What I Need Is Not Your Opinion

I am tired of living my life the way others want me to.

Travel too much; don’t travel enough

Date too much; don’t date enough

Put others first; put yourself first

I have lived in self-imposed exile for the last twenty plus years. I put the beliefs and feelings of others above my own for two decades. I’m sick of it. I am not doing it any longer.

I make my own money. I have a job that requires enormous emotional stamina for an amount of pay that doesn’t begin to fairly compensate, but I have an occasional week or weeks off to recharge. Telling me that doing what I want during this time is selfish? That I spent the last time off away from my boyfriend, so I should spend this time off with him? But then someone else says that my boyfriend will never have time off because he has kids, so I should forget about going anywhere ever again until they are older? Fuck that. 

I am 39 years old. I have been single for the majority of that time. I don’t have children. I don’t own a home. I only started my career three years ago. Most of this is because I was so emotionally crippled after being raped as a teenager and not getting the help and support that I needed from anyone, including my family. I finally feel like I can live again, and you want me to live the way you think I should? Fuck that.

Yes, I will take a trip to Cambodia by my fucking self. I will sleep in a capsule in Tokyo by my fucking self. I will drive to Canada without my boyfriend or his kids because he says they can’t handle the trip. I will take my boyfriend to a nice bed and breakfast with my own fucking money. I will let my boyfriend’s kids go to day care instead of watching them all day on my day off. I will stay in the fucking house because I’m tired as shit if that’s what I want to do.

I have made the choices to create this life. You didn’t have protected sex and got pregnant? Not my fucking problem. You decided to get married as a teenager? Not my fucking problem. You left your husband for the babysitter? Don’t fucking look at me.

I have worked my ass off to get through high school, college, graduate school and teacher training to get my career. Don’t look down your nose at me at how I spend my money. Don’t make comments like, “It must be nice”. You weren’t saying that when I was up all night working on my master’s thesis were you? Or when I was falling asleep in the elevator on my way to work at Taco Bell during college. Or when I was taking care of my love’s disabled mother after he died. How about when I was celibate for seven years because I didn’t think anyone could possibly find me attractive?

Oh, but I sure heard different opinions during this time.

I don’t need your opinions, I need your support.
I don’t need your judgement, I need your love.

If you can’t give me that, then I don’t need you.