25 years

Twenty-five years ago, you and I became "we". My life and the direction it took changed forever that day. "Sabrina and Mike" was born.

You were the first person I fell in love with. You shaped my idea of what I wanted and expected in a man. You seemed invincible to me. In my eyes, you were perfection. I loved that you were so tall, and I felt inferior for being so short. I loved your perfect smile and never felt that mine measured up. Your ability to draw, your athleticism, two more things that I admired and wished I could be. I actually remember one time when we were playing whiffle ball with my brothers in the alley and I was pitching to you, I got two strikes against you. I was so proud!

From that day forward, I always dreamed and planned that the rest of my days would be spent with you. I remember telling you that I wouldn't mind living in a place like your office; small with wooden paneling. You told me not to wish for something like that, because then we might end up somewhere like that, that was not so nice. I truly didn't care where we lived, as long as we were together.

And then I was raped by my ex-boyfriend. Our relationship ended because of it. I was as upset about that as I was about the attack. I couldn't imagine living life without you.

I waded through life, scarred by the assault and the loss of you. I felt like I was missing pieces of my heart.

Serendipitously, we reconnected. I was overjoyed. I finally felt whole again. I truly felt like my whole life had come full circle to lead to this moment. The fairy tale ending was in reach. My fairy tale didn't involve a castle or riches. The only thing in my fairy tale was you.

Never even if my worst nightmares did I imagine that you would be gone from this Earth in just two and half years after our reconnection.

I will probably always wish that things could have been different during your time on this Earth. I used to have  nightmares that I was trying to urge you to go to the hospital in an effort to save your life. And after you were gone and I was helping your parents did I really learn so much more about you and where you got your personality, your positive traits and your negative ones, too. I felt like I understood you so much better. I only wish I had that understanding while you were still here.

Mike drew me this picture after a horrible fight. Funny how something so touching can come from something so unpleasant.

Mike, you still have all my love. And believe me, I won't you forget you, ever. I promise.

On this day

On this day last year, I found out Jason died. I actually knew it before Facebook showed me. I've been thinking about him all day. Going through my facebook memories from past years on this day, in 2010, I posted about Jay. I didn't know then that he was already gone.

"This song reminds me of Belfast - that's when I first heard it, and my bf, Jay, told me the story behind it. We were at The Globe, I was having a rare cocktail and I was happy. Weird, considering the song..."

I remember the public display of affections we showed and how that was whole new world for me. To be in a relationship, to be respected, to be adored, not ashamed of. 

He was good to me. We had fun. I'm glad I knew him. I'm glad I loved him. 

~Don't Cry Because It's Over. Smile Because It Happened~