This too, shall pass...

We lost one of our residents today. She passed away last night.

I understand this is the circle of life, and she's in a better place, but I'm still very sad.

Home Sweet Home

The state that produced Dan Quayle - should I be surprised?

This is my home, people. This is where bureaucracy makes a $5 dispute cost over $1 million. Insane.

And my birthplace was just saved from a terrorist plot. Leave one type of madness for another, I suppose.

Buy One Get Six Free

Happy Summer! I was just reading this story about celebrating the soltice at Stonehenge, and it shows a picture of a girl up against one of the stones. I thought no one was allowed up there, but then I see that they began allowing full access again in 2000, which is the year I was there, so it must've been after my visit :-( Then I started thinking, hmm, I would like to go sometime, funny, haven't I ever been in England on June 21st before? Then I remembered, yes I have, in fact the year I went to Stonehenge I was there on that date, but I paid my visit in May. D'oh! It was a school organized thing, and it didn't even dawn on me about the whole solstice thing. Oh well.

Fourth of July is quickly approaching, so firework shops are turning up everywhere. Where my parents live, which is right at the state line, they are popping up like weeds. Large signs with bright colors and many banners offering deals like buy one get six free. I've never seen an offer like that offered in other context. See, it's illegal to buy fireworks in the neighboring state, so people flock over the state line and get the goods. In fact, even though it was legal to sell and buy fireworks in our state, until this year, it was illegal to light them. A local paper referred to it as the wink, wink, nudge, nudge arrangement. Earlier this year, though, the governor passed legislation which now makes it legal to set off fireworks and (of course) put a tax on the sale of it. This tax will go towards training for firefighters on how to do with firework incidents. Interesting, eh?

Jonathan is coming to visit this weekend. He'll be in town helping a friend move. Haven't seen him in "a dog's age", as he says, so it should be interesting.

It is hotter than heck here. It should be illegal to go outside in this weather, you can't even breathe. I just hold my breath til I get to the air conditioning of my car. Ridiculous. Since this is a prairie state, and this is extreme weather, a tornado watch is now in effect for the area. I mean, can we just have the heat and maybe pretend like we're in a tropical state? Well, in that case, maybe we'd be looking out for hurricanes. Oh well.

Til next time.

To Dads, with love

Happy Father's Day! Mom and Dad are out having breakfast. I have to check my car and see if I actually remembered to bring Dad's present. D'oh! Everyone seems to be running these really sappy commercials about Dads that are both annoying and make me want to cry! (not b/c of their annoyance, but b/c of their poignance) Nothing like a good guilt trip and pulling at the heart strings to make people spend money (I thought that was reserved for Christmas)!

The little boys (pugs) are sleeping, the big boy is sleeping (hung over) and I'm thinking about going back to bed. Since Mom was kind enough to tackle the Dad breakfast task, I have some time to kill. I really do have it easy, without kids and such. Dad had three kids by the time he was my age. One of them was approaching their teenage years (that was me), and his black hair very soon turned gray. Poor guy. I love you, Dad, Happy Father's Day! :-)

Just another Psycho Saturday

I'm visiting my parents for Father's Day weekend. I drove up this afternoon after the wedding and went straight to the barbecue at Mama Joanie's house. We all had a blast and people were passing out by ten. I'm going to the beach tomorrow with Danielle and company, which should be fun. I'm going to try and make it back over to Mama Joanie's before I leave though to do a dip in their new pool :-)

It is ridiculously hot here this weekend. Thank goodness the wedding was inside or I think everyone would've passed out. I might be sleeping on the couch here b/c upstairs gets hotter than the rest of the house. Funny, though, I live on the second floor in my apartment. Hmm... If I go to the beach, I don't think I'm leaving the water. I'm such a wuss when it comes to heat. A product of my Irish roots, I guess.

I have been really affected by the comments of some people in recent weeks. Ever since I decided on doing what everyone told me I should've done a long time ago, which is cut out relationships that go nowhere, live life the way I want to, etc, etc, I have had some negative feedback. Both Ronan and Mike called me "psycho". Call me a bitch, whore, cow, whatever, and I'll get over it, but a psycho just gets under my skin. My friends try and reassure me and say, "consider the source", but it still bugs me. I'm always open about my feelings and the effects that Post Traumatic Stress Disorder has had on my life for the past thirteen years, and when someone vile gets angry at me, they throw it right back in my face. Just when I feel like I've made some positive progress, I let things like this affect me and I wonder if I'll ever get past the "psycho" stage. Now I'm thinking, "maybe it's true, maybe I am psycho" and start looking at various things in my life and second guess every choice I make. That just leads to more uncertainty and anxiety and makes me more sensitive which allows me to be more vulnerable to people like Mike and Ronan and take hurtful things they say close to heart. How can that possibly be psychologically healthy?

Looking at this rationally, I can see that the best and healthiest thing to do is cut the cord and don't look back. No second guesses, no regrets. Unfortunately, like all humans, sometimes emotions get the better of me and that's not always a good thing. Maybe that's why Ronan and Mike say the things they do. Emotional outbursts?

I remember at a school dance a guy named David had "asked me out", which meant asking me to be his girlfriend. We had talked about starting a relationship for awhile, but I still wasn't sure. He tried to pressure me into an answer, and when I replied no, he went ballistic. The exchange was something like this:

Him: Sabrina, will you go out with me?
Me: David, I'm still not sure, we talked about this earlier today - I don't know if it's worth risking our friendship.
Him: Sabrina, I really care about you and I want to be with you. Let's do it, c'mon, just say yes.
Me: I'm not sure...
Him: Don't say that, I really like you.
Me: Don't pressure me, David
Him: I want an answer right now
Me: Seriously, don't pressure me.
Him: I'm taking an answer right now, now or never
Me: Well, then, if you need an answer right now, the answer is no.
Him: YOU STUPID BITCH. You're nothing but an ugly whore, etc, etc.

This was in front of a gym full of people and I was mortified. I'm sure he was, too, but all the words up until the expletives were said at a level where no one else could hear. Everyone heard his tirade against me and wondered what the hell I did to him.

Did I do something to him? Was my uncertainty unfair to him? Should I just have said no from the start? I really did like him, I was just afraid that things would turn sour, which they did anyways, so kind of a moot point.

And how can Ronan call ME psychotically inclined when he is the one who has disappeared into thin air a half a dozen times, without warning or explanation, then reappear some time later, acting like nothing happened.

And Mike implies I'm off balance when he asks me to lie to his girlfriend's parents and tell them that I am Mike's girlfriend, so that they don't think anything is going on between she and he, since he was her coach and is closer in age to her parents than her.

I don't know. I've always believed that everyone has the life they deserve. In cases like the aforementioned men, Ronan lives a total Jerry Springer life with his baby's mama and no job and computer games 24 hours a day and Mike has an anger problem with a too young girlfriend and has been alienated by the community for both of those things.

I guess time will tell for me. I have a job that pays very little, but I love. No romantic life to speak of, and very few close friends. Ronan said I was running low on material for my blog. Yeah, b/c I actually have a normal life now! No baby mama drama, internet boyfriends/girlfriends and lies that affect me. I'm normal and if that make me boring, hurray for boring.

Sleepy time

We went to the pool today which was super fun. I took a group of residents to the local Y and we did some water walking and aquacise and plain old splashing around, which was cool. I'm so sleepy now, b/c I feel like I've been in a warm bath. The water was 85 degrees.

It has been shaping up to be a busy summer at work. Tomorrow we go back to the Y for Bingo, which is an all day affair. I have to take one bus load clear across town, drop them off, drive back and pick up another bus load and do it again after Bingo's over. There are also free concerts on certain evenings and we are going to continue to go swimming every week. It's a lot to get in when there's only one person running the whole department. It's fun, though.

I feel like I have so much free time now that I don't talk to Mike or Ronan anymore. As much as I didn't think they were interfering with my life, I can now see that they were. My friend pointed out that I wasn't likely to meet anyone else while my time and energy was wrapped up in them, and she was right. It's only been a couple of weeks since I talked to Mike, but it feels like forever, and that's a good thing. It really is hard to imagine going back to that way of life - being consumed with people who just talk a lot of smack and do absolutely nothing to back it up.

I can't believe I just wrote "smack"! What is going on with me? :-)

Well, I got majorly screwed at work the other day. I did all the leg work to get this grant for a new piece of medical equipment and I wasn't even invited to the ceremony! I only found out about it the day before (the ceremony) and was told the nurse was giving a speech. I asked why she was giving it and not me and they said it was b/c it was medical equipment, which is understandable. Then I said, well what time is it, I still would like to go. Silence. Umm, I didn't put your name down and it's reservation only. WHAT??? I initiated the entire process, got the application, asked the nurse what she needed, wrote the grant, got quotes from the medical equipment company, turned everything in and I'm not invited!!!! Wow. I was pissed and I could tell the director was thinking, "shit, I forgot about her!" C'est la vie, I suppose. You win some, you lose some. I don't know, something like that.

Father's Day is this weekend. My family and friends are having a cookout, but I won't be attending b/c there is a wedding at work on Saturday. Two of our residents are tying the knot. Maybe I'll go after the ceremony...we'll see.

Getting more settled here in my new city. Got a table for my kitchen and a toaster oven. Registered with a doctor here. Signed up for a scrap (book) night at a local scrapbook store. Slowly but surely.

My lease is ending soon and my landlords have offered another lease, this time for a year. I've accepted, but we haven't signed anything yet.

The feeling of the "warm bath" doesn't seem to be going away, so I better succumb to it. Later gators! ;-)

Destiny Unfulfilled Part 2

I have a few more thoughts about my previous post about wondering how things may have been different had you done this instead of that; turned right instead of left, etc. There is a movie called Sliding Doors with Gwyneth Paltrow that addresses this issue. It shows how her life would have been different if she had missed a train or made the train. Butterfly Effect is another movie that tackles it in an entirely different way. I often think of that film as the epitome of Mike and me. The moral of the story at the end (in the theatrical version) is that these two people just shouldn't be together, ever. The main character keeps going back in time to try and make things right, but each time things end up screwing one person or another until he makes sure that he and this girl never speak again, as early as their childhood.

Anyhow, another real life example that I was thinking about involves Ronan. When I flew back to Belfast after going home for Christmas, I was going to take a bus to Derry, where Ronan lived. He had called me more than once each day while I was at home in America and we were supposed to get back together. He supposedly was breaking up with this girl as soon as he got home (he was also in America) and blah blah blah. So, I'm at the Belfast airport and the bus to Derry is most frequent from there, but before I go, I phone Ronan and tell him that I'm coming. He tells me not to. I tell him if I'm gonna go there to visit it has to be now b/c if I go all the way home from the airport, I'm going to fall asleep for a good day and a half before I can even consider anything. He talks like he's only looking out for my best interest and just wants me to go home to rest, trust him, he says, he just went through that jet lag and it's not fun. I'm a bit peeved, but ultimately listen to what he says and go on home. Next thing you know, I can't get hold of him for four days. He's not answering my calls, he's picking up his phone and hanging up and I have no idea what the hell is going on. It's obvious he's avoiding me, but I was so confused as to why since this whole getting back together was his idea, and he was so keen, calling me in Belfast while he was in America, calling me in America while he was there, and even when he got back. Most often, multiple times a day. After the fourth day, I said forget about it and went to Jason's for a bit of "stress relief". Wouldn't you know it, right on cue, Ronan decides to call and is pissed that I f*cked Jason. Oh yeah, the other reason why I wanted to go to Derry straight from the airport is because I was leaving for Edinburgh, Scotland within the week. It's not like we were going to be close in proximity for much longer.

Ronan said the reason he had been avoiding me was because he hadn't broke up with this girl and he wasn't sure he wanted to, so he was conflicted and avoided us both (mmhmm). He says he decided on me, broke up with her, then called me and I had f*cked Jason. Oops. Win some, lose some.

So, what if I had just gone to Derry from the airport, how would things have turned out? Would it have been better or worse? Same? I don't know, but it's one of those things I wonder about when I think of those times that could have gone either way.

Destiny Unfulfilled

We've all heard about when big things happen and people say it was destiny. My friend, Phil, the cynic, cited a comic who said, "I feel the need to walk over there to fulfill this person's destiny"; pointing out the number of circumstances that need to align for this theory to be true. It's easy enough to look in hindsight at something pivotal in your life and say that it was destiny, but what about the destiny that was unfulfilled? What about when you didn't listen to your instinct and an opportunity passed? I imagine there are many, many times, when you wouldn't even realize the moment had passed you by, because it wasn't even a near miss. But when you did see the opportunity gone, do you ever think that maybe had you listened to your intuition, your destiny would have been fulfilled?

I used to often think of the day when I was thirteen years old when I met both Mike and the guy who would later become my rapist. Given the outcome of both of those relationships, I would wonder, "what if I just stayed home that day?" Would I not have met either of them? What course would my life have taken then? Would it be better? Worse? Of course, at first I always thought it would have had to have been better. I mean who really thinks that a three year long tumultuous, borderline abusive relationship and being raped is the better of the two options?

Looking at the situation a bit more practically, even if I would have stayed home that day, I probably still would have met Mike. He lived down the street from me and we had mutual friends who wanted us to meet.

The other guy is probably a safe bet that I wouldn't have met had I stayed home that day. My two friends and I were walking around our block and came across him in an alley. Ever the socialites, my friends decided to said hello and introduce him to me, since I was the designated guy meeter. It was absolutely a chance meeting, he did not live in the area, was visiting his extended family, and I have no idea what he was doing out walking around.

So, based on the evidence so far, I might be inclined to say that yes, I SHOULD have stayed home that day because I wouldn't have met the person who would later rape me and change my life forever.

In the aftermath of the attack, I would cry and hate this person not only because of what he did to me, but more so, for taking Mike away from me. Mike and I had been off and on from the time I was 13 up until the time of the rape, which happened when I was 16. No matter how bad things got, what we did or said to each other, we would always, always, get back together. People thought we were going to get married. We'd probably need a serious marriage counselor, but still, we just seemed like we were addicted to each other. No matter how hard we tried to stay apart, to be with other people, we couldn't seem to live without each other. That was, until I was raped by the man who I met on the same day I met him.

That's a bit of a crucial point to the effect this had on our relationship because having met two guys I was interested in on the same day, I just went for the first one who made a move, and it was not Mike. As a result, I started a relationship with this other guy, while Mike watched from the sidelines. Mike and I still developed a friendship, a strong one at that; and while I never cheated, I could sense that someone was happening between Mike and I. When I tried to break up with the first guy, he threatened suicide and I took him back. Mike was heartbroken. Eventually, the guy broke up with me when it became clear that my feelings were elsewhere.

Three years later, when Mike learned that this guy (who was now a man) raped me, he was livid. When he found out the details that led to this attack, he pushed me away. I had willingly put myself in the same place at the same time with this man, and had even kissed him on my own accord. Mike and I were in one of our off phases, and while this was not unusual, the fact that I had been with this particular person was especially poignant, given the history.

Anyhow, Mike couldn't deal with it. He couldn't deal with the fact that I had been raped, that I had been with this other man, and that now I was scared to even let Mike hug me. It was over. It had never been over before, but this was the catalyst for the true end of Mike and I's relationship. I used to think, "of all the things I hate (the rapist) for, I hate him the most for taking Mike away from me". I thought it was going to be hard enough to be able to trust Mike again, now I had to go and try to trust someone else? If I had just been raped and not lost Mike, that would've been catastrophic enough in my life. If I had lost Mike and not been raped, that too, would have been a major devastation. To have both at the same time was almost too much to bear.

Years went by, and it really was over for me and Mike. I never saw him or talked to him, we shared no mutual friends anymore and I was forced to go on without him. It took a very, very, long time, but I eventually got over him and was able to trust someone again. Mike got married, I went off to college.

As the time and distance passed and I developed new relationships and could see things more objectively, I thought of the type of relationship Mike and I had, and I saw how destructive it was for both of us. No matter how hard we tried to work it out or end it and stay the hell away from each other, we just couldn't seem to make it stick. Then I realized that the thing I hated most about the rape was really one of the best things to come from it. It took that to finally end the years of emotional rollercoaster we had been on. Had we stayed together, or kept on going as we were, my life would have been different, and I don't think it would have been good or healthy for either one of us or our families.

So what if I had stayed home that day? I would've still met Mike. We still would've had one of the most tumultuous relationships in history, but I wouldn't have met the one person who was able to put an end to it.

All the drama, none of the rewards

Ronan says: boo
Sabby says: you scared me
Ronan says: :-)
Ronan says: i got ur mail
Sabby says: i know, I got ur reply
Ronan says: i was wondering
Ronan says: would u rather i didnt follow ur blog?
Sabby says: I don't really care, it's not like I can regulate something like that, and I know what's going in my life, you're the one who will be further enmeshed in it by reading it
Ronan says: i see
Ronan says: well im sorry i bothered u
Ronan says: i hope your new attitude serves u well
Sabby says: me too
Ronan says: it will most certainly keep u safe from relationships :-(
Sabby says: Hopefully the unhealthy ones that go no where that I've been in
Ronan says: alright, well since im so poisonous to you, i guess i should remove myself from ur life
Sabby says: You already have - when's the last time we spoke?
Ronan says: too long ago, i thought
Ronan says: are u ready to say goodbye ?
Sabby says: I've said it so many times with you
Ronan says: i promise u will never have to again
Sabby says: I know I won't b/c you keep pulling a disappearing act before I even know anything is wrong
Ronan says: ok
Ronan says: goodbye sabrina , i will miss you
Sabby says: I'm sure you will - say hi to the other american redheads you chat with
Ronan says: nice parting words
Ronan appears to be offline

Note: picture is from findagrave.com

A few of my favorite things

Well, in the true spirit of blog, I am going to link to some of the things I've been reading or doing on the net lately. Enjoy!

I've seen this comic, Mitch Hedberg on Comedy Central many times, and I just found out today that he passed away last year. So sad.

I absolutely love playing Pop n Drop at yahoo games.

Anaylyze your dreams. This is a dream interpretation center in Dublin, and is only one of many dream interpretation sites.

Volunteer Abroad
Sell your stuff on ebay, Amazon, or other online shops to do it.

Dig up your family tree at http://www.rootsweb.com

Help others find their ancestors by transcribing a cemetery near you.

Connect with classmates.

Read a blog! Oh wait, you're already doing that ;) Have you already checked out all my photos?

Fun with email

Here are some of the forwards I've received via email in the recent past.

Birthday Calculator
Get fun facts like when you were conceived, what your life path is and who you are most compatible with.

The following jokes, quotes, etc were forwarded to me. I am not the author. I do not know the author. You've probably read them all already, but here you go.

The Blind Man And The Naked Nuns

Four nuns were assigned to paint a room in a church. It was a really hot day and the nuns were getting really hot in those black clothes they wear so they took off all their clothes and went on painting naked. Later they heard a knock on the door....

"Who is it???",

The man who knocked replied, "I'm the blind man".

So, the nuns decided to let him in since he would not be able to see them. The nuns let him into the room....

The man then looked around the room, then looked at them and said...

"Nice racks sisters, where do you want the blinds??"

Celebrating:

A man and his wife are dining at a table in a plush restaurant, and the husband keeps staring at an old drunken lady swigging her gin as she sits alone at a nearby table, until the wife asks, "Do you know her?"

"Yes, " sighs the husband, "She's my ex-wife. She took to drinking right after we divorced seven years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since."

"My God!" says the wife, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"

Golf Balls and the Blonde:
A man entered the bus with both of his front pockets full of golf balls and sat down next to a beautiful (you guessed it) blonde. The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets. Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, "It's golf balls."
Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at him thoughtfully and finally, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, asked, "Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"

How green is the valley

"Father, it has been one month since my last confession. I have had sex with Nookie Green every week for the last month."

The priest tells the sinner, "You are forgiven. Go and say three Hail Mary’s".

Soon after, another man enters the confessional. "Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I have had sex with Nookie Green twice a week for the last two months."

This time the priest questions, "Who is Nookie Green?"

"A new woman in the neighborhood," the sinner replies.

"Very well, " sighs the priest. "Go and say ten Hail Mary’s."

At Mass the next morning, as the priest prepares to deliver his sermon, a tall, voluptuous, drop dead gorgeous woman enters the sanctuary. The eyes of every man in the church fall upon her as she slowly sashays up the aisle. Her dress is green and very short, with matching shiny emerald green shoes.

The priest and altar boy gasp as the woman in the matching green shoes sits in the front pew, with her legs slightly parted.

The priest turns to the altar boy and whispers, "Is that Nookie Green?"

The bug-eyed altar boy can't believe his ears but replies, "No, I think it's just the reflection off her shoes!"

FOUR LITTLE ANIMALS

A teacher asked her class, "What do you want out of life?"

A little girl in the back row raised her hand and said, "All I want out of life is four little animals, just like my Mom always says".

The teacher asked, "Really and what four little animals would that be?" The little girl said, "A mink on my back and a jaguar in the garage, a tiger in the bed and a jackass to pay for all of it."

The teacher fainted

How the Internet Changed My Life

As part of my study of the art of interpersonal communication, in one of my courses we began studying online communication. I used email and all, but I had never really been in a chat room, and didn't consider the Internet essential to my day to day life. I was dating Jonathan at the time, who I knew spent a bit of time on the internet. I asked him about how long he spent on the net each day and was floored when he replied, "about an hour". I thought, "what could someone possibly do on the internet for an hour at a time?"

Well, of course, that was then.

Not only do I now have a blog, a website, five email addresses, an online store and photos stored on at least three different sites; I also met no less than three of my recent boyfriends online. Bryan, Jason and Ronan, to name a few.

I met friends as well; most notably, Phil. Phil was the first person I met in "real life" after meeting him online. Jonathan used to always go to this chat room, and when I wanted to get hold of him, I would hop in there to convey whatever message I needed. (Believe it or not, this was before everyone carried cell phones to class and work.) Well, my hops in would get a little longer each time, especially when one particular cynical Brit was in the room. I really liked reading what he had to say, but was too scared to actually talk directly to him. I don't remember how or why we started chatting, but we did, and we actually became really good friends. Serendipitously, I was accepted into a London Internship program, and he lived in London, so we met in person a few months after meeting online. When I saw him for the first time, it really didn't feel like it was the first time, it felt like I was seeing a friend I hadn't seen in a long time, and it was just nice to finally get to see each other again. He had previously met up with some of the other Londoners in the chat room, so we all met up at a pub one night and had a great time. It was so interesting to me that a college student, a cardiologist, secretary and photographer (among others) came together for a night out. I had never really experienced that before.

Since my meeting with Phil was so successful, I decided to give it another go when I moved to Belfast. I responded to various ads on free friendship sites before I left the US and started corresponding with a few people. That's how I met Jason. He gave me his mobile number so I could phone when I got in, I did, and we met up.

Jason and I broke up, so I was on the prowl again. I posted an ad, Ronan replied, and we hooked up.

The one person I hooked up with in Manchester had nothing to do with the internet, but that's neither here nor there.

Anyhow, back to the story.

When I arrived back home, I was planning on moving back to Chicago, so I used online ads to search for friends and jobs. Found a job, found a friend. Friend became boyfriend, and that was Bryan.

Now whether or not the failure of those relationships had anything to do with the nature in which they started, I don't know. All my other relationships that didn't start online haven't exactly been fantastic, either.

The internet hasn't only affected my romantic life, though.

My family started a group email list, so that we could all keep in touch and share news with everyone simply by hitting "reply to all". It started out great, catching up with relatives you only speak to maybe once or twice a year, feeling the bond of family and other warm fuzzies, until the fights started breaking out. Now, I have been in the company of all of these people, even all at once, and I can say with a fair amount of certainty that they would not say these things to each other if they were actually in each other's presence; not even if they were on the phone. However, the internet provides a distance not previously experienced. Distance, yet closeness. Communicate every day, but only by reading words on a screen. It's like having all the information without any of the intimacy. That can be a recipe for a disaster; in my life, it has been.

In addition to getting into fights with boyfriends and family members, I have gotten in trouble at work for what was perceived as a negative tone in electronic communication. Furthermore, in the work setting, email, while it feels like a private thing, is actually very public. In government, it actually is public, so when I wrote a letter to my boss in response to her reprimand via email, it not only provided a scathing account of the whole department, but also became a scathing account on public record. Shortly thereafter, I was released from contract.

Last week, I received an email from my aunt who called me a liar, thief and psychopath, among other things. I was at her house just a short time prior to this, and she was nothing but nice to me.

My cousin was very offended by my putting our family tree information on a genealogical website, and in sharing her disdain with other family members, confused details and said things that weren't close to true, but still the word spread. She somehow thought that me emailing her something meant it was now available for anyone to see on the internet, which, as you know, is not true.

The other day, I passed along one of those forwards you get in email. I usually don't, but this one had the whole guilt trip attached because it was looking for a missing girl. Anyhow, I forwarded it to the people who always send me forwards. I figure, if they do it, they won't mind it. Well, I get an email back from one of them saying that it isn't true and I should check my facts before I pass something on, in that snippy way with all caps and the like and a link to the "real" story. I was a bit taken aback, but just replied, thanks for the link, lots of great info. Then she called my Mom's house that night.

I'm just confused. In conveying these stories to my Mom, she said, "maybe you should just stay off the internet".

Maybe I should.

And the world goes round

Jason is getting married this month. He is now living in America with his fiancee.

Jonathan got married in March.

While I was no longer involved with either of them at the time of their engagement (nor did I want to be), I still feel a bit affected for some reason. I don't know if it's just because I feel left behind since I'm not getting married, if it is b/c I was the relationship immediately previous to the matrimonial one.

So maybe it makes me feel like there was something wrong with me. I couldn't get them to settle down, but the next girl could. Who knows.

The only weddings I seem to enjoy are those I arrange where I work. Those are unions that defy the odds. Lately, though, it seems like a marriage of mine would be doing just the same.

Of course, I am overstating it, I'm no Bridget Jones - I think you have to be in your thirties for that. I'm just emotional today b/c I'm menstrual and b/c rent was due and I didn't have all of it, b/c we had a staff meeting and I felt put upon, b/c I wanted to drive home but had no money for gas, b/c I had an absolutely horrible dream last night, because, because, because... the planets aligned as such and while I am happy for those who I once loved, I still turn it into something that makes me feel bad about myself. It takes far less than a life long commitment to do that on any given day anyways.

The nightmare last night was about a court trial, similar to the one I actually went through. It was a trial of a couple of guys who had gang raped me. All the evidence was presented, I testified, giving painful details and the judge rendered his decision. He believed me. He condemned the men and sentenced them to 53 years in prison. I was absolutely beside myself; not necessarily b/c of the length of the sentence, but b/c someone in the criminal justice system finally believed me. And not only did he believe me, but he realized how horrific it was for me and my life and responded with such a lengthy sentence. As is the case with nightmares, things took a turn for the worse when I realized that the judge's ruling was not the final word, but merely a recommendation for the jury. The jury went on to find the defendants not guilty and did no jail time. I was crushed. I realized that now that it had actually gone to trial (instead of just the grand jury) I couldn't appeal b/c of double jeopardy. It was over. When I realized that, it was sort of a relief. I was also happy that someone (the judge) had actually believed me, and I was comforted by the fact that now it would go on record that I was telling the truth and what happened to me was awful enough to merit over fifty years in prison.

So, yes, it has been an emotional day. I managed to get enough gas in the car to drive home and playing with the pugs always makes me feel better. Here's hoping it lasts.