Recurring dream

I have this dream where I am at a set of elevators and I can't get to the one that is going the direction I want to go before the doors close. Like in a lobby of a big building where there are several elevators. Sometimes I'll get in one, but the floor I want is not one of the choices. Last night the dream got a little more promising (I think) when others tried to hold the elevator door open for me. The doors were very strong, though, and I told them, "Just leave it be", because they were trying so hard and even then, strong men couldn't hold it open. I finally got into an elevator with a child, and the elevator was missing one of the walls. Actually, it was missing the door, so we could see where we going. I think it had a blanket up but it didn't cover it completely.  So, I looked it up and here is what I found.

Door

To dream that you are entering through a door indicates fresh opportunities that you will encounter. You are moving into a new chapter in your life and to a different level of consciousness. A door that opens to the outside represents your desire to be available to others more. A door that opens inward suggests your wish to have self-realization or internal discovery.

To dream about opened doors represents your ability to take on new thoughts and ways of doing things. To see light behind the door indicates that you are on the path to better spiritual faith.

To dream about locked doors indicates that you have either been denied chances or that you have missed them. If you are on the outside of a locked door, then you may possess some characteristics that others would call anti-social. If you are on the inside of a locked door, then you must accept the knowledge of a difficult lesson.

To dream that you are locking doors indicates that you are shutting yourself off from others. You have difficulty letting people get to know you and this is significant of a halt in development or maturity.

To dream of revolving doors indicates that your life is simply moving in circles and nothing is moving you forward. You could be sensing that your choices are going nowhere.

Elevator

To dream that you are ascending in an elevator indicates that you will have a rapid ascent to prosperity. You could be reaching a higher plane of understanding and are viewing the world from this elevation. If you are going down in an elevator, then bad luck will fall upon you. The movement in this dream can be indicative of the natural ebb and flow of life within your subconsciousness.

To dream that the elevator is out of order, or that you are stuck in it, suggests that your feelings are getting the best of you.

From http://www.dreamforth.com/search.php?query=elevator+door&type=dreams&page=1

Friends

Lately, I've been thinking; what does it really mean to be a friend? Specifically, why do we remain or become friends with someone? Since the prevalence of facebook, I've reconnected with a lot of people from my past. Some from as long ago as kindergarten, others from college or my last temp assignment. This, mixed in with the friendships I've had for ages, has made me see how different they are. I mean, not in the friend versus acquaintance sense, but I've remembered parts of me I forgot existed.

There's been a lot of talk about marriages/relationships ending because of people reconnecting with old flames on the internet. I think that reflection of a past self is the main reason why that happens. You remember the younger, more vibrant you; before the responsibilities of adulthood, parenthood, work, home owner, etc. Yes, that's part of it. Reliving your glory days. But for me, expanding my friend base has made me notice something else. There are people who actually value my opinion and like to spend time with me. A simple concept, to be sure, but for my friends lately, I've been feeling pretty lonely and just like I'm not on the same wavelength. Whether it's because they have kids and have a different lifestyle, or they just tolerate me and don't seek me out, or in one case, because they see me as damaged.

One friend of mine I've known since we were very young. I was a different person then. More different than most people are from their younger selves. I was always in love, always involved in some major activity, always concerned with my appearance, liked trying new things with clothes and hair, ahead of the curve when it came to puberty and all that goes with it. She is now much more like that than I ever was (even some part of the puberty ;-) and I am not like that all. After being attacked in my late teen years, my demeanor, behavior and overall outlook changed drastically. I was just reading about the rower, Jenn Gibbons, who was sexually assaulted on her boat while attempting to row the perimeter of Lake Michigan, and how she is still continuing on her journey. She made some further precautions for safety and blogs about the struggles she is facing, but I just can't imagine. I remember the day after it happened to me, I was supposed to do a fundraiser for the Humane Society. My mom called and said I was sick. The day after that, I had an aerobics class. I wondered if I should go. I don't feel like doing aerobics, but there's no reason I can't. I just didn't know what to do and what I should do immediately following the attack. However, I was changed. As time progressed, I dealt with flashbacks and other symptoms of PTSD. I burst into tears for no reason at all, I didn't smile, even when practicing my dance routine with the squad and it was required - I was completed stone faced; tight lipped, glazed eyes, no emotion showing, always, always thinking of what happened to me. Instead of being always in love, I was always scared. I was afraid to go to parties, afraid to talk to boys, afraid to wear the fun clothes I once loved. I opted to stay at home, stay in for lunch, wear my Dad's shirts. One of the most visible things that changed about me was my weight. I gained a tremendous amount of weight after the attack, which is something I still struggle with.

All of these things lasted for quite awhile, and some things, like weight and a quick startle response, are things I still deal with every day. But, I'm in a much better place than I was. The trouble is, I feel like this friend still sees me as the broken girl who needs to 'get over it' and 'move on with her life'.  Partly due to the fact that she has at one point or another said both of things to me. She hasn't recently, at least not about the attack. About Mike dying, is another issue. I actually thought that I handled that death (of the person who I was always in love with as a teen, and then lost due to the rape, only to reconnect as adults) pretty well.  Given our history and my emotions, I have a feeling many expected me to end up far worse off than I was. However, it wasn't enough for this friend, who after just three months told me I needed to move on. We didn't talk for awhile after that.

The bottom line is, she still sees me as broken. It's such a different experience when I'm around others who have known me both then and now and don't see that, at least, I don't feel like they do. And you know what, she's not the only one that has made me feel this way. So I go back to, what makes a friend? Is it the person who will help you come change a flat tire or rescue you when you're stranded? Is it the one you have great conversations with? Is it the one you can go places with? It's a little of all these, I think, but what makes a person NOT be a friend? Is it catching them in a small lie? Is it having different perspectives on the world/life? Is it not agreeing with their life decisions? And this isn't just about that one friend, she is merely an example. When one of my Christian friends found out that one of my best friends was Muslim, I never saw her again. When one of my friends gave away her animals, I avoided her. I mean, it was a lot easier on facebook when one of my friends (from a genealogy site) posted about raising and killing a pig, I instantly de-friended her. When my friend my school posted a pic of his pig roast, I couldn't just de-friend him. So where do you draw the line? What is acceptable? Maybe like the aforementioned friend, you just have to have 'breaks' from people (she is famous for that) b/c all the differences and idiosyncrasies get to be too much. A little time away and the image of the dead pig is overshadowed by the memories of dancing in the rain in college. 

Birthday

Tomorrow I will be older. Yes, we will all be older tomorrow, God willing, but tomorrow I will have to start saying a different number when asked my age. All I can say is, I don't feel my age.

Thirty-fricking-five.

O.M.G.

As I look back on various milestones, the one that stands out the most to me is that it has been 11 1/2 years since I graduated college. I could've had various PhDs by now! Yet, I'm still living the life of a vagabond or pauper. Not that I measure life by material things; well, maybe a little. But mostly like where I live, what I'm doing professionally (or not), who I'm dating/married to (or not), kids, etc. Idk, definitely not where I thought I'd be for sure.

But I knew that a long time ago; that my course had changed. Not just when Mike died, not just when leaving the UK. Not really even when I was raped. It really changed course my last semester of college when I was diagnosed with clinical depression. It wasn't the diagnosis, per se, it was the onset of the disease. And now, it's the management of it.

That's what I feel, when I'm honest with myself. However, I know I am lucky. Just this weekend someone who was the exact same age as me, had the same medical issue I did (not depression), went to the same school, lived in the same town, and whose parent worked at the same place my parent does, died.

I am lucky to be alive, be relatively healthy, have a place to live, have all of my basic needs met. But am I living my life to the fullest? I know that I give all of myself freely to those I love. That I know. But in terms of work, travel, study - I could do more. I would like to do more.

After all, isn't this the real mid-life? I mean, not many people live to be 100.

But maybe I will. God willing. But for now, I'll focus on 35.

Cat sitting, Chicago edition

I will again be cat sitting on the north side for most of the month of July. Woohoo! Maybe with a clear head I'll be able to finally blog about my trip to Maine. Who knows.

But one of these cats is a bit needy. She's a Sphynx and has to get weekly baths and teeth brushings and ear cleanings. She likes to sit on my shoulder like a parrot. Then she chews my hair.

The other kitty is a cuddler, and I just have to brush her every now and again. I'm excited, but I need to pack!

Pictures to come.

Save Lennox

My email to Save Lennox;

To Whom it May Concern;

I had the pleasure of living in Belfast whilst a volunteer at Quaker
Cottage on Black Mountain. As I'm sure you are aware, Quaker Cottage is a cross community family center, working with both Catholic and Protestant families to bridge the gap between the two sides while helping the individuals and families get back on their feet. While working with the Quakers I learned a lot about the troubles Northern Ireland has faced and the long road back it is still facing.

I have always carried great memories of Belfast and even planned on
going to graduate school there. Then I heard about Lennox. The dog
slated to be killed on Monday. I find it so hard to believe that the
city I came to love would do something so cruel. From what I
understand, there are now offers to take Lennox out of Northern
Ireland thereby allowing the dog to live outside of the country that
deems him undesirable. I urge you to please accept these offers. Not
just for this one dog or this one family, but for the good of Belfast
and for Northern Ireland. The image of Northern Ireland is still being
repaired after "the troubles" and now people are boycotting it due to
this issue. This is not good for the country or its economic recovery.
I've seen first hand the views people have about Northern Ireland,
especially in the USA, and just as it was starting to wane, this
negative attention has brought it all back.

I beg of you, continue working towards the peace and stability you
have come so far towards. Save Lennox's life.

Thank you for your time,
Sabrina

http://www.change.org/petitions/belfast-city-council-let-lennox-go-home-to-his-family-or-let-him-come-live-in-the-united-states

Change.org|Free Online Petitions

Anxiety Dreams and Anxiety Reality

Bald
To dream that you are going bald suggests a lack of self-esteem or worries about getting older. Alternatively, baldness symbolizes humility, purity, and personal sacrifice. You are at a stage in your life where you are confident in fully exposing yourself.

From dreammoods.com

Yep, lack of self esteem - check. Worries about getting older - check. 

I was looking forward to this road trip my friend and I were going to take. I was going to use my frequent flier miles to pay for the rental car. I logged in today to book it and my miles expired! Well, apparently they didn't expire, per se, they now count towards my million miles goal, so I can use them once I reach a million miles. Um, yeah. So annoyed. 

I did log on to do some transcription work tonight so that's good. There are no shops really available, so I need to get back into transcribing to make that money $$$. More like ¢¢¢ 

The cat scratched me today. I guess he knows the word, "fight". I asked him if he wanted to fight (I do this with my dog, which leads to us playing tug of war) and he just reached out and scratched me. Smarter than I thought, apparently.

There's a meeting tomorrow evening for fundraising for the Africa library project.  One of the things we're doing right now is having a yard sale. I donated some boxes of crap I was sick of looking at and it turns out one of the books is actually work like $35, so it's listed on ebay. It's actually listed for more by other sellers. Is it bad that now I want to take it back? I thought Mom checked all the books, dangit. Oh well, good cause and all.  *grumble grumble* So how about you buy it and help start the library in Africa, eh? (It's a children's library, which is why this book wouldn't be appropriate.)

I'm going to be disgruntled elsewhere now. Toodles.

 

Annoyance - Sabrina edition

It's late and I'm annoyed. I should have (or I guess "could have" - don't want to "should" all over myself") went to bed hours ago. But I was annoyed that I didn't get enough done, so I tried to do more. Didn't get much accomplished (i.e, anything at all), so now I'm even more annoyed.

I've been doing transcription online and at first it was all peachy. Then it got a little annoying because none of the grading systems were consistent, it would just depend on who checked your work. So someone might say you need to add a line between speakers one day, then the next day, you add the line, and that person says the line doesn't belong. Still, I dealt with it. Now, no kidding, I get emails every week (or even more frequently) about the new way they are doing things. Now I'm completely lost. That's one of the things I was going to do tonight, was transcribe, and I just realized, I haven't a clue how they're doing things this week.

Another thing I do is mystery shopping. So I signed on to some of the company websites to see if there were any gigs available, and there was one in particular I wanted, but I have to watch a 30 minute training video and then pass a test in order to do it. I hate that. Just give me the frigging directions in writing like every other company. And even for a company I've already done the training for (just a few months ago), they've now updated the training so I have to take it all over again. Seriously, just put a note at the top that says, "Update: now ask for sprinkles instead" or whatever the heck it is the big update is. Seriously.

Finally, my biggest thing I've been doing lately is my shopping facebook page, and the shopping that I post about. Obviously, shopping requires money (see above), so I'm just annoyed. Mostly, though, I want to make the actual shopping website/blog, but haven't a clue where to start. I obviously have a personal blog, and I've started the shopping blog, but I want to customize it to have links at the top and everything and suddenly I've forgotten how to make a web page. I made my first web page for a college assignment in 2000 and I can't do it now? Sure it was archaic, but I did it. Then I did the personal web site in 2003, which was the precursor to this blog. Idk, I'm just old now and have a harder time figuring shit out, apparently (see above re: transcription).

The things I shop for are donation items. So, I went to two more stores today and got another car full of stuff and was annoyed that it wouldn't fit in the car properly. I looked at all the stuff in there and just wanted to scream!  I've been getting rid of it pretty quickly to local charities, but now I'm left with the stuff I haven't a clue what to do with; like Snuggies.Where do I donate Snuggies? Or gift wrap cutters. Instead of using scissors, use these handy gift wrap cutters. What charity needs those? And if you're asking why I bought them in the first place, it's because they were a penny and I want to keep them out of landfills. This store throws things away. So even though I dropped off some stuff today, I still have a car full and that makes me.... wait for it...... ANNOYED!

So, I'm annoyed. Annoyed as opposed to angry or sad, so not too bad, I suppose. 

Cat sitting - Indiana edition

 I'm cat sitting for my friend, but this time it's my Indiana friend, Dani. So, I've been trying to do some stuff more out here, though it's not that far from where I currently live. So far I've only managed to go to Dollar Generals in Lowell, Hebron and Valpo.  Yeah, I know, excitement, right? One of my oldest and dearest friends lives not too far away and I really want to see her during my time here. I'm just such a slow poke. It takes me so long to get into the groove of things and plan things out. Also, I'm a space cadet. Yesterday, I couldn't find my glasses; I found them on the floor of my car. Lost my wallet? On the seat of my car. Where's my camera? You guessed it - in my car! I practically live in my car and let me tell you, it definitely shows!  I need to clean out that mofo.

Part of what's in my car are the mountains of donation items I've gotten from the various Dollar Generals doing my "penny hunting." I even started a facebook page about it. I only just started it last month and I haven't done a lot with it b/c I haven't started the actual website yet, so it's definitely a work in progress.

But back to the car; in addition to the mountain of shopping spoils, I can no longer use my passenger side door because of the accident I had last month. I can't remember if I posted about this or not, but someone T-boned me on the passenger side and the car is, for all intensive purposes, totaled. Luckily, no one was seriously injured. I went to the emergency room and had CAT scans and X-rays and all that fun stuff, but I live to tell the tale ;-)


Back to cat sitting; there's one black cat and one white cat. The black cat likes to try and wake me up in the morning by sitting on my chest. Effective, but not effective enough to make me get up. The white one just stares at me and lets out a meow every once in awhile. He pays more attention to me when I have food. The black one walks around my feet when I first get in, like tripping me repeatedly. He's a lover. The white one will stand off in a corner and stare at me. The big news in cat sitting today was that I vacuumed. Woohoo! Not many people would be proud of that particular achievement, but I am. Unfortunately, the outside garbage bin is reeking of cat pee pee and poo poo and trash pick up isn't until Tuesday. I wrapped up all the dirty litter in double plastic bags and tied it up, but it sure hasn't helped much! The bin is right by the back door, which is convenient for tossing the doo-doo, but not so convenient for avoiding the smell. Or the flies.

And while I'm here getting excited about vacuuming, Dollar General, and cat poop, Dani gets engaged! Somebody is having a more exciting week than I, methinks ;-) 

Mike's cat Leia during cat sitting 2006

As I was re-reading this post, I realized that I have cat-sat in Indiana before, for Mike. But my most recent cat sitting gigs have been in Chicago for Mike's ex wife, and my new friend, Jenn. How life twists and turns! And Dani, the friend I'm sitting for now, was my friend when Mike and I first got together in 8th grade! The more things change, the more they stay the same. Let's see if I can come up with another cliche to round this out; And that's the way the cookie crumbles. Mmm....cookies.

Surprising Strength

So, perfect example of something that I want to share, but not on facebook; today I was at my friend's house for Memorial Day. We were sitting by a fire in the backyard and this guy would not let up on me. He just kept asking if he could kiss me, whatever. I just flat out said no - repeatedly. Then he asked if I was in a relationship. I said, "Yes, I'm in a relationship with God." He didn't skip a beat and said, "Good, because I'm one of his disciples". Ha, made me laugh. Hadn't heard that one before.

Tonight we also talked briefly about my stint in Edinburgh, Scotland and how badly it went. When I explained that I was going to be living in a home for transitional young men, some were stunned, like, umm, what? But I explained it was just to help with getting to appointments, filling out forms, basically a lot of moral support as well. Then I remembered when I told Ronan (my bf at the time) what I was doing, he was none too happy about it. It had never occurred to me that would be an issue. Anyhow, that's not why it went badly, it was due to other things like not being able to get on the plane due to too much luggage, not being able to get a cab back home, getting into a car accident on the way from the airport, getting fired less than a week into my job (not because of performance, but because of the reference from my past employer that they failed to check before offering me the position and my moving to another country) and then being stuck in an unfamiliar country with no money. Yeah, that pretty much sucked.

The funny thing (or interesting, I guess) is that I didn't give up. I didn't just run back to the United States. I found another position in England, got by on the 5 pounds I had in my pocket for those few days until I could get over there and just started a new job. Unfortunately, after that position came to an end (several months later) and I did find a new one, there were just too many straws on the camel's back and when just one more thing got put on me (harsh words from someone in authority at the position I was leaving), I couldn't bear anymore and I did go back to the USA before my visa was expired. It's weird, though, how that worked out; because I had such amazing relationships with the children I worked with and am even friends with them now on facebook. But had that manager not been such a miserly, miserable hippie, I may not have gotten back in contact with Mike when I did and had that time with him before he died.  There would have always been a hole in my heart had I not been able to have that 'closure' with him. I am so thankful for that.

Sometimes we find out we are stronger than we think are. Dealing with advances from a persistent stranger, with humor even, despite the memories of being raped; Being stranded in a strange country with no money and still not going home; Losing the love of your life and then cleaning out his apartment and office and taking care of his family after his death. 

Annoyed

Remember the good old days of actually posting full paragraphs of text to share with a mostly anonymous audience? Now it's 140 characters to everyone you've ever known in your life. I don't really like that. There is so much I'd like to say, to vent, to express, but hold back because of some of the people I'm 'friends' with on various social networks. Not to say I don't like it at all, I do enjoy it, but I don't have that venue to vent like I did in the days of my blog. Or the days of my geocities page.

For example, I was in a car accident last week. Someone T-boned me and my car is likely totaled. I went to the ER and got scans and x-rays and pain medicine. I posted about it on facebook. A couple of days later I posted about the pain meds and the affect they were having on me. Several people jumped in saying I needed to stop taking those meds because they were addictive and could do damage and blah blah blah. I was like, really? I was in a car accident two days ago, I'm going to hold off on rehab for the time being. But the way facebook is set up you really only see things that get posted while you're online, so they didn't see my car crash post, but saw my pain meds post. And it was just annoying.

Speaking of annoying, my fricking car! I don't know what's going to happen with it. I think I've done all the bits for the insurance part of it. I've gone to my follow up doctor appointment and gotten more pain meds. I keep telling myself I'm glad that I'm okay, that I wasn't seriously injured, that no one was seriously injured.  But then I keep having this nagging feeling of annoyance and disbelief that this happened. That something so utterly avoidable happened because someone couldn't be bothered to pay attention or not cut through traffic, or go half a block to the light where it's safer to cross traffic. I'm annoyed that I can't afford a new car. I'm annoyed that one of my few prized possessions is now broken. Which makes two of them now, b/c my laptop is still broken. I'm just annoyed, annoyed, ANNOYED!

That being said, I am really trying to make myself see the positive in things. I still thank God every night for the blessings in my life. That I have a roof over my head, a bed to sleep in, etc. I have been able to be a servant for God by getting so many donations of brand new goods to help people in this area and in underdeveloped countries around the world. I just got another car load of stuff tonight, and a truck load yesterday. But still, because my parents don't see the value in it, it affects me. Which is where I need to work on myself. I can't change how others think of me or what I do, and I shouldn't have to. I need to not let what others think of me, or what I think they think of me, affect me so deeply. That is my biggest challenge by far. There's that graphic that's gone around the web that says something like, "Before you diagnose yourself with depression, make sure you are not, in fact, surrounded by assholes". I really like that one. Because it is so refreshing to me when I speak to someone who just lifts me up. Who values me as a person and it's so different from what I'm used to.

So, here I am, trying out the blog again. Venting to everyone or no one. I can form my thoughts and state them without having my aunt call my mom or someone I went to high school with gossiping about it to someone else I went to high school with.