Cambodia Panic Attack

I am trying to sort out the details of my Cambodia/Tokyo/Washington DC trip that I so bravely booked a couple of months back and I feel like I am ready to puke. What in the sam hell was I thinking? I knew it was outside of my comfort zone, but I was feeling all powerful and hopped up from my Canadian road trip, I thought, I am woman, hear me travel and all of that good stuff. And then I saw the plane seat size - 16.5 inches wide. WTF?! My ass is much larger than 16.5 inches wide.

Well, to console myself, I'm getting a hotel with a pool and a bathtub so I can chill when I arrive. Via taxi. Which I will hopefully have to myself. With air conditioning. I am the not the 20 something I once was, that's for sure!

Would I do it all again? Ronan Edition

Last night after a nice day with my boyfriend and his kids, I settled down to sleep. I had this very vivid dream. I was having a conversation in the cosmos with Ronan. Arguing/debating over whether all the hurt, drama and emotional scarring was worth the short amount of time we had together. I wondered aloud whether I would choose to do it all again. Ronan and I were discussing whether or not this would happen again in life, as if we were souls deciding our bodies' fate.

I was angry and relaying all the pain and hurt. Shouting. Crying. Indignant. Certain I would never make that mistake again. Then I remembered: the feeling of love at first sight.

I remembered how my heart skipped a beat. I remembered looking up at him when we first met outside of the phone booth in downtown Belfast. I remembered what it felt like to have my arms around his neck. I remembered it all. My eyes softened and now I was smiling through the tears. Would I want to go through life without having had that feeling? Never. So then and there my soul decided that I would make that choice again. If I were to send myself back to 2003, I would make the same choice, no regrets. All worth it for the feeling of love. 

I just wish I had more photos. 

Oh, how much I've learned. And to be clear, when I say I would do it again, I mean, I wouldn't change anything from the past. I have the choices to make in the future, and I would not put myself through more pain and hurt with this particular man because I've learned it goes nowhere. But I wouldn't take it back. 

October 25th –virginessary

This is the day I lost my virginity many years ago. Since that year, I have not had sex on this date ever again. This is not on purpose, Is it like when a ball player gets their number retired? This date is now hanging in the rafters in my bedroom? Or vagina?

We had been toying around with the notion and building up to this. Second base, third base, heavy petting, dry humping, even some real life connections between his you-know-what in my you-know-where. But on this day, it was like the heavens opened up (my vagina) and it actually went in. Since it wasn’t really planned, there was no condom involved. And since there was no condom involved, it did not last to completion. Or very long at all. It could have happened prior if we would have “forced” it, but thankfully he did not press the issue I was never one for pain. So when it finally happened, naturally, organically, I was pleased. People asked if it hurt. No. Simply because we had worked up to it. My body was prepared for it.

Unlike that time we tried anal. Son of a bitch. 

Roasting

Is it not proper decorum to get up in the middle of the night and sleep on the air mattress because your boyfriend's body heat is boiling you alive? Asking for a friend.

My poor guy is probably coming down with something. We had a nice weekend together. He cooked for me, carried my groceries upstairs and put them away. He helped me tidy up my car a bit. We had lots of snuggle time. But last night was too hot to handle. It probably doesn't help that I have a full size bed and my boyfriend is anyway hot, if you know what I mean, wink wink nudge nudge. :)

Depression has no reason

I have depression. It's not because there is something wrong with my life. It's because of chemicals in my brain. This should be clear to me especially now. I was having horrible intrusive thoughts today and yesterday. Just overall very symptomatic. Why? I have an awesome boyfriend. I have a job that pays me more than I've ever made before, that actually uses my education. I finished grad school. I have my own place and car, family and friends who love me, and a great trip to Cambodia coming up next month. There is no reason I should be depressed, yet here I am. I want answers. I want to actually have my serotonin and dopamine levels checked. I've been medicated for fourteen years and never had this done. I'm glad that I'm functional. That's better than not being functional. However, I want more. I want to be happy. I want to not have negative thoughts daily. Just really feel happy. It's that too much to ask?

Notes from a conversation with my rapist

I've talked about how, back in 2013, I got in contact with the person who raped me twenty years prior. It started with a phone conversation. A long phone conversation. I made a video right afterwards so that I could document my feelings. I would share it here but it's over 20 minutes long and I'd really like to edit it for length. Well I was cleaning out papers and apparently during that phone conversation in 2013 I was taking notes in a spiral notebook. Here is a glimpse as to what those notes looked like.

 There are things here that I didn't remember from the phone conversation and then I had it mentioned in my video. 

A priest prayed with him in jail. I don't remember anyone praying with me at the hospital. He spent a night in jail. I spent twenty years living in fear. 

Seeing these words again made my blood boil over things I had forgotten or pushed to the back of my mind. Does that mean I don't really forgive him? No, I don't think so. It means that I'm made at a society that allows a rape culture to exist. That even if the grand jury trial happened today, there would still be at least one juror who would go up to the rapist after the hearing, and just as he did twenty plus years ago, tell him, "you better watch out who you associate with". Yes, that really happened.