Nuts in my hair

A few days ago, I got this candy apple from the sandwich shop at the casino. I didn't pick out the specific one, just ordered a, "Caramel apple", and didn't think much of it. I got it home and saw it was like the most super duper covered apple I'd ever seen. I wondered if there was really apple in there. In addition to the regular caramel and nuts, there was some swirl stuff and pecans and then dipped in chocolate with more pecans. The chocolate was about 1/2 inch thick.

Tonight I decided I'd finally try and tame the candy apple beast.

First of all, I could not get it in my mouth (that's what she said). I mean, I couldn't get a bite in anywhere. The chocolate was way too thick and the pecans, too. It wasn't just a pecan here and there, it was solid pecans and chocolate. So, I try and get a bite towards the bottom of the apple. That's when the stick broke.

I realized there was no way I was going to be able to make it through the chocolate pecan mountain top, so I get a knife. Shit just got real. I start cutting off the chocolate pecan top to see if I can maybe find some apple down there. The stick is useless now, so I'm holding the actual apple cutting chunks off and taking a bite where I think I can fit it in my mouth.

Needless to say, I made a pretty big mess. The chocolate is now melting in my hands (since I'm holding the apple). I get it all over the knife, the table, my soy milk mug (I mean, I'm not going to eat chocolate without my soy milk).  I again try biting the bottom of the apple. I cut more and more chocolate and pecans off. They start to fall on the floor and the dogs go for them. D'oh. No dogs, not for you! Chocolate is bad. They're staring at me, begging. Licorice starts jumping up on me. I just sighed and knew that I had to accept defeat.

So, I clean up my mess, wash the knife and mug and my hands and think I'm all done. Later, I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror and I have nuts in my hair! How in the hell did that happen?

I couldn't get it in my mouth and I got nuts in my hair. 

I think I much prefer the Affy Tapples.

Masochism

Masochism...I haz it.

I was just going through my old facebook messages and found the ones from Ronan deleted and blocked me as a friend. The mean messages are now freshest in my mind since I haven't spoken to him since last week. Gah, why did I read that? Masochist, I am.

When I check my email, I secretly hope that he has messaged me and that he still feels the same as he did last week during our phone conversation. Each time, though, no message. So, I was pasting in my old geocities blogs into blogger and there were these blogs about how Ronan would say he wanted to get back together and then not want to, disappear, etc. So I thought, "Well, was this time really any different?" Sure, we both made the decision that it just could not work like this. But, then I read a 2005 entry that mentioned Ronan and I were together, though living in different countries and I had lost my job. I let him know that I could now come be with him and we could be together since I didn't have anything holding me here and I never heard from him. Now, really this all just a moot point because Ronan and I aren't together. However, it makes me doubt the veracity of this recent phone conversation and declarations. Here I was thinking how bad it sucks that two people who love each other can't be together because they live in different countries. More so when they don't have money to fly back and forth or support the other in the country (because of work permit issues).

*Sigh*  But then I don't want to air these feelings for fear that it IS different and Ronan will read this and be put off that I have these doubts. One of the main differences between then and now is age. We were in our twenties then. Ronan in his early twenties at that. Being in your thirties is a whole new ballgame when it comes to emotional maturity.

Again, it is a moot point because we are not together. But the idea was that maybe, just maybe, if the stars aligned and we found ourselves able to make it work (i.e., be in the same country) then we would be together again. I guess what I'm afraid of is those stars aligning (i.e., me going to school in the UK) and me being left out in the cold.

But the most masochistic thing that I do is think too much! I'm tired of thinking and analyzing and wondering. That's one of the reasons why I told him that I can't do it like this. I need him to get out here and show me that he loves me. Because of all the mind changes, the disappearing acts, the time left wondering, I can't do that anymore. It just has to be no doubt in mind that this person loves me and will move mountains for me/to be with me. That's really all there is to it. So, why, then, do I keep getting that anxiety when checking my email? Check the landline phone to see if he's called? Search google to see how easy it is to find my address? Masochism. Pure and simple. As I've said, I've laid my cards on the table. If he wants me, he knows what to do. No amount of thinking and analyzing on my part is going to help that. I was honest and clear. But now I feel like I'm waiting for something that's not going to happen. And I know it's not going to happen because we said it! I am wishing and hoping for something is virtually impossible. Masochism.

Well, it's not impossible. People in different countries fall in love. People find a way. People save money. People move mountains for love.

They've just never moved them for me.

If you want to make God laugh...

Tell Him your plans.

So, I just wrote about all my plans to go to law school in the UK and the next day, I get a second interview for a teaching fellowship here in the US. I just thought that was kind of funny. I'm happy to have the opportunity, for sure, but my timing is often questionable.

I'm still going to apply for the LLB degree program in the UK and fill out the financial paperwork. I'm still going to go to this interview and see where that leads me. Neither one is guaranteed, but hopefully, one of them will work out.

This reminds me a lot of 2003, when I applied for the position in Belfast and another position in Chicago. I got both positions and decided on Belfast. I was a bit nervous because of my perception of Northern Ireland (the troubles), but I plunged ahead. It was one of the best decisions of my life. Being in Belfast really changed me. Unfortunately, being back in the US for this long has taken some of those changes away (the US breeds fear), but it was still a great experience. And I know there is another way I can live that doesn't involve constant fear, that is more laid back, that can roll with the punches.

While I am doing better and making plans and taking the steps to get to where I want to be, I still have some major down time. I still get discouraged and want to curl up in a ball. I wish there was someone to help me through all these processes. I'm always the one who will help others with resources and paperwork and red tape. I want someone to help me, now! At times it can seem daunting. But then, you think, "It's really just paperwork." So you fill out each form along the way, do some internet research, send emails and one day you're living your dream. Little by little, right? Because if you live your life all or nothing, you usually end up with a whole lot of nothing.

But now, about my day: Jenn texted and said she is going to the Grand Canyon in April, so I will be cat sitting for them again. So excited! I love cat sitting in the city. She had said they might not go because of the cost and I reminded her she could use miles for rental cars, too and so they're using their miles. Woohoo! Yeah, you'd think I was going or something. I just wanted them to go so I could have their condo for the week.

I dropped off eight boxes of cat food to Sandy's house for her cat, Louie. I got them free with a coupon tonight and dropped them off right away. Sandy called and said Louie hasn't stepped away from his bowl for several minutes. He's been eating people food, I guess. She said he's been out of cat food for quite some time. I'm going to see if I can scrounge up some more coupons to get more cat food for Louie.  Meow!

Oh, and the interview for the US position is in Indianapolis, about three 1/2 hours away. Jana said I could stay the night at her place, which is great. I messaged her on facebook tonight and found out that in addition to her husband and infant son, her mother, sister, and sister's two kids are living with her as well. Now, that's a full house. I asked if it would be too crowded, but she insisted it wouldn't be. I'm hoping to hitch a ride with a trucker from my old temp job who said that he drives to Indy every day. My hooptie isn't reliable enough for that journey. Of course, then I wouldn't have a car while in Indy, but we'll see what happens.

Lastly, I have watched this video about ten times today. It's a different variation of the cats playing pattycake video. This one is in French. Cracks me up.

Awakened Passion

So this thing with Ronan kind of woke me up inside. Not just in terms of feelings for him, or romantic feelings in general, but for my life. I've been stagnant for quite some time now and just can't seem to get any traction. Mind you, I still don't have any traction, but I have a renewed desire to do what I always wanted to do: Go back to the UK.

As you may know, I have frequent, vivid dreams. One of my recurring dreams is about going back to school. I'm in high school, but I'm my age and everyone I went to school with is there, too. When something goes wrong, like there's a test I haven't studied for, or a class I've missed, I think, "It's okay, I actually already graduated from high school. In fact, I've graduated from college and have a bachelor's degree." Then I realize that I've been going to school for fun. I just had some free time in the day and thought I'd brush up on my knowledge and so I enrolled in school.

Early last week, I was in a resale shop and picked up a book on interpreting dreams. I flipped to a page that said that often your dreams actually provide you for the tailor made solution to any problem you're having. Your subconscious already knows the answer, you just have to listen and understand it.

Later that week, I have this 'awakening' discussion with Ronan (who I'm not with, in case you missed my earlier post) and after we get off the phone,  I sit at my computer and it hits me! A solution.

I've wanted to go to law school forever. Well, since I was five. I had looked at going to law school in the UK, but then applied for a postgraduate degree program. I was accepted, but funding was an issue. Apparently, you don't get as much funding for a post-bachelor's degree.

In the UK, a law degree is a bachelor's degree. I could use my law degree in the US in the state of New York. After five years, I could then practice elsewhere in the US.

I started my financial aid forms and need to do my taxes to finish, but I'm getting excited. It all seemed a bit like a pipe dream until I talked to Jenn about it, who encouraged me to do it. I guess it may still be a bit of a pipe dream, but if I do nothing, I will get nothing! I'll fill out the forms, research my options and see what comes of it.

It still makes me nervous as hell to think about it, mainly because there is some stuff I need to work on myself before I feel comfortable beginning a big, new journey. I still have anxiety. I still have depression. I'm still overweight. But that doesn't mean that I can't live life, right? I remember when I was going to Paris, I thought, "I can't go to Paris fat!" I shake my head at that now, but really, I'm thinking the same thing now. "I can't do this because x, y, z." One thing I learned in Paris, my first international trip, was that I am still the same regardless of my location. I guess that's kind of the point, though, of needing to work on me before I go. I don't expect that going away (again) will change anything. I need to do that on my own. In my own head. My own heart.

And back to Ronan, I haven't talked to him since our marathon phone conversation where we decided to leave things be. While I hope that being in the same country would allow us to be together, it's not the only reason I'm going. You may have noticed I mentioned working in the US after the degree. There is a "backup plan." Although it's really not a backup plan, it's THE plan. As I told Jenn, if Ronan said, "Fuck you", the first day I arrived, it wouldn't change anything. And because nothing concrete has been done about this yet, I haven't told him. We left things where they are (nowhere) for a reason. To disrupt that because of a possibility of being in the same country at some point in the future doesn't seem prudent. Of course, neither was emailing him today to tell him happy birthday. Damn it. Okay, let me get back to strong, confident Sabrina that has a plan and a dream that preceded Ronan. And I even have the proof because I blogged about it way back when. Another advantage of a blog. Or maybe typing this hoping that Ronan will come across it and know that there may be hope for a future. Damn it to hell. That was not strong and confident. Oh well, if there's any truth to this image about life being an echo, than perhaps hope, love and vulnerability will come back my way.

Valentine's Day

So, the most romantic Valentine's Day I ever had was when I was in first grade. My "boyfriend's" father came to my apartment before school (dressed in his suit on his way to work) and dropped off a hand drawn card from a "secret admirer." The card had a drawing of Michael Jackson to give me a clue to who it was from (the boy's name was Michael). It was a big card, too. Sadly, I don't still have it. And more sadly, my most romantic Vday was when I was 6 years old!

I've had romantic Sweetest Days, but not really a notable Valentine's Day. I think when I was in middle school someone sent me a flower. But it was someone I didn't know very well at the time and I was more confused than heart struck.  Oh and in high school or college this guy gave me a flower, but then I found it he gave it to someone else first and they gave it back to him. How's that for romance?

Yep, I definitely can't tell any romantic Valentine stories. But Sweetest Day, it's on! Well, probably not, but it was on.

Gambling and Gluttony

Lent is off to a questionable start. First day of lent and I went out gambling and eating until I was stuffed. And I brought my little brother with me for the sinning. Not a great start. But then again, I'm not Catholic. And he works there.

Adam and I went to the buffet because I had a couple of free buffet coupons. It wasn't the best service I've ever had there. In fact, I think it was the worst, but it was free. They had sections closed off so we were all packed in like sardines. Our drink orders didn't come until after we already had our food, they were out of fries (my favorite) and no creme brulee. After gorging on whatever vegetarian stuff they had, we went to go place my free bet. The casino sent me a voucher for a free $30 bet. Last time they sent me $60, I guess to reel me in. Since I bit, now I'm down to $30. I don't like the way this pattern is going. But I won my free $30 bet, so I made $30. Then I hightailed it out of there.That's gas money, mofo!

I have been thinking about giving up something for lent. Pop. I switched to diet pop a few years back when I first had high blood sugar. However, apparently even that is bad for you. It really makes me feel like I have very few options, especially when dining out. But usually tea will do the trick. Of course, if I get unsweetened and use Splenda or Equal, those are bad, too, but I can only tackle one issue at a time here.

Funny, I remember when I was in first grade, the teacher had us all say New Year's Resolutions aloud in class. Everyone was like, "I want to get better grades".  I said I wanted to stop drinking so much pop. She thought that was funny. What's funny is that it's 30 years later and it's still my resolution!

I don't know if that's so much funny as it is sad. I'll stick by funny. :/

Today

Today - Mardi Gras, Pancake Day, Paczki Day, day before lent - was uneventful for me. I didn't even eat a paczki (or a pancake for that matter). I slept late, did some shopping, played on the computer, oh and checked my email about twenty-five times wondering if Ronan would email me and say that he just booked a flight to Chicago because he had to see me and we'll figure something out.

But you know, other than that. Just an ordinary day.

I talked to Jon last night about the whole Ronan thing to kind of air it out. Regardless of what may or may not happen between Ronan and I, at the end I thought, "It's nice to know that someone out there loves you." And at that moment, I realized that I have been thinking, in my subconscious, for quite awhile now that I am unlovable. I remember all the mean things anyone has ever said and internalize it. I remember the mean things someone has done and think that I must be really unlovable for someone to do those things. I think of all my faults; my inability to cook, my messiness, my asthma, my weight, my sensitivity, my crabbiness and think, "Who would want to be with me?"

That is hard for me to admit, but, hell, it is harder to think that! Now I can see that isn't true. I see that my way of thinking was wrong. And for a couple of days, I felt better about myself. I felt like I could get back to the business of being me, who I want to be. And then I read my old blogs. I read about the horrible things Ronan had done in the past. I saw the patterns of declarations of love and running and hiding. Suddenly, I didn't feel so special. I didn't feel so loved. Those old insecure "unlovable" feelings came surging back. Am I not worth a plane ticket? Or a two hour drive (which happened with Jonathan as well). Or flowers. Or an email.

But rationally speaking, I know that I am worth it. I know that one day there will be someone who will love me so much that nothing will keep us apart. I know that I will feel safe and secure and never doubt his feelings. I know that there will be someone who would drive twelve hours to pick me up or to see me (like my dad did for mom). I know that someone can give me the unconditional love that I give. I know it. Now I just need to believe it.

Long Distance Relationship

Long distance relationship - not just the distance in miles, but the distance from the relationship. I spoke to Ronan last week and it has been months since we've even emailed, but years since we've seen each other. After six hours on the phone, we talk about being in love, again. Or never having stopped loving. Is it practical, though, to uproot your life, get engaged/married, to be with someone you haven't been in a relationship with or even seen for eight years?  We decided that, no, it was not practical. The distance was just too great. Long distance relationships don't work; the literal ones or the proverbial ones. 

Below are some facebook posts on the subject. 

Sabrina: Am I just a sentimental fool? Why, oh why did I just spend six hours on the phone with an ex who lives in another country? Thank God for internet phone.

Jonathan: Yes.

Sabrina: So, in case you saw my status the other day about the ex in another country. I guess I should follow it up by saying we ended the conversation by deciding that there's no way it could work with us living in different countries and since we have such strong feelings, we're not going to talk anymore. So, yeah. No insane-ness. Just a looooong conversation and a sensible decision. For those who don't know, he is a native of Northern Ireland and we dated while I was living there.

Brandy: Time to move.
Sabrina: I would in a heartbeat, but I can't work there without a work permit and can't get that unless we're married, and even then it's a pain to get. It would be easier if it was the same amount of miles but in the same country.
Sabrina: And we talked about getting married but to do so right this second would be insane because we haven't seen each other in years.
Brandy: You're right.. but I wouldn't end it on that note.. you never know what life has planned for you.. always keep a open mind.. never ban yourself from someone.. theres a will theres a way.. maybe not now.. or this year.. but someday.
Sabrina: Yeah, that's actually how we did leave it; that maybe the universe will lead us back. And I have started thinking about doing my law degree over there. I had actually been accepted to school there for a master's degree (years ago), but the financial aid wasn't what I thought it would be and I couldn't afford it. If I had lots of money, this might be a bit easier! But a law degree is an undergraduate degree there and that might make a difference in funding. So, we'll see what the universe has in store... 
------------------------

But then, shortly after I got off the phone with Ronan, after deciding there was just no way it could work, I got an email from someone and this was their signature:

"If you really want to do something, You'll find a way. If you don't, You'll find an excuse." - Jim Rohn


But THEN, after I hit publish on this blog, there was a blog draft at the top of the screen from long ago. Back in 2004. I never published it;
"I am trying to occupy myself to keep my mind off the fact that I am waiting for Ronan to call. I spoke to him yesterday and he said he would be coming to Belfast today. It is now quarter to 7 and I have not heard from him nor have I been able to get a hold of him. Part of me is worried that something is wrong - like a family emergency or something. Part of me is scared he is avoiding me. Part of me thinks he'll phone any minute now and say he's on his way. I am becoming more convinced that he will break my heart again. It makes me mad, too, b/c it was his idea to get back together, and I wasn't sure....as soon as I embraced the idea with my whole heart, he was gone. This is a bona fide pattern now and I'm so sick of it."

To be fair, in our six hour phone conversation, we discussed some of the things done back then and he apologized and seemed to genuinely realize that they were wrong. He said that I didn't deserve to be treated that way. No matter what happens going forward, that was definitely nice (and healing) to hear. But, as I also said in that conversation, I will not settle for something that isn't real and I will not be the one to take the step out, so to speak. If you want to be with me, come to me. Show up on my doorstep and whisk me off my feet. Be the romantic love story that I deserve. Not to be materialistic, but so that I can see your love. Having been through some of things we've been through (as noted above), I need that to know that this is different. That those things were really just the actions of a kid in his early twenties. That now this man in his thirties knows better. That this man will go the distance for me. That this man loves me.

So, I set the bar. I laid my cards on the table. Why? Sure I could get hurt again. Sure it hurts now to have things like this. But we could also end up with everything we dreamed of. One day.

Recurring dream

I have this dream where I am at a set of elevators and I can't get to the one that is going the direction I want to go before the doors close. Like in a lobby of a big building where there are several elevators. Sometimes I'll get in one, but the floor I want is not one of the choices. Last night the dream got a little more promising (I think) when others tried to hold the elevator door open for me. The doors were very strong, though, and I told them, "Just leave it be", because they were trying so hard and even then, strong men couldn't hold it open. I finally got into an elevator with a child, and the elevator was missing one of the walls. Actually, it was missing the door, so we could see where we going. I think it had a blanket up but it didn't cover it completely.  So, I looked it up and here is what I found.

Door

To dream that you are entering through a door indicates fresh opportunities that you will encounter. You are moving into a new chapter in your life and to a different level of consciousness. A door that opens to the outside represents your desire to be available to others more. A door that opens inward suggests your wish to have self-realization or internal discovery.

To dream about opened doors represents your ability to take on new thoughts and ways of doing things. To see light behind the door indicates that you are on the path to better spiritual faith.

To dream about locked doors indicates that you have either been denied chances or that you have missed them. If you are on the outside of a locked door, then you may possess some characteristics that others would call anti-social. If you are on the inside of a locked door, then you must accept the knowledge of a difficult lesson.

To dream that you are locking doors indicates that you are shutting yourself off from others. You have difficulty letting people get to know you and this is significant of a halt in development or maturity.

To dream of revolving doors indicates that your life is simply moving in circles and nothing is moving you forward. You could be sensing that your choices are going nowhere.

Elevator

To dream that you are ascending in an elevator indicates that you will have a rapid ascent to prosperity. You could be reaching a higher plane of understanding and are viewing the world from this elevation. If you are going down in an elevator, then bad luck will fall upon you. The movement in this dream can be indicative of the natural ebb and flow of life within your subconsciousness.

To dream that the elevator is out of order, or that you are stuck in it, suggests that your feelings are getting the best of you.

From http://www.dreamforth.com/search.php?query=elevator+door&type=dreams&page=1

Friends

Lately, I've been thinking; what does it really mean to be a friend? Specifically, why do we remain or become friends with someone? Since the prevalence of facebook, I've reconnected with a lot of people from my past. Some from as long ago as kindergarten, others from college or my last temp assignment. This, mixed in with the friendships I've had for ages, has made me see how different they are. I mean, not in the friend versus acquaintance sense, but I've remembered parts of me I forgot existed.

There's been a lot of talk about marriages/relationships ending because of people reconnecting with old flames on the internet. I think that reflection of a past self is the main reason why that happens. You remember the younger, more vibrant you; before the responsibilities of adulthood, parenthood, work, home owner, etc. Yes, that's part of it. Reliving your glory days. But for me, expanding my friend base has made me notice something else. There are people who actually value my opinion and like to spend time with me. A simple concept, to be sure, but for my friends lately, I've been feeling pretty lonely and just like I'm not on the same wavelength. Whether it's because they have kids and have a different lifestyle, or they just tolerate me and don't seek me out, or in one case, because they see me as damaged.

One friend of mine I've known since we were very young. I was a different person then. More different than most people are from their younger selves. I was always in love, always involved in some major activity, always concerned with my appearance, liked trying new things with clothes and hair, ahead of the curve when it came to puberty and all that goes with it. She is now much more like that than I ever was (even some part of the puberty ;-) and I am not like that all. After being attacked in my late teen years, my demeanor, behavior and overall outlook changed drastically. I was just reading about the rower, Jenn Gibbons, who was sexually assaulted on her boat while attempting to row the perimeter of Lake Michigan, and how she is still continuing on her journey. She made some further precautions for safety and blogs about the struggles she is facing, but I just can't imagine. I remember the day after it happened to me, I was supposed to do a fundraiser for the Humane Society. My mom called and said I was sick. The day after that, I had an aerobics class. I wondered if I should go. I don't feel like doing aerobics, but there's no reason I can't. I just didn't know what to do and what I should do immediately following the attack. However, I was changed. As time progressed, I dealt with flashbacks and other symptoms of PTSD. I burst into tears for no reason at all, I didn't smile, even when practicing my dance routine with the squad and it was required - I was completed stone faced; tight lipped, glazed eyes, no emotion showing, always, always thinking of what happened to me. Instead of being always in love, I was always scared. I was afraid to go to parties, afraid to talk to boys, afraid to wear the fun clothes I once loved. I opted to stay at home, stay in for lunch, wear my Dad's shirts. One of the most visible things that changed about me was my weight. I gained a tremendous amount of weight after the attack, which is something I still struggle with.

All of these things lasted for quite awhile, and some things, like weight and a quick startle response, are things I still deal with every day. But, I'm in a much better place than I was. The trouble is, I feel like this friend still sees me as the broken girl who needs to 'get over it' and 'move on with her life'.  Partly due to the fact that she has at one point or another said both of things to me. She hasn't recently, at least not about the attack. About Mike dying, is another issue. I actually thought that I handled that death (of the person who I was always in love with as a teen, and then lost due to the rape, only to reconnect as adults) pretty well.  Given our history and my emotions, I have a feeling many expected me to end up far worse off than I was. However, it wasn't enough for this friend, who after just three months told me I needed to move on. We didn't talk for awhile after that.

The bottom line is, she still sees me as broken. It's such a different experience when I'm around others who have known me both then and now and don't see that, at least, I don't feel like they do. And you know what, she's not the only one that has made me feel this way. So I go back to, what makes a friend? Is it the person who will help you come change a flat tire or rescue you when you're stranded? Is it the one you have great conversations with? Is it the one you can go places with? It's a little of all these, I think, but what makes a person NOT be a friend? Is it catching them in a small lie? Is it having different perspectives on the world/life? Is it not agreeing with their life decisions? And this isn't just about that one friend, she is merely an example. When one of my Christian friends found out that one of my best friends was Muslim, I never saw her again. When one of my friends gave away her animals, I avoided her. I mean, it was a lot easier on facebook when one of my friends (from a genealogy site) posted about raising and killing a pig, I instantly de-friended her. When my friend my school posted a pic of his pig roast, I couldn't just de-friend him. So where do you draw the line? What is acceptable? Maybe like the aforementioned friend, you just have to have 'breaks' from people (she is famous for that) b/c all the differences and idiosyncrasies get to be too much. A little time away and the image of the dead pig is overshadowed by the memories of dancing in the rain in college. 

Birthday

Tomorrow I will be older. Yes, we will all be older tomorrow, God willing, but tomorrow I will have to start saying a different number when asked my age. All I can say is, I don't feel my age.

Thirty-fricking-five.

O.M.G.

As I look back on various milestones, the one that stands out the most to me is that it has been 11 1/2 years since I graduated college. I could've had various PhDs by now! Yet, I'm still living the life of a vagabond or pauper. Not that I measure life by material things; well, maybe a little. But mostly like where I live, what I'm doing professionally (or not), who I'm dating/married to (or not), kids, etc. Idk, definitely not where I thought I'd be for sure.

But I knew that a long time ago; that my course had changed. Not just when Mike died, not just when leaving the UK. Not really even when I was raped. It really changed course my last semester of college when I was diagnosed with clinical depression. It wasn't the diagnosis, per se, it was the onset of the disease. And now, it's the management of it.

That's what I feel, when I'm honest with myself. However, I know I am lucky. Just this weekend someone who was the exact same age as me, had the same medical issue I did (not depression), went to the same school, lived in the same town, and whose parent worked at the same place my parent does, died.

I am lucky to be alive, be relatively healthy, have a place to live, have all of my basic needs met. But am I living my life to the fullest? I know that I give all of myself freely to those I love. That I know. But in terms of work, travel, study - I could do more. I would like to do more.

After all, isn't this the real mid-life? I mean, not many people live to be 100.

But maybe I will. God willing. But for now, I'll focus on 35.

Cat sitting, Chicago edition

I will again be cat sitting on the north side for most of the month of July. Woohoo! Maybe with a clear head I'll be able to finally blog about my trip to Maine. Who knows.

But one of these cats is a bit needy. She's a Sphynx and has to get weekly baths and teeth brushings and ear cleanings. She likes to sit on my shoulder like a parrot. Then she chews my hair.

The other kitty is a cuddler, and I just have to brush her every now and again. I'm excited, but I need to pack!

Pictures to come.

Save Lennox

My email to Save Lennox;

To Whom it May Concern;

I had the pleasure of living in Belfast whilst a volunteer at Quaker
Cottage on Black Mountain. As I'm sure you are aware, Quaker Cottage is a cross community family center, working with both Catholic and Protestant families to bridge the gap between the two sides while helping the individuals and families get back on their feet. While working with the Quakers I learned a lot about the troubles Northern Ireland has faced and the long road back it is still facing.

I have always carried great memories of Belfast and even planned on
going to graduate school there. Then I heard about Lennox. The dog
slated to be killed on Monday. I find it so hard to believe that the
city I came to love would do something so cruel. From what I
understand, there are now offers to take Lennox out of Northern
Ireland thereby allowing the dog to live outside of the country that
deems him undesirable. I urge you to please accept these offers. Not
just for this one dog or this one family, but for the good of Belfast
and for Northern Ireland. The image of Northern Ireland is still being
repaired after "the troubles" and now people are boycotting it due to
this issue. This is not good for the country or its economic recovery.
I've seen first hand the views people have about Northern Ireland,
especially in the USA, and just as it was starting to wane, this
negative attention has brought it all back.

I beg of you, continue working towards the peace and stability you
have come so far towards. Save Lennox's life.

Thank you for your time,
Sabrina

http://www.change.org/petitions/belfast-city-council-let-lennox-go-home-to-his-family-or-let-him-come-live-in-the-united-states

Change.org|Free Online Petitions

Anxiety Dreams and Anxiety Reality

Bald
To dream that you are going bald suggests a lack of self-esteem or worries about getting older. Alternatively, baldness symbolizes humility, purity, and personal sacrifice. You are at a stage in your life where you are confident in fully exposing yourself.

From dreammoods.com

Yep, lack of self esteem - check. Worries about getting older - check. 

I was looking forward to this road trip my friend and I were going to take. I was going to use my frequent flier miles to pay for the rental car. I logged in today to book it and my miles expired! Well, apparently they didn't expire, per se, they now count towards my million miles goal, so I can use them once I reach a million miles. Um, yeah. So annoyed. 

I did log on to do some transcription work tonight so that's good. There are no shops really available, so I need to get back into transcribing to make that money $$$. More like ¢¢¢ 

The cat scratched me today. I guess he knows the word, "fight". I asked him if he wanted to fight (I do this with my dog, which leads to us playing tug of war) and he just reached out and scratched me. Smarter than I thought, apparently.

There's a meeting tomorrow evening for fundraising for the Africa library project.  One of the things we're doing right now is having a yard sale. I donated some boxes of crap I was sick of looking at and it turns out one of the books is actually work like $35, so it's listed on ebay. It's actually listed for more by other sellers. Is it bad that now I want to take it back? I thought Mom checked all the books, dangit. Oh well, good cause and all.  *grumble grumble* So how about you buy it and help start the library in Africa, eh? (It's a children's library, which is why this book wouldn't be appropriate.)

I'm going to be disgruntled elsewhere now. Toodles.

 

Annoyance - Sabrina edition

It's late and I'm annoyed. I should have (or I guess "could have" - don't want to "should" all over myself") went to bed hours ago. But I was annoyed that I didn't get enough done, so I tried to do more. Didn't get much accomplished (i.e, anything at all), so now I'm even more annoyed.

I've been doing transcription online and at first it was all peachy. Then it got a little annoying because none of the grading systems were consistent, it would just depend on who checked your work. So someone might say you need to add a line between speakers one day, then the next day, you add the line, and that person says the line doesn't belong. Still, I dealt with it. Now, no kidding, I get emails every week (or even more frequently) about the new way they are doing things. Now I'm completely lost. That's one of the things I was going to do tonight, was transcribe, and I just realized, I haven't a clue how they're doing things this week.

Another thing I do is mystery shopping. So I signed on to some of the company websites to see if there were any gigs available, and there was one in particular I wanted, but I have to watch a 30 minute training video and then pass a test in order to do it. I hate that. Just give me the frigging directions in writing like every other company. And even for a company I've already done the training for (just a few months ago), they've now updated the training so I have to take it all over again. Seriously, just put a note at the top that says, "Update: now ask for sprinkles instead" or whatever the heck it is the big update is. Seriously.

Finally, my biggest thing I've been doing lately is my shopping facebook page, and the shopping that I post about. Obviously, shopping requires money (see above), so I'm just annoyed. Mostly, though, I want to make the actual shopping website/blog, but haven't a clue where to start. I obviously have a personal blog, and I've started the shopping blog, but I want to customize it to have links at the top and everything and suddenly I've forgotten how to make a web page. I made my first web page for a college assignment in 2000 and I can't do it now? Sure it was archaic, but I did it. Then I did the personal web site in 2003, which was the precursor to this blog. Idk, I'm just old now and have a harder time figuring shit out, apparently (see above re: transcription).

The things I shop for are donation items. So, I went to two more stores today and got another car full of stuff and was annoyed that it wouldn't fit in the car properly. I looked at all the stuff in there and just wanted to scream!  I've been getting rid of it pretty quickly to local charities, but now I'm left with the stuff I haven't a clue what to do with; like Snuggies.Where do I donate Snuggies? Or gift wrap cutters. Instead of using scissors, use these handy gift wrap cutters. What charity needs those? And if you're asking why I bought them in the first place, it's because they were a penny and I want to keep them out of landfills. This store throws things away. So even though I dropped off some stuff today, I still have a car full and that makes me.... wait for it...... ANNOYED!

So, I'm annoyed. Annoyed as opposed to angry or sad, so not too bad, I suppose. 

Cat sitting - Indiana edition

 I'm cat sitting for my friend, but this time it's my Indiana friend, Dani. So, I've been trying to do some stuff more out here, though it's not that far from where I currently live. So far I've only managed to go to Dollar Generals in Lowell, Hebron and Valpo.  Yeah, I know, excitement, right? One of my oldest and dearest friends lives not too far away and I really want to see her during my time here. I'm just such a slow poke. It takes me so long to get into the groove of things and plan things out. Also, I'm a space cadet. Yesterday, I couldn't find my glasses; I found them on the floor of my car. Lost my wallet? On the seat of my car. Where's my camera? You guessed it - in my car! I practically live in my car and let me tell you, it definitely shows!  I need to clean out that mofo.

Part of what's in my car are the mountains of donation items I've gotten from the various Dollar Generals doing my "penny hunting." I even started a facebook page about it. I only just started it last month and I haven't done a lot with it b/c I haven't started the actual website yet, so it's definitely a work in progress.

But back to the car; in addition to the mountain of shopping spoils, I can no longer use my passenger side door because of the accident I had last month. I can't remember if I posted about this or not, but someone T-boned me on the passenger side and the car is, for all intensive purposes, totaled. Luckily, no one was seriously injured. I went to the emergency room and had CAT scans and X-rays and all that fun stuff, but I live to tell the tale ;-)


Back to cat sitting; there's one black cat and one white cat. The black cat likes to try and wake me up in the morning by sitting on my chest. Effective, but not effective enough to make me get up. The white one just stares at me and lets out a meow every once in awhile. He pays more attention to me when I have food. The black one walks around my feet when I first get in, like tripping me repeatedly. He's a lover. The white one will stand off in a corner and stare at me. The big news in cat sitting today was that I vacuumed. Woohoo! Not many people would be proud of that particular achievement, but I am. Unfortunately, the outside garbage bin is reeking of cat pee pee and poo poo and trash pick up isn't until Tuesday. I wrapped up all the dirty litter in double plastic bags and tied it up, but it sure hasn't helped much! The bin is right by the back door, which is convenient for tossing the doo-doo, but not so convenient for avoiding the smell. Or the flies.

And while I'm here getting excited about vacuuming, Dollar General, and cat poop, Dani gets engaged! Somebody is having a more exciting week than I, methinks ;-) 

Mike's cat Leia during cat sitting 2006

As I was re-reading this post, I realized that I have cat-sat in Indiana before, for Mike. But my most recent cat sitting gigs have been in Chicago for Mike's ex wife, and my new friend, Jenn. How life twists and turns! And Dani, the friend I'm sitting for now, was my friend when Mike and I first got together in 8th grade! The more things change, the more they stay the same. Let's see if I can come up with another cliche to round this out; And that's the way the cookie crumbles. Mmm....cookies.

Surprising Strength

So, perfect example of something that I want to share, but not on facebook; today I was at my friend's house for Memorial Day. We were sitting by a fire in the backyard and this guy would not let up on me. He just kept asking if he could kiss me, whatever. I just flat out said no - repeatedly. Then he asked if I was in a relationship. I said, "Yes, I'm in a relationship with God." He didn't skip a beat and said, "Good, because I'm one of his disciples". Ha, made me laugh. Hadn't heard that one before.

Tonight we also talked briefly about my stint in Edinburgh, Scotland and how badly it went. When I explained that I was going to be living in a home for transitional young men, some were stunned, like, umm, what? But I explained it was just to help with getting to appointments, filling out forms, basically a lot of moral support as well. Then I remembered when I told Ronan (my bf at the time) what I was doing, he was none too happy about it. It had never occurred to me that would be an issue. Anyhow, that's not why it went badly, it was due to other things like not being able to get on the plane due to too much luggage, not being able to get a cab back home, getting into a car accident on the way from the airport, getting fired less than a week into my job (not because of performance, but because of the reference from my past employer that they failed to check before offering me the position and my moving to another country) and then being stuck in an unfamiliar country with no money. Yeah, that pretty much sucked.

The funny thing (or interesting, I guess) is that I didn't give up. I didn't just run back to the United States. I found another position in England, got by on the 5 pounds I had in my pocket for those few days until I could get over there and just started a new job. Unfortunately, after that position came to an end (several months later) and I did find a new one, there were just too many straws on the camel's back and when just one more thing got put on me (harsh words from someone in authority at the position I was leaving), I couldn't bear anymore and I did go back to the USA before my visa was expired. It's weird, though, how that worked out; because I had such amazing relationships with the children I worked with and am even friends with them now on facebook. But had that manager not been such a miserly, miserable hippie, I may not have gotten back in contact with Mike when I did and had that time with him before he died.  There would have always been a hole in my heart had I not been able to have that 'closure' with him. I am so thankful for that.

Sometimes we find out we are stronger than we think are. Dealing with advances from a persistent stranger, with humor even, despite the memories of being raped; Being stranded in a strange country with no money and still not going home; Losing the love of your life and then cleaning out his apartment and office and taking care of his family after his death. 

Annoyed

Remember the good old days of actually posting full paragraphs of text to share with a mostly anonymous audience? Now it's 140 characters to everyone you've ever known in your life. I don't really like that. There is so much I'd like to say, to vent, to express, but hold back because of some of the people I'm 'friends' with on various social networks. Not to say I don't like it at all, I do enjoy it, but I don't have that venue to vent like I did in the days of my blog. Or the days of my geocities page.

For example, I was in a car accident last week. Someone T-boned me and my car is likely totaled. I went to the ER and got scans and x-rays and pain medicine. I posted about it on facebook. A couple of days later I posted about the pain meds and the affect they were having on me. Several people jumped in saying I needed to stop taking those meds because they were addictive and could do damage and blah blah blah. I was like, really? I was in a car accident two days ago, I'm going to hold off on rehab for the time being. But the way facebook is set up you really only see things that get posted while you're online, so they didn't see my car crash post, but saw my pain meds post. And it was just annoying.

Speaking of annoying, my fricking car! I don't know what's going to happen with it. I think I've done all the bits for the insurance part of it. I've gone to my follow up doctor appointment and gotten more pain meds. I keep telling myself I'm glad that I'm okay, that I wasn't seriously injured, that no one was seriously injured.  But then I keep having this nagging feeling of annoyance and disbelief that this happened. That something so utterly avoidable happened because someone couldn't be bothered to pay attention or not cut through traffic, or go half a block to the light where it's safer to cross traffic. I'm annoyed that I can't afford a new car. I'm annoyed that one of my few prized possessions is now broken. Which makes two of them now, b/c my laptop is still broken. I'm just annoyed, annoyed, ANNOYED!

That being said, I am really trying to make myself see the positive in things. I still thank God every night for the blessings in my life. That I have a roof over my head, a bed to sleep in, etc. I have been able to be a servant for God by getting so many donations of brand new goods to help people in this area and in underdeveloped countries around the world. I just got another car load of stuff tonight, and a truck load yesterday. But still, because my parents don't see the value in it, it affects me. Which is where I need to work on myself. I can't change how others think of me or what I do, and I shouldn't have to. I need to not let what others think of me, or what I think they think of me, affect me so deeply. That is my biggest challenge by far. There's that graphic that's gone around the web that says something like, "Before you diagnose yourself with depression, make sure you are not, in fact, surrounded by assholes". I really like that one. Because it is so refreshing to me when I speak to someone who just lifts me up. Who values me as a person and it's so different from what I'm used to.

So, here I am, trying out the blog again. Venting to everyone or no one. I can form my thoughts and state them without having my aunt call my mom or someone I went to high school with gossiping about it to someone else I went to high school with.

Somehow it all leads back to death

It finally happened. I have to get one of my wisdom teeth removed. I told the dentist I wasn't sure exactly which tooth was hurting, just had pain somewhere in that area. She stuck the scraper thing right into a tooth which caused me to gasp loudly and form the reverse plank position. "Guess we found the pain!", I quipped.

My appointment for the removal isn't until Halloween, so until then I have antibiotics and some strong ibuprofen. I recently read a story about a man who died from a tooth infection. He didn't have enough money for both the pain medicine and the antibiotics, so he opted for the pain meds and died. I got my antibiotics free at Meijer. Granted, Meijer is only in a few states, but it may be on the $4 list at WalMart and Target. Though, sometimes you can't spare $4. I was fortunate.

I was surprised to learn that you don't have to go under anesthesia for the procedure. That was one of my main fears about getting a wisdom tooth removed. Although it'd be convenient to not be aware of what was happening, I worry about anesthesia since it's so close to, you know, death.

Last night I had very vivid dreams. Since my pain medicine is only a high dose of ibuprofen, I can't put any blame there. I dreamt that I was talking to Chaz (my friend who passed away February 28th) on the phone. His voice was deeper, but still familiar. We were just chatting, but I remember him saying that it was sad he had to go when he did because we were only just starting to get to know each other. I replied that it would give me something to look forward to (when I cross over). I began to wake up or something because then I started to question what number came up on the caller ID and how could it really be Chaz when he was gone, and then I woke up. It was a nice message, and I appreciated it.

I also have been feeling things about Mike. I was just thinking that I was doing so well and how much less it hurt now, four years since he died, and then, BAM - a song comes on in Dollar General and seemingly out of nowhere, I am fighting back tears. Because I am a glutton for punishment, I come home, put on one of his shirts and watch a music video that also has special meaning. It's the first time I've shed a tear for him in awhile. The feeling remains with me for awhile and I am surrounded by thoughts/memories so strong that I can practically FEEL him there with me. It's comforting and sad because one of the reasons why it hurts less is because I got used to life without him. As horrible as that sounds, the 'missing' him part is just less because life adjusted. You're no longer expecting a phone call, reaching for the phone, coming across his things, or planning your day/life around/with/for him. When a reminder comes by, it gives you that warmth or remembering what it was like, but that sadness, because you miss it again. Then you have to remember, "Don't cry because it's over; Smile because it happened."

In addition, though, for me, I still have a hole in my life where he was and though he can never be replaced, it needs to be filled. For awhile Chaz was my good friend and even helped me with Mike, using his medium skills to connect with him. Now that Chaz is gone, too. I don't have that connection to either of them. I want to have another bff who I can talk to four or five times a day about nothing and everything. Or not to talk for a week and know you can pick up right where you left off. Have someone who sees you better than you see yourself and appreciates and accepts all the qualities that make you who you are. Is that really too much to ask?

Dogs in Joplin, Missouri need help now!

HIGH KILL GASSING SHELTER

http://s154.photobucket.com/albums/s265/pitbullangels/May%2018/

All dogs/puppies in this album are available for adoptions as well as rescue; but private individuals interested in adopting should call the shelter (417-623-3642) OR email them at shelter@joplinhumane.org instead of e-mailing Lysa directly.

Unfortunately, she doesn't have time to answer so many individual e-mails about single dogs or puppies. Lysa is more than happy to work with anyone to get a dog/puppy but she is only one person and struggles with time constraints.

UPDATE from Lysa on Saturday, May 22nd: "BTW...we are now up to 826 animals for the month. We are really stuck because we have nowhere to move animals out to while pending rescue....Golden Paws is full. We have no drivers to get these dogs anywhere ourselves, and no staff to drive them. It is CRITICAL that rescues set up to get dogs out as soon as they are available, I have several dogs to vet next week...it is just crazy. Rescues that can arrange to pick them up and vet them themselves are my number one heroes!"

------------------------------------

Please keep in mind this is a high kill gassing shelter. A high volume of dogs/cats come in monthly (620 so far this month). 60 came in on Tuesday (May 18th). They need help as soon as possible. Please share this email with everyone you know. I know it's hard to digest that this many animals come into a shelter and so many are gassed but it is sad fact. The best way to help is to save one or more. Timing is truly of the essence in helping. Many people are upset by this method of euthanasia, which is completely understandable, but please be respectful when dealing with the shelter as the employees are very nice and want to help get as many out as possible.

Thank you for helping me network for this shelter.

Please contact Lysa Lysa Buehler ASAP at pitbullangels@yahoo.com if you can help save a life. Thank you!

Some of the dogs/puppies shown here are also on the Joplin, MO website which will have further info on each one: http://www.joplinhumane.org/adoption.html

Wyvonnia

http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=2063296&id=1412619308&ref=mf

--------------------

From: Lysa Buehler
Date: Tue, May 18, 2010 at 9:56 PM
Subject: [KCRescue] (unknown)

I am attaching photos of more dogs at the shelter in Joplin that need out ASAP. We had more than 60 animals come in today; we are over 620 animals so far this month.

We are at the "euthanizing for space" point....I just cannot get them out to rescue fast enough. You can also check out our pet list at www.joplinhumane.org

Please note some dogs are marked as URGENT; but realistically they are all URGENT considering how quickly dogs are coming in.

Pictures were taken and posted quicly, contact me for specifics.

Please contact me immediately if you can help any of these dogs. I have also posted some dogs still on stray time in an attempt to get interest in them while they sit at the shelter waiting.

Sadly, VERY few dogs get reclaimed. If you can pull anyone, we need to know quickly.

If you pick dogs and confirm that you will take them, I will prepare a deferred transfer contract to put on the dog so we avoid any confusion.

Dogs that are available need out NOW....boarding may be available at Golden Paws Boarding Kennel for $3/day.

To cover our costs, we ask $10 for Distemper Combo, Internasal Bordatella and deworming with Strongid. If desired, HWT testing is available for $10, Rabies is $10, Health Certificate is $10. Dogs are treated with Frontline if we see fleas. Neuter prior to transport is possible, but boarding will be required outside of the shelter.

Three years later

Tomorrow marks the three year anniversary of Mike's death. The feel of the weather outside brings me right me back to it - it's nice, mild, 50 - 60 degrees. The same air that was present when I stood outside crying, trying to come to grips with what had happened. It is said that the olfactory sense (smell) is the strongest tie to memory - I guess the weather makes the air smell and feel a certain way that can bring you right back.

It feels sort of wrong, that while I type such a serious note, I'm playing FarmVille in another window on facebook, but I suppose that's what time does - gets us a little farther away from the seriousness of something so life changing.

And facebook - not something I would have ever imagined myself having three years ago. I only had a myspace with one picture on it to view my friend's wedding pictures. It was when a friend of Mike's dad asked me to contact her on myspace with details for donating that I even started using the site. And I think facebook wasn't open to the 'public' yet - when I did sign up, I used my university email address (where I was working at the time).

But the donations - the sorrow of not having money to pay for the funeral, the drama over having his body in the morgue for so long, the heartache of cleaning out his apartment - that is certainly in the past. I learned so much from going through that. I am also proud of myself for being able to take care of the things I did. If someone were to tell me that I would have been doing those things the same day I learned of Mike's death, I wouldn't have believed them. I would have thought that I wouldn't have been able to function - perhaps I would be locked in a psych ward somewhere. But the saying is true; you never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have. Maybe I would've lost it if the funeral was already taken care of by someone else, if Mike wasn't still laying in the morgue - but that FORCED me to take action because I had to do it for him.

All this talk of being strong and lessons learned sounds like a well balanced, put together, person - which I am not. I still miss him horribly. I still cry sometimes. I am still struggling to get to the next step in my life. But, I am still here.

I have moved his things from his place to my place, and then to my new home. I have put most of it in those clean looking plastic storage bins and divided a lot of it up between his parents, Jenn and his friends. But, I still have so many of his things to go through. I still work on it little by little. I can't just give it all away, or tackle it all at once. I really do feel like one of those old ladies who keeps her husband's clothes for years after he's gone. Something I never really understood - but, I do now.

If you believe in reincarnation, the idea is that you keep learning and growing in each life. Even if you don't believe in that, but believe in say, karma, you believe that an experience can be caused by another experience. Some of the things that I have actively thought about and not understood (like the widow and the clothes) I have come to have personal experience with, which has MADE me empathize. I try to empathize with most things/people, but for those which I lack the empathy, I am doomed/blessed to experience for myself - to learn/grow.

As I get more into this note, I click over to Facebook less and less. The seriousness of the issue and poignancy does still affect me - maybe just in a different way.

I am trying to make the most of this life - I still struggle, but I try. At a reflection point like this, perhaps it is now time to try harder.

I love you and miss you every day, Mike!

Dreams

I just remembered some of the dreams I had last night. They were quite disturbing. I'm just going to post some of the things I find in the online dream dictionary;

Casket

To see a casket in your dream, indicates that it is time to end a situation or relationship. Additionally, it symbolizes a completion of a project or lifestyle and a beginning of another. In this regards, this symbol may represent new opportunities.

Corpse

To see a corpse in your dream, represents an aspect of yourself that has died. Or it may mean that you are unexpressive. You have shut yourself down and are dead inside.

Campus

To dream that you are on a campus, indicates your need to expand your thinking/knowledge and challenge yourself mentally.

To dream that you are at the funeral of an unknown person, suggests that something in your life is supposed to put to rest or put aside so that you can make room for something new. You need to investigate further what aspect or component of your life you need to let go.

To see a burial in your dream, signifies that you have gotten rid of your bad habits or freed yourself from a negative situation. You are finally letting go of something.

To dream that you are burying a living person, signifies emotional turmoil. Alternatively, it suggests that you are being buried by problems and stresses of your waking life.

In the dream, the person came back to life before the burial.

And this funeral took place on a campus, in a different country...

To dream that you are swimming, suggests that you are exploring aspects of your unconscious mind and emotions. The dream may be a sign that you are seeking some sort of emotional support. It is a common dream image for people going through therapy.

To dream that you are wearing a swimsuit, suggests that you are feeling exposed or emotionally vulnerable. Consider how you feel in the swimsuit. If you are comfortable, then it signifies a life of ease, relaxation and leisure. If you feel uncomfortable, then it represents a lack of self confidence. (uncomfortable)

To see a head in your dream, signifies wisdom, intellect, understanding and rationality. It may also represent your accomplishments, self-image, and perception of the world. The dream may also be metaphor to indicate that you are "ahead" in some situation or that you need to get ahead.

I also somehow went into the wrong part of the wrong church... b/c of this some big alarm went off. I was like, "I was just looking for *can't remember*" "Well, we don't have those/do that in this church" big hubub

Church
To see the outside of the church in your dream, signifies sacredness and spiritual nourishment. It is representative of your value system and the things you hold sacred.

To dream that you are in a church, suggests that you are seeking for some spiritual enlightenment and guidance. You are looking to be uplifted in some way. Perhaps you have made some mistakes in the past which have set you back on your path toward your goals. With proper support, you will get on the right track again. Alternatively, it may also mean that you are questioning and debating your life path and where it is leading. You are reevaluating what you want to do.

2010

Happy New Year! I can't believe it has been so long since I posted here. I've been myspacing and facebooking mostly, though. What I miss about this blog, though, is an anonymous audience. I did not blog a lot of things on my social network pages b/c I was afraid of how my friends and family might react. It is so much easier to air things out to an anonymous audience, just out into the abyss.

So, I am still working towards law school. I plan to take the LSAT in June of this year. Still have to study a lot and pay down my undergraduate loans. It's been five years since I first 'seriously' planned on law school, and it's about time I got a little bit more 'serious' about it.

I also think it is time for another trip. I have been in America for five years now and that is quite a long time for someone with my traveling heart. A few things have happened that make this more difficult as well, including having to use a cane now. I injured my knee a couple of months ago, and am still recovering. It's times like this when you wonder why you didn't do things before? When things were easier...when you didn't have such obstacles? Why didn't you jump at every opportunity?

Scrapbooking.... just popped into my head b/c Mom walked into the room and showed me a scrapbooking pin she got for me. Scrapbook stores in the area have been closing left and right. A couple of weeks ago, I went to the final of the final inventory closeout sale for the Scrapbook store near where Danielle used to live. When I started scrapbooking again after an unintended hiatus, I realized how long it had been when all of my pens and markers were dried up. This was after Mike's death, when life became complicated and hectic. Now, it seems, I do most of my 'scrapbooking' online; creating collages, blingees, etc. With this new batch of inventory, though, I hope that the scrapbooking bug bites once again and I can find some joy and solace in the craft.

There has been this commercial on TV asking, "What do you want to do before you die?" It's for some new MTV psuedo reality show. But I thought, "I have no idea". The only thing that really came to mind was going to law school. Now that I've had some more time to think, I can definitely list some places to which I would like to travel, like the Pyramids, Switzerland, Statue of Liberty.... I'd also like to learn sign language, speak French fluently.... What else? Find a cure for cancer? Well, I don't think that one is easy to fulfill. My life has been about survival for too long now. When this blog started, "Sabrina's Travels" was all about documenting all the great things I was seeing and experiencing in the world. Yes, I had a hard time after Mike's death, and I had obligations to fulfill, but I am free of that now and there is no reason for me to not live my life to the fullest. As said in that Chicken claymation movie, the only fences I face are those in my head. For some reason, those are always the hardest to break through.