I was just tidying up the kitchen, thinking the random thoughts that run through my head and I had a total revelation. Okay, maybe not SO random thoughts. Since everyone now has a Facebook someone that you haven't spoken with in say, twenty years, pops up and you may be intrigued. In this case, I was terrified. I quickly blocked the person, all of their family, changed my screen name and went into full on ninja mode. This is the person who raped me all those years ago. I haven't had any contact with him since the actual attack. Now, this wasn't just a random stranger whose history I didn't know. This was a friend. An ex-boyfriend to be precise. He was a bad boy and I was his angel.
Instead of starting at where we met, I'll fast forward to the day of the attack. I had been volunteering for the Humane Society (angel) and then started cataloging the songs on my radio recorded cassette tapes (nerd), when my friend from across the alley called me to see if I wanted to hang out. I asked who all would be there and she said her stepbrother, Cliff and his friend, bad boy. I declined, because I didn't want to be in close proximity with bad boy. Since our relationship had ended, he had taken the bad boy-ness up a notch or two. All the way to the big house. If I recall correctly, we hung up, I went back to cataloging my cassettes and she called again later. She was going bowling. I believe there may have been a guilt trip involved somehow. Maybe she didn't want to be with bad boy alone? Maybe she said I was overreacting about avoiding bad boy (more likely). I don't know. Either way, I give in and go to the bowling alley. Bad boy is there on a pay phone (archaic). I decide to get this shit out of the way ASAP and walk right up to him. I stop short and he is surprised to see me. I've got walls up as high and as strong as Fort Knox and he senses it.
Fast forward again, because frankly, I don't remember a lot, or actually anything else about the bowling alley. Somehow we are alone on a walk and I am asking him point blank about jail and his court case and what he did and if he did drugs and I think I am just so hard core because I'm showing him I know what he's about and I'm not falling for his shit. He seems beguiled, maybe. He tells me about it and then things start to turn. I should note here, that since this time, I've checked the court records and it was only two days prior (as in what would have been, "the day before yesterday") that he was in court. Here's where the angel part comes in again.
He says he has changed his ways. This experience (jail) has shown him the error of his ways. He no longer does drugs. He doesn't live a life of crime anymore. He is good now. He is worthy of me now, his angel.
My saviour mode goes into overdrive and now I want to help make him an angel, too. And not in the way I had tried before by ripping up his cigarettes. In a much, much bigger way. This wasn't about stopping smoking, this was about a changed soul.
I had fallen in the trap.
To be continued...
I had an amazing time Monday night with Jenn at a concert in Chicago. Even though it was a 'school night' for her, she met me there and we had a blast. It's so nice to actually do something fun for a change! It's like I don't even know what I actually enjoy doing anymore. I know I like doing things with my niece. The kid's stuff like going to the park or whatever. But what do I personally like to do? No idea. I don't even know what brings me joy.
