As you may know, I have frequent, vivid dreams. One of my recurring dreams is about going back to school. I'm in high school, but I'm my age and everyone I went to school with is there, too. When something goes wrong, like there's a test I haven't studied for, or a class I've missed, I think, "It's okay, I actually already graduated from high school. In fact, I've graduated from college and have a bachelor's degree." Then I realize that I've been going to school for fun. I just had some free time in the day and thought I'd brush up on my knowledge and so I enrolled in school.
Early last week, I was in a resale shop and picked up a book on interpreting dreams. I flipped to a page that said that often your dreams actually provide you for the tailor made solution to any problem you're having. Your subconscious already knows the answer, you just have to listen and understand it.
Later that week, I have this 'awakening' discussion with Ronan (who I'm not with, in case you missed my earlier post) and after we get off the phone, I sit at my computer and it hits me! A solution.
I've wanted to go to law school forever. Well, since I was five. I had looked at going to law school in the UK, but then applied for a postgraduate degree program. I was accepted, but funding was an issue. Apparently, you don't get as much funding for a post-bachelor's degree.
In the UK, a law degree is a bachelor's degree. I could use my law degree in the US in the state of New York. After five years, I could then practice elsewhere in the US.
I started my financial aid forms and need to do my taxes to finish, but I'm getting excited. It all seemed a bit like a pipe dream until I talked to Jenn about it, who encouraged me to do it. I guess it may still be a bit of a pipe dream, but if I do nothing, I will get nothing! I'll fill out the forms, research my options and see what comes of it.
It still makes me nervous as hell to think about it, mainly because there is some stuff I need to work on myself before I feel comfortable beginning a big, new journey. I still have anxiety. I still have depression. I'm still overweight. But that doesn't mean that I can't live life, right? I remember when I was going to Paris, I thought, "I can't go to Paris fat!" I shake my head at that now, but really, I'm thinking the same thing now. "I can't do this because x, y, z." One thing I learned in Paris, my first international trip, was that I am still the same regardless of my location. I guess that's kind of the point, though, of needing to work on me before I go. I don't expect that going away (again) will change anything. I need to do that on my own. In my own head. My own heart.
And back to Ronan, I haven't talked to him since our marathon phone conversation where we decided to leave things be. While I hope that being in the same country would allow us to be together, it's not the only reason I'm going. You may have noticed I mentioned working in the US after the degree. There is a "backup plan." Although it's really not a backup plan, it's THE plan. As I told Jenn, if Ronan said, "Fuck you", the first day I arrived, it wouldn't change anything. And because nothing concrete has been done about this yet, I haven't told him. We left things where they are (nowhere) for a reason. To disrupt that because of a possibility of being in the same country at some point in the future doesn't seem prudent. Of course, neither was emailing him today to tell him happy birthday. Damn it. Okay, let me get back to strong, confident Sabrina that has a plan and a dream that preceded Ronan. And I even have the proof because I blogged about it way back when. Another advantage of a blog. Or maybe typing this hoping that Ronan will come across it and know that there may be hope for a future. Damn it to hell. That was not strong and confident. Oh well, if there's any truth to this image about life being an echo, than perhaps hope, love and vulnerability will come back my way.
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