Another delayed reaction - anger!
I took the high road but hell, I'm over the high road. Here's a message I got from Ashley after Mike died and before the funeral.
Mar 15, 2007 9:11 PM
Subject: mike
I know i have never talked to you really or anything but i would really like you to get over mike. he was a completly different person then what you knew him back then. and all this mike and sabrina shit is makin me sick. you are messed up in the head if you can honestly say that he was a true friend. I know shit you dont and i wouldnt want you to keep puttin yourself through all this pain and hurt for someone who didnt care for you back. i would know i lived with him for a year and listened to everything he had to say and did everything i could for the man and now i am messed up in the head and have to get help for it now. if anything your the lucky one. i dont care who you show this to show it to everyone they are not goin to believe me but i dont care. Yes i loved him and yes i miss him a tone i cry everyday but no one had to go through what i went through just to try to be happy no one did it but me. no one that is goin to the wake or the funeral knows the real mike , none of you had to look in his eyes as he layed lifeless on the grass, none of you gave him cpr, none of you did any of that i did. all i tried to keep him together and he fought me every inch of the way. to me everyone that has known mike has been fake or has turned fake. for his own father to say "michael why would do this to your family, why would you do this to me?" and then turn around and say that he killed himself and then and only when he finds out that he didnt does he change his tone and says that mike is his hero is fake to me. all of you are bein fake about this. you can rememeber mike the way you want and i will remember mike the way i want just think about what i said and look and listen monday and tuesday and see if things match up!!!!
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Nothing like sticking together in times of crisis, huh?
Well, in other news, Mike's funeral is paid off. Now just have to get enough money for a headstone. Hey Ashley, since you're so sick of the Mike-Sabrina stuff, how 'bout you take care of that? Oh wait, no, you didn't return any phone calls and just left Mike in the morgue and then sent me a shitty letter b/c I actually helped make the arrangements. Awesome. We almost didn't get to have an open casket funeral b/c his body was left too long. Wait, what was that you had to say, oh Mike was an asshole to you? Interesting, so why didn't you leave him? Or how about moving out to give each other a little space? Oh, that's right, you don't get free rent and drugs at any other place. And that bullshit you fed Jenn about you left Carbondale for him - umm, I seem to remember you getting into a fight with your basketball coach and walking off the floor. Suddenly losing your basketball scholarship had a lot more to do with you leaving that school than Mike. And things he said - umm yeah, he didn't want you to move in with him he liked you being down in Carbondale and you guys having that kind of space. Isn't that why you slept on the couch when you first got there? Oh and how about when he first told you no and then you called up your ex-b/f and told him you were in love with him and wanted to get back together so you would have a place to stay. Yeah, that was pretty cool, too.
Talk about being messed up in the head - you were a pill popping drug addict long before Mike came along. He tried to help you as much as you say you tried to help him. He went to your rehab counseling with you. He let you stay with him b/c he knew your parents' house was a bad environment for you. Oh and speaking of rehab, funny thing I found in Mike's apartment (which I cleaned out b/c no one else would) - your original discharge papers which say you left against staff advice and the ones Mike forged for you that said you were let go b/c you had nothing in your system and your parents just needed to leave you alone.
Getting that email from you at that time was by far one of the meanest things that has ever been done to me. I was nice to you in return. I've been nice since. I don't feel like being nice anymore. The more I think of things I could've done to help him, the more I think of things YOU could've done or could not have done like telling him to go ahead and kill himself, for example. Or, I don't know, maybe not have cheated on him with your teammate and then your best friend. Hmmm... or talked to his family when he was not going into work for weeks at a time. You know, these are things normal people tend to do when they care for someone.
Don't blame Mike for your addiction or your psychosis. No matter how bad he was to you, you are the one that stayed. And until you figure that out, you've got a lot more psychiatrists to see.
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