I stayed home from treatment today because the new medicine made me so dizzy I couldn't drive. I feel like a wuss for staying home for something so benign, but I couldn't see straight. It's one of those things where if nothing happens, people tell you that you were being silly, but if you get into an accident, "Why were you driving when you were that dizzy?"
Because of this, I missed the window of going to shop before the next snowstorm rolled in. Now I'm stuck inside dizziness or not. I wonder if treatment will be canceled tomorrow? I'm guessing the hospital will call me if it is. I hope they do. I would hate to trudge up there for nothing. I'm debating on whether I should take the new medicine again tonight. I'm thinking no.
I miss my friends. I haven't seen them so far this week.
I am feeling so sad. My eyes were leaking just because of dry eye, but now I'm crying. I forget why I was in my old email account and I was cleaning it out and suddenly I'm looking for old Ronan messages. Big fucking mistake. Thought I deleted those. Well, they were in the deleted folder, but still there. The mean things he said...horrible. Mind you, that was years ago, but he is incommunicado now. We were supposed to be friends. It hurts my feelings. But I can't even keep writing about this because this is such bullshit. I don't have a lot of time left on this Earth and I'm not going to spend it upset over someone who doesn't care about me. I'll have a strong day where I think I don't need bullshit and block people and numbers and then I'll wallow in self pity and masochistically read old shit that just hurts. Ain't nobody got time for that.
I really think that PMDD is playing a part in this (super PMS). I think I'll take a Valium tonight. There is no reason for me to feel this way. I shouldn't even think of Ronan or let his decisions or words past or present affect me in any way. Not him, not Jonathan, not anyone. I shouldn't. But I do. Every fucking time. Jonathan, really? The same men over and over again. This is bullshit. Absolute and utter bullshit. I think I'm trying to build relationships, or that having people from my past is helpful because I can work through the issues from the past, but I think that is all just an excuse to keep myself from living my life to the fullest. It's the demon in my head that is depression keeping me from having the life I was meant to live. From having the life I want to live. It's that demon that continually tells me to accept less than I deserve. This depression demon tells me so many horrible things, that I won't even type them. I'm done, depression demon. In case you haven't noticed, I've made some progress. I may not be rid of you completely yet, but I'm working on it. I will tame the beast. I will be happy. I will make the rest of my life the best of my life and be happy, loved and loving. In the meantime, the battle in my heart and mind between where I want to be and where I am rages on, which leads to a dizzy mind.
