Hope everyone is well. Things are picking up over here in the Chi-town area, which is why I haven't been able to post in awhile. I am working part time in an office on the north side. I am dating someone named Bryan who is great. I'm just settling in a whole lot more, which brings me to my next point. Sabrina's Travels are over; for now anyways. My adventures in the UK are done and I am living a new life here in the city, so this blog will be ending. I may start a new one about life as a twenty-something woman in Chicago and the ups and down of trying to move up in the career world and applying for law school. We'll see.

I debated over whether to post this or not, but Ronan is having (another) baby with his (first) baby's momma's 17 year old (former) friend. Yes, it is legal in the UK to have sex with a 17 year old. Since I have no contact with him at all, that was another reason to end this blog, b/c nothing mentioned previously here is really relevant to my life anymore. I do still chat to Jason occasionally, but less and less now. I hope he does come to visit because he's never been to the U.S. and I think it would be cool.

In the meantime, though, the closest I'll get to Ireland will be at this weekend's Irish Fest in Milwaukee, Wisconsin. Bryan and I are driving up there Saturday morning.

So thanks to everyone who read this journal, and I hope you enjoyed the journey as much I did.

Remember "take care of yourself and each other." :-)
Jerry Springer

I looked up the meanings of my dreams online and they all point to this:

From www.avcweb.com

The circulatory system is affected by our female energy and because of this we see dreams often link problems in this area with mother. Mother may not have bonded properly with us at birth and because of this as an infant we feel unloved. A new infant learns how to love from mother. If mother does not give love unconditionally (e.g. white heart presented to dreamer in dream) the dreamer has missed out on a vital lesson which is likely to lead to difficulty with understanding his/her own feelings. The normal reaction is to suppress the negative feelings or lack of love from mother and to rationalize things instead of feeling them. People who operate this way find it difficult to show compassion towards others. They show love in the way they learned. If you live up to my expectations then I'll love you - if you fall short of my standards I'll withdraw my love.
The heart requires emotional flow to stay balanced and healthy. Emotional problems only lead to physical problems if balance is not restored. The flow must be in both directions! People who constantly give of themselves and never receive are as likely to develop physical problems as those who never give.

------------------------------------------
I guess Ronan was right when he said I give too much. It can't be good for my psyche. Well, right now I'm feeling really down about myself, and I'm supposed to go out with this guy tomorrow night and all I really feel like doing is hiding in my room. I'll go; I'm feeling better now than earlier, but I hate feeling like this. It comes and goes but boy does it come when I am staying at my parents' house. I'm sure loads of people feel that way and have that kind of relationship with their parents. Well, at least if I believe what I see on TV, I think so.

I never realized how much I used my glasses until I lost them. Owwee, my head hurts. I am searching and applying for jobs online and I really need those specs. How I managed to lose them when I keep them in a big ass shiny silver glasses case is beyond me. That's almost as bad as when I lost my driver's license the day after I got it renewed. Hey, I found it, so it all worked out in the end. The really funny thing, though, was although I had to get the license renewed anyways, I didn't have my old one because it got lost with my wallet in Manchester. D'oh!

My eyeballs are really killing me here, so I can't stand any more unnecessary time at the computer. Oh, I did visit the new Millenium Park in Chicago, and though I previously thought it sucked when seeing it on TV and from a distance, but when I went and experienced it, it was pretty nifty. I can actually see why the sculpture is called Cloudgate instead of 'the bean', too. ;-)

Hope all is well with everyone.

Best,
Sabrina :-)

When I was a teenager, I thought I knew everything. Most people are like this as teenagers. You're learning all this new information and it's all fresh in your mind, and it's stuff your parents don't know, and you actually know some of the answers on Jeopardy. You think you're the smartest person around. When you get college, you realize you don't know jack. In fact, after a year or two in college you realize that the more you learn the more you realize how little you know.

I was at that stage for quite awhile. Now I am back to the idea, not that I know everything, but that most people know very little and it's actually quite frightening. I ask my doctor questions he cannot answer. I go to workshops and correct the trainers. I think that something has hidden symbolism that is above my intelligence and find out it is really just nonsense. It is getting a bit disconcerting. I read transcripts of congressional hearings and see that important decisions are not based on facts or research, but on the personal views of those discussing the matter. Why isn't more research done on proposals before they are put into practice? Why don't think get tried in small doses before they go nationwide? I mean, if Taco Bell and Burger King can do regional tryouts for a new menu item, surely Congress can try it for major legislation.

But then again, maybe I just have no idea what I'm talking about and they really do know what they're doing... umm maybe.

I have an interview for a legal assistant position on Monday. Woohoo! It's so weird how every time I start leaning towards thinking "well, maybe I should go back to Northern Ireland", something like this happens that starts keeping me here. I also have an appointment to see a room in an apartment on the very same block where I grew up in Chicago. I would be across the street from the building where I spent my formative years. I'll be going to check out that place on Sunday afternoon. I really would like to drive there, but I remember parking was hellacious over that way... We shall see.

So Jason says he may come to visit me at the end of the year.  Yippee!  My Mom and Dad get comp slips from the casino for free hotel stays, so I asked Momma if I could have one for me and Jay and she agreed.  Woohoo! Jason has been such a good friend to me ever since the first day we met each other.  He has always been kind, non judgmental, and helped me come closer to accepting myself, because I see how he just accepts me as I am, as a person, not a mental case or a chick with baggage - just a person.  I would go as far to say that aside from seeing an uncircumsized penis, meeting Jason was the absolute highlight of my time in Northern Ireland.  I'm sure he's flattered ;-)  Once he finishes his Master's degree he is considering working abroad, as he can make a lot more money is his field (biomedical science) elsewhere.  He hinted at even working in Chicago.  Whether or not he was serious remains to be seen.  With each day holds new possibilities...

I am a step closer to getting that job teaching computers and I am so nervous.  I nearly fainted when I found out I had made it to the next stage and when they asked if I would indeed make a commitment of six months.  I had just been chatting online to Jason saying how I didn’t know what I was going to do next and was online researching options for going back to Northern Ireland. 

The past few weeks have been relaxing, but the cracks in me are starting to show.  When I am here, I overly worry about each member of my family.  Today my Dad came home from work early because he didn’t feel well and I became sick with worry.  He has been going to the doctor because of high blood pressure and diabetes and just started a new medication. 

The news scares the shit out of me as well.  I mean news everywhere is sensationalistic, but I swear it is even more so here.  I’m not the only one who is running scared b/c of what the media is saying either.  One of my bravest friends was seriously fearing an oncoming thunderstorm.  It’s just madness.  We are all scared shitless all the time.  I can’t take it.  No wonder I had fucking anxiety here.

Well, kids, this is my 100th post on the Blogger site.  Woohoo!  I have more from when I did the pages myself back in the early days. 

I started this post earlier in the day, and since have grown to like the idea of another stint in the big city.  I emailed a few people about apartments and even some regarding meet ups.  We shall see what comes to fruition. 

Hope all is well.  Talk to you later gators!

Love,
Sabrina :-)

An email I received with some tips on how to keep yourself safe:

Protection Tips
1. Tip from Tae Kwon Do: The elbow is the strongest point on your body. If you are close enough to use it, do! 2. If a robber asks for your wallet and/or purse, DO NOT HAND IT TO HIM. Toss it away from you...chances are that he is more interested in your wallet and/or purse than you, and he will go! for the wallet or purse. RUN LIKE MAD IN THE OTHER DIRECTION!
3. If you are ever thrown into the trunk of a car, kick out the back tail >lights and stick your arm out the hole and start waving like crazy. The >driver won't see you, but everybody else will. This has saved lives 
4. Women have a tendency to get into their cars after shopping, eating, working, etc., and just sit (doing their checkbook, or making a list, etc. DO NOT DO THIS!) The predator will be watching you, and this is the perfect opportunity for him to get in on the passenger side, put a gun to your head, and tell you where to go. AS SOON AS YOU GET INTO YOUR CAR, LOCK THE DOORS AND LEAVE.
5. A few notes about getting into your car in a parking lot, or parking garage: 
A.) Be aware: look around you, look into your car, at the passenger side floor, and in the back seat.
B.) If you are parked next to a big van, enter your car from the passenger door. Most serial killers attack their victims by pulling them into their vans while the women are attempting to get into their cars. 
C.) Look at the car parked on the driver's side of your vehicle, and the passenger side. If a male is sitting alone in the seat nearest your car, you may want to walk back into the mall, or work, and get a guard/policeman to walk you back out.  IT IS ALWAYS BETTER TO BE SAFE THAN SORRY. (And better paranoid than dead or hurt.)
6. ALWAYS take the elevator instead of the stairs. (Stairwells are horrible places to be alone and the perfect crime spot). 
7. If the predator has a gun and you are not under his control, ALWAYS RUN! ZIG- ZAG that way you’re harder to hit. The predator will only hit you (a running target) 4 in 100 times; And even then, it most likely WILL NOT be a vital organ. RUN! 
8. As women, we are always trying to be sympathetic: STOP. It may get you raped, or killed. Ted Bundy, the serial killer, was a good-looking, well-educated man, who ALWAYS played on the sympathies of unsuspecting women. He walked with a cane, or a limp, and often asked "for help" into h! is vehicle or with his vehicle, which is when he abducted his next victim.
9. Another Safety Point: Someone just told me that her friend heard a crying baby on her porch the night before last, and she called the police because it was late and she thought it was weird. The police told her "Whatever you do, DO NOT open the door."  The lady then said that it sounded like the baby had crawled near a >window, and she was worried that it would crawl to the street and get run over. The policeman said, "We already have a unit on the way, whatever you do, DO NOT open the door."  He told her that they think a serial killer has a! baby's cry recorded and uses it to coax women out of their homes thinking that someone dropped off a baby. He said they have not verified it, but have had several calls by women saying that they hear baby's cries outside their doors when they're home alone at night.  Please pass this on and DO NOT open the door for a crying baby.----This e-mail should probably be taken seriously because the Crying Baby theory was mentioned on America's Most Wanted this past Saturday when they profiled the serial killer in Louisiana.  I'd like you to forward this to all the women you know. It may save a life. A candle is not dimmed by lighting another candle. I was going to send this to the ladies only, but guys, if you love your mothers, wives, sisters, daughters, etc., you may want to pass it onto them, as well.  Ps; anyone ever seen the movie “Monster” men are at risk also…caution IS FOR EVERYONE!!!  Send this to any person; male or female, you know that may need to be reminded that the world we live in has a lot of crazies in it and it's better to be safe than sorry.

My head hurts.  From the neck up, I am just a vessel to hold mucous.  I have a bit of a cold which is really just more annoying than anything else.  I'm taking some drugs and getting some sleep. 

So I really want to get back to Northern Ireland.  I have accepted my place at University of Ulster, but I still don't know how I'm going to fund it.  I tried to do a bit of research today, but my head is just not able to handle like serious or coherent thoughts at the moment.  I have been watching VH1 for most of the day.  Dude, how did I not know that Rebecca Romijn-Stamos and John Stamos broke up? I must watch more celebrity gossip so I can catch up on all the stuff I missed while I was holed up in the UK. 

Well, now I'm making a cup of hot chocolate and Licorice is whining to go outside.  He's a scaredy cat sometimes and won't go out unless someone comes with him.  Aww, such a cutie. 

My Dad narrowly escaped a bank  robbery today.  He arrived before the police, but after the robbers left.  Scary.  He also caught the mouse in our house today.  He (the mouse) was in Licorice's bag of food when Dad found him.  He let him out in the alley.

Tomorrow our garage and shed are being knocked down to make room for the new one that will be built soon.  This means that poor Licaroo won't get to go out in the backyard until it's all finished.  So we will all have to get off our lazy asses and take him for walks all the time. 

Time for hot cocoa.  Hope all is well.

Love,
Sabrina :-)

I just had to check CNN.com to see what day it is today.  I am seriously out of sorts.  I had nightmare after nightmare last night and repeatedly woke myself up screaming.  This weekend is the 'anniversary' of the first time I was attacked.  Being here, where it happened doesn't seem to be helping matters either.  I am just trying to take one moment at a time to make it thru but I am so jumpy.  What turned out to be nothing more than a snore of mine was my dad standing over my bed yelling at me in my over anxious imagination.  I woke up completely frightened. 

I will be spending the weekend at Becky's house for her oldest daughter's birthday celebration, so maybe that will help.  Being with children always seems to put things in perspective. 

I can hear thunder outside.  It is getting louder and occurring more often;  a storm is moving in.  By the sounds of it, it is some kind of storm that will likely last all night.  Up in the attic where I sleep, it seems that you can hear every raindrop as it falls on the roof.  The windows shake when the thunder roars and the lightning seeps through the curtains as bright as the morning sunlight.  I can't help but think this would be a beautiful night to have someone curled up beside me in bed.  When you enjoy the natural phenomenon of a thunderstorm because you have nowhere to go, nor would you want to.  Everything you want in the world is right beside you, in your room, your bed, under your duvet.  Let the thunder shake the windows, the rain pellet the roof, it doesn't matter.  All that matters are the two of us in this bed. 
 
Well, the only other person sleeping in my bed tonight will be Licorice, so its not quite the same, but I'm sure we'll both be a little less frightened. 
 
I just finished watching the film Just Married.  I couldn't help but be reminded of Ronan in the character played by Ashton Kuchter.  Of course, I am a woman nursing a broken heart, so I'm not exactly the most objective person in the world, but still, it made me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. 
 
I spent the better part of today in front of a computer taking tests.  I did become certified, though. Yippee! I now have a Microsoft Office Specialist certification in Excel.  Congratulations to me. 
 
Its been a hard day.  Think it's time for me and Licorice to hit the hay.  See you later!
 
Love,
Sabrina :-)

I was so high I did not recognize,
The fire burning in her eyes,
The chaos that controlled my mind.
Whispered goodbye and she got on a plane,
Never to return again,
But always in my heart.

This love has taken its toll on me,
She said goodbye too many times before.
And her heart is breaking in front of me,
I have no choice, cause I won't say goodbye anymore.

This Love, Maroon 5
http://www.lyrko.com/index.php?popravi=30003&jz=ang

Here's another one of those email thingies I got. My score was 40.

PSYCHOLOGICAL PROFILE


Pretty cool psycho test.

Here's something that you may find interesting psychological profile don't be overly sensitive! The following is pretty accurate. And it only takes 2 minutes. Take this test for yourself and send it to your friends, including the one who sent it, and let them know who you are.

The person who sent it placed their score in the subject box. Please do the same before forwarding to your friends.

Don't peek but begin the test as you scroll down and answer. Answers are for who you are now ... not who you were in the past.

Have pen or pencil and paper ready. This is a real test given by the Human Relations Dept. at many of the major corporations today. It helps them get better insight concerning their employees and prospective employees.

There are only 10 simple questions, so .... grab a pencil and paper, keeping track of your letter answers.

Make sure to change the subject of the e-mail to read YOUR total. When you're finished, forward this to everyone you know, and also send it to the person who sent this to you.

Make sure to put YOUR score in the subject box. Ready?? Begin..

1. When do you feel your best?

a) in the morning

b) during the afternoon and early evening

c) late at night

2. You usually walk

a) fairly fast, with long steps

b) fairly fast, with little steps

c) less fast head up, looking the world in the face

d) less fast, head down

e) very slowly

3. When talking to people you

a) stand with your arms folded

b) have your hands clasped

c) have one or both your hands on your hips

d) touch or push the person to whom you are talking

e) play with your ear, touch your chin, or smooth your hair

4. When relaxing, you sit with

a) your knees bent with your legs neatly side by side

b) your legs crossed

c) your legs stretched out or straight

d) one leg curled under you

5. When something really amuses you, you react with

a) a big, appreciative laugh

b) a laugh, but not a loud one

c) a quiet chuckle

d) a sheepish smile

6. When you go to a party or social gathering

a) make a loud entrance so everyone notices you

b) make a quiet entrance, looking around for someone you know

c) make the quietest entrance, trying to stay unnoticed

7. You're working very hard, concentrating hard, and you're interrupted; do you ...

a) welcome the break

b) feel extremely irritated

c) vary between these two extremes

8. Which of the following colours do you like most?

a) Red or orange

b) black

c) yellow or light blue

d) green

e) dark blue or purple

f) white

g) brown or grey

9. When you are in bed at night, in those last few moments before going to sleep, you lie

a) stretched out on your back

b) stretched out face down on your stomach

c) on your side, slightly curled

d) with your head on one arm

e) with your head under the covers

10. You often dream that you are

a) falling

b) fighting or struggling

c) searching for something or somebody

d) flying or floating

e) you usually have dreamless sleep

f) your dreams are always pleasant

POINTS:

1. (a) 2 (b) 4 (c) 6

2. (a) 6 (b) 4 (c) 7 (d) 2 (e) 1

3. (a) 4 (b) 2 (c) 5 (d) 7 (e) 6

4. (a) 4 (b) 6 (c) 2 (d) 1

5. (a) 6 (b) 4 (c) 3 (d) 5 (e) 2

6. (a) 6 (b) 4 (c) 2

7. (a) 6 (b) 2 (c) 4

8. (a) 6 (b) 7 (c) 5 (d) 4 (e) 3 (f) 2 (g) 1

9. (a) 7 (b) 6 (c) 4 (d) 2 (e) 1

10. (a) 4 (b) 2 (c) 3 (d) 5 (e) 6 (f) 1

Now add up the total number of points.

Interpretations on next page.

OVER 60 POINTS: Others see you as someone they should "handle with care". You're seen as vain, self-centred, and who is extremely dominant. Others may admire you, wishing they could be more like you, but don't always trust you, hesitating to become too deeply involved with you.

51 TO 60 POINTS: Others see you as an exciting, highly volatile, rather impulsive personality; a natural leader, who's quick to make decisions, though not always the right ones. They see you as bold and adventuresome, someone who will try anything once; someone who takes chances and enjoys an adventure. They enjoy being in your company because of the excitement you radiate.

41 TO 50 POINTS: Others see you as fresh, lively, charming, amusing, practical, and always interesting; someone who's constantly in the centre of attention, but sufficiently well-balanced not to let it go to their head. They also see you as kind, considerate, and understanding; someone who'll always cheer them up and help them out.

31 TO 40 POINTS: Others see you as sensible, cautious, careful and practical. They see you as clever, gifted, or talented, but modest. Not a person who makes friends too quickly or easily, but someone who's extremely loyal to friends you do make and who expect the same loyalty in return. Those who really get to know you realize it takes a lot to shake your trust in your friends, but equally that it takes you a long time to get over it if that trust is ever broken.

21 TO 30 POINTS: Your friends see you as painstaking and fussy. They see you as very cautious, extremely careful, a slow and steady plodder. It'd really surprise them if you ever did something impulsively or on the spur of the moment, expecting you to examine everything carefully from every angle and then, usually decide against it. They think this reaction is caused partly by your careful nature.

UNDER 21 POINTS: People think you are shy, nervous, and indecisive, someone who needs looking after, who always wants someone else to make the decisions and who doesn't want to get involved with anyone or anything. They see you as a worrier who always sees problems that don't exist. Some people think you're boring. Only those who know you well know that you aren't.

Now forward this to others, and put your score in subject box.

Happy Belated Fourth of July! To mark the occasion, I have come back to America! Well, that's not really the reason, but I am back in America. I have to say the weather is GREAT! So bright and sunny. No matter how warm it gets over in the UK, it is never this bright. I get to wear my new super cool movie star sunglasses all the time now!

Tomorrow my parents are having a bbq for my birthday. It's not officially until Tuesday, but you know we wanted to have it on a weekend and all. I bought tiaras for party favors and a centerpiece that says "party girl". Yep, should be a good time.

My mom is going baby crazy again. I already told her and my dad that my baby won't stay with them for the weekend, but they laughed and said, "yeah, right, she'll be here all the time!" I do worry if I'll be able to stay up all the nights I need to and make it through the first few months.

I have to get another check next month and now I have to find a doctor here again. I think I'll just go to Planned Parenthood.

I'm very relaxed here and I am a far cry away from the state of nervous breakdown I was in during my last day in Salford. Here I can relax, chill out and be with my family who will help support me in my time of need. In an Easter card my Mom sent me she said I was courageous for living my life the way I chose but to remember that my home is always here. How true.

My new short 'do' 

Round 2: Retail Therapy. I spent the day at the Trafford Centre. I intended to get a manicure and get my hair cut, did neither, but still spent money. Most of the money I spent (other than for the travel there and back, which was at least £10!) was spent at Birthdays, a card shop. They actually have two stores in the one mall and I bought from both of them! I'm such a sucker for that kind of stuff.

I am at the office downtown now, taking a wee break for lunch. I just made a hair appointment at a place not far from where I live. I have been trying to get in contact with them for ages. Back in April, I saw a woman at the community fair whose hair I really liked and asked her where she got it done, and she told me about this place. My appointment is for tomorrow afternoon. When I rang and asked for first available, she said apologetically that there was nothing for Friday, but there was an opening on Thursday. I guess a lot of people get their hair done on Friday or something...

I also just got off the phone with the hair buying people. I have to send it in and then they send me a cheque. So, whether I decide to donate it or sell it, I just have to have a ponytail cut off and send it in to whichever place I choose.

In other news, I miss Ronan. I miss him a lot. Most of the stuff I bought yesterday was for him, but I don't think I'll get the chance to give it to him. Yeah, you may say that I said this or that about him, but I don't care. I just miss him. All the bullsh*t aside, I'm in love with him and he's no longer a part of my life and that makes me sad. That's normal. I miss him and I'm sad.

Well, I better get back to work. Oh, I broke the keyboard at the housing office (actually, it just broke and I was the one using it when it happened, so now I'm responsible for it. Grrr...)so I might not be able to post as frequently as I would like. Ah well, such is life...

Until next time,
Love,
Sabrina :-)

I indulged in a little retail therapy today. Damage about £20, but I'll get about £5 reimbursed and really I kind of needed at least some of the stuff...

Now that I have money, I am determined to get my hair cut this week. It is my last week here in Manchester. I sat near the fountain in Piccadilly Gardens today and took some pictures. Oh, I also had Burger King for the first time in at least six months. The cashier didn't charge me for my whopper no meat, so that was cool.

Right, so back to my hair. Last time I had it cut, I donated it to Locks of Love, which is based in the US. I am looking online now for some place to donate it in the UK, but nothing is coming up. On the Cancer Research UK site, it tells about where you can sell your hair... Hmm....

I bought some temporary hair colour during my retail therapy today. I think I'll wait until I get it cut to do it, though, b/c with all the hair I have now, I would probably need two bottles!

I bought some M&Ms today, which is super cool, b/c you don't often come across them over on this side of the ocean - only the peanut flavour. However, I am sad to report, that I think I may not be able to eat chocolate anymore. I thought it was only milk I couldn't take, but as I often drink milk with chocolate, I tried chocolate without the milk and I still got sick :-( What will this mean for my future? Will I be able to carry on? Umm, yeah, I think I'll somehow find the strength to go forth, mmhmm.

My cousin, Mary, got married last night. Congratulations! My Mom flew to Tennessee for the ceremony. I spoke to her on the phone after she arrived and it made me want to be there so bad! I haven't been to Tennessee in awhile.

So, I am going to spend two weeks in nearby Warrington where I will train at the Childrens Peace Centre learning how to deliver anti-bullying workshopsto 11 year olds. I will then deliver the workshops to over 1000 young people. I am excited about the training, but a bit nervous. I can't believe it is already time to move again. I feel like I am always moving, but that's probably because I always am! After the two weeks there, I am off to Ballycastle, Northern Ireland to volunteer with Corrymeela Community. I don't know how long I will be there, but for now it is planned for until the end of August. I did get into University of Ulster for the MA in Peace and Conflict Studies, but I don't know how I am going to fund it. We shall see what the next day holds for us all, I suppose.

Well, lots of song lyrics and meaningful quotes. Looks like another row with Ronan. Yes, somehow I allowed him into my heart again, and, as each time before, he broke it into thousands of pieces. As I mentioned in my previous post, I was in Derry for a few days last week. It was a spontaneous trip which I paid for with my weekly stipend, and was coaxed to do so by Ronan. Not that I needed much coaxing, but just to say he wanted me there as much as I wanted to be there. The first night was great, the next morning was good, but by lunchtime it was...over. He came home from work for his lunch break, and as I had been alone in his flat all morning, I was quite happy to see him and wanted to, umm, spend some quality time with him. He wanted to watch tv. I wanted to watch tv with him. He wanted me to play on the computer. He said he felt awkward. Things weren't the same. I was gutted. We'll talk about this when I get home from work, he says. I go to sleep because I don't know what else to do.

He comes home and this is where it all goes downhill. He says he needs time. He says it feels weird me being there. I ask, then, if he wants me to leave. Well, where can you go, he says? I know then that is exactly what he wants but he knows I have nowhere to go and no return ticket or money to get back. The rest of the time is spent trying to figure out where I can go and I am so shocked, hurt and devastated that I can barely go through the motions. I just want to forget about it until I leave, which I will have to do eventually anyways. He won't have it and says he doesn't want to make things complicated by hugging or touching me in any way. No, I can't lay next to him to watch tv, and I am "psycho" for being upset about it.

Another day goes by. I just can't deal with it anymore and I tell him I hate him, that I never want to speak to him after I leave here. After I get this out, I feel so much better and begin to feel like a person again. He, however, goes on like I have insulted his mother or something and sulks for days (he still is) about me saying I hate him. I say I was upset, I apologize. He doesn't let it go.

He arranges a flight for me. It is half the cost for me to leave the following day, but he uses all the money he has to get me the hell out of there.

Today I see him online and he says he doesn't love me anymore and I am psycho.

I must be to have to let you in my life again, Ronan.

Trouble is a sieve through which we sift all our acquaintances. Those too big to go through are our real friends. - Yaniv Loran

The worst way to miss someone is to have them sitting beside you, knowing you can't have them.

If something is to give light, it must first endure burning.

How you gonna win when you ain't right within? - Lauryn Hill

You do not have to be your mother unless she is who you want to be. You do not have to be your mother's mother or even your mother's mother's mother. You may inherit their chins or their hips or their eyes, but you are not destined to become the women who came before you. So if you inherit something, inherit their strength. If you inherit something, inherit their resilience. Because the only person you are destined to be is the person you decide to be.

A man who wishes to lead the orchestra must turn his back on the crowd. - Jack Lee

Never forget that only dead fish swim with the stream - Malcolm Muggeridge

They that can give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety. - Benjamin Franklin, Historical Review of Pennsylvania, 1759


http://www.coolquotescollection.com/cat/wisdom/51/

I don't know what you're looking for
You haven't found it baby, thats for sure
You rip me up, you spread me all around
In the dust of the deed of time

And this is not a case of lust you see
It's not a matter of you versus me
It's fine the way you want to be on your own
But in the end it's always me alone

I'm losing my favourite game
You're losing your mind again
I'm losing my baby, losing my favourite game

I only know what I've been working for
Another you so I could love you more
I really thought that I could take you there
But my experiment is not getting us anywhere
I had a vision I could turn you right
A stupid mission in a lethal fight
I should have seen it when my hope was new
My heart is black and my body is blue

And I'm losing my favourite game
You're losing your mind again
I'm losing my favourite game
You're losing your mind again

I'm losing my baby, losing my favourite game
I'm losing my favourite game (losing my favourite)
You're losing your mind again (I try)
I try but you're still the same (I try)
I'm losing my baby
You're losing a saviour and a saint

Cardigans, My Favorite Game

http://www.stlyrics.com/songs/c/cardigans5688/myfavoritegame229583.html

Still a little bit of your taste in my mouth
Still a little bit of you laced with my doubt
Still a little hard to say what's going on

Still a little bit of your ghost your witness
Still a little BIT of your face I haven't kissed
You step a little closer each day
THAT I can't SAY what's going on

Stones taught me to fly
Love taught me to lie
Life taught me to die
So it's not hard to fall
When you float like a cannonball

Still a little bit of your song in my ear
Still a little bit of your words I long to hear
You step a little closer to me
So close that I can't see what's going on

Stones taught me to fly
Love, it taught me to lie
Life taught me to die
So it's not hard to fall
When you float like a cannon

Stones taught me to fly
Love taught me to cry
So come on courage!
Teach me to be shy
'Cause it's not hard to fall
And I don't wanna scare her
It's not hard to fall
And I don't wanna lose
It's not hard to grow
When you know that you just don't know

Damien Rice, Cannonball
http://www.sing365.com/music/lyric.nsf/Cannonball-lyrics-Damien-Rice/277965B2EBEE3E9848256DA0000AE7E1#

Here's a cool nineties site.

Don't you hate it when you're watching TV or playing on the computer and you really have to go pee but you think you'll just wait to the commercial or whatever, but then you wait longer and before you know you REALLY REALLY have to go. Why do I do that? Why don't I just go the first time the feeling strikes me?

I received a package from my mum today. In it was a letter from my friend Angie with details about all I need to know to be a bridesmaid at her wedding. This is more complicated than I thought; especially when I am in a different country until the day.

I am looking at classmates.com. I only look at this site when I am not in America. When I am in America, in the midwest region, I tend to avoid people I went to school with like the plague. Don't get me wrong, enjoyed school and all, but I just hate 1.) the comments on how much weight I've gained 2.) explaining why I'm not married, in a serious relationship, or don't have any children 3.) why I live abroad 4.) explaining that yes, I am still a vegetarian. It's like I have to argue all these points and why should anyone have to argue their beliefs at any time, but especially to someone you haven't seen in 10 years who just run into at the supermarket. Crikey.

Right, so the point was, I check it out when I am outside of the country. It makes me feel closer to home; which is not always a good thing!

I'm also amazed at how many people's names I just do not remember. It's weird. My school wasn't big or anything, and pretty much everyone knew everyone, but I read the names, and think "that sounds familiar..." but have no idea who the person is.

Well, England lost last night :-( Out of Euro 2004. It was a good game, though, and went into double overtime and then penalties. Ronan was more than happy to see me upset at England losing, as his favourite team is anyone who plays England.

Speaking of Ronan, I just got back from Derry, Northern Ireland, this afternoon. I flew out of City of Derry airport, which is teeny tiny, and for the first time, rode on a propeller aircraft. I got really nervous when I saw a plane land and it had space for about four people. I looked around the departure lounge and saw only three of us. Uh, oh. I remembered my Dad telling me about his experience in a small plane, and he didn't like it one bit. I made a decision then and there to stick with the bigger airports, even if it was a longer drive! When the plane did arrive (my plane, I mean) it looked huge in comparison, which made me feel much better. It was all fine and dandy. I really think Derry is a great city, though, so here's a link to the youth hostel as well.

As I rolled my suitcase along the estate on my way back this evening, a group of lads from my youth project came up and asked if I was leaving. I was a bit confused because I didn't know if they were referring to my leaving in a couple of weeks or just inquiring about the suitcase. Anyhow, they seemed to think it was pretty cool that I just got back from Northern Ireland.

On my way here to the office, I ran into some more of my kids and they all had found out about my leaving. I sat outside and chatted with them for about a half hour. It was nice. I will miss the kids, they have been the best part of this experience by far.

I was talking to my lifelong, friend, Becky about chants we used to do as a kid and then I came across this site.

http://www.centerofweb.com/kids/games/picking_it.htm

It brings back memories ;-)

Interesting day. Good news first - I have been accepted into University of Ulster's MA Peace and Conflict Studies Program. Bad news - I was attacked on the estate again last night. Interesting news - I may be leaving Manchester within the week. I guess I shall just see what tomorrow brings...

God, I feel sick to my stomach. I don't think it's the pasta & sauce mix I ate, either. Damn men. I swear to God, they will seriously be the end of me.

In other news, I have been steadily applying for jobs in Chicago via email. I still haven't heard from the graduate school in Northern Ireland to which I applied. I don't even know if it is a feasible option anyways, as even if I am accepted, I haven't the slightest clue how I plan to finance it. Maybe I could give 'em a bell today and see how the process is coming along.

Ugh ----- MEN!!!!!!!!!!

And my roommate and my boss and my other boss are all doing my fricking head in. I have taken to getting up at 5 am to do things so I don't see any of them! I am supposed to be at the health centre turning in my prescription form but I am too scared to go b/c of the stuff that happened last time I was over that way. I am getting really agorophobic and find myself staying in more and more. I swear to God these damn hooligans have no idea the havoc they can wreak on people's lives. A death threat, a knife and a hatchet may be par for the course for them, but for someone like me it is crippling. Maybe I should just go home...

I am really annoyed. I am going on vacation this week because my boss is getting on my nerves.
How would you like it if your boss talked to you all the time about how you get on with your neighbours and whether or not you've paid your bills on time? Oh wait, come to think of it, he's not even my boss. My boss is actually based in the Manchester head office and I am supposed to have supervision meetings with her. And then there is the other person with whom I'm supposed to meet with, the chairperson, but he is a mirage seen only every now and again, and just when you think you've got a good view, poof, it's gone. And then of course, there is the Volunteer Director, who has been on leave for two months now. She is back in the office, but when I phoned to speak to her, the secretary was playing gatekeeper and wouldn't put me through. I left a message and a week later, I've still not heard from her.

How about this, folks? Come live on a ghetto council estate in one of the worst areas of the whole of northwest England, work with children with behavioural problems, get shit about it from your neighbours, no support from any member of management, a chastisement anytime you ask to go to a training, and oh yeah, live on £55 a week. How does that sound? Yes, please, sign me up!!!

Yet these people seem to think they are doing ME a favour. Okay, I'll stop abusing your goodwill and leave this oasis of beauty of tranquility and let you manage the forty two young people, organize work projects and trips, recruit adult volunteers from the estate and build them up so they become confident enough to start to make a real contribution to the youngsters. Go on. I've really taken enough from you kind folks already. What with the posh flat with a leaking roof, a broken door, and a wooden door acting as my bed, I really ask too much. Oh and the washing machine with no handle, the three legged table in the kitchen, the broken lamp and nightstand, I've been far too greedy.

I know I go on and on about these e-card thingees, but I think they are so funny! I am easily amused, though, especially when it comes to animals! I watch the cats and dogs around our estate and laugh with glee. Hey, it's the simple things in life, right? RIGHT??!!

Hey, hey, I'm back already. So, what did I do with all that time for myself? Well, some kids came over and I worked with them for awhile and then I took a nap. Woohoo. (That's a sarcastic woohoo, in case you didn't notice!) I really need to get back home and do some washing and cleaning up. I had wanted to do some laundry for the past couple of days now, but didn't because it was raining! I hang my clothes out on the line, ok? I could, of course, hang them on the radiator, but then they smell funny...

Tomorrow I will be going with the kids to LaserQuest. Yippee! Shooting one another with lasers is fun for all.

Better go, is starting to get dark and don't want to walk alone at night in the ghetto.

Bye, bye!

Love,
Sabrina :-)

Hello, hello. Well, I started off the day by doing another CPR course. It was good and it refreshed my memory as well as learning how to use a defibrilator, which can't be a bad thing, right? This training only took an hour and a half, but the one I did with the kids took seven hours! And this one was free. Only one other person from the community turned up, but I suppose that is better than nothing. I hadn't really publicized a lot b/c I had an upper limit of six people. Anywhoo, I'm organizing another one for later in the summer and will spread the word.

We're also organizing a community clean up day for Saturday, 26 June. I just made the flyer for that and got some nifty posters from the Tidy Britain campaign. I can't photocopy them, though, b/c our machine is all buggered. :( Oh well. The main thing I have to work on this weekend is getting a presentation together for the conference on Tuesday, but my stomach is growling, so maybe I'll have lunch first! :-)

Olka and I were supposed to be in Stoke this afternoon, but I never got the final details from the person who was picking us up, so we didn't want to run the risk of being stranded at the Stoke train station and waste four hours of travel time. Ah well.
Now I have more time for ME! Actually, I have more time to work on this presentation, which is probably what I'm going to do.

So, did everyone watch Big Brother last night? Kitten got evicted. I think the rules she broke were piddly and the real reason they kicked her out was because she's due in court this week, or there could be other reasons.

Ah well, off to lunch. Hope all is with everyone!

Love,
Sabrina

This page talks about quotes that help thru life. I was doing a search for the Einstein quote about doing the same things over again and expecting different results and came across that page. I was looking for the Einstein quote because it seems to be what so many people do, and that is what is happening here on the estate on which I'm working. They want change, they want youth to be happy, thereby not busting out windows or setting things on fire, but they don't like doing new things to make that change happen. They really want Olka and I to keep doing the things that were done before, that made no difference. Why the hell did you recruit two people from different countries, having them bring their lives, knowledge and expertise to this estate in Salford and just carry on doing what you have been doing for years? It doesn't make sense.

Anyhow, I haven't written in awhile b/c I pulled a muscle in my back and was bed ridden. :-( I couldn't even open the door for the doctor when she came and had to drop the keys out of my bedroom window! She gave me some painkillers, though, and then I was able to make my way down the hall to the toilet with an ounce of dignity. Before, I would crawl if I could get myself up that far, or else sliver like a snake. Yeah, not a whole lot of dignity going on there!

It's Bank Holiday weekend, yippee! In America, this weekend is the unofficial start of Summer. Here in Britain, it seemed to be back on May Day, or the first bank holiday during the first week of May.

So, I have applied for admission to the University of Ulster, Magee Campus, for the MA in Peace and Conflict Studies. I've only sent it off a week and a half ago, so I've not heard anything. Fingers crossed...

Well I've got a lot of entertainment gossip to catch up on, so I'll catch you all later!

Love,
Sabrina :-)

Oh these baby cards make me laugh like a schoolgirl. The problem I think with this site, or maybe it's just my computer, is that it has these annoying pop up ads and changes the homepage of your browser. It is quickly fixed, but annoying nonetheless. What do you expect for free, right?

I am not at all well and this is actually the first time I've left the house in two days. I'm still in my pajamas and my hair is sticking out, but I wanted to quickly check my email. Olka took one look at me yesterday and was like "Are you okay?" I'm just pale as a sheet and in pain, but hey, that's life. Actually, I've got to get back to bed now. Hope all is well.

This card absolutely made me cry. Aww....

I tell you how I feel, but you don't care
I say tell me the truth but you don't dare
You say love is a hell you cannot bear
And I say gimme mine back and then go there - for all I care

Fiona Apple - Sleep to Dream
http://www.neverisapromise.com/niap/lyrics/tidal/sleeptodream.htm

Seriously, Ronan, you suck. You suck really bad.

See i dont, know why, i liked you so much
I gave you all, of my trust
I told you, i loved you, now thats all down the drain
Ya put me through pain, i wanna let u know how i feel


Fuck what i said it dont mean shit now
Fuck the presents might as well throw em out
Fuck all those kisses, they didnt mean jack
Fuck you, you hoe, i dont want you back

Ya questioned, if i care
You could ask anyone, i even said
Ya were my great one
Now its, over, but i do admit i'm sad

Eamon - Fuck It (I Don't Want You Back)
http://www.lyred.com/lyrics/EAMON/F%2A%2AK+It/F%2A%2Ak+it/

You call me up and you tell me how much you love me and how much you want to be with me and that you are "crystal clear" about what you want now. You even tell me you'll go with me around the world and that you want to spend the REST OF YOUR LIFE with me. I'm dubious, as usual, but when you start talking about marriage and shit, I'm thinking, "maybe he's serious this time". You reassured me that everything was going to be fine. We talked about my immigration paperwork. I applied for my Masters at Magee, we were going to live together. I seriously feel like a complete and utter moron.

I have never been so insulted in all my life
I could swallow the seas to wash down all this pride
First you run like a fool just to be at my side
And now you run like a fool, but you just run to hide, and I don't abide

I got my feet on the ground and I don't go to sleep to dream
You got your head in the clouds and you're not all what you seem
This mind, this body, and this voice cannot be stiffled by your deviant ways
So don't forget what I told you, don't come around, I got my own hell to raise

Fiona Apple - Sleep to Dream
http://www.neverisapromise.com/niap/lyrics/tidal/sleeptodream.htm

Get outta my mouth
Get outta my head
Get outta my mind
Stop puttin' words in my head
Get outta my mouth
You're nothing but trouble
Get outta my life
Get out of me
Out of me (out of me)

TLC - Dear Lie

you really got me going, you got me so I don't know what I'm doing
yea, you really got me now, you got me so I can't sleep at night
yea, you really got me now, you got me so I don't know what I'm doing
You really got me
The Kinks
http://www.lyricsxp.com/lyrics/y/you_really_got_me_the_kinks.html

How many times do I have to say
To get away-get gone
Flip your shit past another lasses
Humble dwelling
You got your game, made your shot, and you got away
With a lot, but I'm not turned-on
So put away that meat you're selling
Cuz I do know what's good for me-
And I've done what I could for you
But you're not benefiting, and yet I'm sitting
Singing again, sing, sing again
How can I deal with this, if he won't get with this
M'I gonna heal from this; he won't admit to it
Nothing to figure out; I gotta get him out
It's time the truth was out that he don't give a
Shit about me
How many times can it escalate
Till it elevates to a place I can't breathe?
And I must decide, if you must deride
That I'm much obliged to up and go
I'll idealize, then realize that it's no
Sacrifice, because the price is paid, and
There's nothing left to grieve
Fuckin go-
Cuz I've done what I could for you, and I do know what's
Good for me and I'm not benefiting, instead
I'm sitting singing again, singing again, singing again,
Sing, sing, sing again
How can I deal with this, if he won't get with this
M'I gonna heal from this; he won't admit to it
Nothing to figure out; I gotta get him out
It's time the truth was out that he don't give a
Shit about me
Fiona Apple - "Get Gone"
http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/fionaapple/getgone.html

Why do we
Crucify ourselves
Every day
I crucify myself
Nothing I do is good enough for you
Crucify myself
Every day
And my heart is sick of being in chains

Tori Amos - "Crucify"
http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/toriamos/crucify.html

You really got me this time.

The words of a dozen love gone wrong songs fill my head as I try desperately to grasp what has happened today.

I went to sleep last night envisioning our lives together and I was awoken this morning...

I feel so beaten - defeated. Talk about flogging a dead horse. I've been through this with you at least a half dozen times. I suppose that says more about me than you.

I truly believed you when you said you wanted to spend your life with me. I thought this was the logical next step for us. I thought our time had finally come.

36 hours later you change your mind and tell me via text.

I feel like a fool - a moron. Like this will happen to me my whole life. That I will love and not be loved back the same way just as it has been in every previous relationship.

Ronan said...

“I miss the way you looked into my eyes when we were in the car together; the way you touched the back of my hair and stroked my face.”

“I miss feeling loved when you kissed me.”

This all reminds me very much of Duncan, who always “loved” me, was always apologetic and who always dumped me without warning.

Ronan as Duncan and Jason as Mike?

As my life repeats itself over and over again.

Jason loves me, a lot, but just “not that way”. Yet he is ridiculously sexually attracted to me – even more so than to his girlfriend. He flew here from Belfast just to spend one day with me.

So what do I do to stop my life from going 'round in circles? Counseling, dieting, career, school, friends – what? I feel I've done so many things that have taken me so far away form where I was before (not just physically, but mentally). Yet once my life starts going forward again, it's like the tape got stuck and I'm living it over in different places with different people, but the story is always the same.

“All around me are familiar faces, worn out places, worn out faces.” -Mad World, Gary Jules

I've met people form different countries, different cultures, all around the Western World and still my life continues to be just like it was at Gavit High School in Hammond, Indiana with the boy from down the street. Why? I've not only moved, but I've also had many life experiences which have completely changed my way of thinking and how I live my life.

Mondays. Normally I don't like Mondays (kind of like that song, though not that extreme) but I've started taking Mondays off work and they are a lot better now. I don't work forty hours a week, or at least I'm not supposed to, so I decided no work for me on Monday. I'm working today, though, but it's just meetings so not too bad. I went to the dr. this morning to get some more blood taken. I am really a wuss at this sort of thing and get all dizzy and lightheaded when they've taken like a nano-ounce of blood. Well, I am anemic after all! Anyhoo, this is to see if the iron pills are working and if the mysterious infection that was in my body before has gone or not. Then I have a meeting in a bit to discuss some new international volunteers for the fall and then at 3:30 a meeting with Groundwork to discuss a joint project.

It is a beautiful day in the neighbourhood today! We might paint our fence tomorrow with the kids. Olka says ours is the shabbiest on our street. Funny how I never noticed...

Well, I better do some work before my meeting. You know, since Monday's my day off and all!

Later gators,
Sabrina :-)

Weeeeeeeeeheeeeeeeeeeee, it's Friday! I like Friday. I like Friday because it is immediately followed by Saturday. I really like Saturday. I really like Saturday because (theoretically) I don't have to work. And then there's Sunday...
You get my point.

I've no plans for the weekend other than to go to the post office (yay, rah) and maybe grocery shopping (hold on to your hats). Oh yeah and I have to go to the bank. Seriously, the fun never stops.

I'm at work downtown at the minute. I'm technically on my lunch break, so I'm technically not breaking any rules other than the technical rule that the Internet shouldn't be used for personal purposes. Technically.

I got some more details about the WorldSmart programme. I still haven't heard about the scholarship. I think a career in phone sex is on the horizon...

Until then, though, I better get back to this do gooder job I have.

Later gators,
Sabrina :-)

Okay, so the committee meeting last night was a battle indeed. Complete with shouting matches, expletives and tears, it was a spectacle for sure. And at the centre of it was me. The tears were mine as the shouting and expletives were directed my way. I have to say, though, that it was two people against me (who are married to one another) and the rest supported me, so that's good. Other than that, it was actually a productive meeting. I was very proud that the volunteers I recruited are now already in officer positions. I also recruited another committee member whose children are in the group. Strangely enough, I repeatedly woke myself up last night because I was LAUGHING in my sleep. Really bizarre. Of course, at the time of the shouting, I was tempted to tell them to take this job and shove it, but I decided I'd wait to make a big decision until I was calmer and I decided to stick with it. The kids have no idea that this sort of stuff goes on and they are happy as ever with the work I am doing with them. That is what makes me stay. I realize that I am not a person that blends in with the woodwork. I have a strong personality and I have a strong desire for social change. I will always stick to my beliefs and stick up for them, no matter who decides they want to shout and swear at me. Bring it on.

I am busily preparing for the committee meeting tonight. These meetings are like battles for me! They always give me headaches. Anywhoo, today is pay day, but since I am not in the office today, I likely won't get it until tomorrow. Wednesday is usually my day to run errands, but as I usually don't have any money left, I can't. Hmm, I'll have to sort that out or something.

I finished typing up my notes from the weekend Alternatives to Violence course and sent them off to my groupmates.

Congratulations to Jason for finishing his exams today! Woohoo! Actually, he's probably still taking them at this very moment, but by the end of today he will likely be a much happier man.

I'm now starting the process of applying for coursework for the fall. I have been accepted into the WorldSmart program, but the funding decisions have not been made yet. We shall see.

Hope all is well with everyone. I've been on this 'puter too long, I'm starting to get a headache...

Love,
Sabrina :-)

Hey, hey! Sabrina got her groove back!

I was away this weekend at a training course and low and behold, I met someone. Yep, so I hooked up with this guy on the course and I'll spare the details because my Mum reads this (HAPPY MOTHERS DAY, MOM!) but lets just say the breaks were far more entertaining! Now I'm a happier and more calm person for the time being, so that's a plus.

Although I did get into an argument in the course (which was Alternatives to Violence) on his behalf which made me realize that I did actually like him and it wasn't just a hook up.

Anyhow, it has been a long weekend and I just came straight to the office to check my email and haven't even gone home yet, so I'm off. Oh, but I did find out that I've been accepted into the WorldSmart program starting in August which goes to 19 cities in 19 weeks in three regions of the world. Six of the cities are in Japan, which is where I am especially excited to go. So a big woohoo for that!

Miss you and love you loads, Mom, have a great Mother's Day!!!

Love,
Sabrina :-)

Hello there! Well after Mr. Ronan told me that he did not want to talk to me and even changed his phone number just in case I decided to start calling him (thus getting him in trouble w/his girlfriend), he called me last night. Of course I was sleeping, though this call was earlier than most, 1:00 a.m. I made some remark about why he was calling me and he said he'll just put the phone down then, and I responded, "you already woke me up, you might as well say something!" I don't remember what we talked about or even for how long, but I do remember that he hung up on me!

I missed the singing group tonight because I took a nap that was just a bit too long! I got home from work downtown and laid down, thinking I would rest for an hour and didn't wake up until quarter to nine! D'oh!! Tomorrow afternoon we are going swimming with the kids. Should be fun. I have two adult volunteers other than myself and Olka lined up! Hey, hey, that's what I say! I was talking to one of the mums tonight and she was asking if Olka and I ever go out for a drink, and I gave her the somber truth, that no, we never. She said she'll invite us 'round and even get some Coca-cola for me! Weehee!

I am going to some peacemaker training this weekend. Actually, it starts tomorrow night and runs all weekend. Maybe then I'll know how to deal with the people on the estate who pester me.

Well, I'm still tired, so I will go back to beddie bye. Oh dear, I just remembered I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow and work at the office. D'oh! Hmmm....I'll have to give that one a think.

Later gators!

Love,
Sabrina :-)

I am feeling depressed and I'm not entirely sure why. My usual comfort methods are not working, so now I turn to the blog to sort out the clutter in my head.

First of all, it has finally hit me that I am NEVER, EVER, EVER going to be with either Jason or Ronan again. While it may have seemed like a foregone conclusion to some, I really thought that Ronan and I would get back together. Jason and I have hit our stride as mates and that seems all fine and good but when I get down, I can't help but remember that there is another woman in his life that is higher on his priority list than moi. And Ronan, well, it has finally come to pass. He has finally given up the dilly dallying on whether or not he loves me to say that he just wants to be with his 17 year old girlfriend and that's that. Okie dokie.

In other news, my college boyfriend has recently gotten engaged. I am actually quite happy for him, but I think it is still somehow playing on my psyche as it was less than a year ago that we were last together. Oh and that I was the girlfriend immediately previous to her. Dude whatever.

So what else? Oh yes, I am completely and utterly disdained with my physical appearance. It used to just be about my body, but now its everything. I think my face is gross, my hair is disgusting, my nails are scary, etc, etc. I was talking to Jason about it and he said, "you're the only one who can do something about it." This is true. Trouble is, that when I'm feeling this down about myself, I can't pluck up the courage to to barely even leave the house.

One of my bosses is pissed off at me. It really sucks having three and a half bosses, because keeping them all happy all at the same time is damn near impossible and I am far to sensitive to have one of them pissed at me all the time.

I don't feel I am doing enough work on the estate. I wonder if I will make a difference here. I have gotten threats on my life and I have no idea what I am going to do when my time here ends in September.

I feel completely irresponsible. I have not yet posted my mum's Mother's Day card for the American Mother's Day on the 9th of May. I haven't paid my bills on time. I am completely broke until I get paid on Wednesday.

Well, I guess I can see that there are some things that are troubling me. Hmm, well I suppose that's a start.

I just want to clarify that the post from the 29th of April is from a forwarded email I received, not my own words. I decided to make that clear after someone quoted one of the lines to me in response to something I had said or done. Hey, I'm not Mother Theresa, okay? I did come to live on a council estate in one of the most deprived areas in northwest England to work with young people who are often excluded from school for having behavioural problems, but for f*ck's sake, I'm human, okay?!

Now that that's out of the way...

It is a beautiful day in the neighbourhood here in Manchester. A lovely summer day. It even put me in the mood to clean! Now that is some weather! I am really looking forward to our litter picking session later this week so we can clean up the park and then maybe when it is nice like this we can have picnics and stuff there. That would be nice.

So Thursday is the last episode of Friends in America. We're a few weeks behind here in the UK. As was the case with Sex and the City, the details of the episode were published in newspapers the day after it aired in America. Today, in one of the papers, there were details of the second to last episode where Rachel is moving to Paris and she kissed Ross or something. Have Monica and Chandler gotten their baby yet?

Will & Grace is much further behind; about 18 months. It's so annoying. I actually saw these episodes when I was still in America. Ah well, c'est la vie.

I just saw this story on CNN.com about Arnold Schwarzenegger bobble-head dolls. How funny.

Here's another article about OCD and the creative process, again from CNN.com. See, normal is only what you make of it. Normal is boring.

I want to make a book of photos of red headed women. I think that would be great. I've been checking out some of the red head websites to see if anyone has done it before.

Well, now that the sun is no longer in its peak strength, this red head will go outside and hopefully not get burnt!

Hasta la vista ;-)

I've learned....
That life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer it gets to the end, the
faster it goes.

I've learned....
That we should be glad YHWH doesn't give us everything we ask for.

I've learned....
That money doesn't buy class.

I've learned....
That it's those small daily happenings that make life so spectacular.

I've learned...
That under everyone's hard shell is someone who wants to be appreciated and
loved.

I've learned....
That the Lord didn't do it all in one day. What makes me think I can?

I've learned....
That to ignore the facts does not change the facts.

I've learned....
That when you plan to get even with someone, you are only letting that
person continue to hurt you.

I've learned....
That love, not time, heals all wounds.

I've learned....
That the easiest way for me to grow as a person is to surround myself with
people smarter than I am.

I've learned....
That everyone you meet deserves to be greeted with a smile.

I've learned....
That there's nothing sweeter than sleeping with your babies and feeling their breath on your cheeks.

I've learned....
That no one is perfect until you fall in love with them.

I've learned...
That life is tough, but I'm tougher.

I've learned....
That opportunities are never lost; someone will take the ones you miss.

I've learned....
That when you harbor bitterness, happiness will dock elsewhere.

I've learned....
That one should keep his words both soft and tender, because tomorrow he may
have to eat them.

I've learned....
That a smile is an inexpensive way to improve your looks.

I've learned....
That I can't choose how I feel, but I can choose what I do about it.

I've learned...
That when your newly born child holds your little finger in his little fist, that you're hooked for life.

I've learned....
That everyone wants to live on top of the mountain, but all the happiness
and growth occurs while you're climbing it.

I've learned ...
That it is best to give advice in only two circumstances; when it is
requested and when it is a life threatening situation.

I've learned....
That the less time I have to work with, the more things I get done.

Here are some bits from another email thingie I received:

Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't
mean they don't love you with all they have.

To the world you may be one person, but to one person you may be the
world.

Don't cry because it is over, smile because it happened (This is my mantra!!! - Sabrina)

I love you not because of who you are, but because of who I am when I am with you.

It has a been a beautiful day today. Like a real summer day, both today and yesterday. Feels nice.

I made a new photo page. Check it out!

Talked to my Mom today. I was feeling really down and stuff, but she talked to me a bit so then I felt all better :-)

Me and Olka have been getting along. She is out riding her new bike! She loves it. I am a bit too clumsy for a bike. I do want to go swimming, though.

I am going to the Lake District on Thursday. I have booked this really secluded hostel with great scenery. I can't wait to just relax and look out onto the lake and the moutains. i will probably take lots of photos.

I was supposed to be going to London tomorrow, but that fell through. Oh well, c'est la vie!

Right so things are fine and dandy here. I got first aid certified on Saturday, which is good. Seven kids did as well, which is brill(iant). I had a relaxing weekend. I decide to take today off since I've been working far more hours than I am supposed to, but now I am here in the office doing some work. I have two meetings tomorrow and a project, along with a committee meeting on Wednesday. Also, I'm supposed to have some report done by tomorrow as well. One of my bosses is really getting on my nerves, but that's nothing new because he always gets on my nerves. He accused Olka of using his 'personal' coffee and tea that is here in the office. So weird. Anyhow, neither of us took his precious teabags and he is just cross all around.

I may be going to Northern Ireland next month for work. There is a dreamscheme there and we will be visiting it. I also have to meet with someone who will be coming out to Manchester to do conflict resolution training with the kids.

I swear I feel like I've gained ten pounds in one day. Maybe I'm just bloated. I don't know, but it's starting to bug me now. It's like anytime I make a decision to lose weight, more just magically appears. I feel like I have this hidden personality that is determined to sabotage any slimming efforts.

Well, I need to get back on that report and make some flyers reminding about the committee meeting on Wednesday. Talk to you later, gators!

Lots of love,
Sabrina :-)

The moods of a woman

This is an amazing little story about
~ATTITUDE~


Jerry is the kind of guy you love to hate. He is always in a good mood and always has something positive to say. When someone would ask him how he was doing, he would reply, "If I were any better, I would be twins!" He was a unique manager because he had several waiters who had followed him around from restaurant to restaurant. The reason the waiters followed Jerry was because of his attitude. He was a natural motivator. If an employee was having a bad day, Jerry was there telling the employee how to look on the positive side of the situation.

Seeing this style really made me curious, so one day I went up to Jerry and asked him, I don't get it! You can't be a positive person all of the time. How do you do it?" Jerry replied, "Each morning I wake up and say to myself, Jerry, you have two choices today. You can choose to be in a good mood or you can choose to be in a bad mood. I choose to be in a good mood. Each time something bad happens, I can choose to be a victim or I can choose to learn from it. I choose to learn from it. Every time someone comes to me complaining, I can choose to accept their complaining or I can point out the positive side of life. I choose the positive side of life.

"Yeah, right, it's not that easy," I protested.

"Yes it is," Jerry said. "Life is all about choices. When you cut away all the junk, every situation is a choice. You choose how you react to situations. You choose how people will affect your mood. You choose to be in a good mood or bad mood. The bottom line: It's your choice how you live life."

I reflected on what Jerry said. Soon thereafter, I left the restaurant industry to start my own business. We lost touch, but I often thought about him when I made a choice about life instead of reacting to it. Several years later, I heard that Jerry did something you are never supposed to do in a restaurant business: he left the back door open one morning and was held up at gunpoint by three armed robbers. While trying to open the safe, his hand, shaking from nervousness, slipped off the combination. The robbers panicked and shot him. Luckily, Jerry was found relatively quickly and rushed to the local trauma center. After 18 hours of surgery and weeks of intensive care, Jerry was released from the hospital with fragments of the bullets still in his body.

I saw Jerry about six months after the accident. When I asked him how he was, he replied, "If I were any better, I'd be twins. Wanna see my scars?"

I declined to see his wounds, but did ask him what had gone through his mind as the robbery took place. "the first thing that went through my mind was that I should have locked the back door, " Jerry replied. "Then, as I lay on the floor, I remembered that I had two choices: I could choose to live or I could choose to die. I chose to live."

"Weren't you scared? Did you lose consciousness?" I asked.

Jerry continued, "...the paramedics were great. They kept telling me I was going to be fine. But when they wheeled me into the ER and I saw the expressions on the faces of the doctors and nurses, I got really scared. In their eyes, I read 'he's a deadman'. I knew I needed to take action."

"What did you do?" I asked.

"Well, there was a big burly nurse shouting questions at me," said Jerry. "She asked if I was allergic to anything. 'Yes' I replied. The doctors and nurses stopped working as they waited for my reply. I took a deep breath and yelled, 'Bullets!' Over their laughter, I told them, 'I am choosing to live. Operate on me as if I am alive, not dead'."

Jerry lived thanks to the skill of his doctors, but also because of his amazing attitude. I learned from him that every day we have the choice to live fully. Attitude, after all, is everything.
The next move is up totally to YOU!

From LOLfun.com Accessed on 13 April 2004

I've completely lost my faith in humanity. Forget the concrete the boys had to break the windows, on Easter Sunday, their older brothers came back with an axe. Now the family of refugees who were supposed to move in this week will have nowhere to stay. There were fires and fights and an attempted murder on the estate all over Easter. I am far too sensitive for this sort of lifestyle. The boys then turned to my house and threw a broken pool cue among other things at our windows. I actually went after them with the pool cue and told them if they had a problem to take it up with me instead of throwing things at my house. I haven't seen them since.

I'm still so hurt over Jason and Ronan. I texted Jason and said I wanted to talk and he texted back saying he was at his girlfriend's house, we'll talk later. Two days later, I still haven't heard from him. I had a phone conversation with Ronan at about 3:30 this morning but I don't remember anything except for that he got a cat and I texted him this morning asking what his text of "maybe" that he sent at about 3:30 am was referring to. I haven't heard from him either.

I had said that I would speak to neither of them. Ronan phoned and apologized after reading my website. Jason is too close of a friend and it hurt more to not speak to him. I don't know, but right now I can't stop crying and I hurt because of many things, but these two are a couple of them.

Now, I'm not sure if I wrote this before, but I started losing my faith in humanity after seeing a photo on the front page of The Guardian of Iraq citizens in Fallujah laughing and smiling as they fanned the flames of the mutililated body of an American civilian. I couldn't and still can't believe it. I wonder if I am making a difference at all. These kids live here all their lives and see violence of all sorts all the time. How can I possibly steer them away from that? Our estate is quite good and manageable, but we are only one set of houses, surrounded by council estates with all the violence and mindset that goes with it. We don't exist in a bubble and I don't know if I can tackle the poverty of the world.

First of all, whoever thought it was a good idea to put poor people all together on an estate can kiss my butt. Seriously. My mother voiced this opinion (except for the kiss my butt part) many years ago, when referring to the high rises in Chicago.

I saw this movie on tv the other night called "Erasable You" and it was a satire. One character said, "I wish all the poor people could just go to their own island and just be poor together. Wouldn't that be great?!" The idea of council estates and high rises is just that. Put all the poor people together and then the middle or high classes won't have to mix with them.

White flight is still a huge problem in the cities and suburbs of America. If a black family moves in, the neighbors say, "there goes the neighborhood" and move out to another lily white 'hood. This flight is what causes property prices to fall, but what is said is that the value of property goes down simply because a black person moved in. That's rubbish. People just don't think logically. It happened on the south side of Chicago and I read an article called, "What if we would have stayed?" referring to the masses of white families who left the south side as it became more diverse. Chicago is practically split down the middle with the south side being predominantly black, and having a bad reputation for being a hihg crime area. "oooo the south side", the north siders side with fear and pity.

Many people before me have said it, but what separates us more than anything is not race or religion, but socio-economic status. Sure everyone loved watching the Cosby's on TV because they were upper middle class. Movies or television that depict the ghetto are just referred to as "black movies" even if the stars themselves, such as eminem, aren't black. It is fanned by both sides of the fence, the poor and the rich. If I went to see a "black movie" wearing business attire, I would not go unnoticed.

However, it is also a chicken or the egg argument. Are the poor just reacting to their oppression? Are the rich just reacting to the violence they've experience at the hands of the "poor"?

The change needs to be societal. How does a society change? How do beliefs change? Sometimes there are movements which change the government, which then changes beliefs on a wider scale, slowly, such as Martin Luther King's movement for integration. Other times, the government comes first and changes beliefs.

So what can we do? What shall we do? I don't know, but I know that I definitely want to go to law school to start to find out.

Well, hello, hello everyone! It has been a busy week indeed. On the lighter side of things, I received a package from my Mom. She sent me a big chocolate easter bunny! She also sent me a card with a cute little bunny and blue bird on the front that says "For a Sweet Daughter". Awww! I was "buzzing" as the kids say. (That means really happy not slightly drunk.) I also met Prince Edward, Duke of Kent, and spoke to him about Dreamscheme. That was quite interesting. I went to Laser Quest with the kids...all 19 of them! It went surprisingly well. I was a bit worried with that number of kids, but it went well. We did a fundraiser leafletting around the neighborhood and nearby Quays. That went better than expected, but there was a bit of hitch when we got a complaint about leaflets on the ground. Doh!

On a not so light side, I witnessed a car being stolen from a mum with a preschooler, got some abnormal medical results, saw the aftermath of a bloody fight and yelled at boys with big pieces of concrete in their hands twice for breaking windows at the house opposite.

A busy week indeed.

Again, I feel the need to start my post with 'why oh why'. Why are emotions so irrational? Why can't I just make a decision and stick to it because it is the best thing for me? Why do my feelings have such a hold on me? I realize that feelings are what make people empathetic, sympathetic and kind, but right now, I wish I could just pull the emotions out of my body and place them on the shelf for awhile. I feel like I should've just let Jason go forever back in October when our romantic relationship ended. I was determined to have a friendship, though, because I enjoyed his company and because I didn't know that many people (if any) in Belfast. I thought I was doing great, and met more people, even started another relationship, but low and behold, my feelings for Jason came back to bite me in the ass, as I cheated on new boyfriend with him.

I listen to the message on my voicemail and I think, "that doesn't sound like a woman who would compromise herself for a couple of guys." I sound assertive and confident. I feel like I am able to see myself as some others may see me; living life the way I want - living in a foreign land, doing the work I want, making choices I want to make. Yet somehow, in this phase of my life, I keep allowing myself to be swallowed up by the emotions of romance.

I feel so silly that I am depressed because a boy doesn't like me. There are children starving in every region of the world, but I am depressed because a boy doesn't like me. Some of the children I work with are abused physically, emotionally and sexually, but I am depressed because a boy doesn't like me. People the world over are shitting themselves for fear of terrorism and I am depressed because a boy doesn't like me. It doesn't seem quite right.

The problem is that it is more than that. I am doing all I can to help the children I work with. I feel I am doing my little bit to help make this planet a little bit of a better place, at least for some people, or even a few people. I'm comfortable with that. What I am sad about is that there is no one there to greet me when I get home from this work, when I'm overwhelmed by all the sadness, poverty and terror in the world, there is no one there to hold me or comfort me. I am not trying to make myself out to be a martyr of any sort, I am just saying that what I miss is not Jason, not Ronan, not any of the faces in particular; the names change as the years go by, but the need to feel loved remains. It is a basic human need that I pushed away for so long. I finally opened myself up to it again, and now I miss it. I know what I am missing and it sucks; it hurts. Yes, I want to be loved. Yes, I would like to be loved by Jason and/or Ronan. But it also hurts that both of these men ended their relationship with me and are now both involved with other women. There's also the thought of "what do they have that I don't?" "Why wasn't I good enough for them?" "What's wrong with me that they didn't want me?" Then you start thinking about all the other relationships that have ended or never even began and really start to wonder whether ANYONE will EVER want you....much less want you FOREVER.

For my honors paper in Interpersonal Communication, I researched relationship dissolution (i.e., breaking up). The point was made that every romantic relationship one will ever have will end - except for one. How can we bear that? If you got food poisoning from eating jellyfish, would you eat it fifty more times hoping that the fifty first would be the time you didn't puke all over yourself?

Well, no, because there's not a whole lot to be gained by being able to hold your jellyfish. Finding a lifelong love; now that is everyone's fantasy. It is written about in most songs, books and movies regardless of genre. "All you need is love" - the Beatles song, and a Valentine's Day card sitting in my dresser drawer. What if you have everything else? What if you love where you're living, who your friends are, what you do for work... what if love is all you don't have?

Why oh why am I such a wuss? Why do I even still care? I haven't spoken to Ronan, but I did ring Jason to ask when he was sending my belongings. I did stick to task and did not chat, but oh my heart wrenches. Geez louise, why do I care?

It is such a beautiful day today. I am trying to arrange to get away this weekend. I am overly affected by things right now, including work and homesickness and I just want a break. I am going to the cinema with Hugo on Sunday evening, but I have to fill the rest of my weekend as well.

Today I was just thinking again about how my life seems to keep repeating itself. Same story, different names, faces. The angst I feel over the Ronan & Jason drama is just another one of a series of angsts felt since I was 11 or 12 years old. I just thought, 'am I always going to feel like this?' "Will life always just be a series of highs and lows, of love and hate, of trust and betrayal; over and over and over again?" Will I never find a security of love and happiness that will last for a lifetime?

Okay, it is high time I said 'hasta la vista' to the Northern Irish boys. That's it. I'm just so done with all the unnecessary drama and the pain it inflicts on me. I've been dealing with this like a masochist just allowing myself to be hurt over and over again. So that's it. Done; finito. The numbers are deleted from my phone and even though they've texted and phoned me, I've not responded. DONE DONE DONE. You both have girlfriends, so leave me alone. Take all of me, or have none of me. I'm sick of giving only the bits you need at that given time. I deserve better, I deserve normalcy. I deserve goodness and I deserve kindness. I never made any high demands of you. I never judged you based on money, looks, idiosyncracies, ex-girlfriends or personal hang-ups. All I wanted is for you to be with me.

Jason, I opened myself up to you when I was scared to open myself up to anyone. You changed your mind, and I accepted it and moved on.

Ronan, I was honest to you about what happened with Jason and up front about my 'baggage'. I fell in love with you hard and fast and was more devastated than you know when we broke up after spending the night together with your baby. Then both of you kept changing your minds and leading me in different directions before changing your mind back again.

I never stopped loving either one of you and that is why I can not do this anymore. I can't be your friend. I can't be your acquaintance. I care too much and I fall too easily.

Ronan, when you said that you were still in love with me and wanted me back, despite my deep cynicsm of your mind not changing, I fell, which is why when you rejected me only two days later, it hurt. As I hung up the phone, I shed one tear and I promised myself that would be the last one ever shed because of you.

Jason, when I found out about you and Donna today, I felt like I had been punched in the stomach and stabbed in the chest. I can't deal with that feeling everytime we speak or even one more time at all. To continue to put myself through this would be sheer stupidity and self loathing.

So, goodbye, Northern Irish boys. I think we've had some good times together, and I hope you have fond memories as well. I would even go so far to say that perhaps we learned from each other, and hopefully, you, as well as I, will take something very positive away from our relationship. I was in such a different place (emotionally) when I first arrived in Northern Ireland and you both have brought me to where I am now. You showed me about love when I was dead set against it, you taught me what it was again, and now that I know the joy of love and being loved is precisely why I won't accept less.

Goodbye and all the best.

Love,
Sabrina :-)

Okay, don't know what the hay is going on with my blog but it seems to be posting or not posting at random. Hmm... Anyhow, things here are okay. I have been sick for the last week. Went to A&E to get nebulized (or for my American friends; went to ER for breathing treatments), found out I have anemia and was whisked off my feet and then unceremoniously dumped again by Ronan, all in a week's work! Here are a couple of email thingies I received.
---------------------------------------------
Men are like .Laxatives ...... They irritate the shit out of you

Men are like ........ Bananas ...... The older they get, the less firm they are.

Men are like ........ Vacations ...... They never seem to be long enough.

Men are like ........ Weather ...... Nothing can be done to change them.

Men are like ....... Blenders ...... You need One, but you're not quite sure why.

Men are like ........ Chocolate Bars ...... Sweet, smooth, & they usually
head right for your hips.

Men are like ........ Commercials ...... You can't believe a word they say.

Men are like ....... Department Stores ...... Their clothes are always 1/2 off.

Men are like ........ Government Bonds ...... They take soooooooo long to
mature.

Men are like ........ Mascara ...... They usually run at the first sign of
emotion.

Men are like ....... Popcorn ........ They satisfy you, but only for a little while.

Men are like ........ Snowstorms ...... You never know when they're coming,
how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.

Men are like . Lava Lamps ...... Fun to look at, but not very bright.

Men are like ........ Parking Spots ........ All the good ones are taken,
the rest are handicapped.

Now send this to all the remarkable women you know, as well as to any
understanding good- natured, fun kinda guys you might be lucky enough to
know !!!!!!!!!!

--------------------------------------------------------
Subject: Donkey

One day a farmer's donkey fell into a well. The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do. Finally, he decided the animal was old and the well needed to be covered up anyway; it just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey.

He invited all his neighbors to come over and help him. They all grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well. At first, the donkey realized what was happening and cried horribly. Then, to everyone's amazement, he quieted down. A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally looked down into the well. He was astonished at what he saw. With each shovel of dirt that hit his back, the donkey was doing something amazing!

He would shake off the dirt and take a step up. As the farmer's neighbors continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it off and take another step up. Pretty soon, everyone was astonished as the donkey stepped up over the edge of the well and happily trotted off!


Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt! The trick to getting out of the well is to shake it off and take a step up. Each of our troubles is a stepping-stone! We can get out of the deepest wells just by not stopping - never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up. Remember the five rules for happiness:


1. Free your heart from hatred - forgive.


2. Free your mind from worries - most never happen.


3. Live simply and appreciate what you have.


4. Give more.


5. Expect less.


NOW - Enough of that crap.........

The donkey later came back and bit the crap out of the farmer who had tried to bury him. The gash from the bite got infected and the farmer eventually died in agony from septic shock.


MORAL OF THIS STORY............


When you do something wrong and try to cover your ass, it always come back to bite you!

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