Month

It's been a month now since Mike died.  Normally I would say it seems like longer or sooner, but right now, it just seems like a month.  I really don't think I will ever fully grasp that he is no longer on this earth.  The last night I slept in his apartment, I had a dream and we were talking.  I couldn't see him or anything, just heard his voice.  The last thing he said to me was, "I don't exist anymore".  I started crying and I said, "yes, you do! Yes, you do!" and woke myself up saying that and crying. 

It seems that would be a difficult thing to hear, and it was, but it was also very helpful.  Here I was, in his apartment with his things, sleeping on his pillows trying so hard to feel close to him. Closing my eyes and trying to think of every memory, hoping that I would somehow feel his spirit, his presence, hoping he was still here. I replay that sentence in my mind, "I don't exist anymore", to try and come to grips with the fact that he is not here. I am comfortable with the fact that he is with Jesus, and there isn't a doubt in my mind about that, however, he is not of this earth any longer. I touched his body, there was no heartbeat, no warmth. He does not exist in the world I live in. I need to accept that, but first, I need to comprehend it.

Copied from myspace blog 11/10/13