Birthday

Tomorrow I will be older. Yes, we will all be older tomorrow, God willing, but tomorrow I will have to start saying a different number when asked my age. All I can say is, I don't feel my age.

Thirty-fricking-five.

O.M.G.

As I look back on various milestones, the one that stands out the most to me is that it has been 11 1/2 years since I graduated college. I could've had various PhDs by now! Yet, I'm still living the life of a vagabond or pauper. Not that I measure life by material things; well, maybe a little. But mostly like where I live, what I'm doing professionally (or not), who I'm dating/married to (or not), kids, etc. Idk, definitely not where I thought I'd be for sure.

But I knew that a long time ago; that my course had changed. Not just when Mike died, not just when leaving the UK. Not really even when I was raped. It really changed course my last semester of college when I was diagnosed with clinical depression. It wasn't the diagnosis, per se, it was the onset of the disease. And now, it's the management of it.

That's what I feel, when I'm honest with myself. However, I know I am lucky. Just this weekend someone who was the exact same age as me, had the same medical issue I did (not depression), went to the same school, lived in the same town, and whose parent worked at the same place my parent does, died.

I am lucky to be alive, be relatively healthy, have a place to live, have all of my basic needs met. But am I living my life to the fullest? I know that I give all of myself freely to those I love. That I know. But in terms of work, travel, study - I could do more. I would like to do more.

After all, isn't this the real mid-life? I mean, not many people live to be 100.

But maybe I will. God willing. But for now, I'll focus on 35.