Sunday, June 19, 2005


Licorice and adopted older brother Sherman. I have to make the pics very bright b/c Lic doesn't show up in them (he's jet black!) Posted by Hello

"Follow me!" Posted by Hello

"You looking at me?" Posted by Hello

Mr. Yucko

Received from my friend Ed via e-mail. I also heard that the waste was going to be transported via rail across the country, coming across our nice state as well.

This is spooky stuff. Its no secret but make yourself aware, this sounds like the biggest disaster ever waiting to happen.

This about sums it up: "Every possible solution has been explored, from dumping it in the ocean to launching it towards the sun. Finally, President Bush, the Department of Energy, and the U.S. Congress decided that all of that nuclear waste should be moved to Nevada and buried under a mountain in the middle of the desert."
CBS News Report

Government Report

I ain't never seen an *ss like that

You ever have one of those moments of realization where you learn something new and it stays with you forever? I've had a few. One was in 1994, when I was at a clothes store reaching up to the top rack. I caught a side view of myself in a mirror nearby, and was like "damn, my butt is big." Another was in 1996 when I was working at a clothes store and I was walking in, caught my view in our mirrors and thought "damn my stomach isn't flabby, it's just firm". In June 2005, I was in my kitchen, with the light off, but caught an glimpse of my shadow and thought, "daaaaaaaamn that's a big old ghetto booty".

In 1992, I saw a photo of myself and thought, wow, I look thin. Strange b/c when I looked at myself and in a mirror, I didn't think that at all. The same thing when I watched a home movie in 1990. I thought "there must be something wrong with this camera, b/c it makes me look skinny." Again in '92, I saw a polaroid of myself that had just been taken and thought, "my arms look like Skeletor." Yet, even then, with the snapshot of how I looked right at that moment, I didn't see it myself.

I wonder if the image I have of myself and the image others have of me will ever be the same? Probably not, but I don't think they'll ever even come close.

At group last week, we did this self esteem exercise and at the beginning of the session, we had to rate how we felt about ourselves with 1 being the lowest form of humanity and 10 being the best anyone could possibly feel about themselves. I said a 5. We then had to go around and write different positive qualities about other members of the group and then we had our own read to us. I was surprised by some of the things people had to say about me; particularly "enthusiastic" and "fun".

If you would have asked me a year ago, I might have used those words to describe myself. However, since getting back in touch with Mike (old high school boyfriend), I have really begun to think quite the opposite. Why? Well, basically, b/c he told me so - over and over again. That I wasn't fun, I was always serious, sad, etc. You hear something five times a day every day you start to believe it. Especially when it comes from someone you think knows you better than anyone else.

Recently, though, I have started to see that what he says doesn't always reflect the truth. I have been able to see him and what he says and does the way others do. The same thing has happened with Ronan, a few months ago. Something clicked in my brain and I suddenly saw what everyone else saw and then had no desire to maintain contact or even wish for a reconciliation.

You can always see when your friend is in a bad situation. You can tell them, "he's not worth it", "you deserve better". You find it hard to understand why she would be with such a person who obviously doesn't treat her right. Yet, when it is ourselves, we can't seem to see it. I am fortunate enough to have been able to see it for myself twice now. The spell has been lifted.

And it very well may have saved my life.

Tuesday, June 14, 2005

The Comedy of Tragedy

In late 2001, I had just moved to Dublin, Ireland and was living in a hostel, going on job interviews and looking for a place to live. I wasn't even particularly sure I wanted to stay in Dublin, and considered going to the other side of the country and stay in Galway. I had moved there from London, England, where I had just finished up working for the NSPCC on my BUNAC six month work permit. I really didn't want to leave, and working in Ireland for four months was really just an attempt to extend my stay abroad.

Less than a week into my Dublin stint, I got a call from my Mom. (One of my first orders of business upon arriving in Dublin was purchasing a cell phone.) Something was wrong, I could tell. She told me my brother Brian was in the hospital. He had tried to commit suicide.

I couldn't believe it. I told her I would come home right away.


Now, just a few short years later, his name is in the newspaper for very different reasons. Brian's comedy has been taking him all around the midwest and he even had a shot at a network sitcom (it wasn't picked up). Most importantly, though, he seems to be happy. He still has a "day job" in Chicago and plays softball on the weekends and hangs out with his girlfriend. He has really learned a lot from his past experiences and does not hesitate to speak to others about it. When someone says thank you for talking with them, he laughs and says, "that's all I know about, drinking, so I might as well talk about it".

And talk about it, he does, to hundreds of people, several nights a week. He is doing something he's always wanted to do and doing it well. I admire you, Brian, and I'm so proud.

Wednesday, June 08, 2005

What's My Age Again?

I didn't think that at the age of 27 I would have to worry about the men in my age bracket going for "younger" women. Well, apparently I was wrong. Mike, my old high school boyfriend, is now sleeping with an 18 year old. Do I even remember being 18? Yes, I vaguely remember talking to my friends about how now I couldn't try and climb up the water tower b/c I was officially an adult (and therefore would get in REAL trouble). She just graduated from high school last week. I'm going to my 10 year reunion next month.

Does this mean I'm officially old? Is is time for me to join the First Wives' Club even though I've never been married?

At a gathering a couple of months ago, someone said that a woman's eggs start to die when they turn 28. I was thinking, "wow, is it all downhill from here?" "Is that my biological clock I hear ticking?" "Shit, I don't even have a boyfriend!"

I asked my gynecologist about it and she said that is false. Well, what she said was that your eggs start dying off when you are born or something like that. I don't know, but she assured me that no, this was not the other side of the baby making hill I was on.

Which is another thing - I took a pregnancy test yesterday and again this morning b/c I haven't had my period in two months. They were both negative. I dreamt last night that this man who could see such things, looked at me, saw my uterus and said, "I don't know what kind of pregnancy tests you've been taking, but you are definitely expecting." Likely an anxiety dream, I know, but it was still so emotional.

Well now that the second test is negative, I'm starting to wonder if I can even become pregnant. I mean, I've been having sex for many years now and I've never been pregnant. True, that I have used protection, but my doctors keep telling me that I can't use only condoms b/c they are not reliable on their own. But I've not gotten pregnant.

I talked to one of my good old (meaning we've been friends for many years, not that she is old) friends about this and she said she had thought the same thing before she got pregnant with her child. Ronan once told me his ex had also thought that before getting pregnant with their child.

Wait a minute, now I remember Ronan was sleeping with a 17 year old when we broke up. Yes, it's all coming back to me now. Wow. And Mike was all judgemental about that when I talked to him about it, but you know what, she's 18 now, Mike, so it's okay, right?

I'm sure that I'm just overthinking this, I mean, what else is new? I just hope that one day I'll be with someone who wants to have a baby just as much as I do and we can start a family together.

That's not too much to ask, is it?

Well, I guess if the men with whom who want to have families are sleeping with 18 year olds, maybe it is.

Wednesday, June 01, 2005

Fairies are Women

This is one of those email things that I received today;

A married couple in their early 60s were out celebrating their 35th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant. Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table and said, "For being such an exemplary married couple and for being faithful to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish. "Ooh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband" said the wife. The fairy moved her magic stick and - abracadabra...Two tickets for the new QM2 luxury
liner appeared in her hands. Now it was the husband's turn. He thought for a moment and said: "Well this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this only occurs once in a lifetime. So I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife who is 30 years younger than me." The wife and the fairy were deeply
disappointed, but a wish is a wish... So, the fairy made a circle withher magic stick and - abracadabra! -

The husband became 92 years old.

The moral of this story: Men might be ungrateful ....

But fairies
are......

female.

Nicole Conner