Destiny Unfulfilled

We've all heard about when big things happen and people say it was destiny. My friend, Phil, the cynic, cited a comic who said, "I feel the need to walk over there to fulfill this person's destiny"; pointing out the number of circumstances that need to align for this theory to be true. It's easy enough to look in hindsight at something pivotal in your life and say that it was destiny, but what about the destiny that was unfulfilled? What about when you didn't listen to your instinct and an opportunity passed? I imagine there are many, many times, when you wouldn't even realize the moment had passed you by, because it wasn't even a near miss. But when you did see the opportunity gone, do you ever think that maybe had you listened to your intuition, your destiny would have been fulfilled?

I used to often think of the day when I was thirteen years old when I met both Mike and the guy who would later become my rapist. Given the outcome of both of those relationships, I would wonder, "what if I just stayed home that day?" Would I not have met either of them? What course would my life have taken then? Would it be better? Worse? Of course, at first I always thought it would have had to have been better. I mean who really thinks that a three year long tumultuous, borderline abusive relationship and being raped is the better of the two options?

Looking at the situation a bit more practically, even if I would have stayed home that day, I probably still would have met Mike. He lived down the street from me and we had mutual friends who wanted us to meet.

The other guy is probably a safe bet that I wouldn't have met had I stayed home that day. My two friends and I were walking around our block and came across him in an alley. Ever the socialites, my friends decided to said hello and introduce him to me, since I was the designated guy meeter. It was absolutely a chance meeting, he did not live in the area, was visiting his extended family, and I have no idea what he was doing out walking around.

So, based on the evidence so far, I might be inclined to say that yes, I SHOULD have stayed home that day because I wouldn't have met the person who would later rape me and change my life forever.

In the aftermath of the attack, I would cry and hate this person not only because of what he did to me, but more so, for taking Mike away from me. Mike and I had been off and on from the time I was 13 up until the time of the rape, which happened when I was 16. No matter how bad things got, what we did or said to each other, we would always, always, get back together. People thought we were going to get married. We'd probably need a serious marriage counselor, but still, we just seemed like we were addicted to each other. No matter how hard we tried to stay apart, to be with other people, we couldn't seem to live without each other. That was, until I was raped by the man who I met on the same day I met him.

That's a bit of a crucial point to the effect this had on our relationship because having met two guys I was interested in on the same day, I just went for the first one who made a move, and it was not Mike. As a result, I started a relationship with this other guy, while Mike watched from the sidelines. Mike and I still developed a friendship, a strong one at that; and while I never cheated, I could sense that someone was happening between Mike and I. When I tried to break up with the first guy, he threatened suicide and I took him back. Mike was heartbroken. Eventually, the guy broke up with me when it became clear that my feelings were elsewhere.

Three years later, when Mike learned that this guy (who was now a man) raped me, he was livid. When he found out the details that led to this attack, he pushed me away. I had willingly put myself in the same place at the same time with this man, and had even kissed him on my own accord. Mike and I were in one of our off phases, and while this was not unusual, the fact that I had been with this particular person was especially poignant, given the history.

Anyhow, Mike couldn't deal with it. He couldn't deal with the fact that I had been raped, that I had been with this other man, and that now I was scared to even let Mike hug me. It was over. It had never been over before, but this was the catalyst for the true end of Mike and I's relationship. I used to think, "of all the things I hate (the rapist) for, I hate him the most for taking Mike away from me". I thought it was going to be hard enough to be able to trust Mike again, now I had to go and try to trust someone else? If I had just been raped and not lost Mike, that would've been catastrophic enough in my life. If I had lost Mike and not been raped, that too, would have been a major devastation. To have both at the same time was almost too much to bear.

Years went by, and it really was over for me and Mike. I never saw him or talked to him, we shared no mutual friends anymore and I was forced to go on without him. It took a very, very, long time, but I eventually got over him and was able to trust someone again. Mike got married, I went off to college.

As the time and distance passed and I developed new relationships and could see things more objectively, I thought of the type of relationship Mike and I had, and I saw how destructive it was for both of us. No matter how hard we tried to work it out or end it and stay the hell away from each other, we just couldn't seem to make it stick. Then I realized that the thing I hated most about the rape was really one of the best things to come from it. It took that to finally end the years of emotional rollercoaster we had been on. Had we stayed together, or kept on going as we were, my life would have been different, and I don't think it would have been good or healthy for either one of us or our families.

So what if I had stayed home that day? I would've still met Mike. We still would've had one of the most tumultuous relationships in history, but I wouldn't have met the one person who was able to put an end to it.