Back in Laf

Back here in Lafayette. Once I'm here, I feel like I want to be here, once I'm up in Hammond, I feel like I want to be there. Wow, am I like three years old or what?
Anyhoo, made it back fine. Need to unload the furniture from Mike's place from my car into my apartment. No fun :-( I am very physically weak and this will take me quite awhile. So better get to it. Later gators :-)

Pasted in from myspace blog 3/23/14- note: when I say I am very physically weak, I don't mean from sickness, I mean in general, as in I have trouble lifting heavy things

Memorial Day

Drinking/eating a root beer float.  Waiting for my bro to get home from work.  Worked my ass off today.  Moved shit out of Mike's office - some to storage, some is going to my apartment.  Digging up plants at Mike's Mom's house and walking them down the street to plant at my Mom's.  That was fun b/c Mary got to get out and about and we took Lace, but I worked my butt off.  I mean no joke.  We went by first to assess the situation, then went back to dig up the flowers we needed, then walked those down to my Mom's house, then I dug the holes which sucked b/c there are so many roots there from the trees.  Then I had to go back to get the charger for her wheelchair, and an extension cord.  Blah blah blah.  I totally was not expecting to have to move as much shit as I did out of the office today, I thought I was gonna go in, get my stuff and go.  Umm no.    Whatever, the planting part was fun, just a helluva lot more work than I thought it would be.   And I forgot I was planning on driving home tonight, d'oh.  I am feeling uber bitchy tonight.  Not looking forward to work tomorrow - working both jobs, but I feel like there is so much here that still needs to be done.  As much as I don't want to live up here, I have so much here it is so hard to keep going back and forth.   I'm also bitchy b/c it always sucks going back to normal life after vacation.  Am I right? ;-)

Speaking of normal life, I really need to take the damn LSAT.  How about I study for it, like for more than five minutes?  That would be awesome.  Why am I cussing so much.  Must be a symptom of bitchiness.  And can someone please tell me how to add ppl to my preferred list?  I found something online, and it started out okay, but then when I finally found the person thru the search thing, it didn't have anything to click on to make them preferred.

On a brighter note, vacation was awesome!  Thanks Ethereal and Jouli for inviting us into your homes!  It is always so much funner to stay with ppl than to stay in hotels, imho.   See you guys next year.

Pasted in from myspace blog 3/23/14

Delayed Reaction Part II - Sick of the Bullshit!

Another delayed reaction - anger!

I took the high road but hell, I'm over the high road.  Here's a message I got from Ashley after Mike died and before the funeral.

Mar 15, 2007 9:11 PM
Subject: mike
I know i have never talked to you really or anything but i would really like you to get over mike. he was a completly different person then what you knew him back then. and all this mike and sabrina shit is makin me sick. you are messed up in the head if you can honestly say that he was a true friend. I know shit you dont and i wouldnt want you to keep puttin yourself through all this pain and hurt for someone who didnt care for you back. i would know i lived with him for a year and listened to everything he had to say and did everything i could for the man and now i am messed up in the head and have to get help for it now. if anything your the lucky one. i dont care who you show this to show it to everyone they are not goin to believe me but i dont care. Yes i loved him and yes i miss him a tone i cry everyday but no one had to go through what i went through just to try to be happy no one did it but me. no one that is goin to the wake or the funeral knows the real mike , none of you had to look in his eyes as he layed lifeless on the grass, none of you gave him cpr, none of you did any of that i did. all i tried to keep him together and he fought me every inch of the way. to me everyone that has known mike has been fake or has turned fake. for his own father to say "michael why would do this to your family, why would you do this to me?" and then turn around and say that he killed himself and then and only when he finds out that he didnt does he change his tone and says that mike is his hero is fake to me. all of you are bein fake about this. you can rememeber mike the way you want and i will remember mike the way i want just think about what i said and look and listen monday and tuesday and see if things match up!!!!
--------------------------------------------------------------

Nothing like sticking together in times of crisis, huh?

Well, in other news, Mike's funeral is paid off.  Now just have to get enough money for a headstone.  Hey Ashley, since you're so sick of the Mike-Sabrina stuff, how 'bout you take care of that?  Oh wait, no, you didn't return any phone calls and just left Mike in the morgue and then sent me a shitty letter b/c I actually helped make the arrangements.  Awesome.  We almost didn't get to have an open casket funeral b/c his body was left too long.    Wait, what was that you had to say, oh Mike was an asshole to you?  Interesting, so why didn't you leave him?   Or how about moving out to give each other a little space?  Oh, that's right, you don't get free rent and drugs at any other place.   And that bullshit you fed Jenn about you left Carbondale for him - umm, I seem to remember you getting into a fight with your basketball coach and walking off the floor.  Suddenly losing your basketball scholarship had a lot more to do with you leaving that school than Mike.   And things he said - umm yeah, he didn't want you to move in with him he liked you being down in Carbondale and you guys having that kind of space.  Isn't that why you slept on the couch when you first got there?  Oh and how about when he first told you no and then you called up your ex-b/f and told him you were in love with him and wanted to get back together so you would have a place to stay.  Yeah, that was pretty cool, too.

Talk about being messed up in the head - you were a pill popping drug addict long before Mike came along.  He tried to help you as much as you say you tried to help him.  He went to your rehab counseling with you.  He let you stay with him b/c he knew your parents' house was a bad environment for you.  Oh and speaking of rehab, funny thing I found in Mike's apartment (which I cleaned out b/c no one else would) - your original discharge papers which say you left against staff advice and the ones Mike forged for you that said you were let go b/c you had nothing in your system and your parents just needed to leave you alone.

Getting that email from you at that time was by far one of the meanest things that has ever been done to me.  I was nice to you in return.  I've been nice since.  I don't feel like being nice anymore.  The more I think of things I could've done to help him, the more I think of things YOU could've done or could not have done like telling him to go ahead and kill himself, for example.   Or, I don't know, maybe not have cheated on him with your teammate and then your best friend.  Hmmm... or talked to his family when he was not going into work for weeks at a time.  You know, these are things normal people tend to do when they care for someone.

Don't blame Mike for your addiction or your psychosis.  No matter how bad he was to you, you are the one that stayed.  And until you figure that out, you've got a lot more psychiatrists to see.

The Butterfly Effect

I know I had mentioned the Butterfly Effect movie in my other blog and how I had taken it to heart with Mike and I's relationship.  I have also mentioned to some people how I seem to be having a delayed reaction in my grief over Mike's death.  Since there was so much to be taken care of immediately following, I just kind of pressed through.

Well, today, for some unbeknownst reason, these ideas have come together in my mind and I can't seem to shake the thought that I did something horribly wrong.  It wasn't supposed to happen this way and I didn't follow some plan and now Mike's gone.  Whether it was from the time we first met, the last time we spoke, or even my parents buying this house instead of the one down the street - I feel that this has been some sort of cosmic accident and I wish I could go back like in the film and change it.

There was also a similar situation in the series finale of Felicity.  She goes back and chooses the other guy and this starts a chain of events that indirectly leads to one of the friends' deaths.

Mike came to his mom and said that it wasn't supposed to happen this way.  I believe it.  For the past couple of months, I've believed that everything happens for a reason, and it was his time or God had a bigger plan, but today, I feel like I screwed up big time and as a result, Mike's dead.

Maybe I'm just being stupid, and maybe tomorrow I'll feel differently, but this is how I feel now.  I feel that I will and should carry this with me for the rest of my life.  I feel that I am obligated to actively mourn him and keep his memory alive.  I believe my new role in life is to grieve for Mike and nothing else.  I can't imagine not having the pain or the doubts or having one minute go by that I don't think of the fact that he's gone.

I should've been stronger, I should've done more, I should've been a better woman.  That's all I can think right now. Well, the only thing I can think to do right now is go to his grave and make sure its taken care of, and continue my role as the grief stricken ex girlfriend.

Pasted in from myspace blog on 3/23/14

Decoration Day

Someone in my genealogy email list sent this today.  Decoration Day is what brought my mom and I down to Alabama.  Her family's cemetery's Decoration Day is always the third Sunday in May. 

The following article is from the Times Daily of Florence, Alabama.
===============================
A Southern tradition
Decoration Day a time for family togetherness, celebration

By Kenda Williams, Staff Writer, TimesDaily
Billy Barnet visits and cleans family graves at North Carolina Church of Christ Cemetery near Greenhill.
Decoration Day at cemeteries is an important tradition for many Southerners, including Bill McDonald's family.

"I remember good memories of when my family would meet on the Saturday before Decoration Day and clean off the cemetery; and on Sunday we'd all gather with each family and where people are buried in the cemetery," said McDonald, Florence city historian.

McDonald said he hopes to pass on the tradition to his grandchildren because, he said, it's an important part of family heritage.

"I have grandchildren and they are very much interested in where their families are buried," McDonald said. "I take them there to show them a great part of their early-history."

The grave decorating tradition isn't a new one, McDonald said, and it goes back to Civil War days. Throughout the spring and summer months every year, family gravesites and rural church cemeteries across the South are spruced up and given new life with fresh or silk flowers.

Carolyn Fuqua, of Florence, met with her family during Mother's Day weekend to decorate her mother's grave in Elgin at Butler Cemetery.

"Mother has been dead for 20 years, and it's something my brother and sisters and all of our offspring get together to do on Mother's Day," Fuqua said.

For their Decoration Day tradition, the family goes to the gravesite, places new flower arrangements on the grave, visits for a while and has a meal together afterward.

"We spend that day together and celebrate our mom," Fuqua said. "It's just tradition now and a way for us to show our memory of mom and that we love her."

Some individual families, churches and groups choose to gather on Memorial Day weekend to pay homage with grave decorating, not only to those who were in the military but also to deceased family members.

Ninon Parker, chairwoman of the Colbert County Historical Landmarks Foundation, said its not uncommon for churches across the south to have decoration days along with annual church homecoming celebrations that include religious singings and potluck dinners.

"I think it's important because it brings us together as families, and it gives us an opportunity to reflect on the people who have been meaningful in our lives and contributions they've made in our lives," Parker said. "I don't think of it as being a somber time. I think of it as a time to celebrate lives and the bonds between families."

Lee Freeman, 39, is supervisor for the local history and genealogy department at the Florence-Lauderdale Public Library. Freeman said as long as he can remember, he and his family would always spend the second Sunday, every June, at the family's gravesite in Pisgah Methodist Church Cemetery in Cloverdale.

"I remember it always being hot out there. It used to bug me sometimes because a whole Sunday afternoon was wasted except for the food. We'd go after the church service and stay for the meal and for my grandmother to reminisce with all the old timers at the gravesites," Freeman said.

As a child, Freeman said he didn't appreciate the tradition as much as he does now.

"It's a way of connecting with family and ancestors, and it's a way to sample some excellent cuisine," Lee said. "It's a great way to see family you never get to see, and it's a living connection to the past, because you're acknowledging family that has passed."

Incorporating Southern-style food and family time in the tradition, along with honoring ancestors is something that Lee said he has always enjoyed about Decoration Day.

"It's amazing how many people my age and younger are interested in family history and genealogy," Lee said.

McDonald said grave decorating has increased in popularity through the years, with the ever-growing attraction to family genealogy and historical preservation.

"The decoration of graves is promoted by historians because it helps them share the protection of these small early cemeteries throughout the South," McDonald said. "Being able to find the cemeteries makes people interested in the preservation of gravesites."

As for the future, Parker said she believes the tradition of grave decorating will continue, as long as families share and pass on memories with one another.

"I have memories of way back in my childhood of going with my family to the cemeteries, and it was an important ritual to go back," Parker said. "It actually gave me a chance to feel like I knew my grandmother, my great-grandmother and my grandfather that I wouldn't have known if we didn't have that important time to go back and visit the graves."

Kenda Williams can be reached at 740-5720 or kenda.williams@timesdaily.com.

Pasted in from myspace blog on 3/23/14

There's no place like home

Just got back from vacation! Kentucky, Tennessee, Alabama. Went to Kentucky Down Under yesterday and pet some kangaroos. Woohoo! Well, gotta go visit Mike's grave before it gets dark and/or starts raining. Make sure those flowers are doing okay.
Later gator.

Okie dokie artichoke, I'm back. Flowers are doing fine.

Brought my little watering can and watered the plants and flowers. (some of them are real, others are silk b/c I don't trust myself to have all real yet!) The grass needs to be cut, which is odd, b/c this is a typically a well manicured cemetery. The sod is so grown together, you can barely tell that it's a new grave. The name plate is finally up. Everything was the same only now there is this obnoxious sign on the gate of the cemetery saying that our mayor has declared this a "Crime Free Zone" and something about not committing crimes in here. Now, I've never been one for breaking the law or vandalizing cemeteries in any way, but I saw that sign and the teenage punk in my head said, "I'll show you a crime free zone you f-ing so and so mayor, you!" Well, my teenage punk doesn't really like to cuss. Anyhow, I wondered what the heck brought this on. After I left Mike's grave, I swung by to a neighboring cemetery to visit another friend, and that place had the same sign. I don't know if something happened while I was gone, or if the mayor just came up with this to fix something that wasn't broken. He sure likes to do that. Anything that puts his name up more and makes for a photo op. Seriously, dude.

If I was going to go into a cemetery to drink, vandalize, and/or trespass, somehow this sign just seems to make me want to do it more rather than less. Maybe that's just my twisted psyche. But then again, when I was living in Belfast, it seemed that any time a fence was put up, it was quickly torn down. Same things with walls. It becomes like a challenge. Only, not only will I knock down the fence, I will also set fire to it. That doesn't seem like effective problem solving. Or at Purdue back in 1999 when the girls basketball team won the championship and there were riots. It was either the next night or the next year (I don't remember) but the police were sitting in cars across from the largest all male dorm, Cary Quad, where most of the mayhem began, and it created a stand-off. The police were being pre-emptive, but the guys in Cary weren't even out there and may not have even gone out there, but when they saw the police out there, curiosity, machismo, or both, had guys pouring out of the dorm, just standing on the front lawn, facing the police. It was bizarre.

Or there was this kid I was working with in Belfast and he used to climb out windows, cars, whatever, so needless to say, we had to form some sort of barrier between him and any escape hatch. He was happily distracted by some sort of activity when I noticed our close proximity to the un-manned door. I tried to be as discreet as I possibly could in my moving towards the door, like acting all casual *doo doo doo, what's over here* kind of thing, but he saw me heading that way and stopped what he was doing and made a beeline for the door. He didn't even want to go out it, but seeing me trying to keep him from doing so infuriated him and set off this reflex to go for what he can't have. To go against authority.

These cemetery signs just seem like a good way to piss people off and not do much else. There's my five cents, Mr. Mayor.

There's no place like home...

Just got back from vacation!  Kentucky, Tennessee, Alabama.  Went to Kentucky Down Under yesterday and pet some kangaroos.  Woohoo!  Well, gotta go visit Mike's grave before it gets dark and/or starts raining.  Make sure those flowers are doing okay.

Later gator.



Pasted in from myspace blog on 3/23/14

Eurovision Song Contest

This was something  I found out about while living in
England.  Every year there is a song contest amongst European countries, it is televised live and the winner gets bragging rights for a whole year.  Yippee!  Here's a link to an article about this year's contest.  Apparently, jolly ol' England didn't fare too well.  I remember watching it in Manchester with my Ukrainian roommate and she taught me that 1.) you do not refer to the country and "the" Ukraine, it is just Ukraine 2.) If she was a fair representation, I would guess that lots of folks watch this annual song contest. Oh and the country which wins, hosts the ceremonies the following year.  Unless its unsightly, then they just pick someplace else.  Okay, I'm just kidding about the last part, but only partially.  I vaguely remember something about not having it somewhere b/c it was offensive to their culture, but now I'm thinking that was Miss Universe.  D'oh.  And the 2004 Ukrainian song was pretty cool.  Nice and catchy, though I can't remember it at all now, just remember what I thought of it.  Guess those bragging rights don't last too long.


















Pasted in from myspace blog on 3/23/14

Update to Heimlich

A couple weeks ago, one of my co-workers was choking severely at lunch and another co-worker had to give her the Heimlich maneuver.  The piece of food was dislodged along with the other contents of her stomach.  ahem. Anyhow, we were all very proud of our brave co-worker and started asking each other if we knew the correct way to handle a choking.  So I came across this:

http://www.sevendaysvt.com/nc/columns/local-matters-news/2006/red-cross-revises-tips-for-helping-choking-victims.html

Apparently, there are some changes to the procedure.  Well, I guess that's why you have to keep getting re-certified in these things.  Anyhow, now you start with a swift blow to the back (not to be confused with a slap).  Oh, but first you ask, "are you choking?"  If the swift blows don't do it, then you go for the Heimlich.  Only now, they are starting to refer to it as just "abdominal thrusts".  Turns out there's some drama with Dr. Heimlich and his legacy.  He's still around, but his son accuses him of stealing the idea for the maneuver and for calling the back blows, death blows b/c he wanted more use of the Heimlich.  I dunno, it seems that practically anything can turn into a tabloid story....

Copied from myspace blog 11/10/13

Mike's Playlist

This is a playlist of songs that remind me of Mike for various reasons.  Some were from the time of our relationship, some we even told each other helped explained our relationship, and others, well they just do.  It's still a work in progress.

.

Collide -- Howie Day Youve Got To Hide Your Love Away - Eddie Vedder -- I Am Sam (+ 2 Bonus Tracks) Cherry Pie -- Warrant Praying for Time -- George Michael Uhh Ahh -- Boyz II Men Diamonds And Pearls -- Prince Motownphilly -- Boyz II Men End Of The Road -- Boyz II Men The Man Who Sold The World -- Nirvana Lips Of An Angel -- Hinder Blowing Kisses In The Wind -- Paula Abdul, Paula Abdul Better Than Me -- Hinder Vision Of Love -- Mariah Carey Superwoman -- Karyn White i get the power -- Snap November Rain -- Guns N' Roses November Rain (Full Version) -- Guns N' Roses I Remember You -- Skid Row I Don't Wanna Cry -- Mariah Carey Ex-Factor -- Lauryn Hill Save A Prayer (US Single Version) -- Duran Duran First Time -- Surface I Wanna Sex You Up - Color Me Badd -- Christopher Williams Boom! I got your boyfriend -- salt n pepa Save The Best For Last -- Vanessa Williams 3 A.M. Eternal [Live at the S.S.L.] -- The KLF Everybody Dance Now -- C & C Music Factory Baby Got Back -- Sir Mix a Lot Ordinary World -- Duran Duran Enter Sandman -- Metallica If I Ever Fall In Love (acapella) -- Shai Nobody Knows -- Tony Rich Project The Sign -- Ace of Base The First Cut Is The Deepest -- Sheryl Crow You Oughta Know -- Alanis Morissette Photograph -- Nickelback How You Remind Me -Nickelback -- Nickelback Last Kiss -- Pearl Jam Jeremy -- Pearl Jam Fallin' -- Alicia Keys Drops Of Jupiter -- Train Daughters -- John Mayer I Can Only Imagine -- Mercyme Fuel -- Metallica ..:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" />..:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" /> Sos -- Rihanna How To Save a Life -- The Fray Icebox -- Omarion Hate Me -- Blue October Freek-A-Leek -- Petey Pablo One Thing -- Finger Eleven Epic -- Faith No More Jack and Diane -- John Cougar Mellencamp BBD -- That Girl Is Poison My Boo ??€" Duet With Alicia Keys -- Usher This Is Why Im Hot -- Mims 6 Underground -- Sneaker Pimps Freshmen [Album Version Remix-Full Length] -- The Verve Pipe You And Me -- Lifehouse The Middle -- Jimmy Eat World Don't Cry (Original) -- Guns N' Roses --------------- Songs I need to add that I can't find yet or haven't looked for: Rico Suave, Gerardo Always Be My Baby, Mariah Carey What Do I Have to Do?, Stabbing Westward Fly to the Angels, Slaughter Something by Poison I Don't Love You, My Chemical Romance Breathe, Stretch, Shake, Let it Go, P. Diddy, Ma$e Copied from myspace blog 11/10/13

And the world keeps spinning.

Two months since Mike died.  This time, I will say it actually seems longer.  Wow, that probably sounds terrible.  It's just that life has changed so much without him here, it's hard to recognize anymore.

When he and I first started dating, we would celebrate our "anniversaries" each month.  The picture of us in September 1990 was us getting ready to go to the mall in celebration of our one month anniversary, which was the next day.   If I marked the time that way when I was with him, I think its only fair to do the same after he's gone.  I don't want him to be forgotten, and I want he and every one else to know that I will always remember him and love him no matter how long he's been gone.  I said I would love him forever and I will.

Pasted in from myspace blog 3/23/14