Grand Opening - Indiana Style

I don't mean to brag, but I attended a Grand Opening this weekend. I know, be jealous. A hot, new nightclub? Nope. Perhaps a museum? Not quite. See, here in Indiana, our Grand Openings have a more practical nature. The Kroger Marketplace opened up directly across the street from the old Kroger. It's a good time to be a Hoosier.

The new Kroger Marketplace has a fuel station. We have plenty of gas stations 'round these here parts, but no Kroger station. You can use your Kroger loyalty card to get a certain amount off each gallon of gas. Score! I pulled in and saw gas was only $1.67! The lowest I've seen it in probably a decade. Double Score! I worry that I won't be able to use my Kroger card at the pump because I only have the key chain card and not the full size one that you slide in and out. Well, lo and behold, you can scan your key chain card at the pump. Triple Score! Now I choose my fuel type and see that they are offering a 20 cent per gallon discount if you scan your Kroger card in honor of the Grand Opening. Grand Slam! You can put it on the board...YES! Gas for $1.47 a gallon.

Once I filled up, I made my way across the parking lot to the main event. I was thinking  I would probably have to park far away, but I found a spot pretty close to the door. Sweet! Reminds me of the days of the small store. You know, like last week.

My first order of business was to buy a new wallet. Mine has been falling apart for some time now, and it really is time to put it out of its misery. The problem was that I couldn't find another one with the same kind of layout. I was having trouble finding them, so I asked a couple of friendly Kroger associates who pointed out it was in the very next aisle over and gave me a coupon for 25% off. Don't mind if I do.

I saw these tubs of cranberries and I had the strong urge recreate the scene from I Love Lucy, where they smash grapes with their feet.

I was really intrigued by this ice cream. It looked a lot like the Mickey Mouse ice cream I've been craving for years but is out of circulation. I decided to give it a try. The reality of what came out of the package was a bit of a disappointment compared to the picture. The bottom pink part came half off just from being unwrapped. Oh well. Win some, lose some. And yes, I unwrapped it in the car in the parking lot because I could not wait to get home.

They seem to have a lot of vegetarian options, which is good. Though I didn't see my run of the mill Morningstar or Boca products. I did, however, get a lecture on the unhealthiness of vegetarianism by one of the associates handing out wafer samples with dip. I asked what was in the dip, which is what started the discussion. How long have I been a vegetarian she asks? Twenty-one years. She seems taken aback. In my mind, I'm rolling my eyes. I am by no means the picture of health, far from it! but my B12 levels are perfect. And since when did I ask for the opinion of the sample person at the new Kroger?

And in that mood, I turned the corner and saw that Kroger threw up Christmas.

Woman in the parking lot as we were leaving says, "The new store is great, but it was too big, it gave me a headache." I hear ya, sistah. Good thing there is 20% off liquor for the Grand Opening. Oh, but wait, it's Sunday. We can't buy alcohol in Indiana on Sunday, because you know, Jesus. Oh, how you tease us, new Kroger!

American Ronan

I have met the American version of Ronan and he is an asshole. What? You say. How does this differ from Irish Ronan? Well, I can see it so clearly when I’m not blinded my feelings or the novelty of his Irish accent. Twelve years ago this month is when I was first cast under Irish Ronan’s spell.

American Ronan, let's call him "John", and I met online (as did Irish Ronan and I). He was tall and slender, just like Ronan. We were instant messaging each other and when I tell him I'm looking for Mr. Right, he tells me he's more like Mr. Right Now. I tell him that's not what I'm looking for and we are about to go our separate ways when he starts detailing his life story on me. I am really intrigued so I keep asking more questions. At the end he asks if he ever had a shot. A shot at what? No, I told you I don't want to bang, I didn't think talking to you would lead you to believe I'd changed my mind. He basically says I led him on and even worse, made him tell me his life story for nothing. Whatever, he's a douche.

So if this would have been Ronan, I would have felt bad for misleading him and questioned whether or not I was to blame.

Some other things "John" said that prove he is an asshole:

"I'll keep going until two or three seconds after she says stop."

"I do the job of like five people at work, they can't keep me busy enough."

"No condom?"

"Are you this hard on all men?"

Voice mail message: "If it's important, I'll get back with you. If not, don't hold your breath."

"Sometimes I have a silver tongue, or can talk people into what I want."

"I still want something more sexual based instead of emotionally based."

"I want sex, and if friends come out of it, so be it...but I don't want to become a friend and never leave the friend zone."

"I like to have sex with bigger women, but date skinny girls."

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I really don't need to say more about John. I mean, he's an asshole. But what has been so glorious about meeting this asshole is that he has helped open my eyes to the reality of what Ronan is. Some of things John said are the same as what Ronan said, and I can so easily roll my eyes at John and move on but for some reason, leave my heart strings tied to Ronan. Part of it is my love for him. Part of it is the novelty of his nationality. Another part of it is that he reminds me of a time of my life where I was actually living life the way I wanted to live it. I was young and pretty carefree and just moving from country to country without much thought or planning. That's something that I will probably never get back. It's like having Ronan in my life is a connection to that part of my former self.

But that doesn't mean he's not an asshole.

Give a mouse a cookie

Despite working at a high poverty school, my students can be very ungrateful at times. They are definitely not shy about asking for more. Here are some instances I've come across in just the last couple of months as a high school teacher;

Buying Jimmy Johns for student and him asking me to heat it up for him, making a special trip to the other side of the school.

Did science fair project research for student; he lost it within an hour and told me to do it for him again.

Print off color photos for their project for another class and they complain about the quality, size, and/or want to go back and print more because they didn't realize how small they would print out.

Buying poster boards for them and them asking for a new one because they made a tiny mis-mark on theirs.

Saying, "it was only $1" when I asked them to not waste the colored electrical tape that I bought with my own money for their project.

Buying candy bars, sweet tarts, nerds, twizzlers and still having someone complain that I don't have the candy they like and/or there isn't enough of it.

Asking me to give up my lunch/prep time to help them, and additionally asking me to buy THEM lunch.

A student had their teacher call me and ask if they could come do their work in my office. I told them they could, but they had to come straight here, no bathroom, no locker and I would not let them leave once they got there. I go out in the hallway to see what is taking them so long, and see them coming out of the bathroom. "I can't even go to the bathroom? Forget it, I'm going back to class."

I was helping students with a geometry quiz. I haven't studied geometry in over 25 years. All I have to do is read the words to them and make sure they have a calculator. What I do, though, is provide them with an example for each section to jog their memory. As I'm looking through my notes to figure something out, they start talking to each other about non school related stuff. I tell them to keep it down. Thirty seconds later, again. Finally, I snap and say, "forget it, I'm not helping you. Do it on your own." They look at each other and me like I have lost my mind. 

Car Accident

Last week I was involved in a car accident. I was on my way to work on Wednesday morning about 7:30 a.m. I was on the expressway. I was cruising right along when seemingly out of nowhere there was a vehicle at a dead stop. I’m not sure exactly how fast I was going, but it was at least 40 mph. I remember the red bumper getting larger and larger. I came to the realization that this was indeed happening. I was going to hit this car, and I was going to hit it hard. I think I may have even recoiled instinctively in my seat, trying to get as far away from the approaching car as possible.

I see cars pulling over to the shoulder.  My car wouldn’t move. There were lights flashing everywhere in the car. I wondered if the airbag might have a delayed reaction. I realized my glasses were no longer on my face. They had flown off during the impact. I look at the front passenger seat and wonder what other things aren’t where they are supposed to be. I see a line of cars behind me.

The man in the car in front of me tells me to put my car in neutral. He pushed me to the side of the road.

I tried to call 911. There was some recording. I could not comprehend what it was saying. I was so confused. All I was prepared to do was say I had been in a car accident and give my location. This was outside my realm of understanding. I hang up and then the man who pushed me over comes to my window, and I just hand him my phone and tell him something about 911. He has his own phone, of course, and calls from it. 

He tells me that maybe my car just died out from the impact and to try and start it again. I do, and it starts, but it still won't move. 

I called Mom crying. I called Jay to pick me up. And to just help me because I can’t even think right now.  

The police showed up. Tell me to turn my car off. It was smelling funny and smoking.

Jay showed up.

Immediately after accident. Bruises expanded.

The car was towed.

I went to the emergency room. There were metal detectors. Jay has to go back and put his knife in the car. 

The pain will get worse before it gets better they tell me.

I rented a car.

When you look down at your bruises and smile wide because you know how lucky you are that's the only injury you have. And that injury from the seat belt kept you from getting far worse injuries.