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| What is going on? |
I haven't had my period since February. Naturally concerned, I took a pregnancy test when my period was about ten days late. It was negative. Forty days later, still no period. I took another pregnancy test. I had all of this self talk going like, "You already took one, you know you're not pregnant", "Maybe it was too early when you took the last one and it didn't show up yet", "You have put on a few pounds, maybe you are", "But you always use protection", "But protection isn't 100%". I figured the only way to put all of these thoughts to rest was to take another test.
Negative. Again. I should be relieved, right?
Am I relieved?
I should be relieved. What am I thinking? I JUST SAID that I am definitely not ready for children yet. After spending time with my boyfriend's kids, I knew that was a plank I was not quite ready to walk. But before that, I was SO POSITIVE I wanted kids NOWLIKERIGHTNOW because I'm 38 years old and I don't know how much longer I will be able to have kids.
I knew it wasn't the right time. I want to be married. I want to be stable. I want to be ready.
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| This is a good thing, right? |
Yet, still, there was disappointment. Seeing that negative result kind of stung.
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| Just to be sure |
So now I try and look it logically. If I do want a baby, it will likely have to be within the next few years. Would I want to be pregnant in the body I have now? That would be difficult. Being overweight puts even more risk on my pregnancy, already having diabetes and advanced maternal age. Maybe I could better control my diabetes? Maybe I could be more physically fit so that pregnancy doesn't feel like prison. Sometimes I already feel like I walk and get up like a pregnant person. Would the back pain be worse? I'm sure the fatigue would knock me on my ass. The fatigue already knocks me on my ass. If I could move a couple of rings higher on the health ladder, maybe pregnancy will be more bearable for me.
That's not going to happen in fifty days. So I might as well get ready now.
