Thursday, November 27, 2003

I’m beginning to realize I’m not the messy one in this house. I may have been labeled as such, and believe you me, I can make a mess alright, but I keep it confined to my room. I’ve long known that I’ve been the scapegoat for messiness here, but I accepted it as a fact of life and moved on. However, as I clean (which is always in secret when no one else is around) the common areas, funnily enough, none of the stray dishes, papers or left over food is mine. I don’t know if it’s any one person in particular’s but I have a sneaking suspicion it is a little bit of everyone. So if everyone is messy, how did I become crowned Queen o’ Mess?

Living together is hard. Living together with three other people in a small space is very hard. Add in the fact that you did not choose to live with these people, they were thrown at you at random, and that you also work together, and you’ve got one difficult situation. It’s hard to share the bathroom, the washing machine, and let’s not even get into the rows over the phone and the computer. Yet, somehow, cleaning is always the softest spot.

There is an adage in communication studies that says every interaction has two dimensions; content and relationship. Content is what is actually being said, or the actual problem being discussed. Relationship is what it really represents. For example, often when someone is thought of as ‘messy’ they are also thought of as ‘irresponsible’ or ‘unreliable’. The content is the mess, the relationship is the unreliability, or more accurately, they are personally disrespecting you by not cleaning their share, thus making your workload more. See the big difference? Suddenly, that pile of dirty dishes feels like a knife in your back. (no pun intended)

So why do I allow myself to be the scapegoat of mess? A simple (and fair) question with a not so simple answer. I guess the short answer is; it’s easy. I may not be the messy one around here, but I’m not the cleanest either, and I believe in the glass houses proverb. And while I may not be the messiest one about, I still have a lot to learn about the politics of cleaning. In the meantime, though, I’ll quietly do my bit while you are at the pub or shopping at the Gap. Remember the teacups you have let gather around the computer for the past week? Of course you don’t, which is why you won’t notice when I clean them away. Or how about your plates from dinner last night that you left sitting in the living room? Nope, doesn’t ring a bell, which is why you have no idea that I cleaned up after all three of you. That cake pan from when two of you baked last week; yeah that must have slipped your mind as well, because you’ll have no idea the time I spent scrubbing it while you were away.

So, I’ll quietly do my share, keep cleaning, but not too much so that you’ll notice, but just enough to keep it tidy. And I’ll keep being your scapegoat, too. Anything I can do to make this difficult living situation just that bit easier. Yep, so don’t mind if I lose my temper when you want to use the computer and I’ve only just sat down. It’s not really about the computer, after all…

Wednesday, November 26, 2003

I want to go back to Chicago and work as a District Manager for Deb Shops. I love the children here, I really do, but I am feeling less and less challenged each day. Perhaps challenged is the wrong word. Like I’ve said, I came here to learn to gather information and experience to help me in founding a non profit organization. I’ve learned. I’ve learned a lot. Now I want to learn something new.

Ronan says I would be no fun at a Christmas party. He says I’m too serious and too “in charge”. I guess it’s a good thing he’s going to be away at Christmas…

As for me, I will probably be here in Northern Ireland for Christmas. The fare to go home (and back) is $437.50. Not exactly the $200 I told my mom it would be. Oh well. Tomorrow’s Thanksgiving, but it doesn’t matter around these parts. Most people have never heard of it. Or if they have, they don’t care much about it. It is a strictly American holiday. Trying to soak up some Thanksgiving cheer, I phoned my mom today and asked, “so are you all ready for Thanksgiving?” She replied with an unenthusiastic, “well, I guess; I got a turkey.” Ahh, the holidays.

Tuesday, November 25, 2003

Another day, another chest infection.

You know, people always get annoyed with me for using the timer on the oven. It could be because I don’t hear it when it goes off….Well, if I didn’t use it, I would forget about the food altogether, and so would everyone else until the house began to fill with smoke. Maybe that’s the point. Maybe those who get annoyed with me realize that and not only are they annoyed at the buzzer, but at the fact that I need it in the first place, because they think, “who could forget about food ten minutes after sticking it in the oven?” Who knows.

The Internet is being particularly bothersome right now. Maybe it’s just my computer or my connection, but nonetheless, it is quite annoying. At the doctor’s office today, their computers were down and they didn’t know what to do with themselves. We have become so reliant on these things, it is a bit scary.

I am excited to say that I believe I have a clearer picture in my mind of the non profit association I want to create. It will be in Hammond, Indiana. It will be based on the concept of the Citizen’s Advice Bureau that they have here in the UK. Anyone can come in with any questions or concerns. If they need advice about benefits or how to go about adopting a child (that’s an example from a TV show) or how to register to vote or whatever. They just pop in. We have nothing like that in America. Or at least not in the part of America with which I am familiar.

I’m feeling a bit stagnant at the moment. Maybe I am just not meant for permanence. I mean, I am here volunteering to learn. To learn more about the needs and what resources there are to meet them. I’ve learned a lot here. I now feel confident in my job. Suddenly, I want to move on.

Sunday, November 23, 2003

I have been sick most of the time I've been here. I have read things written by past long term Northern Ireland volunteers who said they were sick for the first four months they were here. I think I am very much going down that road. On Wednesday night, I swore I was pregnant b/c I had never been so sick in my life. When I finally got over that, I discovered that I had a cold! What the hay, man!
My female roommates have taken to using the 'f' word repeatedly many times in any one sentence. I keep hearing someone yelling 'f*ck off'!
Just got off the phone with Jay. I don’t know how or what I feel right now, but it’s something. He mentioned being uncomfortable about coming here now that Ronan is in the picture, yet talks like he’s totally fine about everything. I mean, as he should be. After all, it was he who did not have the ‘deeper’ feelings for me. Yet, why do I care? Why am I even thinking about this all in the first place? It was really important to me that we hang out today, b/c it would actually be the first time we saw each other since I met Ronan. That, to me, was an important step in our friendship. Getting past that point. Getting past the awkwardness, getting used to the fact that we no longer kiss goodbye, that our hugs are different, that we won’t be having sex…..

But we didn’t hang out today. Maybe next week. Maybe not. Who fucking knows. He was insistent on us being friends, and I quickly came around to share this opinion. All the bullshit aside, we are friends and I want us to stay that way.
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I am out of cough drops and that does not make me happy. Ronan was nice enough to bring me two packets, which I have used all up! You see, now, if I were at home I could just mosey on down to one of several twenty four hour Walgreens’ locations and rectify the situation, but no, I am atop a mountain with no car and very few venues from which to choose. One Tesco on the other side of Belfast and a few petrol stations are all that are open at this time on a Sunday in Belfast. I really am a city girl.
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I tried to scan the photo of Ronan and me at the mall, but the scanner in the Cottage is having issues. I’ll have to have Peter take a look at it. Don’t think he’ll be hopping right to it, though, so it could be awhile before I get that photo on here.
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I really want to get my first aid certificate. I have some information I collected off hotcourses ages ago, so I need to follow that up with some phone calls and a chat with Sharon. I also need to find out the dates of the newspaper crafts course at the Play Resource. I got that one all cleared with Sharon, but now I can’t find the course listing. Speaking of which, I can’t find the SIM card Ronan brought for me this weekend. I was messing around with my phone and wanted to give it another go, only to find (to my despair) that the SIM card was not in its little packet. I thought maybe Ronan had taken it with him for some reason, but he said he hadn’t, so I checked on the table and the floor around there, but to no avail. How annoying.

Peter, Eva and some other random German people are sitting in the kitchen speaking German. I walked in the room and they all stopped talking suddenly. That’s not unnerving or anything….


Previous November entries
I'm falling in love. I know, I know, it's all happening so quickly and maybe I'm moving too fast, but you know what? 1.) I don't care and 2.) I can't help it. Ronan was here this weekend and we had an absolutely great time together. We went to Castlecourt shopping centre here in Belfast and I was over the moon. It was just like a proper American shopping mall, with all the hustle and bustle to go with it. After (earlier) telling me that he didn't like to go shopping, he happily went around with me to various shops in the mall, proclaiming that a.) he liked shopping with ME and b.) I went to interesting shops. Well, okay, it is early on in the relationship, so he could be humoring me, but in my defense, I did not take him to clothing shops where all he could do was stand there looking bored.

Before that, though, we went to Maggie May's on the Botanic to have breakfast. I, again, was happy to partake in American fare that I've missed: french toast with maple syrup. Yummy to my tummy. Before that, we spent about an hour driving around Belfast looking for a place to eat. Thankfully, there was a very helpful woman at the Shell gas station who seemed to know Belfast very well and strongly recommended Maggie May's for breakfast fare and gave us turn by turn directions. Lovely.

Okay, so I'm going on and on, but I just have to say that he brought me flowers and a bear in addition to a SIM card for my phone. Now, I have not received flowers from a man since I was in high school. Yeah, I know, that's pretty bad, but I digress. We also took our photo in one of those photo booths at the mall, which was really cute and fun. Those booths are a little bit of privacy in an otherwise crowded place...

Ah yes, it has been a good weekend. I caught up on my sleep after he left yesterday evening and can now do the mundane tasks of laundry and dishes.

Maybe I'll type more later, but I've hogged the computer enough for the time being, so I'm away. Ta ta. :-)

Sunday, November 16, 2003

Meeting Ronan

November 16, 2003 - 7:03 p.m.
Wow. Wow, wow, wow. Never in my life, I think, has complete and utter fatigue and exhaustion felt so good. Mmmmm….. His name is Ronan. Ronan John-Paul Campbell. I feel a bit silly typing this here, now. It is just a sort of elation that when tried to be expressed in words comes off as….cheesy, foolish…..oh, but it is, and that’s the great thing about it. He told me the ‘story’ of our first date in fairy tale format. Aww, so sweet. It seems absolutely daft now to have settled for less for so long before. He says he’ll show me, he says I’ll learn. Learn not to worry what his motives are, if he really means what he says, if he really is as wonderful as he seems. Lead the way, darling, I’m ready. 



This is pasted in from my old geocities page. 

Friday, November 07, 2003

Blogging

November 7, 2003 - 12:33 a.m.
I have been reading some other blogs and I hate to say, but they all seem like angry people. I mean, I know I winge and moan a lot on my site, but I don't think I ever come across as hateful, do I? When I do complain, it's not hateful towards other people, is it? It's usually about mundane things or my clumsiness or PMS or something. I don't know. I really hope that I am not as bitter as some of the folks whose words I've been reading this evening. I want my site to be a happy site! ;-) Sure, I'll have a rant now and again, but honestly, I don't want to be seen as a downer who can't stand the outside world so much that she lives on the computer. I also don't want to seem like someone who looks down their nose at everyone else or a whiny teenager who believes that 'they just don't get it!' I guess that is the theme I've found in the blogs which I perused and I don't want to be perceived that way.
Oh, today is Danielle's birthday. I have no idea how to get hold of her these days. I've resorted to writing her Mom a letter at work (as it is the only address I know for her) to track her down. I haven't gotten around to mailing it yet. One step at a time (with a super large gap in between!;-)
Hope all is well with everyone! Lots of love, Sabrina :-)

5:49 p.m. - Dreamt about Taco Bell again last night. Previously, I had recurring dreams about high school, now Taco Bell! Am I just going to keep going through the phases of my life in dream land? I was making a steak burrito supreme and I vaguely remembered the ingredients. One of the teenagers from the family center was working there as well. She said something about the wrapper I was using, and I said, “I know it’s in the wrong wrapper, it’s not that big of a deal.”
I missed work today due to sickness. Yeah, I still had cramps, but it was more the not being able to stand up for extended periods of time and nausea that got me today. I wanted to take a shower, but I just couldn’t stand up that long. After many, many more hours of sleep, I was then able to stand up long enough to complete the shower task. As I looked at my grubby, dirty self in the mirror, I realized how much I tend to let myself go while I’m sick. I hadn’t even brushed my hair and it was after 4:00 p.m. It’s time like that when I begin to wonder; ‘am I the only grubby person in the world?’ ‘Am I the only one who doesn’t brush their teeth or hair until 4:00 p.m. when they’re sick? Or change out of their pajamas?’ I am really annoyed with my housemates. One or more of them were smoking in the kitchen. I saw Peter with a cigarette and said, “Could you please not smoke in common rooms?” He was on his way to receive the phone call I had just informed him of, and acted like he didn’t understand this English word, ‘common rooms’ and just repeated it as he walked by me to get the phone. In any event, now they are not in the house. I had gone over to the cottage to eat my sandwich b/c the smoky smell in the kitchen was about to make me keel over and then Suzanne came over to the cottage shocked to see me there. I see the lights on in the upstairs room, so I think they are hanging out over there now. They will be in big trouble if they think they can smoke in there, b/c that stuff is no joke at a children’s center. They’ve already been warned about something like that before. Ah well, tis not my problem now and I am quite happy to have the house to myself.
Okay, so I’ve decided that I am going to do the LLB degree. Yeah, it’ll be difficult to transfer to America, but it’s not impossible. Also, $5,000 versus $100,000 is pretty much the deciding factor. After talking to John Marshall Law School’s financial aid department and pretty much finding out all I can get is loans, well that did not make me a happy camper. I’m already close to the brink with my $25,000 in debt from my undergraduate degree. Sometimes I get close to hyperventilating just thinking about it. When I told Jason my brilliant plan just a half hour ago, he asked, “so where are you going to get the £3,000?” Talk about raining on my fricking parade. Anyhow, I have a plan for that, too. Working in New Zealand. Yeah, I know, sounds a bit crazy, but I’ve wanted to do that anyways, and this guy Philip told me about how he actually was able to save money whilst he was working there due to the low cost of living. I can get a one year work permit while I am under 30 years of age. I called and ordered the work permit information and will research it more, of course, but that is the plan I’ve concocted today. I often hate telling people my plans, b/c they change so often as I find out more and then I worry that people perceive me as fickle. I just say that the first idea is just that, an idea, and I build on that, not abandon it. Hmph. So there.
Well, I am going to do a bit of research on working in New Zealand. Hope all is well with everyone. Lots of love, Sabrina ;-)

New! I am trying out a blog site and seeing if it is easier to do my daily journal on there, and keeping this site for photos and other wonderful bits and pieces of my life. So far, I've just done a short review of 2003 and how it affected me. (hey, that rhymes!) Anyhow, check it out, if you like!


This is pasted in from my old geocities site. The blog mentioned above is this one. 

Thursday, November 06, 2003

Law School and PMS

November 6, 2003 - 8:58 p.m
I went to the dr. today. I had a breast exam, and all was well. I got some tablets to help with my cramps and some iron pills. I am not feeling well at all today b/c it is cramp day. I was at work this morning, but towards the end of the day I started getting the sweats and feeling faint, so I came over to the house. I slept from 1:00 to 6:00 p.m. 


I called the American Bar Association today to find out about studying law here and taking the bar exam in America. This would be a lot cheaper for me. Anyhow, I was referred and referred and finally found out that, no, at least not in Illinois. I can do it in New York, but then I would have to practice in New York for five years before I could transfer to Illinois. Since I have no desire to live in New York, that’s a big downer for me. Oh well. 


I am very homesick lately. This afternoon, I had a dream that I went home for a surprise visit. I was very happy. The kids that I work with were there as well, though, I think. I am looking for cheap flights to go home for Christmas, so we will see. I don’t feel like I want to leave here for good, I just want to go for a visit.
Well, I’m going to phone John Marshall Law School in Chicago now, b/c, for the second time, my online request for information has encountered an error.
Hope all is well with everyone. Lots of love, Sabrina ;-)
My homepage
As the holiday season approaches (quicker and quicker, it seems) I am quite comfortable with the fact that it is November. I am even comfortable with the fact that it will December in just a few short weeks. What has just hit me, though, is that soon enough, it will be 2004. I swear, it seems like I just started getting used to it being 2003. So, I began to think, what happened this year? What did I achieve, spiritually and otherwise? How was this different from other years?

In January, I moved out of my parents house to the co-op in Chicago. Back to my birthplace. I was working at American Eagle in Orland and transferred to the downtown store, which I thought was so prestigious. I was feverishly applying for other jobs, and worked in a flower shop in Hyde Park for the week of Valentine’s Day. I went on numerous job interviews, but nothing really came to fruition in terms of full time non profit work. The field was incredibly competitive. I did land a part time gig at Northwestern Mutual Financial Network. I worked both there and AE for a short while. Then Grandmother died. I found out while I was at work at American Eagle, and that was the last day I ever worked there. They closed a few months later.

Wednesday, November 05, 2003

New roommate

November 5, 2003 - 9:30 p.m.
Peter and our new roommate, Eva, are talking away in German. Suzanne has slipped away to the port a cabin, and I am painstakingly trying to type this with two bandaged fingers. The one that I cut with a knife at residential over a month ago is still bandaged, and I got the smallest of small paper cuts that is just aching. I know, it is the most piddly thing ever, but it’s just making my typing a bit difficult b/c the fingers involved are the forefingers on each hand. So, Eva arrived tonight as we were all eating dinner. It was about 8:00 and we had just finished work at 7:30. She is German, 20 years old and will be here until March. She reminds me of someone I’ve known, but I can’t yet think of who.
The Quaker reception last night was quite nice. We got very lost on the way there, so were a little late, but made it in the end. Louise, the youth program co-ordinator, also went because she is new staff as well. I thought the people were really nice and the dinner was lovely. They gave us food to take home, too! ;-) had a great time, but when we got in the bus to go home, Peter was wingeing about how he had wanted to go an hour earlier. I swear, there is a side to Peter coming out that really suggests a closed-mindedness that I never knew of before. Today Suzanne said something about one of the past volunteers being gay and Peter replied with disgust, “and he worked with children?” Suzanne made some comment that one would expect to be made and then Peter said that he was only kidding, but I don’t think that was the case, or even if it was, I would never have thought to make that comment even in jest. Peter is not that comically sophisticated, anyways.


Jason did phone me tonight. I swear, my heart aches from missing him.


I slept late this morning b/c I had the most vivid dreams were everyone was so disappointed in me and I owed them everything. I also had two broken legs in casts and was walking around on crutches. So weird.
Right now I’m looking at fares for going home for Christmas. I don’t know if it’s a possibility yet, but we shall see.
Hope all is well with everyone and I look forward to hearing from you. Lots of love, Sabrina ;-)

Tuesday, November 04, 2003

Quaker Meeting night

November 4, 2003 - 11:00 p.m.
We’ve just got home from the Quaker Meeting night. We met the members of the Ulster Quaker Service Committee and had a lovely dinner and dessert. It was nice, though we got really lost on the way there (it was at one the members’ house) and Peter, who was driving got really upset on the way home, for reasons that are so boring, I’ll not bother typing them, but I had fun! Today with the kids we took an ‘autumn walk’. This involved going out and picking up leaves then putting them in a bag. We only braved the elements for about 5–7 minutes. Then again, with the amount of leaves on the ground, you don’t have to go very far. We then went into the craft room and glued the leaves onto paper and decorated our masterpieces with glitter and confetti and the like. It was actually quite good fun. It is entirely way past my bedtime, so I best be off. Although, I will mention that I phoned Jason when we arrived home, and he was so distracted I asked if he wanted me to let him go and he said, “yes, if you don’t mind.” I think that’s the first time I’ve ever had someone take me up on that. He is intensely studying for his exam on Thursday, and I mean for f*ck’s sake, he’s not my boyfriend anymore, so I just said, “no, not at all.” He said he’d ring me tomorrow, but I said not if you don’t want to. “Oh no, I will.” The great thing about him, is that he actually probably will. Hope all is well with everyone. Lots of love, Sabrina ;-)


This was pasted in from my old geocities site on 2/12/13

Monday, November 03, 2003

Back to work

November 3, 2003 – 5:06 p.m.
First day back to work. Last night I dreamt that it was first day back to school and I went literally kicking and screaming. Well, actually, I was mostly rolling around on the sidewalk b/c I SOOO did not want to go back. Anyhow, I had counseling today after work. Peter was nice enough to take me there, but he was oh not so happy about picking me up. No siree bob. Oh well, I’m home safe, and I told him I’d do him a favor (like dishes or something), so nothing more to be done. Oh, I also called Jay first thing this morning and asked him who Helen was. He was like, “uh, what?” But I calmly repeated the question as if it were completely normal and then said that I had a dream he was married to someone named Helen. He didn’t know anyone by that name. Hey, I was half asleep, and I swore it was going to bug me the rest of the day if I didn’t ask him that morning. Well, I pretty much forgot about it after I woke up completely, but oh well. I miss Jay. I mean, we are really good friends and all, and I am thankful for that, but I miss having him as a boyfriend. Like tonight, for example, I would love to just be curled up on the couch with someone having a cuddle, making me feel safe, forgetting about my fears and insecurities and the petty problems of the day and just feeling totally comfortable with each other. Tomorrow night, me, the volunteers and Louise, the newest member of paid staff, are going to a Quaker dinner function. It’s like “meet the new people” night. I’ll let you know how it goes. On Wednesday, we are getting a new volunteer. Her name is Eva and she is from Germany. She is replacing Suzanne, who will be leaving the first week of January. As ever, I’ll let you know how it all goes ;-) Hope all is well. Lots of love, Sabrina ;-)


This was pasted in from my old geocities page on 2/12/13

Sunday, November 02, 2003

Last day of vacation

November 2, 2003 – 6:20 p.m.
Ah, the last day of vacation. I must say, it’s been very nice getting to sleep WHENEVER I want for as LONG as I want. Ahhh, yes, bliss. It has been a relaxing week, indeed. I don’t regret not going anywhere, I am a bit of a hermit sometimes and I do really enjoy sleeping, in case you didn’t already get that. I am a bit nervous about going back to work tomorrow. It’s kind of like the first day of school. I do miss the kids, though, so it will be nice to see them again. I know yesterday’s entry seemed a bit down, and I was a bit down, but after talking to Jason and my Mom, I felt a lot better. I’m starting to look more into law school and maybe start the ball rolling on that. I’ll keep you posted!


This was pasted in from my old geocities page on 2/12/13

Saturday, November 01, 2003

Day in the life/Emotional

November 1, 2003 – 9:33 p.m.

I am going to try something new and put multiple journal entries on one page. I have a load of files in this account, and making a new page for each day is getting out of hand.

I now know why I am always broke – taxi cabs. Slowly, but surely they pull at my meager income. Damn this mountain.

It’s raining here in Northern Ireland, but then again, it’s always raining here in Northern Ireland.

I am a bit emotional right now…To put things in fair context, I am a bit sickly and randomly fell over twice today. Once was a bit nasty, as I fell on rocks while getting into the van, and then I nearly fell completely forward while getting out of the van, but luckily Peter was there. We just went to the grocery store where I bought some cough medicine. Also, a quick glance at the calendar suggests that PMS may be playing a small part, but still, I do feel quite emotional.

For example, Peter and Suzanne (my housemates) were in the living room watching a movie. Out of respect, I did not come in here to use the computer while the movie was on. I waited a full two and a half hours for the stupid movie to end and came into the living room only to find Suzanne already on the computer. I feel like a savage scrambling to get to everything before someone else does. I hate living like this, I really do. Anyhow, when I saw this, I calmly asked if she could please let me know when she was finished with the computer, but then, when I got to my bedroom, I was about to cry. I think I did even shed a tear. Ugh, I even hate typing this stuff, as it makes me feel petty. But then again, I did say I was emotional…

This was pasted in from my old geocities page on 2/12/13. Geocities closed a few years back, but this has been archived by another site http://www.geocities.ws/sabrinigreen/Nov12003.html