The Butterfly Effect

I know I had mentioned the Butterfly Effect movie in my other blog and how I had taken it to heart with Mike and I's relationship.  I have also mentioned to some people how I seem to be having a delayed reaction in my grief over Mike's death.  Since there was so much to be taken care of immediately following, I just kind of pressed through.

Well, today, for some unbeknownst reason, these ideas have come together in my mind and I can't seem to shake the thought that I did something horribly wrong.  It wasn't supposed to happen this way and I didn't follow some plan and now Mike's gone.  Whether it was from the time we first met, the last time we spoke, or even my parents buying this house instead of the one down the street - I feel that this has been some sort of cosmic accident and I wish I could go back like in the film and change it.

There was also a similar situation in the series finale of Felicity.  She goes back and chooses the other guy and this starts a chain of events that indirectly leads to one of the friends' deaths.

Mike came to his mom and said that it wasn't supposed to happen this way.  I believe it.  For the past couple of months, I've believed that everything happens for a reason, and it was his time or God had a bigger plan, but today, I feel like I screwed up big time and as a result, Mike's dead.

Maybe I'm just being stupid, and maybe tomorrow I'll feel differently, but this is how I feel now.  I feel that I will and should carry this with me for the rest of my life.  I feel that I am obligated to actively mourn him and keep his memory alive.  I believe my new role in life is to grieve for Mike and nothing else.  I can't imagine not having the pain or the doubts or having one minute go by that I don't think of the fact that he's gone.

I should've been stronger, I should've done more, I should've been a better woman.  That's all I can think right now. Well, the only thing I can think to do right now is go to his grave and make sure its taken care of, and continue my role as the grief stricken ex girlfriend.

Pasted in from myspace blog on 3/23/14