Easier Each Year

Well, maybe not so much easier, as just... different. On this day thirteen years ago, I was sexually assaulted by my ex-boyfriend and my life was changed forever. I used to be consumed with absolute sadness and terror on this day and could barely drag myself out of bed. I've come a long way from there, but it's just different. It's less obvious. Instead of crying and hiding in my room, I don't cry, but am so scared at night, I put furniture in front of my door to keep people from coming in (in case the lock doesn't do the trick.)

It dawned on me that thirteen years as a rape survivor is almost as long as I lived before the attack. That is sobering news, because always my life has been defined as before and after. "After" was just this difficult time that I was going to eventually get over and go back to the way I was before. Sure it had been a few years, but these things take time, I'll look back on this period one day and see it as a hump I went through. But now... now that "after" is nearly as long as "before" - and really how much did I take in from age zero to three - I'm starting to get the idea that there is no going back. There will never be a "before" again. Was "before" even trauma free? Was before all that great? Am I just conveniently using this event to punctuate my life when it could be many other things that start and end the different chapters. I think I've had more than two chapters in this life of mine, and I think the last few have more going for them then "rape survivor". The book of my life doesn't read so simply, and that's a good thing. I'm slowly starting to realize all of this, but the connection from my heart to my head isn't always on (whose is, right?) so it will still be awhile before it all clicks. Before I stop taking things out on my body. Before I stop putting furniture in front of the door. Before I stop thinking of myself as damaged. Maybe one day I won't be afraid to just be all of me and really, truly believe that is enough.