Last night I dreamt about visiting a nearby town, and when I woke up, my brother told me he had a show there. I also dreamt about people playing around in dirt and a little bit of water and then saw that scenario played out on MTV. Now those are not huge occurences, but as I sit here, job and house searching again, I wonder what really is my dream, and more importantly, will I ever experience it?
As you may or may not recall, I was working with the government regulating child care homes. That gig ended, then re-started, then ended for good. I have been searching for work since before Christmas.
When I lost my job, I contacted Ronan and I told him I could come be with him, just as he said he wanted. I had no commitments here anymore and could be out there within a week. Suddenly, he doesn't want me to come out there. I couldn't even begin to tell you why, because, frankly, I don't even know. Yet, again, I am just paranoid and being completely unreasonable for being upset about this.
The details at this point are irrelevant. All I want these days is stability. I just want a nice place of my own with a stable job that doesn't suck the life out of me. Anything above that is just a bonus.
I am so sick of the details, the drama, the angst. I just want to have a normal life. None of this wondering what he or she may or may not be thinking, what someone's actions might REALLY mean, or having that little voice in my head telling me that something doesn't seem kosher. That little voice isn't so little anymore, and these days, it is screaming and I can no longer ignore it.
So, no, Mike is never going to change. Bryan is never going to be right for me. And Ronan is practically an imaginary boyfriend.
What I haven't told anyone about Ronan is that he is living with his daughter's mother. They co-habitate as roommates and not as romantic partners, but I don't have the address to this abode, nor a landline number. The last email I received from him from about a week ago and that was only after much ado on my part. I told him that I needed to hear from him; an email, a letter, a phone call. And I got a whole lot of nothing. I still love him, and I do hope it works out, but right now, things aren't looking so kosher.
He said he was going to come visit me this month. He said this several months ago. Now, after hearing that I housesat for Mike, he says he's not sure about it anymore. Mind you, here it is, nearly the third week of February and he hasn't so much as thought about looking for plane fare, and now I am the scapegoat. Me and my dubious actions. That's how it always is going to be since I kissed Jason back in 2003. Now if I house sit so Mike can spend the week with his girlfriend, well, I'm at it again. If I question him about sharing a home with his ex, well, who am I to talk? If I need to hear from him once in awhile, well, he's not the one that cheated, now is he?
I can't live my life like that. I can't repent for the rest of my life for two seconds in 2003, which I immediately told him about and apologized for profusely. Not to mention that it is he who has ended this so-called relationship nearly ten times in the two and half years after that incident.
Just writing this now gives me a headache, so I am definitely so tired of dealing with this in my mind every day. No drama, no details. If you love me, I should feel it, I should know it, you should show it. End of story. If I have to think this much about it, it's just not kosher.