And the world goes round

Jason is getting married this month. He is now living in America with his fiancee.

Jonathan got married in March.

While I was no longer involved with either of them at the time of their engagement (nor did I want to be), I still feel a bit affected for some reason. I don't know if it's just because I feel left behind since I'm not getting married, if it is b/c I was the relationship immediately previous to the matrimonial one.

So maybe it makes me feel like there was something wrong with me. I couldn't get them to settle down, but the next girl could. Who knows.

The only weddings I seem to enjoy are those I arrange where I work. Those are unions that defy the odds. Lately, though, it seems like a marriage of mine would be doing just the same.

Of course, I am overstating it, I'm no Bridget Jones - I think you have to be in your thirties for that. I'm just emotional today b/c I'm menstrual and b/c rent was due and I didn't have all of it, b/c we had a staff meeting and I felt put upon, b/c I wanted to drive home but had no money for gas, b/c I had an absolutely horrible dream last night, because, because, because... the planets aligned as such and while I am happy for those who I once loved, I still turn it into something that makes me feel bad about myself. It takes far less than a life long commitment to do that on any given day anyways.

The nightmare last night was about a court trial, similar to the one I actually went through. It was a trial of a couple of guys who had gang raped me. All the evidence was presented, I testified, giving painful details and the judge rendered his decision. He believed me. He condemned the men and sentenced them to 53 years in prison. I was absolutely beside myself; not necessarily b/c of the length of the sentence, but b/c someone in the criminal justice system finally believed me. And not only did he believe me, but he realized how horrific it was for me and my life and responded with such a lengthy sentence. As is the case with nightmares, things took a turn for the worse when I realized that the judge's ruling was not the final word, but merely a recommendation for the jury. The jury went on to find the defendants not guilty and did no jail time. I was crushed. I realized that now that it had actually gone to trial (instead of just the grand jury) I couldn't appeal b/c of double jeopardy. It was over. When I realized that, it was sort of a relief. I was also happy that someone (the judge) had actually believed me, and I was comforted by the fact that now it would go on record that I was telling the truth and what happened to me was awful enough to merit over fifty years in prison.

So, yes, it has been an emotional day. I managed to get enough gas in the car to drive home and playing with the pugs always makes me feel better. Here's hoping it lasts.