Surprising Strength

So, perfect example of something that I want to share, but not on facebook; today I was at my friend's house for Memorial Day. We were sitting by a fire in the backyard and this guy would not let up on me. He just kept asking if he could kiss me, whatever. I just flat out said no - repeatedly. Then he asked if I was in a relationship. I said, "Yes, I'm in a relationship with God." He didn't skip a beat and said, "Good, because I'm one of his disciples". Ha, made me laugh. Hadn't heard that one before.

Tonight we also talked briefly about my stint in Edinburgh, Scotland and how badly it went. When I explained that I was going to be living in a home for transitional young men, some were stunned, like, umm, what? But I explained it was just to help with getting to appointments, filling out forms, basically a lot of moral support as well. Then I remembered when I told Ronan (my bf at the time) what I was doing, he was none too happy about it. It had never occurred to me that would be an issue. Anyhow, that's not why it went badly, it was due to other things like not being able to get on the plane due to too much luggage, not being able to get a cab back home, getting into a car accident on the way from the airport, getting fired less than a week into my job (not because of performance, but because of the reference from my past employer that they failed to check before offering me the position and my moving to another country) and then being stuck in an unfamiliar country with no money. Yeah, that pretty much sucked.

The funny thing (or interesting, I guess) is that I didn't give up. I didn't just run back to the United States. I found another position in England, got by on the 5 pounds I had in my pocket for those few days until I could get over there and just started a new job. Unfortunately, after that position came to an end (several months later) and I did find a new one, there were just too many straws on the camel's back and when just one more thing got put on me (harsh words from someone in authority at the position I was leaving), I couldn't bear anymore and I did go back to the USA before my visa was expired. It's weird, though, how that worked out; because I had such amazing relationships with the children I worked with and am even friends with them now on facebook. But had that manager not been such a miserly, miserable hippie, I may not have gotten back in contact with Mike when I did and had that time with him before he died.  There would have always been a hole in my heart had I not been able to have that 'closure' with him. I am so thankful for that.

Sometimes we find out we are stronger than we think are. Dealing with advances from a persistent stranger, with humor even, despite the memories of being raped; Being stranded in a strange country with no money and still not going home; Losing the love of your life and then cleaning out his apartment and office and taking care of his family after his death. 

Annoyed

Remember the good old days of actually posting full paragraphs of text to share with a mostly anonymous audience? Now it's 140 characters to everyone you've ever known in your life. I don't really like that. There is so much I'd like to say, to vent, to express, but hold back because of some of the people I'm 'friends' with on various social networks. Not to say I don't like it at all, I do enjoy it, but I don't have that venue to vent like I did in the days of my blog. Or the days of my geocities page.

For example, I was in a car accident last week. Someone T-boned me and my car is likely totaled. I went to the ER and got scans and x-rays and pain medicine. I posted about it on facebook. A couple of days later I posted about the pain meds and the affect they were having on me. Several people jumped in saying I needed to stop taking those meds because they were addictive and could do damage and blah blah blah. I was like, really? I was in a car accident two days ago, I'm going to hold off on rehab for the time being. But the way facebook is set up you really only see things that get posted while you're online, so they didn't see my car crash post, but saw my pain meds post. And it was just annoying.

Speaking of annoying, my fricking car! I don't know what's going to happen with it. I think I've done all the bits for the insurance part of it. I've gone to my follow up doctor appointment and gotten more pain meds. I keep telling myself I'm glad that I'm okay, that I wasn't seriously injured, that no one was seriously injured.  But then I keep having this nagging feeling of annoyance and disbelief that this happened. That something so utterly avoidable happened because someone couldn't be bothered to pay attention or not cut through traffic, or go half a block to the light where it's safer to cross traffic. I'm annoyed that I can't afford a new car. I'm annoyed that one of my few prized possessions is now broken. Which makes two of them now, b/c my laptop is still broken. I'm just annoyed, annoyed, ANNOYED!

That being said, I am really trying to make myself see the positive in things. I still thank God every night for the blessings in my life. That I have a roof over my head, a bed to sleep in, etc. I have been able to be a servant for God by getting so many donations of brand new goods to help people in this area and in underdeveloped countries around the world. I just got another car load of stuff tonight, and a truck load yesterday. But still, because my parents don't see the value in it, it affects me. Which is where I need to work on myself. I can't change how others think of me or what I do, and I shouldn't have to. I need to not let what others think of me, or what I think they think of me, affect me so deeply. That is my biggest challenge by far. There's that graphic that's gone around the web that says something like, "Before you diagnose yourself with depression, make sure you are not, in fact, surrounded by assholes". I really like that one. Because it is so refreshing to me when I speak to someone who just lifts me up. Who values me as a person and it's so different from what I'm used to.

So, here I am, trying out the blog again. Venting to everyone or no one. I can form my thoughts and state them without having my aunt call my mom or someone I went to high school with gossiping about it to someone else I went to high school with.