Friends with the ex?
By Anne Goldfarb If you're recently divorced, chances are, you and your ex still have some stuff to work out and you two aren't good buddies who hoist a beer together just yet. And so it may be particularly difficult for you to deal if you discover one of the new people you're dating has a really good, tight friendship going with his or her ex. "How can she?!" you may wonder. Or perhaps, "What's really going on between those two?" Let's take a closer look at the situation and see what we can do to answer those questions and calm your concerns.Why some exes stay so close
Most divorces involve some bitter feelings, that's for sure. And the time right after the separation is made official can be one when feelings of anger, disappointment and grief come bubbling up to the surface. So if you're in that stage but the person you're seeing has been divorced longer, it's natural for him or her to have mellowed, mood-wise, as the months and years pass. "After time, it is possible for exes to be friends. Remember that everyone is different," says Dr. Gilda Carle, Ph.D., a relationship expert, MSN's Suddenly Single advice columnist and the author of Don't Bet On The Prince!, among other books. "And everyone's circumstances are different. Actually, you could probably use some pointers yourself about how to get over the pain of divorce. Let your date be a role model for you, because you can't have a solid relationship until you are over your past anger."
Danielle, 41, of Morristown, NJ, is one of those people who needed a role model, but at first wasn't ready to have one: "Right after my divorce was finalized, I starting dating Joe. He was on such good terms with his ex, I couldn't handle it. Whenever he'd refer to a good conversation they'd had or how they worked so well together to raise the kids, I'd start seething inside. I was such a raw nerve... It almost sounded as if he was bragging or showing off, and I'd get knotted up inside. It took time and frank discussions for me to understand he could be a real source of support for me—and now I'm so grateful for that."
When exes are too close for comfort
However, there are times when a date's good relationship with his or her ex can be, well, too good. Listen to this tale from Tom of Detroit: "I started dating this woman who must have spoken to her ex like five times a day. One night, we were discussing this job offer she got over dinner, and it was all, 'Well, my ex says I should ask them this' and 'My ex says I should get a counter-offer to that…' and it was so obvious that she'd spent the whole afternoon consulting him instead of me. That was the last straw."
Yes, sometimes exes remain connected because they can't break the connection. If you're dating such a person, be on the lookout for closeness that seems a bit too cozy. Says Dr. Gilda, "The most obvious sign is when he devotes more time to his ex than he does to you. Talk is cheap, but behavior tells everything. Check out how often he calls, how he keeps his word with you, whether his conversations are punctuated with mentions of her, and whether he's trying to impress you with how in demand he is that his ex still wants him." If you're seeing signs that you're playing second banana to someone who is supposedly a part of his past, it's time to move on.
Anne Goldfarb writes for many national magazines.
Copied from myspace blog 11/10/13
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