Reflections

Merry Christmas! Ho, ho, ho and all that jazz. Today has been a nice day, both weather and other wise. My poor brother has to work today at the casino. I have an interview tomorrow up here near my parents' house. I don't know if my suit will fit after all the eating we did last night and today. Now everyone is sleepy.
The photo is of the house I moved into earlier this year. It's nice and pretty, though I only live in the top part.

I finally got around to scanning some things I've been meaning to scan, so here are so pages from my scrapbook from London 2001, when I lived there for six months on the BUNAC work program.









Here are some of our house in London:








And of course, there are the sites, like Big Ben and Trafalgar Square


All good fun! Nice to have the time to sit down and reflect, hope you all have had that sort of time this Christmas. Merry Christmas!

Realm of Redheads

I like the one that says "Consider the hair color a WARNING label"

A look at the Travels

I mentioned the big letdown in my last post referring to all the excitement of my travels. I've come into the current century and digitized some of these photos, which I will share. Bear with me if this doesn't work quite right - yahoo photos just "upgraded" and we all know how that works.

Travel photos Most are from London and the first ones aren't cropped, but they are cropped later in the album. It's still a work in progress.

In other news: apparently I'm not the only American with a soft heart.

The Big Letdown

I'm at my parents' house scanning old photos. Right now I'm working on photos from London 2001. It looks like I had a lot of fun. I am reminded of the pubs, the people, the good times. I'm browsing thru my online albums, see photos of Northern Ireland, me and Ronan kissing and I'm like, wow, that must have been nice. Meeting a boy and having a romance in Northern Ireland. Sounds exciting. Then I look at my life now, my efficiency apartment in the Midwest, crappy job, or lack thereof and well, it doesn't quite hold up to the memories of my days in lands far, far, away.

I had very different visions of where I would be at this point in my life. I'm going to be 30 next year, and I feel like a 19 year old just starting out. This is really not how I imagined my life would be.

On the other hand, I am quite thankful for what I have and that I am close to family and am healthy and happy and such. It's just when I think about "life" I get very nervous b/c of the thirty mark around the corner and wonder what will my life be? When my time is up, what will my life have been? How will I be remembered? What will I have accomplished? Did I live a happy, loving life?

I guess working on the family tree isn't helping my existential crisis, either. You sum up a person's life by birth, death and marriage dates and maybe an occupation. I guess I'm just scared that my time is dwindling away and I don't know that I've done all I want to do. I'm sure I'm not the only one who fears the end of existence. It makes me long for the days when I was "invincible" and had eternity in front of me.

This is also what I get for having a week off and spending it at my parents' house! My goodness, those are some depressing thoughts. Reminds me why I moved out in the first place, even if it was to an efficiency apartment in the middle of the middle of the country. C'est la vie...

Black Friday

The best and worst of Black Friday MSN Video story.

Black Friday is the day after Thanksgiving. It is supposed to be the busiest shopping day of the year. It traditionally marks the beginning of the holiday shopping season. More and more, though, the sales are starting earlier and retailers are even opening on Thanksgiving day to lure in customers. Five years ago, there wasn't a store in town that was open on Thanksgiving, now it's becoming commonplace.

Because of all the hype of Black Friday, some folks say, "no way" to going shopping that day. This spreads the retail joy across the entire week. Some people continue to get up at the crack of dawn for these super duper "early bird" specials just because it is tradition. And some are just crazy mad for sales and hype and getting up at the a*s crack of dawn for a super deal on a blender for Aunt Edna. To each their own.

No, I didn't go out this year. I stayed in and hid from the crazy people who trampled themselves for a Play Station 3 or Elmo doll or whatever the heck else. No thank you, I've bought little gifts throughout the year and I'm making most of them anyways. Besides, it's a lot funner to watch Black Friday than to experience it!

Happy Thanksgiving!

In honor of Thanksgiving, here are some e-cards that I thought were pretty funny! Of course, I'm easily amused.

My favorite! Make sure you have your sound on and don't forget to click on each of the acorns.

Turkey Time

Fun with Taters It's the guys from my favorite one doing another one of their bits.

American Entree Search My favorite turkey stars on this card are the first and fourth stars.

Singing Thanksgiving Chins Be sure to watch the Bloopers!

Maxine and her giblets

Yee haw! Happy Thanksgiving! :-)

Dems Rock the House

Yay, Democrats take over the house! Rumsfeld resigned, Dennis Hastert isn't going to be Speaker and Dick Cheny went hunting again. Wowee what a day.

On a more personal note, I had quite a day myself. I am applying for rental assistance thru the township trustee and man do they make you jump thru some flaming hoops. My appointment was this morning and the lady almost made me cry by saying, "well if you don't have that form from your landlord, we're done". And I was like, huh? I thought I could get a three day extension, and she's like, "weren't you already in here for an extension" No, I wasn't. Oh, she blushes and says, "I thought you were already in here for an extension." For f*ck's sake, give a girl a heart attack, will you? And if I had not listened intently last time I was there, or not had the balls of steel I seem to have, I might have retreated out of that office with my tail between my legs crying in my beer (in my rent arreared apartment!) Man, people piss me off.

Right, so then I go to library to use the puter and who messages me but the man I can't seem to get out of my head no matter how hard I try - Ronan. Then we start chatting about the good times and my heart starts going a flutter and I'm like, damnit, I can't do this to myself again! So then I call Mike to discuss the matter and he was sh*tty and said, "Sabrina, if you want to keep getting hurt going back to the same men over and over, that's your choice." After I got over how rude he was, I thought, he's right. There are so many men in the world, in this country, in this city - why keep stabbing myself in the heart for someone who can't put his money where his mouth is (or typing fingers). As I left the building, I looked up and there was this really cute guy holding the door open for me. Yes, I thought, there are other choices and chances, I want true happiness. I see marriage proposals on tv and hear people talk about their own and I think, man, I didn't have that. I backed Ronan into a wall and he said, okay. And whenever the going gets tough, he retreats into the darkness only to reappear after sufficient time has passed that I may have forgotten the time before. He even did it in our online conversation today. When I mentioned how bad my last visit was, he suddenly had to go to the store. When I brought up something like broke my heart last time, he had to go. I absolutely abhor bringing those things up, I don't mean to dredge up the past, but those are huge things that I still don't understand and there's no way I could ever entertain the notion of Ronan again until those things are resolved. I think he knows that, but he has no intention of resolving them, he wants to have a nice chat online so he can feel the warm fuzzies (and other things) while we're online, then go back to his life, whatever that may be. Not me, I fell too hard for that business and I can't do it again. God, I can't even believe I'm typing this now. Ronan? Really? Did I actually allow him to get under my skin for two seconds again? Why am I such a hopeless romantice - or fool? Hey Ronan, if you read this - I resent you my last email, which I told you during our online conv. I came to the library tonight hoping to see a reply, which was not there. If you really want me, you need to do more than casually type a few words from your computer and get your ass on a plane and come here to America and get me flowers, let me show you around my city and make me an actual part of my life, not the dirty little secret from the messenger archives.

And that was all before lunch. I went twirling this evening. And I took a nap. I tend to do that when my emotions run high. Curse my bleeding heart!

Election Day

So did you get your vote on today? I did, but I can't say that it was well informed, or informed at all for that matter. Somehow we have gotten so detached from the process and people who represent us and make the rules that govern our lives. I guess that happens when everything is going pretty much alright. I guess I see, once again, how American privilege has led to ignorance becoming bliss.

I just got back from a long weekend at my parents' house. Was nice to spend time with the fam. While I really wanted to go to home for a visit, I had originally planned to spend a day with my old college boyfriend. However, the stress of the possible meeting was beginning to outweigh the potential benefits, so I decided to head north earlier than anticipated.

Well, it's late, I'm off. Have to walk to my car across the street in the parking garage. Why do parking garages always seem unreasonably creepy? I'm getting the heebee jeebies just thinking about it. Curse my computer addiction and my lack of one in my apartment ;-)

Spot on

I came across this article today by chance. It sounds strangely familiar...

This week's problem
I've just finished studying an intensive four-month course in Scotland where I fell completely in love with a man - but now I'm so confused about how he feels about me. When we do meet up, we have the most amazingly wonderful times together – the sex is incredible, too - but then he can go for two weeks without calling me. When we were together our relationship was so intense, because we saw each other every day on the course. But now it's all over, it seems as if he's lost interest. His friends all say he really likes me – and when we go out together I feel like we are meant to be –everything feels magical and perfect.

Despite being intelligent and good-looking, he's been single for several years. Could it be that he just doesn't want to settle down and should I be looking elsewhere? I can't stop thinking about him, and I feel so frustrated by the fact that he doesn't want to instigate more meetings with just the two of us. Can you help?
So Frustated

Dear So Frustrated,
Oh dear, you've got it bad and two emotional-psychological things strike me immediately: compartmentalisation and expectations. Some people are excellent at compartmentalising parts of their life. Men are particularly good at this. Compartmentalisation is a psychological technique where some people manage their lives by sticking things in separate compartments with clear boundaries. And never shall the bits-and-pieces of their lives meet! That's why when a man is out for a night with the boys he doesn't think about his beloved girlfriend or wife at home. No, he enjoys a good evening out! And with your Scottish lover-boy he's managed to stick you in a neat little compartment.

Expectations are the emotional part of the equation. Your expectations are high for a romantic relationship with him. You're completely in love, have amazing times and sex with him and everything "is magical ". All these ingredients mean you want a 100% full-on relationship. The funny thing is he probably enjoys all those things when you're with him but when you're not it's "out of sight and out of mind". His expectations are to have a great time when he's with you and a great time when he's not.

Where does this leave you? Unfortunately it leaves you on the verge of obsessing about him -I think you're probably already in this place. Quite frankly what we can't quite have, we want even more. Particularly with the heady mix you feel of passion, love and sex. You believe life would be a happier, shinier place with him in it completely. That's fantasy-thinking because what you had was an intense period of time together doing the same course. The reality is you need to find out what his expectations are. Then you're in a position to decide whether you're beating your head against a brick wall or there's a chance for genuine love.

How do you go about finding out?
So you don't freak him out it's best to plan what you say, then write it down and read it back. Put yourself in his shoes. Will your words cause him to panic? Be honest with yourself. You may want to rethink them and ratchet down the emotional tone.
Once happy with what you want to say then practise it until you feel confident.
Now choose a time when you two will be on your own and there's no pressure to rush through what you want to say. Don't make it a big deal, instead make it a positive experience for you both - sipping nice wine, chilled out, and then you speak confidently about where you and he see the relationship going.
That's the best you can do and hope he gives you an honest answer. Ultimately if he fluffs around and things continue in the same vein you've got your answer anyway - he just doesn't care as much for you as you do for him.

Sharing a Bed

Sharing a bed: It's not all about sex.

News article

I remember in college I would get sick from Jonathan's waterbed. I swore that I was having seasickness and would sleep in the twin bed in the computer room. I told him he didn't have to come with, but he did, and the two of us smooshed together in there. This happened about a half dozen times before he decided to do a little experiment. He said it was impossible for me to get sea sick from a water bed and thought the whole thing was psychosomatic. I told him to shut up and get a real bed. (Not really - I used to be nice).

Anyhow, his experiment involved the two of us sleeping together in his waterbed - without having sex. Without the pressure of whether or not it was going to happen: without the emotions around it. Just us sleeping. I'll be darned if my sea sickness wasn't cured. At that time, sharing a bed meant sharing more. Now it's more about stealing the covers!

Out with the old...

In my birthday post, I mentioned the mall I was working at ten years before. The destruction of the mall has begun, as evidenced in the photo above.







The anchor store, Carson's is still open for business.

The other side of the mall wasn't torn down at the time of the photos, and I tried to get a peek in and capture what was left of the hangout of my youth.









Of course, near the end, it was merely a shadow of its former self. At the time of closing, there were only five stores other than Carson's. It started a swift plunge down in 1996 when Walgreens closed. Walgreens was removing all of its mall store and going toward free standing buildings to further expand its twenty four hour/seven day a week store base. Instead of replacing it with a comparable store, it was rented to "Bargain Books", which didn't even bother to make the store look different. It used the racks and cases Walgreens left behind. It was a disaster. First, one restaurant in the food court left and was never replaced. Then another. Then big chain stores like KayBee toys and Lerner New York left. They were replaced with cheap dollar stores of the "fell off the truck" variety. Like dominoes, they all fell down.

A WalMart was built right behind Woodmar, and a grocery store right next to that. A Home Depot just down the block opened earlier this year. Woodmar Mall is set to be replaced by some sort of strip mall sort of thing. Sure, it's only a mall, a building; but to me, it was a memento of my coming of age. When we moved here when I was 11, I would walk to the mall with my friends, no parents. That was where we hung out, took photos in the photo booth, met boys, got to buy what we wanted and learned how to be the people we would become. Its destruction is a painful reminder, that like Woodmar, my childhood is now just a memory.

Roots and Weeds

I have been working on my family tree for some time now. I always knew I was from Irish descent, and had bits and pieces of possible English heritage, but never delved much further. While living in England, whenever I had contact from people from Northern Ireland, I felt a certain connection. I felt like the Northern Irish were "my people". Of course, then I moved to Northern Ireland for a little while, and I was hoping to make my own roots there, or more accurately, a return to them. At that time, though, I had no proof, only a feeling and some unfounded family history.

Through genealogical websites like ancestry.com, genealogy.com, and various rootsweb sites (which is part of ancestry.com), there are vast amounts of resources available with the click of a mouse, if you have the money to pay for it. Ancestry.com memberships can be as high as $40 a month with a minimum requirement of a year. Rootsweb sites are generally free, but are very specific. For example, you can't just go to the site and plug in a name and see what comes up. You have to know where to look and for whom you're searching. I have learned a lot through the rootsweb site for the county of Alabama from which many of my most recent ancestors descend.

But what about when you don't really know where they are from?

Ancestry.com has a feature called "One World Tree" (owt). People submit their own family trees and compare notes. Eventually one of your branches will link to someone elses, and if you are a paid member, you can add that other person's entire tree to your orchard, in effect making one world tree.

I recently discovered that my local library has ancestry.com library edition. I can access this plethora of information with just my library card. My tree has grown by many branches since this discovery. At first, I started out by looking at direct records, such as census data and birth and death indexes. That worked up until the early nineteenth century. The U.S. didn't even become the U.S. until 1776, and they didn't get around to censuses until the mid 1800s. I thought I was going to go back a few generations and get to the Irish and English stuff, but I was starting to get the idea my ancestors came over on the Mayflower! So where was I to get my info now?

One World Tree. I could put in the name of my ancestor and there could be up to a hundred people who had that name in their tree. Since most of these people had been working on this far longer than me, they had done extensively more research and had sources like church records, family bibles, and random books and paper records in the town where this ancestor lived.

One complaint often voiced about One World Tree is the amount of mis-information. Once someone submits a tree, it is there for the world to see regardless of its accuracy. What often happens is if someone is the only person with info on a particular family line, other people will copy that info. Now suddenly there are a dozen trees with the same info. You see this number of corroborating evidence and think, "well, it must be true if that many people have it", but really it all comes from one uninformed source.

For example, I was so happy to finally find proof of that emotional kinship I felt with Northern Ireland when I located one world tree entries of my ancestors from Ulster. I added the info to my tree, then sent a request to a volunteer in Northern Ireland via the site Random Acts of Genealogical Kindness (raogk.org). We went over a few of the details and she said that she had never heard of the place where one of my ancestors was reported to have been born. The place was, "Gatsyde Allancy, Albra, Ireland". She noted that although some places had various names and spellings, there was nothing even close to this in Northern Ireland. I started my own search on google, where a half dozen or so entries came up, all referring to the birthplace of this same person. Google asked me if I meant Gatsyde Allancy Alba Ireland, and when I tried that, nothing came up. Puzzled, I broke the phrase down into smaller pieces and found that this place was not in Ireland at all, but in Scotland. Alba was an old name for Scotland. So those half dozen entries that came up on my google search, which, by the way, were on sites other than ancestry, all had the exact same misinformation.

I don't think one can blame the uninformed source, or even the genealogists who source that source. Just be aware that this resource is a lead and not absolute. More importantly, source your information - even if you did get it from John Smith on One World Tree who got it from Sue Jones who got it from Mary Brown. Then, at least whoever views that information will know where it came from. Even when you have official records, there can be errors. Whether it is clerical, intentional or just the census taken misunderstanding what your ancestors with those really think southern accents were saying, mistakes happen. With this, as in many other things in life, you have to take the good with the bad, sort the roots from the weeds and make your own decisions.

Note: photo above from message board posting and originates from a Japanese website where a rabbit owner discovered his pet's talent for being able to balance things on his head.

Sweet like Licorice

Visit Licorice's myspace page.

A little bit of this....

Rare photo of Florence Nightingale

Condom warning

Toby Keith Lyrics
"A Little Too Late"
I can humble myself enough to envision one of my exes saying these words...

It’s a little too late,
I’m a little too gone,
A little too tired of just hangin’ on
I’m letting go while I’m still strong enough to
It’s got a little too sad,
I’m a little too blue
It’s a little too bad
You were too good to be true
I’m big time over you baby
It’s a little too late

There was a time,
this heart of mine,
would take you back every time
don’t you know
It’s been two packs of cigarettes
a sleepless night
a nervous wreck, a day ago.
Now you ain’t got no business coming around
I’m closing up shop
Shuttin’ us down

I’m big time over you baby,
It’s a little too late

Word of the Day for Wednesday August 2, 2006

supercilious \soo-puhr-SIL-ee-uhs\, adjective:
Disdainfully arrogant; haughty.

The girl has a supercilious expression, and seems to be looking down her nose at the camera.
-- Annie Dillard, For the Time Being

Hot, hot, hot

A heat advisory is on until tomorrow evening. My shopping trip with the residents had to be canceled due to extreme heat. I already had one person pass out on me last week...don't need that again.

I've been working hard on my family tree and now I think I realize why none of my family likes to talk about our family - you might not like what you find out. Sure, everyone loves to find out about their ancestors from foreign lands, but knowing that your great grandparents were first cousins, not something you want to revisit. (That's not what happened in my case, for the record, no, even better, but I won't share or my family may shoot me.)

In other news, I picked up a temp assignment at my former university. I start on Monday and it should last four to six weeks. It will be in the same building that I spent most of my time in. I think it may be a bit weird going back, but we'll see - at least I know my way!

Keep cool, folks. Stay very still and very close to air conditioning.

Easier Each Year

Well, maybe not so much easier, as just... different. On this day thirteen years ago, I was sexually assaulted by my ex-boyfriend and my life was changed forever. I used to be consumed with absolute sadness and terror on this day and could barely drag myself out of bed. I've come a long way from there, but it's just different. It's less obvious. Instead of crying and hiding in my room, I don't cry, but am so scared at night, I put furniture in front of my door to keep people from coming in (in case the lock doesn't do the trick.)

It dawned on me that thirteen years as a rape survivor is almost as long as I lived before the attack. That is sobering news, because always my life has been defined as before and after. "After" was just this difficult time that I was going to eventually get over and go back to the way I was before. Sure it had been a few years, but these things take time, I'll look back on this period one day and see it as a hump I went through. But now... now that "after" is nearly as long as "before" - and really how much did I take in from age zero to three - I'm starting to get the idea that there is no going back. There will never be a "before" again. Was "before" even trauma free? Was before all that great? Am I just conveniently using this event to punctuate my life when it could be many other things that start and end the different chapters. I think I've had more than two chapters in this life of mine, and I think the last few have more going for them then "rape survivor". The book of my life doesn't read so simply, and that's a good thing. I'm slowly starting to realize all of this, but the connection from my heart to my head isn't always on (whose is, right?) so it will still be awhile before it all clicks. Before I stop taking things out on my body. Before I stop putting furniture in front of the door. Before I stop thinking of myself as damaged. Maybe one day I won't be afraid to just be all of me and really, truly believe that is enough.

Never Eat Soggy Waffles

I just switched wallets and was moving my stuff over to this cute little wallet I had purchased while in the UK. Carefully taking each item piece by piece, I found a new home in every slot and pocket. Unfortunately, when I got to the money I realized that my dollar bills wouldn't fit properly since this wallet was made to hold British Pound Sterling notes, which are shorter. D'oh. I've forgotten about details like this in the two years since I've returned to the U.S.

As a result of this little incident, I had this weird dream. I was dropped in the middle of nowhere and was desperately trying to find my way. I could remember the acronym used to identify the order of compass directions, "Never Eat Soggy Waffles". I learned that from one of my older cousins in Alabama when I was kid. It helps you remember that starting from the top going clockwise is North, East, South, West. So I know once I figure out one of the directions, I'll know the others. Unfortunately, without knowing any of my surrounding, my usual bearings for determining North/South/East/West were not there. I just know that certain streets in my area run certain ways. I also know that the shopping center called Purdue West is on the West side of campus. West Lafayette is on the West side of the river, etc., etc. In this dream, I could not find my way. Even though I had some of the answers, I had no starting point, so what I knew was useless.

So what is my starting point? For that matter, what is my ending point, or goal? I've begun the process of applying for law school. This process picked up again after a previous weird dream, but never mind that. Oh, and by beginning the process, I took out a book from the library on the LSAT, know when the next test is and when to apply. I have not yet opened that book or began studying or registered for the test. I know what school I want to attend, just not which of the two branches. I know when I want to start, Fall 2007. I'm just not sure how what is going on in my life at this moment fits in with that. I'm wondering if I should change my direction to help me get to my goal. Working part time is not making the situation any easier. I was holding on until the position (maybe) goes full time at the New Year, but even so, if I'm going to law school in August of that year, I'll be full time for a mere eight months, and benefits don't even start until three months in. It's time to face the facts, I've got to get a new starting point. Knowing the destination doesn't do any good if you don't know how to get there.

Birthday Girl

Today is my birthday and I am turning 29 for the first time! Woohoo! I was thinking back to my 19th bday and I was working at Hallmark in Woodmar Mall which has now been knocked down and I bought myself some helium balloons b/c I always wanted some when I was making them for somebody else.

Just got out of work, we went swimming which was fun. I stayed after supper and helped a few people work on their family trees.

It's Thursday, which is party night here in this college town, and I've already nearly run over a few kids carrying their Neon Cactus mugs to the bar!

Well, I better get to the getting. I've got to get to working on everything I want to do before I'm out of my twenties ;-)

Difficult Day

Another resident died later that day we found out about the first one. Both funerals were today.

Tomorrow is a holiday here in the U.S., of course, the 4th of July, or Independence Day. I will be working tomorrow, trying to have fun activities for the residents especially since today and the last week have been so difficult. We'll see how it goes.

This too, shall pass...

We lost one of our residents today. She passed away last night.

I understand this is the circle of life, and she's in a better place, but I'm still very sad.

Home Sweet Home

The state that produced Dan Quayle - should I be surprised?

This is my home, people. This is where bureaucracy makes a $5 dispute cost over $1 million. Insane.

And my birthplace was just saved from a terrorist plot. Leave one type of madness for another, I suppose.

Buy One Get Six Free

Happy Summer! I was just reading this story about celebrating the soltice at Stonehenge, and it shows a picture of a girl up against one of the stones. I thought no one was allowed up there, but then I see that they began allowing full access again in 2000, which is the year I was there, so it must've been after my visit :-( Then I started thinking, hmm, I would like to go sometime, funny, haven't I ever been in England on June 21st before? Then I remembered, yes I have, in fact the year I went to Stonehenge I was there on that date, but I paid my visit in May. D'oh! It was a school organized thing, and it didn't even dawn on me about the whole solstice thing. Oh well.

Fourth of July is quickly approaching, so firework shops are turning up everywhere. Where my parents live, which is right at the state line, they are popping up like weeds. Large signs with bright colors and many banners offering deals like buy one get six free. I've never seen an offer like that offered in other context. See, it's illegal to buy fireworks in the neighboring state, so people flock over the state line and get the goods. In fact, even though it was legal to sell and buy fireworks in our state, until this year, it was illegal to light them. A local paper referred to it as the wink, wink, nudge, nudge arrangement. Earlier this year, though, the governor passed legislation which now makes it legal to set off fireworks and (of course) put a tax on the sale of it. This tax will go towards training for firefighters on how to do with firework incidents. Interesting, eh?

Jonathan is coming to visit this weekend. He'll be in town helping a friend move. Haven't seen him in "a dog's age", as he says, so it should be interesting.

It is hotter than heck here. It should be illegal to go outside in this weather, you can't even breathe. I just hold my breath til I get to the air conditioning of my car. Ridiculous. Since this is a prairie state, and this is extreme weather, a tornado watch is now in effect for the area. I mean, can we just have the heat and maybe pretend like we're in a tropical state? Well, in that case, maybe we'd be looking out for hurricanes. Oh well.

Til next time.

To Dads, with love

Happy Father's Day! Mom and Dad are out having breakfast. I have to check my car and see if I actually remembered to bring Dad's present. D'oh! Everyone seems to be running these really sappy commercials about Dads that are both annoying and make me want to cry! (not b/c of their annoyance, but b/c of their poignance) Nothing like a good guilt trip and pulling at the heart strings to make people spend money (I thought that was reserved for Christmas)!

The little boys (pugs) are sleeping, the big boy is sleeping (hung over) and I'm thinking about going back to bed. Since Mom was kind enough to tackle the Dad breakfast task, I have some time to kill. I really do have it easy, without kids and such. Dad had three kids by the time he was my age. One of them was approaching their teenage years (that was me), and his black hair very soon turned gray. Poor guy. I love you, Dad, Happy Father's Day! :-)

Just another Psycho Saturday

I'm visiting my parents for Father's Day weekend. I drove up this afternoon after the wedding and went straight to the barbecue at Mama Joanie's house. We all had a blast and people were passing out by ten. I'm going to the beach tomorrow with Danielle and company, which should be fun. I'm going to try and make it back over to Mama Joanie's before I leave though to do a dip in their new pool :-)

It is ridiculously hot here this weekend. Thank goodness the wedding was inside or I think everyone would've passed out. I might be sleeping on the couch here b/c upstairs gets hotter than the rest of the house. Funny, though, I live on the second floor in my apartment. Hmm... If I go to the beach, I don't think I'm leaving the water. I'm such a wuss when it comes to heat. A product of my Irish roots, I guess.

I have been really affected by the comments of some people in recent weeks. Ever since I decided on doing what everyone told me I should've done a long time ago, which is cut out relationships that go nowhere, live life the way I want to, etc, etc, I have had some negative feedback. Both Ronan and Mike called me "psycho". Call me a bitch, whore, cow, whatever, and I'll get over it, but a psycho just gets under my skin. My friends try and reassure me and say, "consider the source", but it still bugs me. I'm always open about my feelings and the effects that Post Traumatic Stress Disorder has had on my life for the past thirteen years, and when someone vile gets angry at me, they throw it right back in my face. Just when I feel like I've made some positive progress, I let things like this affect me and I wonder if I'll ever get past the "psycho" stage. Now I'm thinking, "maybe it's true, maybe I am psycho" and start looking at various things in my life and second guess every choice I make. That just leads to more uncertainty and anxiety and makes me more sensitive which allows me to be more vulnerable to people like Mike and Ronan and take hurtful things they say close to heart. How can that possibly be psychologically healthy?

Looking at this rationally, I can see that the best and healthiest thing to do is cut the cord and don't look back. No second guesses, no regrets. Unfortunately, like all humans, sometimes emotions get the better of me and that's not always a good thing. Maybe that's why Ronan and Mike say the things they do. Emotional outbursts?

I remember at a school dance a guy named David had "asked me out", which meant asking me to be his girlfriend. We had talked about starting a relationship for awhile, but I still wasn't sure. He tried to pressure me into an answer, and when I replied no, he went ballistic. The exchange was something like this:

Him: Sabrina, will you go out with me?
Me: David, I'm still not sure, we talked about this earlier today - I don't know if it's worth risking our friendship.
Him: Sabrina, I really care about you and I want to be with you. Let's do it, c'mon, just say yes.
Me: I'm not sure...
Him: Don't say that, I really like you.
Me: Don't pressure me, David
Him: I want an answer right now
Me: Seriously, don't pressure me.
Him: I'm taking an answer right now, now or never
Me: Well, then, if you need an answer right now, the answer is no.
Him: YOU STUPID BITCH. You're nothing but an ugly whore, etc, etc.

This was in front of a gym full of people and I was mortified. I'm sure he was, too, but all the words up until the expletives were said at a level where no one else could hear. Everyone heard his tirade against me and wondered what the hell I did to him.

Did I do something to him? Was my uncertainty unfair to him? Should I just have said no from the start? I really did like him, I was just afraid that things would turn sour, which they did anyways, so kind of a moot point.

And how can Ronan call ME psychotically inclined when he is the one who has disappeared into thin air a half a dozen times, without warning or explanation, then reappear some time later, acting like nothing happened.

And Mike implies I'm off balance when he asks me to lie to his girlfriend's parents and tell them that I am Mike's girlfriend, so that they don't think anything is going on between she and he, since he was her coach and is closer in age to her parents than her.

I don't know. I've always believed that everyone has the life they deserve. In cases like the aforementioned men, Ronan lives a total Jerry Springer life with his baby's mama and no job and computer games 24 hours a day and Mike has an anger problem with a too young girlfriend and has been alienated by the community for both of those things.

I guess time will tell for me. I have a job that pays very little, but I love. No romantic life to speak of, and very few close friends. Ronan said I was running low on material for my blog. Yeah, b/c I actually have a normal life now! No baby mama drama, internet boyfriends/girlfriends and lies that affect me. I'm normal and if that make me boring, hurray for boring.

Sleepy time

We went to the pool today which was super fun. I took a group of residents to the local Y and we did some water walking and aquacise and plain old splashing around, which was cool. I'm so sleepy now, b/c I feel like I've been in a warm bath. The water was 85 degrees.

It has been shaping up to be a busy summer at work. Tomorrow we go back to the Y for Bingo, which is an all day affair. I have to take one bus load clear across town, drop them off, drive back and pick up another bus load and do it again after Bingo's over. There are also free concerts on certain evenings and we are going to continue to go swimming every week. It's a lot to get in when there's only one person running the whole department. It's fun, though.

I feel like I have so much free time now that I don't talk to Mike or Ronan anymore. As much as I didn't think they were interfering with my life, I can now see that they were. My friend pointed out that I wasn't likely to meet anyone else while my time and energy was wrapped up in them, and she was right. It's only been a couple of weeks since I talked to Mike, but it feels like forever, and that's a good thing. It really is hard to imagine going back to that way of life - being consumed with people who just talk a lot of smack and do absolutely nothing to back it up.

I can't believe I just wrote "smack"! What is going on with me? :-)

Well, I got majorly screwed at work the other day. I did all the leg work to get this grant for a new piece of medical equipment and I wasn't even invited to the ceremony! I only found out about it the day before (the ceremony) and was told the nurse was giving a speech. I asked why she was giving it and not me and they said it was b/c it was medical equipment, which is understandable. Then I said, well what time is it, I still would like to go. Silence. Umm, I didn't put your name down and it's reservation only. WHAT??? I initiated the entire process, got the application, asked the nurse what she needed, wrote the grant, got quotes from the medical equipment company, turned everything in and I'm not invited!!!! Wow. I was pissed and I could tell the director was thinking, "shit, I forgot about her!" C'est la vie, I suppose. You win some, you lose some. I don't know, something like that.

Father's Day is this weekend. My family and friends are having a cookout, but I won't be attending b/c there is a wedding at work on Saturday. Two of our residents are tying the knot. Maybe I'll go after the ceremony...we'll see.

Getting more settled here in my new city. Got a table for my kitchen and a toaster oven. Registered with a doctor here. Signed up for a scrap (book) night at a local scrapbook store. Slowly but surely.

My lease is ending soon and my landlords have offered another lease, this time for a year. I've accepted, but we haven't signed anything yet.

The feeling of the "warm bath" doesn't seem to be going away, so I better succumb to it. Later gators! ;-)

Destiny Unfulfilled Part 2

I have a few more thoughts about my previous post about wondering how things may have been different had you done this instead of that; turned right instead of left, etc. There is a movie called Sliding Doors with Gwyneth Paltrow that addresses this issue. It shows how her life would have been different if she had missed a train or made the train. Butterfly Effect is another movie that tackles it in an entirely different way. I often think of that film as the epitome of Mike and me. The moral of the story at the end (in the theatrical version) is that these two people just shouldn't be together, ever. The main character keeps going back in time to try and make things right, but each time things end up screwing one person or another until he makes sure that he and this girl never speak again, as early as their childhood.

Anyhow, another real life example that I was thinking about involves Ronan. When I flew back to Belfast after going home for Christmas, I was going to take a bus to Derry, where Ronan lived. He had called me more than once each day while I was at home in America and we were supposed to get back together. He supposedly was breaking up with this girl as soon as he got home (he was also in America) and blah blah blah. So, I'm at the Belfast airport and the bus to Derry is most frequent from there, but before I go, I phone Ronan and tell him that I'm coming. He tells me not to. I tell him if I'm gonna go there to visit it has to be now b/c if I go all the way home from the airport, I'm going to fall asleep for a good day and a half before I can even consider anything. He talks like he's only looking out for my best interest and just wants me to go home to rest, trust him, he says, he just went through that jet lag and it's not fun. I'm a bit peeved, but ultimately listen to what he says and go on home. Next thing you know, I can't get hold of him for four days. He's not answering my calls, he's picking up his phone and hanging up and I have no idea what the hell is going on. It's obvious he's avoiding me, but I was so confused as to why since this whole getting back together was his idea, and he was so keen, calling me in Belfast while he was in America, calling me in America while he was there, and even when he got back. Most often, multiple times a day. After the fourth day, I said forget about it and went to Jason's for a bit of "stress relief". Wouldn't you know it, right on cue, Ronan decides to call and is pissed that I f*cked Jason. Oh yeah, the other reason why I wanted to go to Derry straight from the airport is because I was leaving for Edinburgh, Scotland within the week. It's not like we were going to be close in proximity for much longer.

Ronan said the reason he had been avoiding me was because he hadn't broke up with this girl and he wasn't sure he wanted to, so he was conflicted and avoided us both (mmhmm). He says he decided on me, broke up with her, then called me and I had f*cked Jason. Oops. Win some, lose some.

So, what if I had just gone to Derry from the airport, how would things have turned out? Would it have been better or worse? Same? I don't know, but it's one of those things I wonder about when I think of those times that could have gone either way.

Destiny Unfulfilled

We've all heard about when big things happen and people say it was destiny. My friend, Phil, the cynic, cited a comic who said, "I feel the need to walk over there to fulfill this person's destiny"; pointing out the number of circumstances that need to align for this theory to be true. It's easy enough to look in hindsight at something pivotal in your life and say that it was destiny, but what about the destiny that was unfulfilled? What about when you didn't listen to your instinct and an opportunity passed? I imagine there are many, many times, when you wouldn't even realize the moment had passed you by, because it wasn't even a near miss. But when you did see the opportunity gone, do you ever think that maybe had you listened to your intuition, your destiny would have been fulfilled?

I used to often think of the day when I was thirteen years old when I met both Mike and the guy who would later become my rapist. Given the outcome of both of those relationships, I would wonder, "what if I just stayed home that day?" Would I not have met either of them? What course would my life have taken then? Would it be better? Worse? Of course, at first I always thought it would have had to have been better. I mean who really thinks that a three year long tumultuous, borderline abusive relationship and being raped is the better of the two options?

Looking at the situation a bit more practically, even if I would have stayed home that day, I probably still would have met Mike. He lived down the street from me and we had mutual friends who wanted us to meet.

The other guy is probably a safe bet that I wouldn't have met had I stayed home that day. My two friends and I were walking around our block and came across him in an alley. Ever the socialites, my friends decided to said hello and introduce him to me, since I was the designated guy meeter. It was absolutely a chance meeting, he did not live in the area, was visiting his extended family, and I have no idea what he was doing out walking around.

So, based on the evidence so far, I might be inclined to say that yes, I SHOULD have stayed home that day because I wouldn't have met the person who would later rape me and change my life forever.

In the aftermath of the attack, I would cry and hate this person not only because of what he did to me, but more so, for taking Mike away from me. Mike and I had been off and on from the time I was 13 up until the time of the rape, which happened when I was 16. No matter how bad things got, what we did or said to each other, we would always, always, get back together. People thought we were going to get married. We'd probably need a serious marriage counselor, but still, we just seemed like we were addicted to each other. No matter how hard we tried to stay apart, to be with other people, we couldn't seem to live without each other. That was, until I was raped by the man who I met on the same day I met him.

That's a bit of a crucial point to the effect this had on our relationship because having met two guys I was interested in on the same day, I just went for the first one who made a move, and it was not Mike. As a result, I started a relationship with this other guy, while Mike watched from the sidelines. Mike and I still developed a friendship, a strong one at that; and while I never cheated, I could sense that someone was happening between Mike and I. When I tried to break up with the first guy, he threatened suicide and I took him back. Mike was heartbroken. Eventually, the guy broke up with me when it became clear that my feelings were elsewhere.

Three years later, when Mike learned that this guy (who was now a man) raped me, he was livid. When he found out the details that led to this attack, he pushed me away. I had willingly put myself in the same place at the same time with this man, and had even kissed him on my own accord. Mike and I were in one of our off phases, and while this was not unusual, the fact that I had been with this particular person was especially poignant, given the history.

Anyhow, Mike couldn't deal with it. He couldn't deal with the fact that I had been raped, that I had been with this other man, and that now I was scared to even let Mike hug me. It was over. It had never been over before, but this was the catalyst for the true end of Mike and I's relationship. I used to think, "of all the things I hate (the rapist) for, I hate him the most for taking Mike away from me". I thought it was going to be hard enough to be able to trust Mike again, now I had to go and try to trust someone else? If I had just been raped and not lost Mike, that would've been catastrophic enough in my life. If I had lost Mike and not been raped, that too, would have been a major devastation. To have both at the same time was almost too much to bear.

Years went by, and it really was over for me and Mike. I never saw him or talked to him, we shared no mutual friends anymore and I was forced to go on without him. It took a very, very, long time, but I eventually got over him and was able to trust someone again. Mike got married, I went off to college.

As the time and distance passed and I developed new relationships and could see things more objectively, I thought of the type of relationship Mike and I had, and I saw how destructive it was for both of us. No matter how hard we tried to work it out or end it and stay the hell away from each other, we just couldn't seem to make it stick. Then I realized that the thing I hated most about the rape was really one of the best things to come from it. It took that to finally end the years of emotional rollercoaster we had been on. Had we stayed together, or kept on going as we were, my life would have been different, and I don't think it would have been good or healthy for either one of us or our families.

So what if I had stayed home that day? I would've still met Mike. We still would've had one of the most tumultuous relationships in history, but I wouldn't have met the one person who was able to put an end to it.

All the drama, none of the rewards

Ronan says: boo
Sabby says: you scared me
Ronan says: :-)
Ronan says: i got ur mail
Sabby says: i know, I got ur reply
Ronan says: i was wondering
Ronan says: would u rather i didnt follow ur blog?
Sabby says: I don't really care, it's not like I can regulate something like that, and I know what's going in my life, you're the one who will be further enmeshed in it by reading it
Ronan says: i see
Ronan says: well im sorry i bothered u
Ronan says: i hope your new attitude serves u well
Sabby says: me too
Ronan says: it will most certainly keep u safe from relationships :-(
Sabby says: Hopefully the unhealthy ones that go no where that I've been in
Ronan says: alright, well since im so poisonous to you, i guess i should remove myself from ur life
Sabby says: You already have - when's the last time we spoke?
Ronan says: too long ago, i thought
Ronan says: are u ready to say goodbye ?
Sabby says: I've said it so many times with you
Ronan says: i promise u will never have to again
Sabby says: I know I won't b/c you keep pulling a disappearing act before I even know anything is wrong
Ronan says: ok
Ronan says: goodbye sabrina , i will miss you
Sabby says: I'm sure you will - say hi to the other american redheads you chat with
Ronan says: nice parting words
Ronan appears to be offline

Note: picture is from findagrave.com

A few of my favorite things

Well, in the true spirit of blog, I am going to link to some of the things I've been reading or doing on the net lately. Enjoy!

I've seen this comic, Mitch Hedberg on Comedy Central many times, and I just found out today that he passed away last year. So sad.

I absolutely love playing Pop n Drop at yahoo games.

Anaylyze your dreams. This is a dream interpretation center in Dublin, and is only one of many dream interpretation sites.

Volunteer Abroad
Sell your stuff on ebay, Amazon, or other online shops to do it.

Dig up your family tree at http://www.rootsweb.com

Help others find their ancestors by transcribing a cemetery near you.

Connect with classmates.

Read a blog! Oh wait, you're already doing that ;) Have you already checked out all my photos?

Fun with email

Here are some of the forwards I've received via email in the recent past.

Birthday Calculator
Get fun facts like when you were conceived, what your life path is and who you are most compatible with.

The following jokes, quotes, etc were forwarded to me. I am not the author. I do not know the author. You've probably read them all already, but here you go.

The Blind Man And The Naked Nuns

Four nuns were assigned to paint a room in a church. It was a really hot day and the nuns were getting really hot in those black clothes they wear so they took off all their clothes and went on painting naked. Later they heard a knock on the door....

"Who is it???",

The man who knocked replied, "I'm the blind man".

So, the nuns decided to let him in since he would not be able to see them. The nuns let him into the room....

The man then looked around the room, then looked at them and said...

"Nice racks sisters, where do you want the blinds??"

Celebrating:

A man and his wife are dining at a table in a plush restaurant, and the husband keeps staring at an old drunken lady swigging her gin as she sits alone at a nearby table, until the wife asks, "Do you know her?"

"Yes, " sighs the husband, "She's my ex-wife. She took to drinking right after we divorced seven years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since."

"My God!" says the wife, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"

Golf Balls and the Blonde:
A man entered the bus with both of his front pockets full of golf balls and sat down next to a beautiful (you guessed it) blonde. The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets. Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, "It's golf balls."
Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at him thoughtfully and finally, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, asked, "Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"

How green is the valley

"Father, it has been one month since my last confession. I have had sex with Nookie Green every week for the last month."

The priest tells the sinner, "You are forgiven. Go and say three Hail Mary’s".

Soon after, another man enters the confessional. "Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I have had sex with Nookie Green twice a week for the last two months."

This time the priest questions, "Who is Nookie Green?"

"A new woman in the neighborhood," the sinner replies.

"Very well, " sighs the priest. "Go and say ten Hail Mary’s."

At Mass the next morning, as the priest prepares to deliver his sermon, a tall, voluptuous, drop dead gorgeous woman enters the sanctuary. The eyes of every man in the church fall upon her as she slowly sashays up the aisle. Her dress is green and very short, with matching shiny emerald green shoes.

The priest and altar boy gasp as the woman in the matching green shoes sits in the front pew, with her legs slightly parted.

The priest turns to the altar boy and whispers, "Is that Nookie Green?"

The bug-eyed altar boy can't believe his ears but replies, "No, I think it's just the reflection off her shoes!"

FOUR LITTLE ANIMALS

A teacher asked her class, "What do you want out of life?"

A little girl in the back row raised her hand and said, "All I want out of life is four little animals, just like my Mom always says".

The teacher asked, "Really and what four little animals would that be?" The little girl said, "A mink on my back and a jaguar in the garage, a tiger in the bed and a jackass to pay for all of it."

The teacher fainted

How the Internet Changed My Life

As part of my study of the art of interpersonal communication, in one of my courses we began studying online communication. I used email and all, but I had never really been in a chat room, and didn't consider the Internet essential to my day to day life. I was dating Jonathan at the time, who I knew spent a bit of time on the internet. I asked him about how long he spent on the net each day and was floored when he replied, "about an hour". I thought, "what could someone possibly do on the internet for an hour at a time?"

Well, of course, that was then.

Not only do I now have a blog, a website, five email addresses, an online store and photos stored on at least three different sites; I also met no less than three of my recent boyfriends online. Bryan, Jason and Ronan, to name a few.

I met friends as well; most notably, Phil. Phil was the first person I met in "real life" after meeting him online. Jonathan used to always go to this chat room, and when I wanted to get hold of him, I would hop in there to convey whatever message I needed. (Believe it or not, this was before everyone carried cell phones to class and work.) Well, my hops in would get a little longer each time, especially when one particular cynical Brit was in the room. I really liked reading what he had to say, but was too scared to actually talk directly to him. I don't remember how or why we started chatting, but we did, and we actually became really good friends. Serendipitously, I was accepted into a London Internship program, and he lived in London, so we met in person a few months after meeting online. When I saw him for the first time, it really didn't feel like it was the first time, it felt like I was seeing a friend I hadn't seen in a long time, and it was just nice to finally get to see each other again. He had previously met up with some of the other Londoners in the chat room, so we all met up at a pub one night and had a great time. It was so interesting to me that a college student, a cardiologist, secretary and photographer (among others) came together for a night out. I had never really experienced that before.

Since my meeting with Phil was so successful, I decided to give it another go when I moved to Belfast. I responded to various ads on free friendship sites before I left the US and started corresponding with a few people. That's how I met Jason. He gave me his mobile number so I could phone when I got in, I did, and we met up.

Jason and I broke up, so I was on the prowl again. I posted an ad, Ronan replied, and we hooked up.

The one person I hooked up with in Manchester had nothing to do with the internet, but that's neither here nor there.

Anyhow, back to the story.

When I arrived back home, I was planning on moving back to Chicago, so I used online ads to search for friends and jobs. Found a job, found a friend. Friend became boyfriend, and that was Bryan.

Now whether or not the failure of those relationships had anything to do with the nature in which they started, I don't know. All my other relationships that didn't start online haven't exactly been fantastic, either.

The internet hasn't only affected my romantic life, though.

My family started a group email list, so that we could all keep in touch and share news with everyone simply by hitting "reply to all". It started out great, catching up with relatives you only speak to maybe once or twice a year, feeling the bond of family and other warm fuzzies, until the fights started breaking out. Now, I have been in the company of all of these people, even all at once, and I can say with a fair amount of certainty that they would not say these things to each other if they were actually in each other's presence; not even if they were on the phone. However, the internet provides a distance not previously experienced. Distance, yet closeness. Communicate every day, but only by reading words on a screen. It's like having all the information without any of the intimacy. That can be a recipe for a disaster; in my life, it has been.

In addition to getting into fights with boyfriends and family members, I have gotten in trouble at work for what was perceived as a negative tone in electronic communication. Furthermore, in the work setting, email, while it feels like a private thing, is actually very public. In government, it actually is public, so when I wrote a letter to my boss in response to her reprimand via email, it not only provided a scathing account of the whole department, but also became a scathing account on public record. Shortly thereafter, I was released from contract.

Last week, I received an email from my aunt who called me a liar, thief and psychopath, among other things. I was at her house just a short time prior to this, and she was nothing but nice to me.

My cousin was very offended by my putting our family tree information on a genealogical website, and in sharing her disdain with other family members, confused details and said things that weren't close to true, but still the word spread. She somehow thought that me emailing her something meant it was now available for anyone to see on the internet, which, as you know, is not true.

The other day, I passed along one of those forwards you get in email. I usually don't, but this one had the whole guilt trip attached because it was looking for a missing girl. Anyhow, I forwarded it to the people who always send me forwards. I figure, if they do it, they won't mind it. Well, I get an email back from one of them saying that it isn't true and I should check my facts before I pass something on, in that snippy way with all caps and the like and a link to the "real" story. I was a bit taken aback, but just replied, thanks for the link, lots of great info. Then she called my Mom's house that night.

I'm just confused. In conveying these stories to my Mom, she said, "maybe you should just stay off the internet".

Maybe I should.

And the world goes round

Jason is getting married this month. He is now living in America with his fiancee.

Jonathan got married in March.

While I was no longer involved with either of them at the time of their engagement (nor did I want to be), I still feel a bit affected for some reason. I don't know if it's just because I feel left behind since I'm not getting married, if it is b/c I was the relationship immediately previous to the matrimonial one.

So maybe it makes me feel like there was something wrong with me. I couldn't get them to settle down, but the next girl could. Who knows.

The only weddings I seem to enjoy are those I arrange where I work. Those are unions that defy the odds. Lately, though, it seems like a marriage of mine would be doing just the same.

Of course, I am overstating it, I'm no Bridget Jones - I think you have to be in your thirties for that. I'm just emotional today b/c I'm menstrual and b/c rent was due and I didn't have all of it, b/c we had a staff meeting and I felt put upon, b/c I wanted to drive home but had no money for gas, b/c I had an absolutely horrible dream last night, because, because, because... the planets aligned as such and while I am happy for those who I once loved, I still turn it into something that makes me feel bad about myself. It takes far less than a life long commitment to do that on any given day anyways.

The nightmare last night was about a court trial, similar to the one I actually went through. It was a trial of a couple of guys who had gang raped me. All the evidence was presented, I testified, giving painful details and the judge rendered his decision. He believed me. He condemned the men and sentenced them to 53 years in prison. I was absolutely beside myself; not necessarily b/c of the length of the sentence, but b/c someone in the criminal justice system finally believed me. And not only did he believe me, but he realized how horrific it was for me and my life and responded with such a lengthy sentence. As is the case with nightmares, things took a turn for the worse when I realized that the judge's ruling was not the final word, but merely a recommendation for the jury. The jury went on to find the defendants not guilty and did no jail time. I was crushed. I realized that now that it had actually gone to trial (instead of just the grand jury) I couldn't appeal b/c of double jeopardy. It was over. When I realized that, it was sort of a relief. I was also happy that someone (the judge) had actually believed me, and I was comforted by the fact that now it would go on record that I was telling the truth and what happened to me was awful enough to merit over fifty years in prison.

So, yes, it has been an emotional day. I managed to get enough gas in the car to drive home and playing with the pugs always makes me feel better. Here's hoping it lasts.

Traveling Woman

You may have read in a previous post about my love for playing in the water. I don't think I mentioned that in the hotel on the way down to Alabama, I got to play in the hotel pool, which was fun, even though they did turn the lights out on me. The fun's gotta end sometime. Then when we got to our hotel in Alabama, they had a pool, but wouldn't you know it, it didn't open until the day after we left.

Now I'm trying to work out a deal with the local Y to allow the residents (the people I work with) go swimming for a reasonable price. There's a free water walking session next week, which I was hoping to be a "test run" for the swim deal, but now I'm not so sure. One of my colleagues said I should only bring 2-4 people since I will be the only employee going with them. There will be a lifeguard on duty, but you still need to have almost one on one staff to resident ratio when it comes to being in the water. I don't know, maybe I'll allow them to invite one or two members of their family. That may be a good idea, for those who have family and get along with them, that would help my ratio. I guess we shall see.

So, I'm not driving up to Hammond this week because there is no group (b/c of Memorial Day) and I have been going back and forth way too much. Father's Day is coming up and I know I'll want to be there for that, so I need to plan accordingly. It's hard when I go on a weekend, b/c I have to turn right back around and drive up on Tuesday to go to group. It would be ideal to have Monday and Tuesday off so that I could just stay, but I usually have activities on one of those days and I can't really stand being there for what amounts to being nearly a week at a time. Well, it's just that I would end up spending as much time there as my own place, and plus my bladder can't handle having to wait for the bathroom until someone gets out of the shower (and finishes shaving, doing their hair, etc.)! I nearly went out to the backyard to pee the last two times I was there - (like you don't have to really go when you first wake up in the morning? Hmmm?) So, traveling is something I'm trying to do a bit less of, at least between here and Hammond, and at least until my bank account is a little less anemic. Driving 100 miles each way four times a week is fine when you're getting reimbursed, not so much when it's out of your own pocket.

It's kind of like how a sandwich always tastes better when someone else makes it...mmm...sandwich...

Later!

Take a load off

Now that is some load off my shoulders. Not just my shoulders, but my mind, heart and body - in the form of unloading a couple hundred pounds of Mike. I told him that I don't think we should be friends anymore, and his reply was right on cue, as if to assure me that I had made the right decision. He cussed me out, called me names, and told me that it was a horrible decision. The funniest part, though, is that I unwittingly recorded the first three minutes of the discussion. I have two cell phones (explain later) and I used one to call the other so I could find it. Well, apparently the one I used to call was still on and sent me a voice mail to the other phone with my side of the conversation. It was a bit surreal at first, but as I listened to it, I thought it was hilarious. The most telling bit was how little I talked. You hear me say, "Mike, it's Sabrina. Are you in the middle of something?" And then a good 60 second pause while he chatters away. Sixty seconds may not seem like a long time, but look a clock and watch the second hand go all the way around and imagine sitting on the phone silent and you can see how long it is! And this is before I said anything! This is before the ranting and raving, this is his everyday!

Anyhow, he finally hung up on me and then called a few minutes later to make sure I was sure, and I was and that was that. And no, I haven't talked to him since.

Frankly, why does he even care? He has more than a full life going on, a nineteen year old girlfriend, an ex-wife who wants her stuff back, and the NBA finals are on. And he also was quick to point out how MUCH he helped me by listening to ALL my problems and offering advice and how put out he was by it. Hey babe, you're free!

So am I.

If Heaven ain't a lot like Dixie

Alabama. The home of my ancestors. I had the great pleasure of visiting my ancestral state this past week. It was awesome! Nothing like red dirt and country pride. I got to see my relatives which is always nice and I heard Hank Williams, Jr. on the radio. To make it even more interesting, I drove to my Grandmother's old house in the woods all by myself! Didn't even use mapquest. I was so proud of myself. This was the first time I had been back to Alabama since Grandmother died three years ago, so it was bittersweet, of course, but I was able to visit her grave.

There have been lots of changes out there in the woods. Most of the roads are paved now, or at least have gravel instead of red dirt. They have "city" water, instead of well, they have 911 service, the roads are named and *drum roll* garbage pick up! Taking out the garbage used to mean hauling it in the back of the truck and driving down to the dump and hurling it over the edge. Now they actually provide a plastic bin and come pick it up for you. Will the progress ever stop?

I got to see my uncle's first born, a daughter who is now a year old. She is gorgeous. It is a bit surreal, though, because she looks a lot like I did when I was that age (I can only recall from pictures, of course) so it kind of feels like I got a glimpse into what it was like for all the family when I first came around. Weird.

When I say my roots are in Alabama, I mean my roots are really deep there! My Mom and Dad's side of the family are both from Alabama. Also, both of their sides of the family are from Alabama. I have a feeling it goes even farther back, but you get the idea.

On my Dad's side of the family, my aunt is now living in my Grandmother's house. As we sat on her porch, I noticed a fence across the road. What in the world would someone put a fence up for out here? Well, cows of course. The neighbor down the road has invested in some cows, and when they made their way over to our neck of the woods, I went up and took pictures of them. Oh and I said "moo". You gotta talk in their language, ya know?

Anytime we were driving and there were animals, my mom or aunt would say, "cows" or "horses". My mom and I were discussing the difference between a jackass, donkey and a mule... Deep thoughts. Oh and when a really big insect reached its demise on our windshield, my mom would say, "splat". Okay, it probably doesn't sound funny, but I'm laughing just typing it. Guess you had to be there.

Traveling with my mom also made me realize how many inside jokes she and I share. I stopped to explain so many of the times she and I would burst into laughter. My dad's sister couldn't believe that me and my mom would drive across the country by "ourselves" but I don't see why it is so surprising that two grown women would go to visit relatives. I guess it would've been more acceptable if a man had been with us, like my dad or brother.

On our way back home, Mom was so excited about getting home and seeing the dogs and the family. (Yes, I know I wrote dogs first) I, on the other hand, was going back to my empty apartment. No licks on the face for me! I was really jealous and considered driving up to her house, even though it is out of my way, but sucked it up and reveled in the fact that I didn't have another two hours to get home and took a nap. Nothing like it to make me feel better.

I have lots of pictures, which I hope to share soon. I know you'll be waiting with bated breath to see those cows! :-)

Love ya,
Sabby :-)

Starting Over

Not only the name of a reality show on daytime tv, but the phase of my life now. New city, new job, new car, new life. Today, my first day back from vacation, I was just slapped in the face with the reality that I have been given a chance for a whole new start and I really need to build my way up from here. It is definitely humbling, but also makes life a bit easier, so that I'm not searching for a "better" job any more, I'm not looking for a "nicer" apartment or different car. I have been given the opportunity to start my life from here. I can take it and make it what I want or I can turn this into an extension of my previous life. I will work my butt off at my two jobs, which offer low pay, but stick with them and hopefully work my way up. I will make the payments on my four cylinder Escort and be happy that I have the chance at having a new car. I will stay at my apartment and be thankful that someone gave me a place without doing a credit check, and build my credit up through them. I am thankful that my second job hired me before they got all my reference checks back which apparently weren't very good. I wanted to cry, I wanted to hide, but then I realized this is it...this is my chance. My life starts now. Starting from scratch is a whole lot better than not starting at all.

Dream a little dream (Update)

Last night I dreamt about visiting a nearby town, and when I woke up, my brother told me he had a show there. I also dreamt about people playing around in dirt and a little bit of water and then saw that scenario played out on MTV. Now those are not huge occurences, but as I sit here, job and house searching again, I wonder what really is my dream, and more importantly, will I ever experience it?

As you may or may not recall, I was working with the government regulating child care homes. That gig ended, then re-started, then ended for good. I have been searching for work since before Christmas.

When I lost my job, I contacted Ronan and I told him I could come be with him, just as he said he wanted. I had no commitments here anymore and could be out there within a week. Suddenly, he doesn't want me to come out there. I couldn't even begin to tell you why, because, frankly, I don't even know. Yet, again, I am just paranoid and being completely unreasonable for being upset about this.

The details at this point are irrelevant. All I want these days is stability. I just want a nice place of my own with a stable job that doesn't suck the life out of me. Anything above that is just a bonus.

I am so sick of the details, the drama, the angst. I just want to have a normal life. None of this wondering what he or she may or may not be thinking, what someone's actions might REALLY mean, or having that little voice in my head telling me that something doesn't seem kosher. That little voice isn't so little anymore, and these days, it is screaming and I can no longer ignore it.

So, no, Mike is never going to change. Bryan is never going to be right for me. And Ronan is practically an imaginary boyfriend.

What I haven't told anyone about Ronan is that he is living with his daughter's mother. They co-habitate as roommates and not as romantic partners, but I don't have the address to this abode, nor a landline number. The last email I received from him from about a week ago and that was only after much ado on my part. I told him that I needed to hear from him; an email, a letter, a phone call. And I got a whole lot of nothing. I still love him, and I do hope it works out, but right now, things aren't looking so kosher.

He said he was going to come visit me this month. He said this several months ago. Now, after hearing that I housesat for Mike, he says he's not sure about it anymore. Mind you, here it is, nearly the third week of February and he hasn't so much as thought about looking for plane fare, and now I am the scapegoat. Me and my dubious actions. That's how it always is going to be since I kissed Jason back in 2003. Now if I house sit so Mike can spend the week with his girlfriend, well, I'm at it again. If I question him about sharing a home with his ex, well, who am I to talk? If I need to hear from him once in awhile, well, he's not the one that cheated, now is he?

I can't live my life like that. I can't repent for the rest of my life for two seconds in 2003, which I immediately told him about and apologized for profusely. Not to mention that it is he who has ended this so-called relationship nearly ten times in the two and half years after that incident.

Just writing this now gives me a headache, so I am definitely so tired of dealing with this in my mind every day. No drama, no details. If you love me, I should feel it, I should know it, you should show it. End of story. If I have to think this much about it, it's just not kosher.