Mondays. Normally I don't like Mondays (kind of like that song, though not that extreme) but I've started taking Mondays off work and they are a lot better now. I don't work forty hours a week, or at least I'm not supposed to, so I decided no work for me on Monday. I'm working today, though, but it's just meetings so not too bad. I went to the dr. this morning to get some more blood taken. I am really a wuss at this sort of thing and get all dizzy and lightheaded when they've taken like a nano-ounce of blood. Well, I am anemic after all! Anyhoo, this is to see if the iron pills are working and if the mysterious infection that was in my body before has gone or not. Then I have a meeting in a bit to discuss some new international volunteers for the fall and then at 3:30 a meeting with Groundwork to discuss a joint project.

It is a beautiful day in the neighbourhood today! We might paint our fence tomorrow with the kids. Olka says ours is the shabbiest on our street. Funny how I never noticed...

Well, I better do some work before my meeting. You know, since Monday's my day off and all!

Later gators,
Sabrina :-)

Weeeeeeeeeheeeeeeeeeeee, it's Friday! I like Friday. I like Friday because it is immediately followed by Saturday. I really like Saturday. I really like Saturday because (theoretically) I don't have to work. And then there's Sunday...
You get my point.

I've no plans for the weekend other than to go to the post office (yay, rah) and maybe grocery shopping (hold on to your hats). Oh yeah and I have to go to the bank. Seriously, the fun never stops.

I'm at work downtown at the minute. I'm technically on my lunch break, so I'm technically not breaking any rules other than the technical rule that the Internet shouldn't be used for personal purposes. Technically.

I got some more details about the WorldSmart programme. I still haven't heard about the scholarship. I think a career in phone sex is on the horizon...

Until then, though, I better get back to this do gooder job I have.

Later gators,
Sabrina :-)

Okay, so the committee meeting last night was a battle indeed. Complete with shouting matches, expletives and tears, it was a spectacle for sure. And at the centre of it was me. The tears were mine as the shouting and expletives were directed my way. I have to say, though, that it was two people against me (who are married to one another) and the rest supported me, so that's good. Other than that, it was actually a productive meeting. I was very proud that the volunteers I recruited are now already in officer positions. I also recruited another committee member whose children are in the group. Strangely enough, I repeatedly woke myself up last night because I was LAUGHING in my sleep. Really bizarre. Of course, at the time of the shouting, I was tempted to tell them to take this job and shove it, but I decided I'd wait to make a big decision until I was calmer and I decided to stick with it. The kids have no idea that this sort of stuff goes on and they are happy as ever with the work I am doing with them. That is what makes me stay. I realize that I am not a person that blends in with the woodwork. I have a strong personality and I have a strong desire for social change. I will always stick to my beliefs and stick up for them, no matter who decides they want to shout and swear at me. Bring it on.

I am busily preparing for the committee meeting tonight. These meetings are like battles for me! They always give me headaches. Anywhoo, today is pay day, but since I am not in the office today, I likely won't get it until tomorrow. Wednesday is usually my day to run errands, but as I usually don't have any money left, I can't. Hmm, I'll have to sort that out or something.

I finished typing up my notes from the weekend Alternatives to Violence course and sent them off to my groupmates.

Congratulations to Jason for finishing his exams today! Woohoo! Actually, he's probably still taking them at this very moment, but by the end of today he will likely be a much happier man.

I'm now starting the process of applying for coursework for the fall. I have been accepted into the WorldSmart program, but the funding decisions have not been made yet. We shall see.

Hope all is well with everyone. I've been on this 'puter too long, I'm starting to get a headache...

Love,
Sabrina :-)

Hey, hey! Sabrina got her groove back!

I was away this weekend at a training course and low and behold, I met someone. Yep, so I hooked up with this guy on the course and I'll spare the details because my Mum reads this (HAPPY MOTHERS DAY, MOM!) but lets just say the breaks were far more entertaining! Now I'm a happier and more calm person for the time being, so that's a plus.

Although I did get into an argument in the course (which was Alternatives to Violence) on his behalf which made me realize that I did actually like him and it wasn't just a hook up.

Anyhow, it has been a long weekend and I just came straight to the office to check my email and haven't even gone home yet, so I'm off. Oh, but I did find out that I've been accepted into the WorldSmart program starting in August which goes to 19 cities in 19 weeks in three regions of the world. Six of the cities are in Japan, which is where I am especially excited to go. So a big woohoo for that!

Miss you and love you loads, Mom, have a great Mother's Day!!!

Love,
Sabrina :-)

Hello there! Well after Mr. Ronan told me that he did not want to talk to me and even changed his phone number just in case I decided to start calling him (thus getting him in trouble w/his girlfriend), he called me last night. Of course I was sleeping, though this call was earlier than most, 1:00 a.m. I made some remark about why he was calling me and he said he'll just put the phone down then, and I responded, "you already woke me up, you might as well say something!" I don't remember what we talked about or even for how long, but I do remember that he hung up on me!

I missed the singing group tonight because I took a nap that was just a bit too long! I got home from work downtown and laid down, thinking I would rest for an hour and didn't wake up until quarter to nine! D'oh!! Tomorrow afternoon we are going swimming with the kids. Should be fun. I have two adult volunteers other than myself and Olka lined up! Hey, hey, that's what I say! I was talking to one of the mums tonight and she was asking if Olka and I ever go out for a drink, and I gave her the somber truth, that no, we never. She said she'll invite us 'round and even get some Coca-cola for me! Weehee!

I am going to some peacemaker training this weekend. Actually, it starts tomorrow night and runs all weekend. Maybe then I'll know how to deal with the people on the estate who pester me.

Well, I'm still tired, so I will go back to beddie bye. Oh dear, I just remembered I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow and work at the office. D'oh! Hmmm....I'll have to give that one a think.

Later gators!

Love,
Sabrina :-)

I am feeling depressed and I'm not entirely sure why. My usual comfort methods are not working, so now I turn to the blog to sort out the clutter in my head.

First of all, it has finally hit me that I am NEVER, EVER, EVER going to be with either Jason or Ronan again. While it may have seemed like a foregone conclusion to some, I really thought that Ronan and I would get back together. Jason and I have hit our stride as mates and that seems all fine and good but when I get down, I can't help but remember that there is another woman in his life that is higher on his priority list than moi. And Ronan, well, it has finally come to pass. He has finally given up the dilly dallying on whether or not he loves me to say that he just wants to be with his 17 year old girlfriend and that's that. Okie dokie.

In other news, my college boyfriend has recently gotten engaged. I am actually quite happy for him, but I think it is still somehow playing on my psyche as it was less than a year ago that we were last together. Oh and that I was the girlfriend immediately previous to her. Dude whatever.

So what else? Oh yes, I am completely and utterly disdained with my physical appearance. It used to just be about my body, but now its everything. I think my face is gross, my hair is disgusting, my nails are scary, etc, etc. I was talking to Jason about it and he said, "you're the only one who can do something about it." This is true. Trouble is, that when I'm feeling this down about myself, I can't pluck up the courage to to barely even leave the house.

One of my bosses is pissed off at me. It really sucks having three and a half bosses, because keeping them all happy all at the same time is damn near impossible and I am far to sensitive to have one of them pissed at me all the time.

I don't feel I am doing enough work on the estate. I wonder if I will make a difference here. I have gotten threats on my life and I have no idea what I am going to do when my time here ends in September.

I feel completely irresponsible. I have not yet posted my mum's Mother's Day card for the American Mother's Day on the 9th of May. I haven't paid my bills on time. I am completely broke until I get paid on Wednesday.

Well, I guess I can see that there are some things that are troubling me. Hmm, well I suppose that's a start.

I just want to clarify that the post from the 29th of April is from a forwarded email I received, not my own words. I decided to make that clear after someone quoted one of the lines to me in response to something I had said or done. Hey, I'm not Mother Theresa, okay? I did come to live on a council estate in one of the most deprived areas in northwest England to work with young people who are often excluded from school for having behavioural problems, but for f*ck's sake, I'm human, okay?!

Now that that's out of the way...

It is a beautiful day in the neighbourhood here in Manchester. A lovely summer day. It even put me in the mood to clean! Now that is some weather! I am really looking forward to our litter picking session later this week so we can clean up the park and then maybe when it is nice like this we can have picnics and stuff there. That would be nice.

So Thursday is the last episode of Friends in America. We're a few weeks behind here in the UK. As was the case with Sex and the City, the details of the episode were published in newspapers the day after it aired in America. Today, in one of the papers, there were details of the second to last episode where Rachel is moving to Paris and she kissed Ross or something. Have Monica and Chandler gotten their baby yet?

Will & Grace is much further behind; about 18 months. It's so annoying. I actually saw these episodes when I was still in America. Ah well, c'est la vie.

I just saw this story on CNN.com about Arnold Schwarzenegger bobble-head dolls. How funny.

Here's another article about OCD and the creative process, again from CNN.com. See, normal is only what you make of it. Normal is boring.

I want to make a book of photos of red headed women. I think that would be great. I've been checking out some of the red head websites to see if anyone has done it before.

Well, now that the sun is no longer in its peak strength, this red head will go outside and hopefully not get burnt!

Hasta la vista ;-)

I've learned....
That life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer it gets to the end, the
faster it goes.

I've learned....
That we should be glad YHWH doesn't give us everything we ask for.

I've learned....
That money doesn't buy class.

I've learned....
That it's those small daily happenings that make life so spectacular.

I've learned...
That under everyone's hard shell is someone who wants to be appreciated and
loved.

I've learned....
That the Lord didn't do it all in one day. What makes me think I can?

I've learned....
That to ignore the facts does not change the facts.

I've learned....
That when you plan to get even with someone, you are only letting that
person continue to hurt you.

I've learned....
That love, not time, heals all wounds.

I've learned....
That the easiest way for me to grow as a person is to surround myself with
people smarter than I am.

I've learned....
That everyone you meet deserves to be greeted with a smile.

I've learned....
That there's nothing sweeter than sleeping with your babies and feeling their breath on your cheeks.

I've learned....
That no one is perfect until you fall in love with them.

I've learned...
That life is tough, but I'm tougher.

I've learned....
That opportunities are never lost; someone will take the ones you miss.

I've learned....
That when you harbor bitterness, happiness will dock elsewhere.

I've learned....
That one should keep his words both soft and tender, because tomorrow he may
have to eat them.

I've learned....
That a smile is an inexpensive way to improve your looks.

I've learned....
That I can't choose how I feel, but I can choose what I do about it.

I've learned...
That when your newly born child holds your little finger in his little fist, that you're hooked for life.

I've learned....
That everyone wants to live on top of the mountain, but all the happiness
and growth occurs while you're climbing it.

I've learned ...
That it is best to give advice in only two circumstances; when it is
requested and when it is a life threatening situation.

I've learned....
That the less time I have to work with, the more things I get done.

Here are some bits from another email thingie I received:

Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't
mean they don't love you with all they have.

To the world you may be one person, but to one person you may be the
world.

Don't cry because it is over, smile because it happened (This is my mantra!!! - Sabrina)

I love you not because of who you are, but because of who I am when I am with you.

It has a been a beautiful day today. Like a real summer day, both today and yesterday. Feels nice.

I made a new photo page. Check it out!

Talked to my Mom today. I was feeling really down and stuff, but she talked to me a bit so then I felt all better :-)

Me and Olka have been getting along. She is out riding her new bike! She loves it. I am a bit too clumsy for a bike. I do want to go swimming, though.

I am going to the Lake District on Thursday. I have booked this really secluded hostel with great scenery. I can't wait to just relax and look out onto the lake and the moutains. i will probably take lots of photos.

I was supposed to be going to London tomorrow, but that fell through. Oh well, c'est la vie!

Right so things are fine and dandy here. I got first aid certified on Saturday, which is good. Seven kids did as well, which is brill(iant). I had a relaxing weekend. I decide to take today off since I've been working far more hours than I am supposed to, but now I am here in the office doing some work. I have two meetings tomorrow and a project, along with a committee meeting on Wednesday. Also, I'm supposed to have some report done by tomorrow as well. One of my bosses is really getting on my nerves, but that's nothing new because he always gets on my nerves. He accused Olka of using his 'personal' coffee and tea that is here in the office. So weird. Anyhow, neither of us took his precious teabags and he is just cross all around.

I may be going to Northern Ireland next month for work. There is a dreamscheme there and we will be visiting it. I also have to meet with someone who will be coming out to Manchester to do conflict resolution training with the kids.

I swear I feel like I've gained ten pounds in one day. Maybe I'm just bloated. I don't know, but it's starting to bug me now. It's like anytime I make a decision to lose weight, more just magically appears. I feel like I have this hidden personality that is determined to sabotage any slimming efforts.

Well, I need to get back on that report and make some flyers reminding about the committee meeting on Wednesday. Talk to you later, gators!

Lots of love,
Sabrina :-)

The moods of a woman

This is an amazing little story about
~ATTITUDE~


Jerry is the kind of guy you love to hate. He is always in a good mood and always has something positive to say. When someone would ask him how he was doing, he would reply, "If I were any better, I would be twins!" He was a unique manager because he had several waiters who had followed him around from restaurant to restaurant. The reason the waiters followed Jerry was because of his attitude. He was a natural motivator. If an employee was having a bad day, Jerry was there telling the employee how to look on the positive side of the situation.

Seeing this style really made me curious, so one day I went up to Jerry and asked him, I don't get it! You can't be a positive person all of the time. How do you do it?" Jerry replied, "Each morning I wake up and say to myself, Jerry, you have two choices today. You can choose to be in a good mood or you can choose to be in a bad mood. I choose to be in a good mood. Each time something bad happens, I can choose to be a victim or I can choose to learn from it. I choose to learn from it. Every time someone comes to me complaining, I can choose to accept their complaining or I can point out the positive side of life. I choose the positive side of life.

"Yeah, right, it's not that easy," I protested.

"Yes it is," Jerry said. "Life is all about choices. When you cut away all the junk, every situation is a choice. You choose how you react to situations. You choose how people will affect your mood. You choose to be in a good mood or bad mood. The bottom line: It's your choice how you live life."

I reflected on what Jerry said. Soon thereafter, I left the restaurant industry to start my own business. We lost touch, but I often thought about him when I made a choice about life instead of reacting to it. Several years later, I heard that Jerry did something you are never supposed to do in a restaurant business: he left the back door open one morning and was held up at gunpoint by three armed robbers. While trying to open the safe, his hand, shaking from nervousness, slipped off the combination. The robbers panicked and shot him. Luckily, Jerry was found relatively quickly and rushed to the local trauma center. After 18 hours of surgery and weeks of intensive care, Jerry was released from the hospital with fragments of the bullets still in his body.

I saw Jerry about six months after the accident. When I asked him how he was, he replied, "If I were any better, I'd be twins. Wanna see my scars?"

I declined to see his wounds, but did ask him what had gone through his mind as the robbery took place. "the first thing that went through my mind was that I should have locked the back door, " Jerry replied. "Then, as I lay on the floor, I remembered that I had two choices: I could choose to live or I could choose to die. I chose to live."

"Weren't you scared? Did you lose consciousness?" I asked.

Jerry continued, "...the paramedics were great. They kept telling me I was going to be fine. But when they wheeled me into the ER and I saw the expressions on the faces of the doctors and nurses, I got really scared. In their eyes, I read 'he's a deadman'. I knew I needed to take action."

"What did you do?" I asked.

"Well, there was a big burly nurse shouting questions at me," said Jerry. "She asked if I was allergic to anything. 'Yes' I replied. The doctors and nurses stopped working as they waited for my reply. I took a deep breath and yelled, 'Bullets!' Over their laughter, I told them, 'I am choosing to live. Operate on me as if I am alive, not dead'."

Jerry lived thanks to the skill of his doctors, but also because of his amazing attitude. I learned from him that every day we have the choice to live fully. Attitude, after all, is everything.
The next move is up totally to YOU!

From LOLfun.com Accessed on 13 April 2004

I've completely lost my faith in humanity. Forget the concrete the boys had to break the windows, on Easter Sunday, their older brothers came back with an axe. Now the family of refugees who were supposed to move in this week will have nowhere to stay. There were fires and fights and an attempted murder on the estate all over Easter. I am far too sensitive for this sort of lifestyle. The boys then turned to my house and threw a broken pool cue among other things at our windows. I actually went after them with the pool cue and told them if they had a problem to take it up with me instead of throwing things at my house. I haven't seen them since.

I'm still so hurt over Jason and Ronan. I texted Jason and said I wanted to talk and he texted back saying he was at his girlfriend's house, we'll talk later. Two days later, I still haven't heard from him. I had a phone conversation with Ronan at about 3:30 this morning but I don't remember anything except for that he got a cat and I texted him this morning asking what his text of "maybe" that he sent at about 3:30 am was referring to. I haven't heard from him either.

I had said that I would speak to neither of them. Ronan phoned and apologized after reading my website. Jason is too close of a friend and it hurt more to not speak to him. I don't know, but right now I can't stop crying and I hurt because of many things, but these two are a couple of them.

Now, I'm not sure if I wrote this before, but I started losing my faith in humanity after seeing a photo on the front page of The Guardian of Iraq citizens in Fallujah laughing and smiling as they fanned the flames of the mutililated body of an American civilian. I couldn't and still can't believe it. I wonder if I am making a difference at all. These kids live here all their lives and see violence of all sorts all the time. How can I possibly steer them away from that? Our estate is quite good and manageable, but we are only one set of houses, surrounded by council estates with all the violence and mindset that goes with it. We don't exist in a bubble and I don't know if I can tackle the poverty of the world.

First of all, whoever thought it was a good idea to put poor people all together on an estate can kiss my butt. Seriously. My mother voiced this opinion (except for the kiss my butt part) many years ago, when referring to the high rises in Chicago.

I saw this movie on tv the other night called "Erasable You" and it was a satire. One character said, "I wish all the poor people could just go to their own island and just be poor together. Wouldn't that be great?!" The idea of council estates and high rises is just that. Put all the poor people together and then the middle or high classes won't have to mix with them.

White flight is still a huge problem in the cities and suburbs of America. If a black family moves in, the neighbors say, "there goes the neighborhood" and move out to another lily white 'hood. This flight is what causes property prices to fall, but what is said is that the value of property goes down simply because a black person moved in. That's rubbish. People just don't think logically. It happened on the south side of Chicago and I read an article called, "What if we would have stayed?" referring to the masses of white families who left the south side as it became more diverse. Chicago is practically split down the middle with the south side being predominantly black, and having a bad reputation for being a hihg crime area. "oooo the south side", the north siders side with fear and pity.

Many people before me have said it, but what separates us more than anything is not race or religion, but socio-economic status. Sure everyone loved watching the Cosby's on TV because they were upper middle class. Movies or television that depict the ghetto are just referred to as "black movies" even if the stars themselves, such as eminem, aren't black. It is fanned by both sides of the fence, the poor and the rich. If I went to see a "black movie" wearing business attire, I would not go unnoticed.

However, it is also a chicken or the egg argument. Are the poor just reacting to their oppression? Are the rich just reacting to the violence they've experience at the hands of the "poor"?

The change needs to be societal. How does a society change? How do beliefs change? Sometimes there are movements which change the government, which then changes beliefs on a wider scale, slowly, such as Martin Luther King's movement for integration. Other times, the government comes first and changes beliefs.

So what can we do? What shall we do? I don't know, but I know that I definitely want to go to law school to start to find out.

Well, hello, hello everyone! It has been a busy week indeed. On the lighter side of things, I received a package from my Mom. She sent me a big chocolate easter bunny! She also sent me a card with a cute little bunny and blue bird on the front that says "For a Sweet Daughter". Awww! I was "buzzing" as the kids say. (That means really happy not slightly drunk.) I also met Prince Edward, Duke of Kent, and spoke to him about Dreamscheme. That was quite interesting. I went to Laser Quest with the kids...all 19 of them! It went surprisingly well. I was a bit worried with that number of kids, but it went well. We did a fundraiser leafletting around the neighborhood and nearby Quays. That went better than expected, but there was a bit of hitch when we got a complaint about leaflets on the ground. Doh!

On a not so light side, I witnessed a car being stolen from a mum with a preschooler, got some abnormal medical results, saw the aftermath of a bloody fight and yelled at boys with big pieces of concrete in their hands twice for breaking windows at the house opposite.

A busy week indeed.

Again, I feel the need to start my post with 'why oh why'. Why are emotions so irrational? Why can't I just make a decision and stick to it because it is the best thing for me? Why do my feelings have such a hold on me? I realize that feelings are what make people empathetic, sympathetic and kind, but right now, I wish I could just pull the emotions out of my body and place them on the shelf for awhile. I feel like I should've just let Jason go forever back in October when our romantic relationship ended. I was determined to have a friendship, though, because I enjoyed his company and because I didn't know that many people (if any) in Belfast. I thought I was doing great, and met more people, even started another relationship, but low and behold, my feelings for Jason came back to bite me in the ass, as I cheated on new boyfriend with him.

I listen to the message on my voicemail and I think, "that doesn't sound like a woman who would compromise herself for a couple of guys." I sound assertive and confident. I feel like I am able to see myself as some others may see me; living life the way I want - living in a foreign land, doing the work I want, making choices I want to make. Yet somehow, in this phase of my life, I keep allowing myself to be swallowed up by the emotions of romance.

I feel so silly that I am depressed because a boy doesn't like me. There are children starving in every region of the world, but I am depressed because a boy doesn't like me. Some of the children I work with are abused physically, emotionally and sexually, but I am depressed because a boy doesn't like me. People the world over are shitting themselves for fear of terrorism and I am depressed because a boy doesn't like me. It doesn't seem quite right.

The problem is that it is more than that. I am doing all I can to help the children I work with. I feel I am doing my little bit to help make this planet a little bit of a better place, at least for some people, or even a few people. I'm comfortable with that. What I am sad about is that there is no one there to greet me when I get home from this work, when I'm overwhelmed by all the sadness, poverty and terror in the world, there is no one there to hold me or comfort me. I am not trying to make myself out to be a martyr of any sort, I am just saying that what I miss is not Jason, not Ronan, not any of the faces in particular; the names change as the years go by, but the need to feel loved remains. It is a basic human need that I pushed away for so long. I finally opened myself up to it again, and now I miss it. I know what I am missing and it sucks; it hurts. Yes, I want to be loved. Yes, I would like to be loved by Jason and/or Ronan. But it also hurts that both of these men ended their relationship with me and are now both involved with other women. There's also the thought of "what do they have that I don't?" "Why wasn't I good enough for them?" "What's wrong with me that they didn't want me?" Then you start thinking about all the other relationships that have ended or never even began and really start to wonder whether ANYONE will EVER want you....much less want you FOREVER.

For my honors paper in Interpersonal Communication, I researched relationship dissolution (i.e., breaking up). The point was made that every romantic relationship one will ever have will end - except for one. How can we bear that? If you got food poisoning from eating jellyfish, would you eat it fifty more times hoping that the fifty first would be the time you didn't puke all over yourself?

Well, no, because there's not a whole lot to be gained by being able to hold your jellyfish. Finding a lifelong love; now that is everyone's fantasy. It is written about in most songs, books and movies regardless of genre. "All you need is love" - the Beatles song, and a Valentine's Day card sitting in my dresser drawer. What if you have everything else? What if you love where you're living, who your friends are, what you do for work... what if love is all you don't have?

Why oh why am I such a wuss? Why do I even still care? I haven't spoken to Ronan, but I did ring Jason to ask when he was sending my belongings. I did stick to task and did not chat, but oh my heart wrenches. Geez louise, why do I care?

It is such a beautiful day today. I am trying to arrange to get away this weekend. I am overly affected by things right now, including work and homesickness and I just want a break. I am going to the cinema with Hugo on Sunday evening, but I have to fill the rest of my weekend as well.

Today I was just thinking again about how my life seems to keep repeating itself. Same story, different names, faces. The angst I feel over the Ronan & Jason drama is just another one of a series of angsts felt since I was 11 or 12 years old. I just thought, 'am I always going to feel like this?' "Will life always just be a series of highs and lows, of love and hate, of trust and betrayal; over and over and over again?" Will I never find a security of love and happiness that will last for a lifetime?

Okay, it is high time I said 'hasta la vista' to the Northern Irish boys. That's it. I'm just so done with all the unnecessary drama and the pain it inflicts on me. I've been dealing with this like a masochist just allowing myself to be hurt over and over again. So that's it. Done; finito. The numbers are deleted from my phone and even though they've texted and phoned me, I've not responded. DONE DONE DONE. You both have girlfriends, so leave me alone. Take all of me, or have none of me. I'm sick of giving only the bits you need at that given time. I deserve better, I deserve normalcy. I deserve goodness and I deserve kindness. I never made any high demands of you. I never judged you based on money, looks, idiosyncracies, ex-girlfriends or personal hang-ups. All I wanted is for you to be with me.

Jason, I opened myself up to you when I was scared to open myself up to anyone. You changed your mind, and I accepted it and moved on.

Ronan, I was honest to you about what happened with Jason and up front about my 'baggage'. I fell in love with you hard and fast and was more devastated than you know when we broke up after spending the night together with your baby. Then both of you kept changing your minds and leading me in different directions before changing your mind back again.

I never stopped loving either one of you and that is why I can not do this anymore. I can't be your friend. I can't be your acquaintance. I care too much and I fall too easily.

Ronan, when you said that you were still in love with me and wanted me back, despite my deep cynicsm of your mind not changing, I fell, which is why when you rejected me only two days later, it hurt. As I hung up the phone, I shed one tear and I promised myself that would be the last one ever shed because of you.

Jason, when I found out about you and Donna today, I felt like I had been punched in the stomach and stabbed in the chest. I can't deal with that feeling everytime we speak or even one more time at all. To continue to put myself through this would be sheer stupidity and self loathing.

So, goodbye, Northern Irish boys. I think we've had some good times together, and I hope you have fond memories as well. I would even go so far to say that perhaps we learned from each other, and hopefully, you, as well as I, will take something very positive away from our relationship. I was in such a different place (emotionally) when I first arrived in Northern Ireland and you both have brought me to where I am now. You showed me about love when I was dead set against it, you taught me what it was again, and now that I know the joy of love and being loved is precisely why I won't accept less.

Goodbye and all the best.

Love,
Sabrina :-)

Okay, don't know what the hay is going on with my blog but it seems to be posting or not posting at random. Hmm... Anyhow, things here are okay. I have been sick for the last week. Went to A&E to get nebulized (or for my American friends; went to ER for breathing treatments), found out I have anemia and was whisked off my feet and then unceremoniously dumped again by Ronan, all in a week's work! Here are a couple of email thingies I received.
---------------------------------------------
Men are like .Laxatives ...... They irritate the shit out of you

Men are like ........ Bananas ...... The older they get, the less firm they are.

Men are like ........ Vacations ...... They never seem to be long enough.

Men are like ........ Weather ...... Nothing can be done to change them.

Men are like ....... Blenders ...... You need One, but you're not quite sure why.

Men are like ........ Chocolate Bars ...... Sweet, smooth, & they usually
head right for your hips.

Men are like ........ Commercials ...... You can't believe a word they say.

Men are like ....... Department Stores ...... Their clothes are always 1/2 off.

Men are like ........ Government Bonds ...... They take soooooooo long to
mature.

Men are like ........ Mascara ...... They usually run at the first sign of
emotion.

Men are like ....... Popcorn ........ They satisfy you, but only for a little while.

Men are like ........ Snowstorms ...... You never know when they're coming,
how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.

Men are like . Lava Lamps ...... Fun to look at, but not very bright.

Men are like ........ Parking Spots ........ All the good ones are taken,
the rest are handicapped.

Now send this to all the remarkable women you know, as well as to any
understanding good- natured, fun kinda guys you might be lucky enough to
know !!!!!!!!!!

--------------------------------------------------------
Subject: Donkey

One day a farmer's donkey fell into a well. The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do. Finally, he decided the animal was old and the well needed to be covered up anyway; it just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey.

He invited all his neighbors to come over and help him. They all grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well. At first, the donkey realized what was happening and cried horribly. Then, to everyone's amazement, he quieted down. A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally looked down into the well. He was astonished at what he saw. With each shovel of dirt that hit his back, the donkey was doing something amazing!

He would shake off the dirt and take a step up. As the farmer's neighbors continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it off and take another step up. Pretty soon, everyone was astonished as the donkey stepped up over the edge of the well and happily trotted off!


Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt! The trick to getting out of the well is to shake it off and take a step up. Each of our troubles is a stepping-stone! We can get out of the deepest wells just by not stopping - never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up. Remember the five rules for happiness:


1. Free your heart from hatred - forgive.


2. Free your mind from worries - most never happen.


3. Live simply and appreciate what you have.


4. Give more.


5. Expect less.


NOW - Enough of that crap.........

The donkey later came back and bit the crap out of the farmer who had tried to bury him. The gash from the bite got infected and the farmer eventually died in agony from septic shock.


MORAL OF THIS STORY............


When you do something wrong and try to cover your ass, it always come back to bite you!

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------