Again, I feel the need to start my post with 'why oh why'. Why are emotions so irrational? Why can't I just make a decision and stick to it because it is the best thing for me? Why do my feelings have such a hold on me? I realize that feelings are what make people empathetic, sympathetic and kind, but right now, I wish I could just pull the emotions out of my body and place them on the shelf for awhile. I feel like I should've just let Jason go forever back in October when our romantic relationship ended. I was determined to have a friendship, though, because I enjoyed his company and because I didn't know that many people (if any) in Belfast. I thought I was doing great, and met more people, even started another relationship, but low and behold, my feelings for Jason came back to bite me in the ass, as I cheated on new boyfriend with him.

I listen to the message on my voicemail and I think, "that doesn't sound like a woman who would compromise herself for a couple of guys." I sound assertive and confident. I feel like I am able to see myself as some others may see me; living life the way I want - living in a foreign land, doing the work I want, making choices I want to make. Yet somehow, in this phase of my life, I keep allowing myself to be swallowed up by the emotions of romance.

I feel so silly that I am depressed because a boy doesn't like me. There are children starving in every region of the world, but I am depressed because a boy doesn't like me. Some of the children I work with are abused physically, emotionally and sexually, but I am depressed because a boy doesn't like me. People the world over are shitting themselves for fear of terrorism and I am depressed because a boy doesn't like me. It doesn't seem quite right.

The problem is that it is more than that. I am doing all I can to help the children I work with. I feel I am doing my little bit to help make this planet a little bit of a better place, at least for some people, or even a few people. I'm comfortable with that. What I am sad about is that there is no one there to greet me when I get home from this work, when I'm overwhelmed by all the sadness, poverty and terror in the world, there is no one there to hold me or comfort me. I am not trying to make myself out to be a martyr of any sort, I am just saying that what I miss is not Jason, not Ronan, not any of the faces in particular; the names change as the years go by, but the need to feel loved remains. It is a basic human need that I pushed away for so long. I finally opened myself up to it again, and now I miss it. I know what I am missing and it sucks; it hurts. Yes, I want to be loved. Yes, I would like to be loved by Jason and/or Ronan. But it also hurts that both of these men ended their relationship with me and are now both involved with other women. There's also the thought of "what do they have that I don't?" "Why wasn't I good enough for them?" "What's wrong with me that they didn't want me?" Then you start thinking about all the other relationships that have ended or never even began and really start to wonder whether ANYONE will EVER want you....much less want you FOREVER.

For my honors paper in Interpersonal Communication, I researched relationship dissolution (i.e., breaking up). The point was made that every romantic relationship one will ever have will end - except for one. How can we bear that? If you got food poisoning from eating jellyfish, would you eat it fifty more times hoping that the fifty first would be the time you didn't puke all over yourself?

Well, no, because there's not a whole lot to be gained by being able to hold your jellyfish. Finding a lifelong love; now that is everyone's fantasy. It is written about in most songs, books and movies regardless of genre. "All you need is love" - the Beatles song, and a Valentine's Day card sitting in my dresser drawer. What if you have everything else? What if you love where you're living, who your friends are, what you do for work... what if love is all you don't have?