Masochism

Masochism...I haz it.

I was just going through my old facebook messages and found the ones from Ronan deleted and blocked me as a friend. The mean messages are now freshest in my mind since I haven't spoken to him since last week. Gah, why did I read that? Masochist, I am.

When I check my email, I secretly hope that he has messaged me and that he still feels the same as he did last week during our phone conversation. Each time, though, no message. So, I was pasting in my old geocities blogs into blogger and there were these blogs about how Ronan would say he wanted to get back together and then not want to, disappear, etc. So I thought, "Well, was this time really any different?" Sure, we both made the decision that it just could not work like this. But, then I read a 2005 entry that mentioned Ronan and I were together, though living in different countries and I had lost my job. I let him know that I could now come be with him and we could be together since I didn't have anything holding me here and I never heard from him. Now, really this all just a moot point because Ronan and I aren't together. However, it makes me doubt the veracity of this recent phone conversation and declarations. Here I was thinking how bad it sucks that two people who love each other can't be together because they live in different countries. More so when they don't have money to fly back and forth or support the other in the country (because of work permit issues).

*Sigh*  But then I don't want to air these feelings for fear that it IS different and Ronan will read this and be put off that I have these doubts. One of the main differences between then and now is age. We were in our twenties then. Ronan in his early twenties at that. Being in your thirties is a whole new ballgame when it comes to emotional maturity.

Again, it is a moot point because we are not together. But the idea was that maybe, just maybe, if the stars aligned and we found ourselves able to make it work (i.e., be in the same country) then we would be together again. I guess what I'm afraid of is those stars aligning (i.e., me going to school in the UK) and me being left out in the cold.

But the most masochistic thing that I do is think too much! I'm tired of thinking and analyzing and wondering. That's one of the reasons why I told him that I can't do it like this. I need him to get out here and show me that he loves me. Because of all the mind changes, the disappearing acts, the time left wondering, I can't do that anymore. It just has to be no doubt in mind that this person loves me and will move mountains for me/to be with me. That's really all there is to it. So, why, then, do I keep getting that anxiety when checking my email? Check the landline phone to see if he's called? Search google to see how easy it is to find my address? Masochism. Pure and simple. As I've said, I've laid my cards on the table. If he wants me, he knows what to do. No amount of thinking and analyzing on my part is going to help that. I was honest and clear. But now I feel like I'm waiting for something that's not going to happen. And I know it's not going to happen because we said it! I am wishing and hoping for something is virtually impossible. Masochism.

Well, it's not impossible. People in different countries fall in love. People find a way. People save money. People move mountains for love.

They've just never moved them for me.