I came across this article today by chance. It sounds strangely familiar...
This week's problem
I've just finished studying an intensive four-month course in Scotland where I fell completely in love with a man - but now I'm so confused about how he feels about me. When we do meet up, we have the most amazingly wonderful times together – the sex is incredible, too - but then he can go for two weeks without calling me. When we were together our relationship was so intense, because we saw each other every day on the course. But now it's all over, it seems as if he's lost interest. His friends all say he really likes me – and when we go out together I feel like we are meant to be –everything feels magical and perfect.
Despite being intelligent and good-looking, he's been single for several years. Could it be that he just doesn't want to settle down and should I be looking elsewhere? I can't stop thinking about him, and I feel so frustrated by the fact that he doesn't want to instigate more meetings with just the two of us. Can you help?
So Frustated
Dear So Frustrated,
Oh dear, you've got it bad and two emotional-psychological things strike me immediately: compartmentalisation and expectations. Some people are excellent at compartmentalising parts of their life. Men are particularly good at this. Compartmentalisation is a psychological technique where some people manage their lives by sticking things in separate compartments with clear boundaries. And never shall the bits-and-pieces of their lives meet! That's why when a man is out for a night with the boys he doesn't think about his beloved girlfriend or wife at home. No, he enjoys a good evening out! And with your Scottish lover-boy he's managed to stick you in a neat little compartment.
Expectations are the emotional part of the equation. Your expectations are high for a romantic relationship with him. You're completely in love, have amazing times and sex with him and everything "is magical ". All these ingredients mean you want a 100% full-on relationship. The funny thing is he probably enjoys all those things when you're with him but when you're not it's "out of sight and out of mind". His expectations are to have a great time when he's with you and a great time when he's not.
Where does this leave you? Unfortunately it leaves you on the verge of obsessing about him -I think you're probably already in this place. Quite frankly what we can't quite have, we want even more. Particularly with the heady mix you feel of passion, love and sex. You believe life would be a happier, shinier place with him in it completely. That's fantasy-thinking because what you had was an intense period of time together doing the same course. The reality is you need to find out what his expectations are. Then you're in a position to decide whether you're beating your head against a brick wall or there's a chance for genuine love.
How do you go about finding out?
So you don't freak him out it's best to plan what you say, then write it down and read it back. Put yourself in his shoes. Will your words cause him to panic? Be honest with yourself. You may want to rethink them and ratchet down the emotional tone.
Once happy with what you want to say then practise it until you feel confident.
Now choose a time when you two will be on your own and there's no pressure to rush through what you want to say. Don't make it a big deal, instead make it a positive experience for you both - sipping nice wine, chilled out, and then you speak confidently about where you and he see the relationship going.
That's the best you can do and hope he gives you an honest answer. Ultimately if he fluffs around and things continue in the same vein you've got your answer anyway - he just doesn't care as much for you as you do for him.