I'm visiting my parents for Father's Day weekend. I drove up this afternoon after the wedding and went straight to the barbecue at Mama Joanie's house. We all had a blast and people were passing out by ten. I'm going to the beach tomorrow with Danielle and company, which should be fun. I'm going to try and make it back over to Mama Joanie's before I leave though to do a dip in their new pool :-)
It is ridiculously hot here this weekend. Thank goodness the wedding was inside or I think everyone would've passed out. I might be sleeping on the couch here b/c upstairs gets hotter than the rest of the house. Funny, though, I live on the second floor in my apartment. Hmm... If I go to the beach, I don't think I'm leaving the water. I'm such a wuss when it comes to heat. A product of my Irish roots, I guess.
I have been really affected by the comments of some people in recent weeks. Ever since I decided on doing what everyone told me I should've done a long time ago, which is cut out relationships that go nowhere, live life the way I want to, etc, etc, I have had some negative feedback. Both Ronan and Mike called me "psycho". Call me a bitch, whore, cow, whatever, and I'll get over it, but a psycho just gets under my skin. My friends try and reassure me and say, "consider the source", but it still bugs me. I'm always open about my feelings and the effects that Post Traumatic Stress Disorder has had on my life for the past thirteen years, and when someone vile gets angry at me, they throw it right back in my face. Just when I feel like I've made some positive progress, I let things like this affect me and I wonder if I'll ever get past the "psycho" stage. Now I'm thinking, "maybe it's true, maybe I am psycho" and start looking at various things in my life and second guess every choice I make. That just leads to more uncertainty and anxiety and makes me more sensitive which allows me to be more vulnerable to people like Mike and Ronan and take hurtful things they say close to heart. How can that possibly be psychologically healthy?
Looking at this rationally, I can see that the best and healthiest thing to do is cut the cord and don't look back. No second guesses, no regrets. Unfortunately, like all humans, sometimes emotions get the better of me and that's not always a good thing. Maybe that's why Ronan and Mike say the things they do. Emotional outbursts?
I remember at a school dance a guy named David had "asked me out", which meant asking me to be his girlfriend. We had talked about starting a relationship for awhile, but I still wasn't sure. He tried to pressure me into an answer, and when I replied no, he went ballistic. The exchange was something like this:
Him: Sabrina, will you go out with me?
Me: David, I'm still not sure, we talked about this earlier today - I don't know if it's worth risking our friendship.
Him: Sabrina, I really care about you and I want to be with you. Let's do it, c'mon, just say yes.
Me: I'm not sure...
Him: Don't say that, I really like you.
Me: Don't pressure me, David
Him: I want an answer right now
Me: Seriously, don't pressure me.
Him: I'm taking an answer right now, now or never
Me: Well, then, if you need an answer right now, the answer is no.
Him: YOU STUPID BITCH. You're nothing but an ugly whore, etc, etc.
This was in front of a gym full of people and I was mortified. I'm sure he was, too, but all the words up until the expletives were said at a level where no one else could hear. Everyone heard his tirade against me and wondered what the hell I did to him.
Did I do something to him? Was my uncertainty unfair to him? Should I just have said no from the start? I really did like him, I was just afraid that things would turn sour, which they did anyways, so kind of a moot point.
And how can Ronan call ME psychotically inclined when he is the one who has disappeared into thin air a half a dozen times, without warning or explanation, then reappear some time later, acting like nothing happened.
And Mike implies I'm off balance when he asks me to lie to his girlfriend's parents and tell them that I am Mike's girlfriend, so that they don't think anything is going on between she and he, since he was her coach and is closer in age to her parents than her.
I don't know. I've always believed that everyone has the life they deserve. In cases like the aforementioned men, Ronan lives a total Jerry Springer life with his baby's mama and no job and computer games 24 hours a day and Mike has an anger problem with a too young girlfriend and has been alienated by the community for both of those things.
I guess time will tell for me. I have a job that pays very little, but I love. No romantic life to speak of, and very few close friends. Ronan said I was running low on material for my blog. Yeah, b/c I actually have a normal life now! No baby mama drama, internet boyfriends/girlfriends and lies that affect me. I'm normal and if that make me boring, hurray for boring.
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