I am feeling depressed and I'm not entirely sure why. My usual comfort methods are not working, so now I turn to the blog to sort out the clutter in my head.

First of all, it has finally hit me that I am NEVER, EVER, EVER going to be with either Jason or Ronan again. While it may have seemed like a foregone conclusion to some, I really thought that Ronan and I would get back together. Jason and I have hit our stride as mates and that seems all fine and good but when I get down, I can't help but remember that there is another woman in his life that is higher on his priority list than moi. And Ronan, well, it has finally come to pass. He has finally given up the dilly dallying on whether or not he loves me to say that he just wants to be with his 17 year old girlfriend and that's that. Okie dokie.

In other news, my college boyfriend has recently gotten engaged. I am actually quite happy for him, but I think it is still somehow playing on my psyche as it was less than a year ago that we were last together. Oh and that I was the girlfriend immediately previous to her. Dude whatever.

So what else? Oh yes, I am completely and utterly disdained with my physical appearance. It used to just be about my body, but now its everything. I think my face is gross, my hair is disgusting, my nails are scary, etc, etc. I was talking to Jason about it and he said, "you're the only one who can do something about it." This is true. Trouble is, that when I'm feeling this down about myself, I can't pluck up the courage to to barely even leave the house.

One of my bosses is pissed off at me. It really sucks having three and a half bosses, because keeping them all happy all at the same time is damn near impossible and I am far to sensitive to have one of them pissed at me all the time.

I don't feel I am doing enough work on the estate. I wonder if I will make a difference here. I have gotten threats on my life and I have no idea what I am going to do when my time here ends in September.

I feel completely irresponsible. I have not yet posted my mum's Mother's Day card for the American Mother's Day on the 9th of May. I haven't paid my bills on time. I am completely broke until I get paid on Wednesday.

Well, I guess I can see that there are some things that are troubling me. Hmm, well I suppose that's a start.