Blood Moon

Holy shit! I just had the most amazing date. Dinner and then to a park to watch the sun set and then the blood moon eclipse. I've been home for an hour, and I still feel tingly all over. This super moon is supposed to bring change into our lives. I hope this is the beginning of a great positive change.

Psych

Yesterday I got promoted at work. A 12% raise, an office, and no more lesson plans. Yes, please. 

Sounds great, right? Then why did I feel like I was going to throw up and needed to take a nap for the next week, after perhaps taking a Xanax?

I don't handle good news well. When I bought my first laptop computer, I took it out of the box and thought I was going to pass out. When my Dad told us kids that he was buying us a Nintendo, I damn near cried. Mom said it looked like I had just won a game show. After my Masters graduation ceremony, I had to take a nap. 

Because I always have impeccable timing (not), I had requested today off for a psychiatrist appointment. Apparently there is a shortage of psychiatrists in this part of the country and I had to be on wait list for a few months to see this one. 

On my way in, I shuddered at the thought that I might say something "wrong" and end up getting hospitalized. Then I remembered that psychiatrists only talk to a for a few minutes anyhow, so there was little chance of that happening. 

I ended up in the office for over an hour. I forgot this was an initial consultation, and they basically ask you to give them your life story, along with that of the rest of your family. At the end, there were three people in the room, the main guy, the med student, and the main guy's boss (?) maybe. They asked about intrusive thoughts, flashbacks and nightmares. Intrusive thoughts happen every day. I had to think about the other two. I have nightmares every so often, maybe about once a week. Flashbacks, less often. They suggested a medicine to help with flashbacks and nightmares. I got the prescription but said I didn't know if I would fill it.I just wanted to have it so I didn't have to wait months to get back in. 

I came home and took a nap, and I shit you not, I had a nightmare. I dreamt that Bill Cosby raped me. Wtf. I actually experienced the act happening. Horrifying. 

I am functioning these days, but I feel like I'm always waiting for the other shoe to drop. I'm terrified that I will fail in my new position. They said that I really need weekly psychotherapy but there are no evening hours which would mean I would have to leave work an hour early once a week. I'm just scared to ask for that. If it was for diabetes treatment, I don't think I would be scared to ask. I would demand it. I'm only going to say it is for a dr appointment and not specifically what it's for, but I just worry. 

We decided to keep my meds as is for now, and I can add the anti-nightmare medicine if I want to. 

I came home and took a nap, naturally. 

When he no longer loves you

Came across this video that was made from the article below it. "Watching Your Ex Fall in Love with Someone Else on Social Media"

https://www.facebook.com/SOML/videos/vb.571035253040893/657607704383647/?type=2&theater

http://www.buzzfeed.com/kirstenking/watching-your-ex-fall-in-love-with-someone-else#.cwNMo7bPp


Well, in my case, it went as far as seeing your ex have a baby with someone else.

Even as he was telling you that he would be your "back up plan" and father your child if you didn't find "the one" before your baby making days were over, he already had a bun baking in someone else's oven.

This shatters you; not only because he was deceitful, but also because your fantasy of "in a few years" or "sometime in the future" is gone. Gone into the eyes of a beautiful baby that is not yours.

Now you know you'll never have his child. You know there is no future for you, too. That dream you had about him eventually moving to America when his first child turned 18 (which was now just a few years away); the fantasy clocks starts over now... 18 more years? No, you know that's ludicrous. But it's always been ludicrous.

And like the writer of the article, I too, felt like I was REALLY the love in his life, and she was just the back up plan. If only we lived closer. I told myself, that like Carrie in "Sex and the City", I was the "complicated" one and she was the "convenient" one.

"I couldn’t digest that he could fall in love with someone else while I still loved him. At that point, I didn’t understand love could be one-sided like that. I couldn’t imagine he told her the things he told me, or looked at her the same way.

In my deluded state, I actually felt sorry for her. This poor girl’s boyfriend is in love with his ex, I thought. It’s funny how easy it is to believe the unbelievable when it hurts less.

I pictured him lying in bed, staring at the ceiling, wishing the girl lying next to him was me. It was easier to imagine he was sleeplessly staring at walls, searching for me in his bed, than to believe the truth: He wasn’t thinking of me at all."

Fantasy

I used to have this fantasy. I was in a pretty flowered sundress; knee length, with a white cardigan. My red hair is long, mostly straight with just a few flawless curls from the curling iron.I am on a fantastic international trip; Northern Ireland to be exact, for a very important reason, like a seminar or class or training. I am in a local Tesco in Derry. I have to pick up a few essentials to bring back to the hotel. Who do I happen to come upon during my visit? Ronan working as a security officer. I see him before he sees me. I go up to him, pretending to be just another customer. As he turns around and sees me, I see the change in his eyes and face as her realizes who I am. I can't help but blush a little and smile. He's surprised that I'm there. He gives me a hug and starts asking about what brings me here. I tell him my very important task to complete whilst I'm there and we exchange pleasantries. I can tell by the way he looks at me that he's still in love with me. I can tell by the sadness behind his eyes that he's sorry I'm not his. I feel my heart pounding in my chest and all those butterflies I had when we first met come fluttering back, but I try my best not to show it. I am not the young girl I was once when we first met. I am a professional with a decade of life experience since we last touched. I now wear glasses and own a washer and dryer. I'm not here for you, Ronan. I'm here for my very important reason as part of my meaningful life (without you). Though I did know you worked here, and I may have come to this store with the hopes of seeing you, I don't want you to know that. The smile on your face that seeing me has brought to you and the fact that you so clearly want to be with me, but know that I will not take you back is what I have been hoping for. My appetite is satiated. I go on with my important, professional, adult life and smirk quietly to myself.

That is where my fantasy used to end. Now I have added:
Then I introduce him to my fiance, who is American, dashing, and a professional with a graduate degree, who is not intimidated by the fact that Ronan is my ex, but rather amused. He knows it was long ago and during the days of my roaring twenties and finds it interesting that I dated an Irishman. He gives Ronan a hearty handshake and then excuses himself to go find something in the store while Ronan and I finish our conversation. After he walks away, Ronan asks when is the wedding, and I tell him the date. I can tell he is sad as he tells me he is happy for me. He knew I would eventually find the one. In his heart, he is wishing it is him. In this fantasy, in my heart, I'm glad that I no longer wish that.