door to keep people from coming in (in case the lock doesn't do the trick.)

It dawned on me that thirteen years as a rape survivor is almost as long as I lived before the attack. That is sobering news, because always my life has been defined as before and after. "After" was just this difficult time that I was going to eventually get over and go back to the way I was before. Sure it had been a few years, but these things take time, I'll look back on this period one day and see it as a hump I went through. But now... now that "after" is nearly as long as "before" - and really how much did I take in from age zero to three - I'm starting to get the idea that there is no going back. There will never be a "before" again. Was "before" even trauma free? Was before all that great? Am I just conveniently using this event to punctuate my life when it could be many other things that start and end the different chapters. I think I've had more than two chapters in this life of mine, and I think the last few have more going for them then "rape survivor". The book of my life doesn't read so simply, and that's a good thing. I'm slowly starting to realize all of this, but the connection from my heart to my head isn't always on (whose is, right?) so it will still be awhile before it all clicks. Before I stop taking things out on my body. Before I stop putting furniture in front of the door. Before I stop thinking of myself as damaged. Maybe one day I won't be afraid to just be all of me and really, truly believe that is enough.

Never Eat Soggy Waffles

I just switched wallets and was moving my stuff over to this cute little wallet I had purchased while in the UK. Carefully taking each item piece by piece, I found a new home in every slot and pocket. Unfortunately, when I got to the money I realized that my dollar bills wouldn't fit properly since this wallet was made to hold British Pound Sterling notes, which are shorter. D'oh. I've forgotten about details like this in the two years since I've returned to the U.S.

As a result of this little incident, I had this weird dream. I was dropped in the middle of nowhere and was desperately trying to find my way. I could remember the acronym used to identify the order of compass directions, "Never Eat Soggy Waffles". I learned that from one of my older cousins in Alabama when I was kid. It helps you remember that starting from the top going clockwise is North, East, South, West. So I know once I figure out one of the directions, I'll know the others. Unfortunately, without knowing any of my surrounding, my usual bearings for determining North/South/East/West were not there. I just know that certain streets in my area run certain ways. I also know that the shopping center called Purdue West is on the West side of campus. West Lafayette is on the West side of the river, etc., etc. In this dream, I could not find my way. Even though I had some of the answers, I had no starting point, so what I knew was useless.

So what is my starting point? For that matter, what is my ending point, or goal? I've begun the process of applying for law school. This process picked up again after a previous weird dream, but never mind that. Oh, and by beginning the process, I took out a book from the library on the LSAT, know when the next test is and when to apply. I have not yet opened that book or began studying or registered for the test. I know what school I want to attend, just not which of the two branches. I know when I want to start, Fall 2007. I'm just not sure how what is going on in my life at this moment fits in with that. I'm wondering if I should change my direction to help me get to my goal. Working part time is not making the situation any easier. I was holding on until the position (maybe) goes full time at the New Year, but even so, if I'm going to law school in August of that year, I'll be full time for a mere eight months, and benefits don't even start until three months in. It's time to face the facts, I've got to get a new starting point. Knowing the destination doesn't do any good if you don't know how to get there.

Birthday Girl

Today is my birthday and I am turning 29 for the first time! Woohoo! I was thinking back to my 19th bday and I was working at Hallmark in Woodmar Mall which has now been knocked down and I bought myself some helium balloons b/c I always wanted some when I was making them for somebody else.

Just got out of work, we went swimming which was fun. I stayed after supper and helped a few people work on their family trees.

It's Thursday, which is party night here in this college town, and I've already nearly run over a few kids carrying their Neon Cactus mugs to the bar!

Well, I better get to the getting. I've got to get to working on everything I want to do before I'm out of my twenties ;-)

Difficult Day

Another resident died later that day we found out about the first one. Both funerals were today.

Tomorrow is a holiday here in the U.S., of course, the 4th of July, or Independence Day. I will be working tomorrow, trying to have fun activities for the residents especially since today and the last week have been so difficult. We'll see how it goes.