What I Need Is Not Your Opinion

I am tired of living my life the way others want me to.

Travel too much; don’t travel enough

Date too much; don’t date enough

Put others first; put yourself first

I have lived in self-imposed exile for the last twenty plus years. I put the beliefs and feelings of others above my own for two decades. I’m sick of it. I am not doing it any longer.

I make my own money. I have a job that requires enormous emotional stamina for an amount of pay that doesn’t begin to fairly compensate, but I have an occasional week or weeks off to recharge. Telling me that doing what I want during this time is selfish? That I spent the last time off away from my boyfriend, so I should spend this time off with him? But then someone else says that my boyfriend will never have time off because he has kids, so I should forget about going anywhere ever again until they are older? Fuck that. 

I am 39 years old. I have been single for the majority of that time. I don’t have children. I don’t own a home. I only started my career three years ago. Most of this is because I was so emotionally crippled after being raped as a teenager and not getting the help and support that I needed from anyone, including my family. I finally feel like I can live again, and you want me to live the way you think I should? Fuck that.

Yes, I will take a trip to Cambodia by my fucking self. I will sleep in a capsule in Tokyo by my fucking self. I will drive to Canada without my boyfriend or his kids because he says they can’t handle the trip. I will take my boyfriend to a nice bed and breakfast with my own fucking money. I will let my boyfriend’s kids go to day care instead of watching them all day on my day off. I will stay in the fucking house because I’m tired as shit if that’s what I want to do.

I have made the choices to create this life. You didn’t have protected sex and got pregnant? Not my fucking problem. You decided to get married as a teenager? Not my fucking problem. You left your husband for the babysitter? Don’t fucking look at me.

I have worked my ass off to get through high school, college, graduate school and teacher training to get my career. Don’t look down your nose at me at how I spend my money. Don’t make comments like, “It must be nice”. You weren’t saying that when I was up all night working on my master’s thesis were you? Or when I was falling asleep in the elevator on my way to work at Taco Bell during college. Or when I was taking care of my love’s disabled mother after he died. How about when I was celibate for seven years because I didn’t think anyone could possibly find me attractive?

Oh, but I sure heard different opinions during this time.

I don’t need your opinions, I need your support.
I don’t need your judgement, I need your love.

If you can’t give me that, then I don’t need you. 

Cambodia - Hotel

I have arrived safe and sound at home the bag for my trip to Cambodia. Since there's so much to tell about the trip I figured I'd break it up into pieces. Today's blog post about the hotel. I booked the hotel on agoda.com. since it is 90 degrees in Cambodia right now I knew that air conditioning was an absolute must for my hotel stay. I was able to limit search based on that parameter. I then decided on neighborhoods based on reading various post on the Lonely Planet message board for Cambodia. Someone mentioned a couple of streets that were good for hotels and when I found one in my price range on one of those streets I booked it. the street was 208. The hotel was https://www.facebook.com/Villa-Chaktok-568942863289480/ Villa Chaktok. the price ranged from $20-30 a night, with most nights being $23.

 That amount seems super cheap to Americans but you can get a dorm bed and Cambodia for as low as $5. I could have paid a lot more and got my own private pool and other amenities. However I decided to go middle of the road. I had the comfort I wanted with a price I could afford.

The air conditioning was awesome and I was able to control it by remote control. I had a small refrigerator in the room which had a mini-bar. There was a flat screen rejection attached to the wall. There was an armoire in the room that has robes and slippers. I had a king size bed. The Wi-Fi was awesome. When I first arrived to the hotel they treated me like a queen. They helped me get my luggage from the cab and gave me a nice cold drink.

They carried my luggage upstairs to my room for me.

All very luxurious, especially by Cambodian standards.

Here are the down sides: they did not clean her room while I was there. This meant that they didn't empty the trash. Considering that you don't throw toilet paper in the toilet and have to put it in a trash can that makes for some pretty nasty trash. They would never be in the room without me being there. I don't know if this is a cultural thing or just their practice. I know that if I would have asked them to change the trash they would have done so quickly. Any time I called reception they were there within two minutes time. However I didn't feel comfortable asking them to do that.

When I went to add a night they tried to overcharge me for my room. I finally just looked it up on agoda myself and showed them the price it was a going for on that website and that's how I got my room for $23 for the rest of the time. One of the nights that I booked on agoda (before I arrived) was $20 and another one was $30 since it was a weekend night. So when I wanted to add more they wanted to charge me $30 a night. I was ready to walk away. or just book through agoda and have then pay the commission.

They don't have a pool. there are many hotels in Phnom Penh which have a pool. It is seen as an essential given the heat in the area. This is a brand new hotel, though, and according to the manager, there are plans to add a pool, along with a sky bar. There are pictures of the sky bar on their facebook page, which show that it is almost finished.

The staff was not knowledgeable about tourist information. They we're willing to google anything to find the info, but they we're not familiar with basic things, like boat rides on the Mekong River or how to get to Siem Reap.

All in all, I was very happy with my stay there. the air conditioning worked perfectly, the Wi-Fi was good and the place was clean.

Planning and Panic

I am leaving for Cambodia in just a few days. I am so excited and nervous and know that there is no turning back now!

Just to review where all the info from this trip came:
I found out about the flight through The Points Guy on Facebook. His main schtick is getting miles from credit cards, but he also posts really good air fare deals when they become available. My round trip flight from Chicago to Phnom Penh was under $450. That is the entire reason I decided to take this trip. Give me a good deal and I'm there!

Hotel -
When it came to booking a hotel in Asia, I had absolutely no clue where to begin. I first looked at AirBnB, which is what I used exclusively during my Canada road trip this summer. There were many great listings, but I realized that I didn't know enough about the city to figure out how far away the homes were from the airport or tourist attractions. My main focus on this trip is comfort and convenience. I will gladly pay more to be dropped off at the door of wherever I am going. This trip has such a fast turnaround and such immense probability of jet lag, that I don't trust my ability to navigate on my own after traveling for 39 hours (this includes my overnight in Tokyo).

Next I went to the Lonely Planet website and found the Cambodia Forum. This led me to Booking.com and Agoda. Agoda is where I booked my rooms for Phnom Penh and I booked Tokyo on Booking.com. Booking.com does have price match, so if you find your room cheaper elsewhere, they will match it. I didn't use that feature, so I can't report on that.

TSA - I did apply for pre-check from the Transportation Security Administration. The cost was $85 and lasts 5 years. I did this last month, and here in Indianapolis, I was able to get an appointment the next day. I did not do the Global Entry, though, which apparently requires an actual interview in addition to the fingerprints. When I went, the person just asked me the same questions from my online form and took my fingerprints. I don't know if Global Entry is different. I do know that it costs more and word on the street is that in some cities it is hard to get in to schedule an interview.

As for activities while in the cities, I have found ideas from Trip Advisor and Viator. Viator is apparently the same company as Trip Advisor. I would read reviews on Trip Advisor and check out prices on Viator. So far, my plan includes a Robot Cabaret Show in Tokyo.

Did I mention I am staying at an internet and manga cafe and sleeping in a capsule in Tokyo? Yeah, just going all in.

In preparation for Tokyo, I ordered Japanese Yen from my bank. It should be in tomorrow. They were not able to order Cambodian Riel. I have no idea how one would get that money here, but I read that they also widely accept and prefer the American dollar.

This summer in Canada, my debit card would not work at stores, so I am going to have my credit cards at the ready in case I run into a similar situation. I want to have many options so I don't find myself in a financial bind.

Oh, and you have to have a visa to enter Cambodia, but you can get that at the airport upon arrival. My plan was to get it ahead of time on their website but I got tripped up by having to upload the photo and not having a scanner for my passport picture, and next thing I knew, I was out of time. D'oh.

What started out as an impulse buy has definitely turned into a lot of moving pieces fitting together. I also contacted a school in Cambodia and will be spending a day there while I am there. That is one of the things I am most excited about. If I had thought of it sooner, I could have tried to arrange more meaningful for my time there. I learned at the volunteer work camps on vfp.org, but there are none going on during the week I am there.

Whenever I become overwhelmed by a big trip, I think, "Just follow the end of your nose". Putting one foot in front of the other, I will make it there.

The Series Finale of America?

The election is tomorrow. I honestly haven't given it a whole lot of thought because I didn't think Donald Trump stood a chance. I started out as a Bernie Sanders supporter. However, I went and saw Bill Clinton and Chelsea Clinton speak at the Indianapolis Clinton headquarters because it shares a parking lot with my school. After Bernie was out, there was just no other choice for me. I can't believe that he has made it this far. I really hope that after this is over, it comes out that his campaign was a joke and charade.

This video by Seth Meyers pretty much sums up how I feel.

Now as the day nears, I am actually getting a little nervous. This is the first time I've actually thought, "Oh my God, what if he won?" I just can't fathom that possibility. I hope I'm not the only one. 

Single digits

Nine days (single digits) before my trip to Cambodia/Tokyo/Washington DC . Finally sorted out my night in Tokyo. I'm going to be staying in a 'capsule' manga/internet cafe. Yeah. And then I'm going to the robot cabaret. Boom.

https://thepointsguy.com/2016/08/tpgtv-robot-restaurant-in-tokyo/

For the first time, I'm feeling more excited than nervous. But then when I pause and think about it, I get nervous again. 

I'm nervous about the 13 hour flight from Chicago to Tokyo. 

I'm nervous about navigating my way around Tokyo.

I'm nervous about the seven hour flight to Phnom Penh, Cambodia, from Tokyo. 

I'm nervous about not fitting in the seats on the plane, pushing into the space of the person next to me. Hoping I'll have an empty seat there. 

I'm nervous about being so tired from the traveling that I actually won't be able to do much. 

I'm excited to go someplace I've never been and someplace I've never even thought of going. 

I'm excited to see new things and share these experiences with my friends, family and students. 

I'm excited that I'm actually doing something that really seizing the day and getting the most out of the short life we have here on Earth. 

But for now, I must sleep. Work still awaits me at 7:15 am. Cuddly time for me and Chewy. 

Cambodia Panic Attack

I am trying to sort out the details of my Cambodia/Tokyo/Washington DC trip that I so bravely booked a couple of months back and I feel like I am ready to puke. What in the sam hell was I thinking? I knew it was outside of my comfort zone, but I was feeling all powerful and hopped up from my Canadian road trip, I thought, I am woman, hear me travel and all of that good stuff. And then I saw the plane seat size - 16.5 inches wide. WTF?! My ass is much larger than 16.5 inches wide.

Well, to console myself, I'm getting a hotel with a pool and a bathtub so I can chill when I arrive. Via taxi. Which I will hopefully have to myself. With air conditioning. I am the not the 20 something I once was, that's for sure!

Would I do it all again? Ronan Edition

Last night after a nice day with my boyfriend and his kids, I settled down to sleep. I had this very vivid dream. I was having a conversation in the cosmos with Ronan. Arguing/debating over whether all the hurt, drama and emotional scarring was worth the short amount of time we had together. I wondered aloud whether I would choose to do it all again. Ronan and I were discussing whether or not this would happen again in life, as if we were souls deciding our bodies' fate.

I was angry and relaying all the pain and hurt. Shouting. Crying. Indignant. Certain I would never make that mistake again. Then I remembered: the feeling of love at first sight.

I remembered how my heart skipped a beat. I remembered looking up at him when we first met outside of the phone booth in downtown Belfast. I remembered what it felt like to have my arms around his neck. I remembered it all. My eyes softened and now I was smiling through the tears. Would I want to go through life without having had that feeling? Never. So then and there my soul decided that I would make that choice again. If I were to send myself back to 2003, I would make the same choice, no regrets. All worth it for the feeling of love. 

I just wish I had more photos. 

Oh, how much I've learned. And to be clear, when I say I would do it again, I mean, I wouldn't change anything from the past. I have the choices to make in the future, and I would not put myself through more pain and hurt with this particular man because I've learned it goes nowhere. But I wouldn't take it back. 

October 25th –virginessary

This is the day I lost my virginity many years ago. Since that year, I have not had sex on this date ever again. This is not on purpose, Is it like when a ball player gets their number retired? This date is now hanging in the rafters in my bedroom? Or vagina?

We had been toying around with the notion and building up to this. Second base, third base, heavy petting, dry humping, even some real life connections between his you-know-what in my you-know-where. But on this day, it was like the heavens opened up (my vagina) and it actually went in. Since it wasn’t really planned, there was no condom involved. And since there was no condom involved, it did not last to completion. Or very long at all. It could have happened prior if we would have “forced” it, but thankfully he did not press the issue I was never one for pain. So when it finally happened, naturally, organically, I was pleased. People asked if it hurt. No. Simply because we had worked up to it. My body was prepared for it.

Unlike that time we tried anal. Son of a bitch. 

Roasting

Is it not proper decorum to get up in the middle of the night and sleep on the air mattress because your boyfriend's body heat is boiling you alive? Asking for a friend.

My poor guy is probably coming down with something. We had a nice weekend together. He cooked for me, carried my groceries upstairs and put them away. He helped me tidy up my car a bit. We had lots of snuggle time. But last night was too hot to handle. It probably doesn't help that I have a full size bed and my boyfriend is anyway hot, if you know what I mean, wink wink nudge nudge. :)

Depression has no reason

I have depression. It's not because there is something wrong with my life. It's because of chemicals in my brain. This should be clear to me especially now. I was having horrible intrusive thoughts today and yesterday. Just overall very symptomatic. Why? I have an awesome boyfriend. I have a job that pays me more than I've ever made before, that actually uses my education. I finished grad school. I have my own place and car, family and friends who love me, and a great trip to Cambodia coming up next month. There is no reason I should be depressed, yet here I am. I want answers. I want to actually have my serotonin and dopamine levels checked. I've been medicated for fourteen years and never had this done. I'm glad that I'm functional. That's better than not being functional. However, I want more. I want to be happy. I want to not have negative thoughts daily. Just really feel happy. It's that too much to ask?

Notes from a conversation with my rapist

I've talked about how, back in 2013, I got in contact with the person who raped me twenty years prior. It started with a phone conversation. A long phone conversation. I made a video right afterwards so that I could document my feelings. I would share it here but it's over 20 minutes long and I'd really like to edit it for length. Well I was cleaning out papers and apparently during that phone conversation in 2013 I was taking notes in a spiral notebook. Here is a glimpse as to what those notes looked like.

 There are things here that I didn't remember from the phone conversation and then I had it mentioned in my video. 

A priest prayed with him in jail. I don't remember anyone praying with me at the hospital. He spent a night in jail. I spent twenty years living in fear. 

Seeing these words again made my blood boil over things I had forgotten or pushed to the back of my mind. Does that mean I don't really forgive him? No, I don't think so. It means that I'm made at a society that allows a rape culture to exist. That even if the grand jury trial happened today, there would still be at least one juror who would go up to the rapist after the hearing, and just as he did twenty plus years ago, tell him, "you better watch out who you associate with". Yes, that really happened. 

O Canada

This summer I took a road trip to Canada. Earlier this year I finally got my passport renewed. It had been expired for years. I was bound and determined to make use of my new passport this summer. When I couldn't afford summer priced airfare, I decided to get in my car and drive to Canada. Niagara Falls was already on my bucket list so it's served multiple purposes. I went by myself since Geoff had to work. It was awesome. I used Airbnb for places to stay. The American dollar was worth more than the Canadian dollar so my money went farther than I expected.

On my way to Niagara Falls I stopped in Ann Arbor Michigan to stay with my brother and his family. I also stopped in London, Ontario and St. Catharines, Ontario on my way back I stopped in Hamilton Ontario and Windsor, Ontario. I stopped in Ann Arbor again to see my brother on the way back. My brother was recently married and I have a 13 year old step daughter. I met her for the first time. She introduced me to Snapchat and I played around with some of the image filters. I also spend a lot of time watching her and Brian play Pokemon go. The first day I was at my brother's house it was the day before my birthday so they got me a birthday cake and sang to me so that was fun.

In Canada some of the differences I noted included; poutine, ketchup chips, differences Kit Kats and Oreos, speed limits listed in kilometers per hour,  gas stations listing prices in liters instead of gallons, to name a few.

I was finally able to get Facebook live to work and use it for the first time while on my journey. I used it a few times throughout the trip.

Niagara Falls was breathtaking. The body ride near it was amazing and worth the wet hair! Someone gave me their tourist card that they weren't going to use any more of that day. So I got free admission to the white rapids and I got to use the buses for the day. That was really awesome.

There really is so much to tell about the trip but the main idea is I had so much fun and I'm so glad I did it. This was my first paid summer off as a teacher and I wanted to make the absolute most of it. I'm looking forward to many new adventures as this road trip has reawakened my traveling Desires. In fact, I've just booked a trip to Cambodia over Thanksgiving break. I have a layover in Tokyo and I'm super excited about all of it. Sabrina is traveling once again.

To be loved

As I lie next you and feel your arm wrapped around my waist, I smile, but then pause. For a brief moment, I remember a different time in my life. A time when I would lie awake next to someone just wishing they would love me. And they didn't. Furthermore, they made me believe that I was unlovable. Every now and again, he would accidentally put his arm around me or accidentally make some sort of intimate gesture in his sleep. I would freeze. Happy, not wanting the moment to end, I would rejoice in this show of affection, however unintentional. I would not want to move because then he might shift and the affection would be over. His arm would no longer be around me and I would no longer feel like I was loved. I would stare at him while he slept wishing for him to love me. And I stayed. Night after night. Lying next to someone who didn't love me and said and did mean things to me. I thought I was lucky to have it. Thought I was lucky anyone would allow me to sleep in their bed. That came from my own mind, but he reinforced it very well. He told me that no one would put up with me. That I wasn't attractive. That I was weird and broken. I protested, but I believed it was true, so I stayed. I waited for him to accidentally touch me in the night so I could feel, however brief, what it felt like to be loved.

And now, I have you. You love me unconditionally. My faults are the reasons you love me, not what you love me in spite of. You hold my hand in public. You kiss my forehead.  You wake up with me in the middle of the night when I have nightmares and are happy to comfort me. You've shown me that rubbing my feet isn't gross like I thought! You will put cream on any part of my body I can't reach, no matter how embarrassing it is. You would cuddle me all day and all night if we didn't have life obligations ;-) You love me. You. Love. Me. I can shift all I want in bed to get comfortable because I know as soon as I settle in, your arm is coming right around me. I know you love me. I feel loved. I know now that I was deserving this all along. I know now that I am loveable. I know now that I am not broken.

Negative is still positive, right?

What is going on?

I haven't had my period since February. Naturally concerned, I took a pregnancy test when my period was about ten days late. It was negative. Forty days later, still no period. I took another pregnancy test. I had all of this self talk going like, "You already took one, you know you're not pregnant", "Maybe it was too early when you took the last one and it didn't show up yet", "You have put on a few pounds, maybe you are", "But you always use protection", "But protection isn't 100%". I figured the only way to put all of these thoughts to rest was to take another test.

Negative. Again. I should be relieved, right?

Am I relieved?

I should be relieved. What am I thinking? I JUST SAID that I am definitely not ready for children yet. After spending time with my boyfriend's kids, I knew that was a plank I was not quite ready to walk. But before that, I was SO POSITIVE I wanted kids NOWLIKERIGHTNOW because I'm 38 years old and I don't know how much longer I will be able to have kids.

I knew it wasn't the right time. I want to be married. I want to be stable. I want to be ready.

This is a good thing, right?

Yet, still, there was disappointment. Seeing that negative result kind of stung.

Just to be sure

So now I try and look it logically. If I do want a baby, it will likely have to be within the next few years. Would I want to be pregnant in the body I have now? That would be difficult. Being overweight puts even more risk on my pregnancy, already having diabetes and advanced maternal age. Maybe I could better control my diabetes? Maybe I could be more physically fit so that pregnancy doesn't feel like prison. Sometimes I already feel like I walk and get up like a pregnant person. Would the back pain be worse? I'm sure the fatigue would knock me on my ass. The fatigue already knocks me on my ass. If I could move a couple of rings higher on the health ladder, maybe pregnancy will be more bearable for me.

That's not going to happen in fifty days. So I might as well get ready now.

I was triggered by an email from my boss

This time around I have made it a point to have a good work-life balance. This means that I don't check work email at home. However, as the school year has gone on I will let that policy slip a little bit and check email here and there. That's what happened last night when while lying in bed I checked my work email to find an email from my principal. The subject was in all caps important please read. It was about dress code. More specifically about women's dress code. Since the weather was getting warmer it said it was time to go over some of the expectations. I immediately got defensive and started to feel facing a grand jury having to explain my actions.

That day I had worn a long dress. Floor length but sleeveless. I wore a long sleeve sweater draped over my shoulder so that my arms were not exposed. However, as the day went on and the air conditioner did not seem to be working in my room I took the sweater off leaving my arms bare. Shock and horror of course. Now this in itself was a big step for me because I normally don't expose my arms at all. I never have. Even when I was skinny I was self-conscious about the fact that they were so pale. Now that I'm larger, I'm self-conscious about their size. It seems that the world did not stop spinning if my arms were showing. Except for today. I'm sure the email was not just about me. But I'm sure I was included as a focus of the email. And that just crushed me. Because I couldn't help but think but what if my arms weren't fat would it have been okay?

Another issue that was addressed was cleavage. I actually have my dress pinned together at the top so as not to show cleavage. However it's definitely not all the way up to the neck. I thought about the women who work at my school who wear traditional Muslim clothing and cover their heads, their arms and their necks. I suddenly felt very self-conscious about all that I had shown and all of my clothing throughout the year.

You wouldn't think that such a routine email could set me off so much. But PTSD is real. Having to defend my clothing, my actions, my femaleness in general just takes me back to that dark place in my life when I was a teenager who was told that I should have expected to be raped.

It affected me so much that I didn't go to work today. Then as a snowball effect I felt bad about myself for having been affected so much which made me feel even worse about myself and so on Down the Line.

I guess it was about time for this to happen. After all, I had been feeling pretty positive about myself. Pretty confident. But then I was reminded that I am a fat, strike one, woman, strike two, in a patriarchal society. It will probably always be this way, at least in my lifetime. I just hope I can get better at not letting things affect me so strongly. I'm reminded about the saying of a ship in the middle of the ocean. It is not the water that drowns the ship,

it is the water that gets in. I need to not let certain things get in. By the way, here is a picture of me in the dress.

My Life in Videos and Pictures

This is currently my favorite thing on the internet:

Just a few months ago, this would not have even made me chuckle. That's because prior to February 2016, I had never seen any part of Star Wars. 

That changed thanks to this man:

On Valentine's Day weekend, we watched Star Wars Episode IV, V and VI. A couple weeks later, we went and saw The Force Awakens in the theater. (His fourth time). We went to Studio Movie Grill, which serves dinner and drinks during the movie. That was awesome, and my boyfriend who doesn't often outwardly show excitement was genuinely excited about the whole experience.

A level of excitement I didn't see again until we went to the Dr. Who store yesterday. I have yet to see an episode of Dr. Who, but I am getting familiar with the references. 

That trip inspired me to look for Dr. Who dresses. I found these two:

But then I thought that maybe I could take my graduation dress and somehow make it into a Tardis dress with a thick black and white belt or something. 

Another video that is meaningful to me right now is this one:

And that's because it reminds me of me and my boyfriend (whose name is Geoff). Our relationship didn't start out smoothly. In fact, we ended before we really ever began. However, we stayed friends and without the pretense of a romantic relationship we were much more open and honest to each other and it just blossomed from there. In fact, I learned that I operate most of the time with high shields up around me and can keep people at arm's length. I accidentally erased the comment, but my longtime friend, Danielle, agreed with this assessment and said she felt like she was one of the very few who ever saw the real me. 

Apparently, at least one person thinks the real me shines like the sun!