Today

Today - Mardi Gras, Pancake Day, Paczki Day, day before lent - was uneventful for me. I didn't even eat a paczki (or a pancake for that matter). I slept late, did some shopping, played on the computer, oh and checked my email about twenty-five times wondering if Ronan would email me and say that he just booked a flight to Chicago because he had to see me and we'll figure something out.

But you know, other than that. Just an ordinary day.

I talked to Jon last night about the whole Ronan thing to kind of air it out. Regardless of what may or may not happen between Ronan and I, at the end I thought, "It's nice to know that someone out there loves you." And at that moment, I realized that I have been thinking, in my subconscious, for quite awhile now that I am unlovable. I remember all the mean things anyone has ever said and internalize it. I remember the mean things someone has done and think that I must be really unlovable for someone to do those things. I think of all my faults; my inability to cook, my messiness, my asthma, my weight, my sensitivity, my crabbiness and think, "Who would want to be with me?"

That is hard for me to admit, but, hell, it is harder to think that! Now I can see that isn't true. I see that my way of thinking was wrong. And for a couple of days, I felt better about myself. I felt like I could get back to the business of being me, who I want to be. And then I read my old blogs. I read about the horrible things Ronan had done in the past. I saw the patterns of declarations of love and running and hiding. Suddenly, I didn't feel so special. I didn't feel so loved. Those old insecure "unlovable" feelings came surging back. Am I not worth a plane ticket? Or a two hour drive (which happened with Jonathan as well). Or flowers. Or an email.

But rationally speaking, I know that I am worth it. I know that one day there will be someone who will love me so much that nothing will keep us apart. I know that I will feel safe and secure and never doubt his feelings. I know that there will be someone who would drive twelve hours to pick me up or to see me (like my dad did for mom). I know that someone can give me the unconditional love that I give. I know it. Now I just need to believe it.