Crying Girl Update

Back in 2003, I posted about being The Crying Girl at the bus station.

After spending the night at my boyfriend's house in Derry, he unceremoniously sent me back on to a bus to Belfast (about two and half hours away). I was so confused. Why?

Nothing significant happened between the night before and the morning of. We took care of his infant daughter, who was sickly, and that was all. It always bothered me that I couldn't put the pieces of the puzzle together.

The "official" story was that it was his mate's birthday and they were going to have a "lad's night out." I said that was fine, I would go do touristy stuff around Derry. But they wouldn't be home until late. That's fine, I'll stay at the hostel downtown. Nope, that was a stupid idea. The dumbest idea he's every heard of, in fact. Shocked and aghast, I rode in the passenger seat to the bus station and walked away. "Don't let him see you cry!" I was saying to myself as my eyes betrayed me and welled up with tears. Fine, I just won't face him. He said goodbye. I said nothing.

Fast forward fifteen years, give or take. Believe you me, whenever we had our period contact, I asked him MANY times what the deal was with that kick to the curb, with no sufficient answer. I moved countries, fell in and out of love, suffered loss, became a teacher, started law school and then one simple electronic conversation brought it into focus.

In a recent conversation, it finally made sense. The night before the baby, something happened. We stayed at a bed and breakfast for a nice little romantic time together. (I will have to check my old blogs for the timing of this exactly, but I think that's the sequence of events.) Everything was hunky dory until I had a PTSD flashback while he was on top of me.

I had been raped by a former boyfriend about ten years prior. I thought I had worked through things, but this hyper emotional setting and the physical similarities between he and the rapist must have set me off (not that there ever has to be a reason). So I pushed him off of me. Apparently, I looked at him with such fear that he said he now knows what a rapist sees looking back at him.

Once it was over and we had moved on from it, I thought it was over. It wasn't. It still isn't. At least not for him. It really affected him.

Every time I think I have a grasp of how rape has affected me, I find something new. Rape and violent crime affects so many people close to the survivors in ways I never even imagined. When people think that because something happened years ago, it's over; here is another example of why it's not. Ten years after the fact, someone who I didn't even know when it happened, was directly affected by the trauma of rape.

It does not go away.

One relationship in my life that I thought wasn't affected by the attack; really was after all. Now I realize, they all are and forever will be.

Would I do it all again? Ronan Edition

Last night after a nice day with my boyfriend and his kids, I settled down to sleep. I had this very vivid dream. I was having a conversation in the cosmos with Ronan. Arguing/debating over whether all the hurt, drama and emotional scarring was worth the short amount of time we had together. I wondered aloud whether I would choose to do it all again. Ronan and I were discussing whether or not this would happen again in life, as if we were souls deciding our bodies' fate.

I was angry and relaying all the pain and hurt. Shouting. Crying. Indignant. Certain I would never make that mistake again. Then I remembered: the feeling of love at first sight.

I remembered how my heart skipped a beat. I remembered looking up at him when we first met outside of the phone booth in downtown Belfast. I remembered what it felt like to have my arms around his neck. I remembered it all. My eyes softened and now I was smiling through the tears. Would I want to go through life without having had that feeling? Never. So then and there my soul decided that I would make that choice again. If I were to send myself back to 2003, I would make the same choice, no regrets. All worth it for the feeling of love. 

I just wish I had more photos. 

Oh, how much I've learned. And to be clear, when I say I would do it again, I mean, I wouldn't change anything from the past. I have the choices to make in the future, and I would not put myself through more pain and hurt with this particular man because I've learned it goes nowhere. But I wouldn't take it back. 

Law School and PMS

November 6, 2003 - 8:58 p.m
I went to the dr. today. I had a breast exam, and all was well. I got some tablets to help with my cramps and some iron pills. I am not feeling well at all today b/c it is cramp day. I was at work this morning, but towards the end of the day I started getting the sweats and feeling faint, so I came over to the house. I slept from 1:00 to 6:00 p.m. 

I called the American Bar Association today to find out about studying law here and taking the bar exam in America. This would be a lot cheaper for me. Anyhow, I was referred and referred and finally found out that, no, at least not in Illinois. I can do it in New York, but then I would have to practice in New York for five years before I could transfer to Illinois. Since I have no desire to live in New York, that’s a big downer for me. Oh well. 

I am very homesick lately. This afternoon, I had a dream that I went home for a surprise visit. I was very happy. The kids that I work with were there as well, though, I think. I am looking for cheap flights to go home for Christmas, so we will see. I don’t feel like I want to leave here for good, I just want to go for a visit.
Well, I’m going to phone John Marshall Law School in Chicago now, b/c, for the second time, my online request for information has encountered an error.
Hope all is well with everyone. Lots of love, Sabrina ;-)

New roommate

November 5, 2003 - 9:30 p.m.
Peter and our new roommate, Eva, are talking away in German. Suzanne has slipped away to the port a cabin, and I am painstakingly trying to type this with two bandaged fingers. The one that I cut with a knife at residential over a month ago is still bandaged, and I got the smallest of small paper cuts that is just aching. I know, it is the most piddly thing ever, but it’s just making my typing a bit difficult b/c the fingers involved are the forefingers on each hand. So, Eva arrived tonight as we were all eating dinner. It was about 8:00 and we had just finished work at 7:30. She is German, 20 years old and will be here until March. She reminds me of someone I’ve known, but I can’t yet think of who.
The Quaker reception last night was quite nice. We got very lost on the way there, so were a little late, but made it in the end. Louise, the youth program co-ordinator, also went because she is new staff as well. I thought the people were really nice and the dinner was lovely. They gave us food to take home, too! ;-) had a great time, but when we got in the bus to go home, Peter was wingeing about how he had wanted to go an hour earlier. I swear, there is a side to Peter coming out that really suggests a closed-mindedness that I never knew of before. Today Suzanne said something about one of the past volunteers being gay and Peter replied with disgust, “and he worked with children?” Suzanne made some comment that one would expect to be made and then Peter said that he was only kidding, but I don’t think that was the case, or even if it was, I would never have thought to make that comment even in jest. Peter is not that comically sophisticated, anyways.

Jason did phone me tonight. I swear, my heart aches from missing him.

I slept late this morning b/c I had the most vivid dreams were everyone was so disappointed in me and I owed them everything. I also had two broken legs in casts and was walking around on crutches. So weird.
Right now I’m looking at fares for going home for Christmas. I don’t know if it’s a possibility yet, but we shall see.
Hope all is well with everyone and I look forward to hearing from you. Lots of love, Sabrina ;-)

Last day of vacation

November 2, 2003 – 6:20 p.m.
Ah, the last day of vacation. I must say, it’s been very nice getting to sleep WHENEVER I want for as LONG as I want. Ahhh, yes, bliss. It has been a relaxing week, indeed. I don’t regret not going anywhere, I am a bit of a hermit sometimes and I do really enjoy sleeping, in case you didn’t already get that. I am a bit nervous about going back to work tomorrow. It’s kind of like the first day of school. I do miss the kids, though, so it will be nice to see them again. I know yesterday’s entry seemed a bit down, and I was a bit down, but after talking to Jason and my Mom, I felt a lot better. I’m starting to look more into law school and maybe start the ball rolling on that. I’ll keep you posted!

This was pasted in from my old geocities page on 2/12/13

Happy Halloween

Hello everyone. Hope you’re having a great Halloween. The fireworks are in full effect here in Belfast. I’ve got a lovely view of them all here from our mountain. Suzanne got back from Holiday late last night and Peter is expected back tomorrow. I woke up about 11:00, cleaned the kitchen, then took a nap until about 2:30. I hurried up and phoned and taxi and got ready while I waited for it. I was meant to catch a train at 3:30. I went down to a small town called Lurgan to meet a friend called Gavin. He is from Lurgan, but currently lives in London. He was in town for a few days to visit his family. We had a good time and he got drunk off two pints (sorry, mate) and I took the express train back to Belfast. We ran into one of Gavin’s nephews randomly on the street, and he came to the pub with us, which was good fun. Oh and after the pub, the nephew left and Gavin and I had some absolutely gorgeous chips! Yummy. (For my American friends, chips means fries, and they are a way of life here.)

I came back to Belfast via Botanic station, which is in Jay’s neighborhood, so I rang him up and paid him a visit. He was getting ready to go out for another ‘lad’s night out’. I told him every night out is a lad’s night out! Anyhow, I don’t know if I mentioned this, but Jason and I are friends. I was mad for a few days and made a cathartic web page (see October 28th) and then I was over it. I’m glad that we’re friends and I hope we stay so for a really long time.

After Jay’s it was back to my house and I watched a bit of the fireworks, had a soup and sandwich and here I am. My throat is killing me, though, and I’m finding it difficult to swallow properly (no comments from the peanut gallery, please.) I was thinking about how often I winge and moan on here, but then again, this is a journal thing. Gavin was intrigued by my whole site and the premise of an online journal, and it started out as pragmatic, but it’s turned to something else. Making the page about me and Jay breaking up was the best therapy I could’ve had. Putting the England section on there felt great, and I kept going on and looking at it. It’s like my personal scrapbook. I want to add more and more and then I can clearly look at what I’ve done, what I’ve felt and what I thought when I was going through it all.

That’s more than I ever expected to get from doing a silly web site!

Hope all is well with everyone.

Lots of love, Sabrina
(the teenage witch mwuahahaha) :-)

Cathartic

Ah, it's amazing how cathartic making yesterday's page was for me.  I feel all better now!  The photo above is from this summer when I volunteered in England.  The staff spent many nights hanging out on the beach. 

Last night, I met a new friend named Philip. (Not to be confused with the old friend named Philip.)  It was nice to have company since I'm here in the house all by my lonesome. 

Today I felt all better mentally, but am physically sick.  Ah, the twists and turns of life.  The cold I mentioned yesterday has come to fruition, and I have been nursing it with coffee.  Hey, it works for me, okay? Orange juice made me cough more. 

I've managed to do a good portion of my laundry today.  Yay me!  I still have a load sitting over in the cottage in the dryer, but umm, it'll still be dry later, right? :-)

My aunt and cousins are at my parents' house visiting.  I phoned earlier to speak to them, and I wanted to be there so badly.  I told Mom to just put me on speakerphone and then I could hang out with them! ;-)

Well, my stomach is grumbling, and as much as I've tried to ignore it, I know I can no longer wait to get off my bootay and make me some pasta.

Hope all is well.

Lots of love,
Sabrina :-)
 
This was pasted in from my old geocities page on 2/12/13, which is archived here www.geocities.ws/sabrinigreen/Oct292003.html