Bad Decisions

Yes. Yes, I do.

And it is a bad decision I've made before. I've made it a few times before. With this person specifically.

And he's so fun to make bad decisions with.

 

Lord knows I have some hella stories because of him.

And Lord knows I will need a few cocktails to help me through. My sober self will only get me so far in the bad decision making process. Self doubt, rational thought and clear headedness are no match for peach Schnapps, wine coolers and tequila.

That makes one of us, bro! ;-)

The past doesn't exist

Yesterday I posted this photo and said I was trying to live by it. Today, at therapy, my psychologist told me that the past doesn't exist anymore. When I talked about my fear of repeating mistakes I made in 2003, he said, "It's not 2003. 2003 doesn't exist anymore." He went on to explain that it is our memories that steer us, not the actual events. He touched my hand and said, "Is this the same hand you were born with?" I said that it was, but he said it wasn't. Neither was the hair on my head the same. We rejuvenate every part of us. I am not the same as I was in 2003. That person doesn't exist. The rape doesn't exist anymore. The person who was raped doesn't exist anymore. Twenty years ago is gone, it doesn't exist. Two weeks ago is gone. It's a bit much to grasp, as I am always looking back and love the idea of time travel.

That made me think of the Stephen King movie/film, The Langoliers. These creatures eat up time, so the past no longer exists. This one of the first things Ronan and I talked about during our marathon conversation, as I mentioned my trip to Bangor, Maine and he said he had a layover there before. I mentioned that Langoliers was filled at that airport, and he was surprised that I knew that and even knew of that book/film and said we must be the only two people to know that.

But that conversation no longer exists. It really doesn't. Because I thought moving to Derry was going to be the way Ronan and I were together. However, he said that he is happy with his life the way it is now and doesn't want to upset that balance. Our relationship doesn't exist anymore. It hasn't for quite a long time.

Don't Settle

Mom is home from the hospital. She is very happy to be home, and we are very happy to have her home. However, the issue that brought her there is not resolved. They can not do surgery due to the blood thinners she is on for the stents in her heart. While there, they found some other issues unrelated to her current symptoms. When her sister-in-law and I both asked what the plan was to address those issues, she got quite upset and said she didn't know and we were stressing her out. She said one thing at a time. While she was there, when they weren't sure what was wrong, I tried to get her to transfer to a hospital in the city. She wasn't interested. I've been trying to talk her into changing doctors for awhile now. Her doctor is fine, I suppose, but when she goes to his office, she only sees the nurse practitioner. The nurses have misdiagnosed her on more than one occasion and I don't understand why she settles for this treatment. I try and find other options and talk to her about getting another doctor, but this one is easy and safe. And they spend a lot of time with her, she says. What good is that if they misdiagnose you? I ask. "Yeah, I guess", is her answer.

Though I'm not far behind her with my doctor. I had an issue last week and the test came back negative, the medicine didn't work, and the doctor offered no follow up plan and I didn't push for one. So, let's see, you have pain and other symptoms, the treatment doesn't work, the test is negative, the doctor gives no alternate possibilities or plan of action, so is the problem supposed to just disappear?  Well, apparently, because that's my game plan thus far. Wait and see. I did happen to see a specialist later that week and mentioned it to her, but it apparently wasn't related to my 'specialist' issues, so she didn't address it. I have an already scheduled dr. appointment (my check up) early next month, so I've been hoping to just wait it out until then. However, given my mom's recent health issues, I'm starting to reconsider that position. I really don't like to push or make waves. So, instead, I'm settling for the treatment this one doctor doles out to me.

I got home from the casino tournament yesterday. I didn't win. Came in 44th place out of 319. Had a good time. I went to the Goodwill store out there and this guy standing near me had a ring tone of the song,"Thrift Shop". I couldn't help but laugh! I told him that was awesome.

I have a lot more I'd like to say, but not sure exactly where to begin or how to say it. But here are some things I like and others that I think are relevant right now. I will say, though, that when I say, "Don't Settle", I'm not just thinking of doctors.

Like this article that inspired the title of my blog title today.

I like this Taylor Swift song. The spoken bit at the beginning is over the top melodramatic, but the song I like.

Though this version is hilarious:


And trying to live by this: 
 

Slot Tournament

I am at a casino hotel tonight for the slots of love tournament. Alone. Forever alone lol. My mom and dad signed up for this earlier this month but since mom is in the hospital, they couldn't go. It was already paid for and no refunds so mom asked if I would like to go in her place. I called the casino and asked if it was transferable and they said yes. Bada bing bada boom, here I am. Drove about fifty miles to get here and got in right in time for dinner. My first round of slot play was a bit meh. Here's hoping tomorrow morning's round is better. I watched some craps on the casino floor tonight. Still don't know what's going on. I just know that seven is bad, which is opposite of what I thought before. Caught the last song of the band playing downstairs. Good. Lead singer was super hot lol. This room is so nice I wish I could live here. Its a suite with a king size bed. I'm sitting on the couch with my feet up on the ottoman. So comfy. The bathroom has a rain shower. I will be definitely be using that tonight because I smell like smoke so bad from the casino. I wonder if mom would've come if she would've been tempted to smoke here. I'm not going down to the pool or jacuzzi because a.) Its onthe other side of the hotel and b.) I couldn't find my swim suit. I feel like I see my bathing suit all the time but when I need it, it decides to hide from me. I think it's a conspiracy ;) I drank three peach schnapps and orange juice at dinner tonight. My face was all flushed and I may have been a bit tipsy. Definitely not drunk, though. Just put a little Colorado in my face. I am typing this out on my kindle which is kind of a pain, so I shall write more tomorrow. Nighty night.

Gallbladder

You know how you thought your biggest problem of the day was that you had to go shopping before the sales ended Saturday night but then you found out your Mom was in the hospital and you felt like a total jackass?

Mom is in the hospital again. This time it is her gallbladder. She has gallbladder 'sludge'. The doctor wants to remove her gallbladder as soon as tomorrow. However, since she is on blood thinners, they have to first consult with the cardiologist. She had two stents put in last month. She said that she is in utter disbelief that this is happening now. She said that she wishes it was really December 2012 and this year was just a dream like that time in Dallas (the TV show). She said, "I should be at home packing my overnight bag for my slot tournament tomorrow." I feel so bad. I had similar symptoms over the last week and I wish it could be me that is having this surgery instead. She's been through so much this year and with her heart issues the surgery will be so much more difficult for her. The nurse tried to ease my mind saying, "We do surgery on people on blood thinners all the time." But those other people aren't my Mom. I hope that it really is just a routine surgery.

Mom and Dad offered the slot tournament stay to me since it's already paid for. Mom wants someone to go and win some money for her! I just called the casino and the person was no help at all saying, "I work nights, I don't know. Call back in the morning." Thanks! And I thought the hardest part would be a.) Going away while Mom's sick and b.) finding someone to go with me. Apparently it is c.) dealing with clueless staff.

No, it's really still a.) :-(

Endocrine

Saw endocrinologist today. Doubling my vitamin D dose. She also said that when I become pregnant, I will have to take insulin shots instead of pills. She said that I should actually start that when I decide I want to become pregnant and not wait until afterwards. That was surprising, no one told me that before. Checked out some other things, go back for blood work in three months and follow up. She was actually prepared for our meeting and had notes about my case already prepared. My primary care physician walks in not knowing my name and can't treat me until she reads my computer file.

I am just so blah today. I'm started to doubt my decision about Ronan. Maybe we made the wrong decision. I don't know. Then I have these feelings of self doubt and loathing and think that if we did meet up again he wouldn't like me because a.) that happened when I lived in Manchester and b.) I feel disgusting. Then I also think if I tell him that I want to try and be together he will either disagree or not respond at all which will be heart breaking for me. Don't want to make the same mistakes over and over again which is why I left it to him. If he changed his mind, then he could come out here.

But when the doctor brought up pregnancy today I realized that the only person I could imagine getting married and having kids with is Ronan. Maybe that just means I have to find someone else. That I just haven't met the right person yet. Probably. But I'm such a sentimental fool! Gah.

Tired. I was ready for bed before 7 pm. Now it's an acceptable hour to go to bed so sleep, here I come.

Snow & Balance

It's snowing.  It started about 9:30 tonight while I was in Target doing another round of Valentine clearance shopping. I was unsure whether to stay in for awhile and give the plows time to clear or if I should get going before it got worse. I decided to forge ahead and made it home fine. Only spun a little when starting at a green light once. D'oh.

Today while walking through Target, I saw some of the children's clothes and thought, "That's not appropriate." It made me think that I am going to be the most over protective mother ever. And that scares me. I don't want my children to live in fear or be ridiculed or be otherwise negatively affected by my overbearing ways. But I, of course, don't want them to be negatively affected in any way, which is why I would be overbearing. Have to find a happy medium. Hopefully my husband (whoever that may be) will provide some balance. 

Adam and Emma didn't come visit today because Emma has been sick. Poor baby girl. I got her the cutest Hello Kitty skirts for her birthday, though (90% off at Target, of course). I can hardly wait for her to try them on. We'll see if I'll be able to wait until April to give them to her. I'm not great with waiting to give presents, I like to give them right away!

Presents: made me think of the blog post when Ronan came to visit and brought me flowers and a present. It doesn't take much to remind me.  Driving myself insane in the membrane! I have to find someone else to get my mind off of this. I'm going to lift the moratorium on friends setting me up, methinks. I'm so done-zo with obsessing over it. Can't I just have a normal relationship? Where's the balance there? It's, "Let me move to a different country for the love of my life" not, "Let's go out to a movie on Friday." Of course, the feeling of the love of your life is so much stronger and tips all the scales.

My x-ray came back normal. Which is good, I guess. However, it doesn't give any answers. I'll be at a specialist tomorrow, though, so maybe I'll get some insight then.

Here's a video for my current favorite song. Some of my fave lyrics, "I belong with you, you belong with me. You're my sweetheart."
 

First World Problems

I am shopped out! Yet, I'll probably still go out again tomorrow. Hey, it's the last day of Target Valentine clearance, can't miss that ;-)

In the midst of my shopping, I had to take a detour to my doctor's office. She sent me to get an x-ray. Since when do you have to get naked for an x-ray is what I want to know. Anyhow, changed into hospital gown, lied down, bada bing, bada boom. Done. We'll see if that shows anything. Then I was back on my adventure.

The shopping page is taking a lot of time. I really need to make it a proper blog and monetize it.

Something I didn't mention yesterday was that the night before I had these amazing dreams where I was in love with a man who would, "move mountains", to be with me. It was so awesome and made me feel good all day. I had such a great day yesterday. It was the first time since my Ronan conversation that I didn't think of him. Then today...I was at Target and a security officer was also looking at the Valentine stuff and we chit chatted and all I could think of was Ronan! Mother trucker. (Ronan is a security officer now). So then I start noticing other security officers throughout the store and I think of him more. And I'm cursing myself, "Damnit!" One day I went without obsessing over this. One frigging day. And it wasn't that I wasn't busy. I was super busy today, but still something reminded me of him. C'est la vie. Keep calm and carry on, right?

I got lots of cute stuff for the Easter baskets and for Operation Christmas Child. Great to be able to bless others while having fun doing it.

I still haven't drank pop. I decided to give it up for lent and hopefully that will break my habit. I switched to diet pop years ago but now there is so much info about how bad even diet pop is for you that I'm trying to quite that, too. It's just that I need to find other stuff to drink besides water. I know, first world problems, right? "Whatever shall I drink in the sea of hundreds of choices that I can get at any grocery store at any time of day?"

"Oh, I have to take a break from shopping to go see a doctor for a procedure." Lucky to be able to see a doctor, have a procedure, much less fit it in between errands. And shopping, well, that speaks for itself.

"Oh, I can't stop thinking of my ex who is safe and healthy living his own life."

Yeah, suck it up, sistah! Does that count as a self-pep talk? ;-)

Shopping for a cause

Whew, had a blast today! Went to Target with my friend, Lisa, to try and snag up some clearance toys for the Easter basket project next month. It wasn't 90% off yet like I had hoped, but we did get a few things and I'm going to head there in the morning and hope it will be 90% off then.

Then we went to the casino for a free buffet that I had. I placed my free $30 bet, too, and won! Yay! Gas money for tomorrow's adventures. Then I found out they serve mimosas at the bar there. Yep. Awesome.

I just spent a couple of hours on my shopping page putting together all of the Valentine's clearance deals and it is now past my bedtime. After my shopping trip, I have to go back to the dr. (groan) because I'm having some pain. This is in addition to my specialist appointments on Friday. I'm just thankful I can go, right? Got to look on the bright side ;-)

Later gators!

Nuts in my hair

A few days ago, I got this candy apple from the sandwich shop at the casino. I didn't pick out the specific one, just ordered a, "Caramel apple", and didn't think much of it. I got it home and saw it was like the most super duper covered apple I'd ever seen. I wondered if there was really apple in there. In addition to the regular caramel and nuts, there was some swirl stuff and pecans and then dipped in chocolate with more pecans. The chocolate was about 1/2 inch thick.

Tonight I decided I'd finally try and tame the candy apple beast.

First of all, I could not get it in my mouth (that's what she said). I mean, I couldn't get a bite in anywhere. The chocolate was way too thick and the pecans, too. It wasn't just a pecan here and there, it was solid pecans and chocolate. So, I try and get a bite towards the bottom of the apple. That's when the stick broke.

I realized there was no way I was going to be able to make it through the chocolate pecan mountain top, so I get a knife. Shit just got real. I start cutting off the chocolate pecan top to see if I can maybe find some apple down there. The stick is useless now, so I'm holding the actual apple cutting chunks off and taking a bite where I think I can fit it in my mouth.

Needless to say, I made a pretty big mess. The chocolate is now melting in my hands (since I'm holding the apple). I get it all over the knife, the table, my soy milk mug (I mean, I'm not going to eat chocolate without my soy milk).  I again try biting the bottom of the apple. I cut more and more chocolate and pecans off. They start to fall on the floor and the dogs go for them. D'oh. No dogs, not for you! Chocolate is bad. They're staring at me, begging. Licorice starts jumping up on me. I just sighed and knew that I had to accept defeat.

So, I clean up my mess, wash the knife and mug and my hands and think I'm all done. Later, I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror and I have nuts in my hair! How in the hell did that happen?

I couldn't get it in my mouth and I got nuts in my hair. 

I think I much prefer the Affy Tapples.

Masochism

Masochism...I haz it.

I was just going through my old facebook messages and found the ones from Ronan deleted and blocked me as a friend. The mean messages are now freshest in my mind since I haven't spoken to him since last week. Gah, why did I read that? Masochist, I am.

When I check my email, I secretly hope that he has messaged me and that he still feels the same as he did last week during our phone conversation. Each time, though, no message. So, I was pasting in my old geocities blogs into blogger and there were these blogs about how Ronan would say he wanted to get back together and then not want to, disappear, etc. So I thought, "Well, was this time really any different?" Sure, we both made the decision that it just could not work like this. But, then I read a 2005 entry that mentioned Ronan and I were together, though living in different countries and I had lost my job. I let him know that I could now come be with him and we could be together since I didn't have anything holding me here and I never heard from him. Now, really this all just a moot point because Ronan and I aren't together. However, it makes me doubt the veracity of this recent phone conversation and declarations. Here I was thinking how bad it sucks that two people who love each other can't be together because they live in different countries. More so when they don't have money to fly back and forth or support the other in the country (because of work permit issues).

*Sigh*  But then I don't want to air these feelings for fear that it IS different and Ronan will read this and be put off that I have these doubts. One of the main differences between then and now is age. We were in our twenties then. Ronan in his early twenties at that. Being in your thirties is a whole new ballgame when it comes to emotional maturity.

Again, it is a moot point because we are not together. But the idea was that maybe, just maybe, if the stars aligned and we found ourselves able to make it work (i.e., be in the same country) then we would be together again. I guess what I'm afraid of is those stars aligning (i.e., me going to school in the UK) and me being left out in the cold.

But the most masochistic thing that I do is think too much! I'm tired of thinking and analyzing and wondering. That's one of the reasons why I told him that I can't do it like this. I need him to get out here and show me that he loves me. Because of all the mind changes, the disappearing acts, the time left wondering, I can't do that anymore. It just has to be no doubt in mind that this person loves me and will move mountains for me/to be with me. That's really all there is to it. So, why, then, do I keep getting that anxiety when checking my email? Check the landline phone to see if he's called? Search google to see how easy it is to find my address? Masochism. Pure and simple. As I've said, I've laid my cards on the table. If he wants me, he knows what to do. No amount of thinking and analyzing on my part is going to help that. I was honest and clear. But now I feel like I'm waiting for something that's not going to happen. And I know it's not going to happen because we said it! I am wishing and hoping for something is virtually impossible. Masochism.

Well, it's not impossible. People in different countries fall in love. People find a way. People save money. People move mountains for love.

They've just never moved them for me.

If you want to make God laugh...

Tell Him your plans.

So, I just wrote about all my plans to go to law school in the UK and the next day, I get a second interview for a teaching fellowship here in the US. I just thought that was kind of funny. I'm happy to have the opportunity, for sure, but my timing is often questionable.

I'm still going to apply for the LLB degree program in the UK and fill out the financial paperwork. I'm still going to go to this interview and see where that leads me. Neither one is guaranteed, but hopefully, one of them will work out.

This reminds me a lot of 2003, when I applied for the position in Belfast and another position in Chicago. I got both positions and decided on Belfast. I was a bit nervous because of my perception of Northern Ireland (the troubles), but I plunged ahead. It was one of the best decisions of my life. Being in Belfast really changed me. Unfortunately, being back in the US for this long has taken some of those changes away (the US breeds fear), but it was still a great experience. And I know there is another way I can live that doesn't involve constant fear, that is more laid back, that can roll with the punches.

While I am doing better and making plans and taking the steps to get to where I want to be, I still have some major down time. I still get discouraged and want to curl up in a ball. I wish there was someone to help me through all these processes. I'm always the one who will help others with resources and paperwork and red tape. I want someone to help me, now! At times it can seem daunting. But then, you think, "It's really just paperwork." So you fill out each form along the way, do some internet research, send emails and one day you're living your dream. Little by little, right? Because if you live your life all or nothing, you usually end up with a whole lot of nothing.

But now, about my day: Jenn texted and said she is going to the Grand Canyon in April, so I will be cat sitting for them again. So excited! I love cat sitting in the city. She had said they might not go because of the cost and I reminded her she could use miles for rental cars, too and so they're using their miles. Woohoo! Yeah, you'd think I was going or something. I just wanted them to go so I could have their condo for the week.

I dropped off eight boxes of cat food to Sandy's house for her cat, Louie. I got them free with a coupon tonight and dropped them off right away. Sandy called and said Louie hasn't stepped away from his bowl for several minutes. He's been eating people food, I guess. She said he's been out of cat food for quite some time. I'm going to see if I can scrounge up some more coupons to get more cat food for Louie.  Meow!

Oh, and the interview for the US position is in Indianapolis, about three 1/2 hours away. Jana said I could stay the night at her place, which is great. I messaged her on facebook tonight and found out that in addition to her husband and infant son, her mother, sister, and sister's two kids are living with her as well. Now, that's a full house. I asked if it would be too crowded, but she insisted it wouldn't be. I'm hoping to hitch a ride with a trucker from my old temp job who said that he drives to Indy every day. My hooptie isn't reliable enough for that journey. Of course, then I wouldn't have a car while in Indy, but we'll see what happens.

Lastly, I have watched this video about ten times today. It's a different variation of the cats playing pattycake video. This one is in French. Cracks me up.

Awakened Passion

So this thing with Ronan kind of woke me up inside. Not just in terms of feelings for him, or romantic feelings in general, but for my life. I've been stagnant for quite some time now and just can't seem to get any traction. Mind you, I still don't have any traction, but I have a renewed desire to do what I always wanted to do: Go back to the UK.

As you may know, I have frequent, vivid dreams. One of my recurring dreams is about going back to school. I'm in high school, but I'm my age and everyone I went to school with is there, too. When something goes wrong, like there's a test I haven't studied for, or a class I've missed, I think, "It's okay, I actually already graduated from high school. In fact, I've graduated from college and have a bachelor's degree." Then I realize that I've been going to school for fun. I just had some free time in the day and thought I'd brush up on my knowledge and so I enrolled in school.

Early last week, I was in a resale shop and picked up a book on interpreting dreams. I flipped to a page that said that often your dreams actually provide you for the tailor made solution to any problem you're having. Your subconscious already knows the answer, you just have to listen and understand it.

Later that week, I have this 'awakening' discussion with Ronan (who I'm not with, in case you missed my earlier post) and after we get off the phone,  I sit at my computer and it hits me! A solution.

I've wanted to go to law school forever. Well, since I was five. I had looked at going to law school in the UK, but then applied for a postgraduate degree program. I was accepted, but funding was an issue. Apparently, you don't get as much funding for a post-bachelor's degree.

In the UK, a law degree is a bachelor's degree. I could use my law degree in the US in the state of New York. After five years, I could then practice elsewhere in the US.

I started my financial aid forms and need to do my taxes to finish, but I'm getting excited. It all seemed a bit like a pipe dream until I talked to Jenn about it, who encouraged me to do it. I guess it may still be a bit of a pipe dream, but if I do nothing, I will get nothing! I'll fill out the forms, research my options and see what comes of it.

It still makes me nervous as hell to think about it, mainly because there is some stuff I need to work on myself before I feel comfortable beginning a big, new journey. I still have anxiety. I still have depression. I'm still overweight. But that doesn't mean that I can't live life, right? I remember when I was going to Paris, I thought, "I can't go to Paris fat!" I shake my head at that now, but really, I'm thinking the same thing now. "I can't do this because x, y, z." One thing I learned in Paris, my first international trip, was that I am still the same regardless of my location. I guess that's kind of the point, though, of needing to work on me before I go. I don't expect that going away (again) will change anything. I need to do that on my own. In my own head. My own heart.

And back to Ronan, I haven't talked to him since our marathon phone conversation where we decided to leave things be. While I hope that being in the same country would allow us to be together, it's not the only reason I'm going. You may have noticed I mentioned working in the US after the degree. There is a "backup plan." Although it's really not a backup plan, it's THE plan. As I told Jenn, if Ronan said, "Fuck you", the first day I arrived, it wouldn't change anything. And because nothing concrete has been done about this yet, I haven't told him. We left things where they are (nowhere) for a reason. To disrupt that because of a possibility of being in the same country at some point in the future doesn't seem prudent. Of course, neither was emailing him today to tell him happy birthday. Damn it. Okay, let me get back to strong, confident Sabrina that has a plan and a dream that preceded Ronan. And I even have the proof because I blogged about it way back when. Another advantage of a blog. Or maybe typing this hoping that Ronan will come across it and know that there may be hope for a future. Damn it to hell. That was not strong and confident. Oh well, if there's any truth to this image about life being an echo, than perhaps hope, love and vulnerability will come back my way.

Valentine's Day

So, the most romantic Valentine's Day I ever had was when I was in first grade. My "boyfriend's" father came to my apartment before school (dressed in his suit on his way to work) and dropped off a hand drawn card from a "secret admirer." The card had a drawing of Michael Jackson to give me a clue to who it was from (the boy's name was Michael). It was a big card, too. Sadly, I don't still have it. And more sadly, my most romantic Vday was when I was 6 years old!

I've had romantic Sweetest Days, but not really a notable Valentine's Day. I think when I was in middle school someone sent me a flower. But it was someone I didn't know very well at the time and I was more confused than heart struck.  Oh and in high school or college this guy gave me a flower, but then I found it he gave it to someone else first and they gave it back to him. How's that for romance?

Yep, I definitely can't tell any romantic Valentine stories. But Sweetest Day, it's on! Well, probably not, but it was on.

Gambling and Gluttony

Lent is off to a questionable start. First day of lent and I went out gambling and eating until I was stuffed. And I brought my little brother with me for the sinning. Not a great start. But then again, I'm not Catholic. And he works there.

Adam and I went to the buffet because I had a couple of free buffet coupons. It wasn't the best service I've ever had there. In fact, I think it was the worst, but it was free. They had sections closed off so we were all packed in like sardines. Our drink orders didn't come until after we already had our food, they were out of fries (my favorite) and no creme brulee. After gorging on whatever vegetarian stuff they had, we went to go place my free bet. The casino sent me a voucher for a free $30 bet. Last time they sent me $60, I guess to reel me in. Since I bit, now I'm down to $30. I don't like the way this pattern is going. But I won my free $30 bet, so I made $30. Then I hightailed it out of there.That's gas money, mofo!

I have been thinking about giving up something for lent. Pop. I switched to diet pop a few years back when I first had high blood sugar. However, apparently even that is bad for you. It really makes me feel like I have very few options, especially when dining out. But usually tea will do the trick. Of course, if I get unsweetened and use Splenda or Equal, those are bad, too, but I can only tackle one issue at a time here.

Funny, I remember when I was in first grade, the teacher had us all say New Year's Resolutions aloud in class. Everyone was like, "I want to get better grades".  I said I wanted to stop drinking so much pop. She thought that was funny. What's funny is that it's 30 years later and it's still my resolution!

I don't know if that's so much funny as it is sad. I'll stick by funny. :/

Today

Today - Mardi Gras, Pancake Day, Paczki Day, day before lent - was uneventful for me. I didn't even eat a paczki (or a pancake for that matter). I slept late, did some shopping, played on the computer, oh and checked my email about twenty-five times wondering if Ronan would email me and say that he just booked a flight to Chicago because he had to see me and we'll figure something out.

But you know, other than that. Just an ordinary day.

I talked to Jon last night about the whole Ronan thing to kind of air it out. Regardless of what may or may not happen between Ronan and I, at the end I thought, "It's nice to know that someone out there loves you." And at that moment, I realized that I have been thinking, in my subconscious, for quite awhile now that I am unlovable. I remember all the mean things anyone has ever said and internalize it. I remember the mean things someone has done and think that I must be really unlovable for someone to do those things. I think of all my faults; my inability to cook, my messiness, my asthma, my weight, my sensitivity, my crabbiness and think, "Who would want to be with me?"

That is hard for me to admit, but, hell, it is harder to think that! Now I can see that isn't true. I see that my way of thinking was wrong. And for a couple of days, I felt better about myself. I felt like I could get back to the business of being me, who I want to be. And then I read my old blogs. I read about the horrible things Ronan had done in the past. I saw the patterns of declarations of love and running and hiding. Suddenly, I didn't feel so special. I didn't feel so loved. Those old insecure "unlovable" feelings came surging back. Am I not worth a plane ticket? Or a two hour drive (which happened with Jonathan as well). Or flowers. Or an email.

But rationally speaking, I know that I am worth it. I know that one day there will be someone who will love me so much that nothing will keep us apart. I know that I will feel safe and secure and never doubt his feelings. I know that there will be someone who would drive twelve hours to pick me up or to see me (like my dad did for mom). I know that someone can give me the unconditional love that I give. I know it. Now I just need to believe it.

Long Distance Relationship

Long distance relationship - not just the distance in miles, but the distance from the relationship. I spoke to Ronan last week and it has been months since we've even emailed, but years since we've seen each other. After six hours on the phone, we talk about being in love, again. Or never having stopped loving. Is it practical, though, to uproot your life, get engaged/married, to be with someone you haven't been in a relationship with or even seen for eight years?  We decided that, no, it was not practical. The distance was just too great. Long distance relationships don't work; the literal ones or the proverbial ones. 

Below are some facebook posts on the subject. 

Sabrina: Am I just a sentimental fool? Why, oh why did I just spend six hours on the phone with an ex who lives in another country? Thank God for internet phone.

Jonathan: Yes.

Sabrina: So, in case you saw my status the other day about the ex in another country. I guess I should follow it up by saying we ended the conversation by deciding that there's no way it could work with us living in different countries and since we have such strong feelings, we're not going to talk anymore. So, yeah. No insane-ness. Just a looooong conversation and a sensible decision. For those who don't know, he is a native of Northern Ireland and we dated while I was living there.

Brandy: Time to move.
Sabrina: I would in a heartbeat, but I can't work there without a work permit and can't get that unless we're married, and even then it's a pain to get. It would be easier if it was the same amount of miles but in the same country.
Sabrina: And we talked about getting married but to do so right this second would be insane because we haven't seen each other in years.
Brandy: You're right.. but I wouldn't end it on that note.. you never know what life has planned for you.. always keep a open mind.. never ban yourself from someone.. theres a will theres a way.. maybe not now.. or this year.. but someday.
Sabrina: Yeah, that's actually how we did leave it; that maybe the universe will lead us back. And I have started thinking about doing my law degree over there. I had actually been accepted to school there for a master's degree (years ago), but the financial aid wasn't what I thought it would be and I couldn't afford it. If I had lots of money, this might be a bit easier! But a law degree is an undergraduate degree there and that might make a difference in funding. So, we'll see what the universe has in store... 
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But then, shortly after I got off the phone with Ronan, after deciding there was just no way it could work, I got an email from someone and this was their signature:

"If you really want to do something, You'll find a way. If you don't, You'll find an excuse." - Jim Rohn


But THEN, after I hit publish on this blog, there was a blog draft at the top of the screen from long ago. Back in 2004. I never published it;
"I am trying to occupy myself to keep my mind off the fact that I am waiting for Ronan to call. I spoke to him yesterday and he said he would be coming to Belfast today. It is now quarter to 7 and I have not heard from him nor have I been able to get a hold of him. Part of me is worried that something is wrong - like a family emergency or something. Part of me is scared he is avoiding me. Part of me thinks he'll phone any minute now and say he's on his way. I am becoming more convinced that he will break my heart again. It makes me mad, too, b/c it was his idea to get back together, and I wasn't sure....as soon as I embraced the idea with my whole heart, he was gone. This is a bona fide pattern now and I'm so sick of it."

To be fair, in our six hour phone conversation, we discussed some of the things done back then and he apologized and seemed to genuinely realize that they were wrong. He said that I didn't deserve to be treated that way. No matter what happens going forward, that was definitely nice (and healing) to hear. But, as I also said in that conversation, I will not settle for something that isn't real and I will not be the one to take the step out, so to speak. If you want to be with me, come to me. Show up on my doorstep and whisk me off my feet. Be the romantic love story that I deserve. Not to be materialistic, but so that I can see your love. Having been through some of things we've been through (as noted above), I need that to know that this is different. That those things were really just the actions of a kid in his early twenties. That now this man in his thirties knows better. That this man will go the distance for me. That this man loves me.

So, I set the bar. I laid my cards on the table. Why? Sure I could get hurt again. Sure it hurts now to have things like this. But we could also end up with everything we dreamed of. One day.