This page talks about quotes that help thru life. I was doing a search for the Einstein quote about doing the same things over again and expecting different results and came across that page. I was looking for the Einstein quote because it seems to be what so many people do, and that is what is happening here on the estate on which I'm working. They want change, they want youth to be happy, thereby not busting out windows or setting things on fire, but they don't like doing new things to make that change happen. They really want Olka and I to keep doing the things that were done before, that made no difference. Why the hell did you recruit two people from different countries, having them bring their lives, knowledge and expertise to this estate in Salford and just carry on doing what you have been doing for years? It doesn't make sense.

Anyhow, I haven't written in awhile b/c I pulled a muscle in my back and was bed ridden. :-( I couldn't even open the door for the doctor when she came and had to drop the keys out of my bedroom window! She gave me some painkillers, though, and then I was able to make my way down the hall to the toilet with an ounce of dignity. Before, I would crawl if I could get myself up that far, or else sliver like a snake. Yeah, not a whole lot of dignity going on there!

It's Bank Holiday weekend, yippee! In America, this weekend is the unofficial start of Summer. Here in Britain, it seemed to be back on May Day, or the first bank holiday during the first week of May.

So, I have applied for admission to the University of Ulster, Magee Campus, for the MA in Peace and Conflict Studies. I've only sent it off a week and a half ago, so I've not heard anything. Fingers crossed...

Well I've got a lot of entertainment gossip to catch up on, so I'll catch you all later!

Love,
Sabrina :-)

Oh these baby cards make me laugh like a schoolgirl. The problem I think with this site, or maybe it's just my computer, is that it has these annoying pop up ads and changes the homepage of your browser. It is quickly fixed, but annoying nonetheless. What do you expect for free, right?

I am not at all well and this is actually the first time I've left the house in two days. I'm still in my pajamas and my hair is sticking out, but I wanted to quickly check my email. Olka took one look at me yesterday and was like "Are you okay?" I'm just pale as a sheet and in pain, but hey, that's life. Actually, I've got to get back to bed now. Hope all is well.

This card absolutely made me cry. Aww....

I tell you how I feel, but you don't care
I say tell me the truth but you don't dare
You say love is a hell you cannot bear
And I say gimme mine back and then go there - for all I care

Fiona Apple - Sleep to Dream
http://www.neverisapromise.com/niap/lyrics/tidal/sleeptodream.htm

Seriously, Ronan, you suck. You suck really bad.

See i dont, know why, i liked you so much
I gave you all, of my trust
I told you, i loved you, now thats all down the drain
Ya put me through pain, i wanna let u know how i feel


Fuck what i said it dont mean shit now
Fuck the presents might as well throw em out
Fuck all those kisses, they didnt mean jack
Fuck you, you hoe, i dont want you back

Ya questioned, if i care
You could ask anyone, i even said
Ya were my great one
Now its, over, but i do admit i'm sad

Eamon - Fuck It (I Don't Want You Back)
http://www.lyred.com/lyrics/EAMON/F%2A%2AK+It/F%2A%2Ak+it/

You call me up and you tell me how much you love me and how much you want to be with me and that you are "crystal clear" about what you want now. You even tell me you'll go with me around the world and that you want to spend the REST OF YOUR LIFE with me. I'm dubious, as usual, but when you start talking about marriage and shit, I'm thinking, "maybe he's serious this time". You reassured me that everything was going to be fine. We talked about my immigration paperwork. I applied for my Masters at Magee, we were going to live together. I seriously feel like a complete and utter moron.

I have never been so insulted in all my life
I could swallow the seas to wash down all this pride
First you run like a fool just to be at my side
And now you run like a fool, but you just run to hide, and I don't abide

I got my feet on the ground and I don't go to sleep to dream
You got your head in the clouds and you're not all what you seem
This mind, this body, and this voice cannot be stiffled by your deviant ways
So don't forget what I told you, don't come around, I got my own hell to raise

Fiona Apple - Sleep to Dream
http://www.neverisapromise.com/niap/lyrics/tidal/sleeptodream.htm

Get outta my mouth
Get outta my head
Get outta my mind
Stop puttin' words in my head
Get outta my mouth
You're nothing but trouble
Get outta my life
Get out of me
Out of me (out of me)

TLC - Dear Lie

you really got me going, you got me so I don't know what I'm doing
yea, you really got me now, you got me so I can't sleep at night
yea, you really got me now, you got me so I don't know what I'm doing
You really got me
The Kinks
http://www.lyricsxp.com/lyrics/y/you_really_got_me_the_kinks.html

How many times do I have to say
To get away-get gone
Flip your shit past another lasses
Humble dwelling
You got your game, made your shot, and you got away
With a lot, but I'm not turned-on
So put away that meat you're selling
Cuz I do know what's good for me-
And I've done what I could for you
But you're not benefiting, and yet I'm sitting
Singing again, sing, sing again
How can I deal with this, if he won't get with this
M'I gonna heal from this; he won't admit to it
Nothing to figure out; I gotta get him out
It's time the truth was out that he don't give a
Shit about me
How many times can it escalate
Till it elevates to a place I can't breathe?
And I must decide, if you must deride
That I'm much obliged to up and go
I'll idealize, then realize that it's no
Sacrifice, because the price is paid, and
There's nothing left to grieve
Fuckin go-
Cuz I've done what I could for you, and I do know what's
Good for me and I'm not benefiting, instead
I'm sitting singing again, singing again, singing again,
Sing, sing, sing again
How can I deal with this, if he won't get with this
M'I gonna heal from this; he won't admit to it
Nothing to figure out; I gotta get him out
It's time the truth was out that he don't give a
Shit about me
Fiona Apple - "Get Gone"
http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/fionaapple/getgone.html

Why do we
Crucify ourselves
Every day
I crucify myself
Nothing I do is good enough for you
Crucify myself
Every day
And my heart is sick of being in chains

Tori Amos - "Crucify"
http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/toriamos/crucify.html

You really got me this time.

The words of a dozen love gone wrong songs fill my head as I try desperately to grasp what has happened today.

I went to sleep last night envisioning our lives together and I was awoken this morning...

I feel so beaten - defeated. Talk about flogging a dead horse. I've been through this with you at least a half dozen times. I suppose that says more about me than you.

I truly believed you when you said you wanted to spend your life with me. I thought this was the logical next step for us. I thought our time had finally come.

36 hours later you change your mind and tell me via text.

I feel like a fool - a moron. Like this will happen to me my whole life. That I will love and not be loved back the same way just as it has been in every previous relationship.

Ronan said...

“I miss the way you looked into my eyes when we were in the car together; the way you touched the back of my hair and stroked my face.”

“I miss feeling loved when you kissed me.”

This all reminds me very much of Duncan, who always “loved” me, was always apologetic and who always dumped me without warning.

Ronan as Duncan and Jason as Mike?

As my life repeats itself over and over again.

Jason loves me, a lot, but just “not that way”. Yet he is ridiculously sexually attracted to me – even more so than to his girlfriend. He flew here from Belfast just to spend one day with me.

So what do I do to stop my life from going 'round in circles? Counseling, dieting, career, school, friends – what? I feel I've done so many things that have taken me so far away form where I was before (not just physically, but mentally). Yet once my life starts going forward again, it's like the tape got stuck and I'm living it over in different places with different people, but the story is always the same.

“All around me are familiar faces, worn out places, worn out faces.” -Mad World, Gary Jules

I've met people form different countries, different cultures, all around the Western World and still my life continues to be just like it was at Gavit High School in Hammond, Indiana with the boy from down the street. Why? I've not only moved, but I've also had many life experiences which have completely changed my way of thinking and how I live my life.

Mondays. Normally I don't like Mondays (kind of like that song, though not that extreme) but I've started taking Mondays off work and they are a lot better now. I don't work forty hours a week, or at least I'm not supposed to, so I decided no work for me on Monday. I'm working today, though, but it's just meetings so not too bad. I went to the dr. this morning to get some more blood taken. I am really a wuss at this sort of thing and get all dizzy and lightheaded when they've taken like a nano-ounce of blood. Well, I am anemic after all! Anyhoo, this is to see if the iron pills are working and if the mysterious infection that was in my body before has gone or not. Then I have a meeting in a bit to discuss some new international volunteers for the fall and then at 3:30 a meeting with Groundwork to discuss a joint project.

It is a beautiful day in the neighbourhood today! We might paint our fence tomorrow with the kids. Olka says ours is the shabbiest on our street. Funny how I never noticed...

Well, I better do some work before my meeting. You know, since Monday's my day off and all!

Later gators,
Sabrina :-)

Weeeeeeeeeheeeeeeeeeeee, it's Friday! I like Friday. I like Friday because it is immediately followed by Saturday. I really like Saturday. I really like Saturday because (theoretically) I don't have to work. And then there's Sunday...
You get my point.

I've no plans for the weekend other than to go to the post office (yay, rah) and maybe grocery shopping (hold on to your hats). Oh yeah and I have to go to the bank. Seriously, the fun never stops.

I'm at work downtown at the minute. I'm technically on my lunch break, so I'm technically not breaking any rules other than the technical rule that the Internet shouldn't be used for personal purposes. Technically.

I got some more details about the WorldSmart programme. I still haven't heard about the scholarship. I think a career in phone sex is on the horizon...

Until then, though, I better get back to this do gooder job I have.

Later gators,
Sabrina :-)

Okay, so the committee meeting last night was a battle indeed. Complete with shouting matches, expletives and tears, it was a spectacle for sure. And at the centre of it was me. The tears were mine as the shouting and expletives were directed my way. I have to say, though, that it was two people against me (who are married to one another) and the rest supported me, so that's good. Other than that, it was actually a productive meeting. I was very proud that the volunteers I recruited are now already in officer positions. I also recruited another committee member whose children are in the group. Strangely enough, I repeatedly woke myself up last night because I was LAUGHING in my sleep. Really bizarre. Of course, at the time of the shouting, I was tempted to tell them to take this job and shove it, but I decided I'd wait to make a big decision until I was calmer and I decided to stick with it. The kids have no idea that this sort of stuff goes on and they are happy as ever with the work I am doing with them. That is what makes me stay. I realize that I am not a person that blends in with the woodwork. I have a strong personality and I have a strong desire for social change. I will always stick to my beliefs and stick up for them, no matter who decides they want to shout and swear at me. Bring it on.

I am busily preparing for the committee meeting tonight. These meetings are like battles for me! They always give me headaches. Anywhoo, today is pay day, but since I am not in the office today, I likely won't get it until tomorrow. Wednesday is usually my day to run errands, but as I usually don't have any money left, I can't. Hmm, I'll have to sort that out or something.

I finished typing up my notes from the weekend Alternatives to Violence course and sent them off to my groupmates.

Congratulations to Jason for finishing his exams today! Woohoo! Actually, he's probably still taking them at this very moment, but by the end of today he will likely be a much happier man.

I'm now starting the process of applying for coursework for the fall. I have been accepted into the WorldSmart program, but the funding decisions have not been made yet. We shall see.

Hope all is well with everyone. I've been on this 'puter too long, I'm starting to get a headache...

Love,
Sabrina :-)

Hey, hey! Sabrina got her groove back!

I was away this weekend at a training course and low and behold, I met someone. Yep, so I hooked up with this guy on the course and I'll spare the details because my Mum reads this (HAPPY MOTHERS DAY, MOM!) but lets just say the breaks were far more entertaining! Now I'm a happier and more calm person for the time being, so that's a plus.

Although I did get into an argument in the course (which was Alternatives to Violence) on his behalf which made me realize that I did actually like him and it wasn't just a hook up.

Anyhow, it has been a long weekend and I just came straight to the office to check my email and haven't even gone home yet, so I'm off. Oh, but I did find out that I've been accepted into the WorldSmart program starting in August which goes to 19 cities in 19 weeks in three regions of the world. Six of the cities are in Japan, which is where I am especially excited to go. So a big woohoo for that!

Miss you and love you loads, Mom, have a great Mother's Day!!!

Love,
Sabrina :-)

Hello there! Well after Mr. Ronan told me that he did not want to talk to me and even changed his phone number just in case I decided to start calling him (thus getting him in trouble w/his girlfriend), he called me last night. Of course I was sleeping, though this call was earlier than most, 1:00 a.m. I made some remark about why he was calling me and he said he'll just put the phone down then, and I responded, "you already woke me up, you might as well say something!" I don't remember what we talked about or even for how long, but I do remember that he hung up on me!

I missed the singing group tonight because I took a nap that was just a bit too long! I got home from work downtown and laid down, thinking I would rest for an hour and didn't wake up until quarter to nine! D'oh!! Tomorrow afternoon we are going swimming with the kids. Should be fun. I have two adult volunteers other than myself and Olka lined up! Hey, hey, that's what I say! I was talking to one of the mums tonight and she was asking if Olka and I ever go out for a drink, and I gave her the somber truth, that no, we never. She said she'll invite us 'round and even get some Coca-cola for me! Weehee!

I am going to some peacemaker training this weekend. Actually, it starts tomorrow night and runs all weekend. Maybe then I'll know how to deal with the people on the estate who pester me.

Well, I'm still tired, so I will go back to beddie bye. Oh dear, I just remembered I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow and work at the office. D'oh! Hmmm....I'll have to give that one a think.

Later gators!

Love,
Sabrina :-)

I am feeling depressed and I'm not entirely sure why. My usual comfort methods are not working, so now I turn to the blog to sort out the clutter in my head.

First of all, it has finally hit me that I am NEVER, EVER, EVER going to be with either Jason or Ronan again. While it may have seemed like a foregone conclusion to some, I really thought that Ronan and I would get back together. Jason and I have hit our stride as mates and that seems all fine and good but when I get down, I can't help but remember that there is another woman in his life that is higher on his priority list than moi. And Ronan, well, it has finally come to pass. He has finally given up the dilly dallying on whether or not he loves me to say that he just wants to be with his 17 year old girlfriend and that's that. Okie dokie.

In other news, my college boyfriend has recently gotten engaged. I am actually quite happy for him, but I think it is still somehow playing on my psyche as it was less than a year ago that we were last together. Oh and that I was the girlfriend immediately previous to her. Dude whatever.

So what else? Oh yes, I am completely and utterly disdained with my physical appearance. It used to just be about my body, but now its everything. I think my face is gross, my hair is disgusting, my nails are scary, etc, etc. I was talking to Jason about it and he said, "you're the only one who can do something about it." This is true. Trouble is, that when I'm feeling this down about myself, I can't pluck up the courage to to barely even leave the house.

One of my bosses is pissed off at me. It really sucks having three and a half bosses, because keeping them all happy all at the same time is damn near impossible and I am far to sensitive to have one of them pissed at me all the time.

I don't feel I am doing enough work on the estate. I wonder if I will make a difference here. I have gotten threats on my life and I have no idea what I am going to do when my time here ends in September.

I feel completely irresponsible. I have not yet posted my mum's Mother's Day card for the American Mother's Day on the 9th of May. I haven't paid my bills on time. I am completely broke until I get paid on Wednesday.

Well, I guess I can see that there are some things that are troubling me. Hmm, well I suppose that's a start.

I just want to clarify that the post from the 29th of April is from a forwarded email I received, not my own words. I decided to make that clear after someone quoted one of the lines to me in response to something I had said or done. Hey, I'm not Mother Theresa, okay? I did come to live on a council estate in one of the most deprived areas in northwest England to work with young people who are often excluded from school for having behavioural problems, but for f*ck's sake, I'm human, okay?!

Now that that's out of the way...

It is a beautiful day in the neighbourhood here in Manchester. A lovely summer day. It even put me in the mood to clean! Now that is some weather! I am really looking forward to our litter picking session later this week so we can clean up the park and then maybe when it is nice like this we can have picnics and stuff there. That would be nice.

So Thursday is the last episode of Friends in America. We're a few weeks behind here in the UK. As was the case with Sex and the City, the details of the episode were published in newspapers the day after it aired in America. Today, in one of the papers, there were details of the second to last episode where Rachel is moving to Paris and she kissed Ross or something. Have Monica and Chandler gotten their baby yet?

Will & Grace is much further behind; about 18 months. It's so annoying. I actually saw these episodes when I was still in America. Ah well, c'est la vie.

I just saw this story on CNN.com about Arnold Schwarzenegger bobble-head dolls. How funny.

Here's another article about OCD and the creative process, again from CNN.com. See, normal is only what you make of it. Normal is boring.

I want to make a book of photos of red headed women. I think that would be great. I've been checking out some of the red head websites to see if anyone has done it before.

Well, now that the sun is no longer in its peak strength, this red head will go outside and hopefully not get burnt!

Hasta la vista ;-)