Crying Girl Update

Back in 2003, I posted about being The Crying Girl at the bus station.

After spending the night at my boyfriend's house in Derry, he unceremoniously sent me back on to a bus to Belfast (about two and half hours away). I was so confused. Why?

Nothing significant happened between the night before and the morning of. We took care of his infant daughter, who was sickly, and that was all. It always bothered me that I couldn't put the pieces of the puzzle together.

The "official" story was that it was his mate's birthday and they were going to have a "lad's night out." I said that was fine, I would go do touristy stuff around Derry. But they wouldn't be home until late. That's fine, I'll stay at the hostel downtown. Nope, that was a stupid idea. The dumbest idea he's every heard of, in fact. Shocked and aghast, I rode in the passenger seat to the bus station and walked away. "Don't let him see you cry!" I was saying to myself as my eyes betrayed me and welled up with tears. Fine, I just won't face him. He said goodbye. I said nothing.

Fast forward fifteen years, give or take. Believe you me, whenever we had our period contact, I asked him MANY times what the deal was with that kick to the curb, with no sufficient answer. I moved countries, fell in and out of love, suffered loss, became a teacher, started law school and then one simple electronic conversation brought it into focus.

In a recent conversation, it finally made sense. The night before the baby, something happened. We stayed at a bed and breakfast for a nice little romantic time together. (I will have to check my old blogs for the timing of this exactly, but I think that's the sequence of events.) Everything was hunky dory until I had a PTSD flashback while he was on top of me.

I had been raped by a former boyfriend about ten years prior. I thought I had worked through things, but this hyper emotional setting and the physical similarities between he and the rapist must have set me off (not that there ever has to be a reason). So I pushed him off of me. Apparently, I looked at him with such fear that he said he now knows what a rapist sees looking back at him.

Once it was over and we had moved on from it, I thought it was over. It wasn't. It still isn't. At least not for him. It really affected him.

Every time I think I have a grasp of how rape has affected me, I find something new. Rape and violent crime affects so many people close to the survivors in ways I never even imagined. When people think that because something happened years ago, it's over; here is another example of why it's not. Ten years after the fact, someone who I didn't even know when it happened, was directly affected by the trauma of rape.

It does not go away.

One relationship in my life that I thought wasn't affected by the attack; really was after all. Now I realize, they all are and forever will be.

Unsent Letter

In therapy, we learned that we could write letters (that we didn’t have to send) to people with whom we have unresolved issues. The letter should go;

Dear ___________,

1.) This is what happened   (ex: someone died)
2.) This is how it affected me…
3.) This is what I am thankful for… (like memories)
4.) This is how I’m going to continue my life (or if negative person, take my life back)

Sign it.

Here is my letter to one such person.

Dear Ronan,

You hurt me. You said you wanted to spend your life with me and have a child with me and then changed your mind a few days later. You blamed it on your relationship, yet when the relationship was over, you didn't come for me. You have been wishy-washy with me for years now and it hurts. When I found out about your NEW girlfriend, I cried. Not for very long, but I did cry.

You told me that we could try a relationship when yours with T--- was over; assuming I was single as well. I know I told you that if that happened, you would have to physically come get me. That was the boundary I set to protect myself – to ensure you were serious. 

Admittedly, it may seem like a tall order, but a.) it’s just a plane ride and b.) it’s for the woman you “love” and c.) it would lead to me making the bigger sacrifice of moving there. However, debating that is moot, because I don’t think you even considered it for one second. I don’t think I even entered your mind when your relationship with T--- ended despite the fact that we were emailing each other.

That’s speculation, though.

What actually happened was I needed to talk to you about something. I was going to write this letter to you and tell you about my treatment over the last two months and then I thought I could just talk to you about it. We are supposed to be friends, after all. I emailed you asking to talk and you emailed back that you didn’t “have time” because you were in a new relationship that you were quite focused on at the moment. Then typed, “What’s wrong?” Because I had said it was about me, not about me and you.

And you still “didn’t have time”. I emailed back and said I was surprised at your new relationship status given the last time we talked a.) you expected to be with T--- “two more years” b.) you didn’t consider me. I said I held no grudges because it was your life and you could do as your choose. We had made no commitments or set-in-stone plans. I told you the topic I wanted to discuss with you was my health, but that I’ll be fine, I’m sure of it.  

You didn’t reply.

This has affected me by hurting my feelings. More so, though, by not being able to trust what romantic partners (or potential ones) say. Our first date you said you would “show me” how much your cared and I only half believed you, thinking I’d believe it when I see it. Well, then you did show me! My heart changed for the better and that was amazing. Then your wishy-washiness began.

But I’m not talking about 2003, I’m talking about 2014. The wishy-washiness from January to now. How one day we’re practically planning a wedding and the next we’re strangers? How do you think I will feel when someone does ask me to marry him? Do you think there will be doubt in my heart? Absolutely. When someone calls a few minutes later than they said they would, there is the fear that they are gone forever. 

But I want to reiterate the biggest thing this has done to me – made me doubt love. I can only hope that will change and if, God willing, a man does drop to his knee to ask for my hand in marriage, there will not be a doubt in my heart. Because right now, it is still there.

I am thankful for the good times we had. That spark I felt when I first saw you outside the phone booth and standing across the table from you. I hope I can feel that with someone again. 

I’m thankful for the memory of sitting in the Cottage playroom in the dark and looking at the Belfast night sky. 

I’m thankful that you remembered even more about that night than I had (when we talked in January). I’m thankful that you came back the next weekend (showing me you were for real) and bringing me flowers, a SIM card and cough drops. 

I’m thankful that you let me help you with your daughter, Emma, the first time spent the night with you.

I’m thankful for the long friendship we’ve had. The type of relationship where I feel I can share anything.

I’m thankful for the memories of what it felt like to touch your face and kiss you – make love to you. Of how after the first time, I cried because it was so emotional. 

I’m thankful that I shared my Northern Ireland experience with you. 

I’m also thankful for the experience of giggling under the sheets at the B&B when the staff came to the door. 

This is how I’m going to continue my life: I have a guarded heart, but despite everything it is still open (which I think shows how loving I am). I am actively looking for a LIFE PARTNER! I will judge him by his actions, not yours. I will let him love me completely so that when he does propose, there is no room for doubt in my heart because it is so full of love for and from him. I will look forward to the future and not dwell on the past. I will not try to understand your actions (past, present, or future). I will remember that I deserve 100% every day from my partner and accept nothing less.

Sincerely,

Sabrina

Souls

People wonder why I even give thought to certain people (ahem, Ronan) but the reason is best described in that picture. From the moment I met him, I felt a connection. When I speak to him, when I'm in his presence, I feel this bond that I can't explain. It doesn't really make any rational sense at all. The time I was in Northern Ireland was brief and we didn't spend all that much time together then, either. He lived a couple hours away and my work schedule was insane. Yet, there was just this... connection. I can't think of another word to describe it. And ten years later, I still feel it. 

I've been hearing this song on the radio and focusing on the lyrics, "I just want to know you better." 

Turns out, it's another Taylor Swift song (I didn't even know it was her, I swear!) 

Law School and PMS

November 6, 2003 - 8:58 p.m
I went to the dr. today. I had a breast exam, and all was well. I got some tablets to help with my cramps and some iron pills. I am not feeling well at all today b/c it is cramp day. I was at work this morning, but towards the end of the day I started getting the sweats and feeling faint, so I came over to the house. I slept from 1:00 to 6:00 p.m. 

I called the American Bar Association today to find out about studying law here and taking the bar exam in America. This would be a lot cheaper for me. Anyhow, I was referred and referred and finally found out that, no, at least not in Illinois. I can do it in New York, but then I would have to practice in New York for five years before I could transfer to Illinois. Since I have no desire to live in New York, that’s a big downer for me. Oh well. 

I am very homesick lately. This afternoon, I had a dream that I went home for a surprise visit. I was very happy. The kids that I work with were there as well, though, I think. I am looking for cheap flights to go home for Christmas, so we will see. I don’t feel like I want to leave here for good, I just want to go for a visit.
Well, I’m going to phone John Marshall Law School in Chicago now, b/c, for the second time, my online request for information has encountered an error.
Hope all is well with everyone. Lots of love, Sabrina ;-)

Happy Halloween

Hello everyone. Hope you’re having a great Halloween. The fireworks are in full effect here in Belfast. I’ve got a lovely view of them all here from our mountain. Suzanne got back from Holiday late last night and Peter is expected back tomorrow. I woke up about 11:00, cleaned the kitchen, then took a nap until about 2:30. I hurried up and phoned and taxi and got ready while I waited for it. I was meant to catch a train at 3:30. I went down to a small town called Lurgan to meet a friend called Gavin. He is from Lurgan, but currently lives in London. He was in town for a few days to visit his family. We had a good time and he got drunk off two pints (sorry, mate) and I took the express train back to Belfast. We ran into one of Gavin’s nephews randomly on the street, and he came to the pub with us, which was good fun. Oh and after the pub, the nephew left and Gavin and I had some absolutely gorgeous chips! Yummy. (For my American friends, chips means fries, and they are a way of life here.)

I came back to Belfast via Botanic station, which is in Jay’s neighborhood, so I rang him up and paid him a visit. He was getting ready to go out for another ‘lad’s night out’. I told him every night out is a lad’s night out! Anyhow, I don’t know if I mentioned this, but Jason and I are friends. I was mad for a few days and made a cathartic web page (see October 28th) and then I was over it. I’m glad that we’re friends and I hope we stay so for a really long time.

After Jay’s it was back to my house and I watched a bit of the fireworks, had a soup and sandwich and here I am. My throat is killing me, though, and I’m finding it difficult to swallow properly (no comments from the peanut gallery, please.) I was thinking about how often I winge and moan on here, but then again, this is a journal thing. Gavin was intrigued by my whole site and the premise of an online journal, and it started out as pragmatic, but it’s turned to something else. Making the page about me and Jay breaking up was the best therapy I could’ve had. Putting the England section on there felt great, and I kept going on and looking at it. It’s like my personal scrapbook. I want to add more and more and then I can clearly look at what I’ve done, what I’ve felt and what I thought when I was going through it all.

That’s more than I ever expected to get from doing a silly web site!

Hope all is well with everyone.

Lots of love, Sabrina
(the teenage witch mwuahahaha) :-)