Wednesday, March 10, 2010

Three years later


Tomorrow marks the three year anniversary of Mike's death. The feel of the weather outside brings me right me back to it - it's nice, mild, 50 - 60 degrees. The same air that was present when I stood outside crying, trying to come to grips with what had happened. It is said that the olfactory sense (smell) is the strongest tie to memory - I guess the weather makes the air smell and feel a certain way that can bring you right back.

It feels sort of wrong, that while I type such a serious note, I'm playing FarmVille in another window on facebook, but I suppose that's what time does - gets us a little farther away from the seriousness of something so life changing.

And facebook - not something I would have ever imagined myself having three years ago. I only had a myspace with one picture on it to view my friend's wedding pictures. It was when a friend of Mike's dad asked me to contact her on myspace with details for donating that I even started using the site. And I think facebook wasn't open to the 'public' yet - when I did sign up, I used my university email address (where I was working at the time).

But the donations - the sorrow of not having money to pay for the funeral, the drama over having his body in the morgue for so long, the heartache of cleaning out his apartment - that is certainly in the past. I learned so much from going through that. I am also proud of myself for being able to take care of the things I did. If someone were to tell me that I would have been doing those things the same day I learned of Mike's death, I wouldn't have believed them. I would have thought that I wouldn't have been able to function - perhaps I would be locked in a psych ward somewhere. But the saying is true; you never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have. Maybe I would've lost it if the funeral was already taken care of by someone else, if Mike wasn't still laying in the morgue - but that FORCED me to take action because I had to do it for him.

All this talk of being strong and lessons learned sounds like a well balanced, put together, person - which I am not. I still miss him horribly. I still cry sometimes. I am still struggling to get to the next step in my life. But, I am still here.

I have moved his things from his place to my place, and then to my new home. I have put most of it in those clean looking plastic storage bins and divided a lot of it up between his parents, Jenn and his friends. But, I still have so many of his things to go through. I still work on it little by little. I can't just give it all away, or tackle it all at once. I really do feel like one of those old ladies who keeps her husband's clothes for years after he's gone. Something I never really understood - but, I do now.

If you believe in reincarnation, the idea is that you keep learning and growing in each life. Even if you don't believe in that, but believe in say, karma, you believe that an experience can be caused by another experience. Some of the things that I have actively thought about and not understood (like the widow and the clothes) I have come to have personal experience with, which has MADE me empathize. I try to empathize with most things/people, but for those which I lack the empathy, I am doomed/blessed to experience for myself - to learn/grow.

As I get more into this note, I click over to Facebook less and less. The seriousness of the issue and poignancy does still affect me - maybe just in a different way.

I am trying to make the most of this life - I still struggle, but I try. At a reflection point like this, perhaps it is now time to try harder.

I love you and miss you every day, Mike!