Dreams again

I was given a medication I can take to stop nightmares. But once I start it, I can't just stop. The main side effect is dizziness upon standing. I was so not going to take it but after the nightmares I've had the past couple of nights I'm strongly considering it. I think they really do affect my mood during the day.

Here are some of the symbols from my dreams recently; (I dreamt I was riding a horse while lying down that I couldn't control, or never learned how to control and it didn't stop at the train tracks when a train was going by at high speed and was decapitated. I believe the horse was brown)

Horseback Riding 
To dream that go horseback riding indicates that you are in a high position or in a position of power. You have confidence in your ability. Alternatively, the dream represents your lack of integrity. You will achieve success through underhanded means. If you are riding a horse that is out of control, then it means that you are being carried away by your passions.

Horse 
To see a horse in your dream symbolizes strength, power, endurance, virility and sexual prowess. It also represents a strong, physical energy. You need to tame the wild forces within. The dream may also be a pun that you are "horsing around". Alternatively, to see a horse in your dream indicates that you need to be less arrogant and "get off your high horse"
If you see a dead horse in your dream, then it indicates that something in your life that initially offered you strength is now gone. This may refer to a relationship or situation. Consider the phrase "beating a dead horse" to indicate that you may have maximized the usefulness of a certain circumstance.

Train 
To see a train in your dream represents conformity. You are just going along with what everyone else is doing. Alternatively, a train means that you are very methodical. You need to lay things out specifically and do things in an orderly and sequential manner. In particular, if you see a freight train, then it refers to the burdens and problems that you are hauling around. It is also symbolic of manual labor. If you see a passenger train, then it relates to mental work. If you see or play with a model train in your dream, then it indicates that you want more control and power over your own life and where it is headed. Dreaming of trains may also be a metaphor that you are "in training" for some event, job or goal. According to Freud, a train is analogous to the male penis.

To see or dream that you are in a train wreck suggests chaos. The path to your goals are not going according to the way you planned it out. You are lacking self-confidence and having doubt in your ability to reach your goals. If you dream that a train collides with a car, then it indicates that your life goals are in conflict with your belief system. Perhaps someone wants you to pursue a goal that you are not passionate about. To dream that someone is hit by a train implies that they are on the wrong path in life. Perhaps you need to guide them in the right direction. Such dreams may also be a projection of your own Self. In other words, you are on the wrong life path and need to alter your course.

Behead 
To dream that you or someone else is being beheaded signifies poor judgment or a bad decision that you have made and regretted. You are not thinking clearly and are refusing to see the truth. You need to confront the situation or the person despite the pain and discomfort you might feel in doing so. The dream also suggests that you have the tendency to act before you think.

To dream that a snake is being beheaded indicates that you are refusing to face your fears.

Decapitation

This dream suggests you feel you are losing control in your waking life.

Horse

Depending on the details of the dream, horses can symbolize freedom, power and sexual energy. At times, they can also be considered messengers, relaying information from the unconscious to the conscious, from the spiritual to the physical. If you are horseback riding, it suggests that you are self assured and feel a sense of control in your daily life. Traditionally, the color of the horse is also significant. Black horses are said to point out delays; white horses are reinforcing the positive and transformative aspects of life; gray horses may point to the difficulties in the dreams current situation; Piebald horses are symbolic of confusion; brown horses of mental pursuits, and tan horses are said to be symbolic of love and sex.

Blood Moon

Holy shit! I just had the most amazing date. Dinner and then to a park to watch the sun set and then the blood moon eclipse. I've been home for an hour, and I still feel tingly all over. This super moon is supposed to bring change into our lives. I hope this is the beginning of a great positive change.

Psych

Yesterday I got promoted at work. A 12% raise, an office, and no more lesson plans. Yes, please. 

Sounds great, right? Then why did I feel like I was going to throw up and needed to take a nap for the next week, after perhaps taking a Xanax?

I don't handle good news well. When I bought my first laptop computer, I took it out of the box and thought I was going to pass out. When my Dad told us kids that he was buying us a Nintendo, I damn near cried. Mom said it looked like I had just won a game show. After my Masters graduation ceremony, I had to take a nap. 

Because I always have impeccable timing (not), I had requested today off for a psychiatrist appointment. Apparently there is a shortage of psychiatrists in this part of the country and I had to be on wait list for a few months to see this one. 

On my way in, I shuddered at the thought that I might say something "wrong" and end up getting hospitalized. Then I remembered that psychiatrists only talk to a for a few minutes anyhow, so there was little chance of that happening. 

I ended up in the office for over an hour. I forgot this was an initial consultation, and they basically ask you to give them your life story, along with that of the rest of your family. At the end, there were three people in the room, the main guy, the med student, and the main guy's boss (?) maybe. They asked about intrusive thoughts, flashbacks and nightmares. Intrusive thoughts happen every day. I had to think about the other two. I have nightmares every so often, maybe about once a week. Flashbacks, less often. They suggested a medicine to help with flashbacks and nightmares. I got the prescription but said I didn't know if I would fill it.I just wanted to have it so I didn't have to wait months to get back in. 

I came home and took a nap, and I shit you not, I had a nightmare. I dreamt that Bill Cosby raped me. Wtf. I actually experienced the act happening. Horrifying. 

I am functioning these days, but I feel like I'm always waiting for the other shoe to drop. I'm terrified that I will fail in my new position. They said that I really need weekly psychotherapy but there are no evening hours which would mean I would have to leave work an hour early once a week. I'm just scared to ask for that. If it was for diabetes treatment, I don't think I would be scared to ask. I would demand it. I'm only going to say it is for a dr appointment and not specifically what it's for, but I just worry. 

We decided to keep my meds as is for now, and I can add the anti-nightmare medicine if I want to. 

I came home and took a nap, naturally. 

When he no longer loves you

Came across this video that was made from the article below it. "Watching Your Ex Fall in Love with Someone Else on Social Media"

https://www.facebook.com/SOML/videos/vb.571035253040893/657607704383647/?type=2&theater

http://www.buzzfeed.com/kirstenking/watching-your-ex-fall-in-love-with-someone-else#.cwNMo7bPp


Well, in my case, it went as far as seeing your ex have a baby with someone else.

Even as he was telling you that he would be your "back up plan" and father your child if you didn't find "the one" before your baby making days were over, he already had a bun baking in someone else's oven.

This shatters you; not only because he was deceitful, but also because your fantasy of "in a few years" or "sometime in the future" is gone. Gone into the eyes of a beautiful baby that is not yours.

Now you know you'll never have his child. You know there is no future for you, too. That dream you had about him eventually moving to America when his first child turned 18 (which was now just a few years away); the fantasy clocks starts over now... 18 more years? No, you know that's ludicrous. But it's always been ludicrous.

And like the writer of the article, I too, felt like I was REALLY the love in his life, and she was just the back up plan. If only we lived closer. I told myself, that like Carrie in "Sex and the City", I was the "complicated" one and she was the "convenient" one.

"I couldn’t digest that he could fall in love with someone else while I still loved him. At that point, I didn’t understand love could be one-sided like that. I couldn’t imagine he told her the things he told me, or looked at her the same way.

In my deluded state, I actually felt sorry for her. This poor girl’s boyfriend is in love with his ex, I thought. It’s funny how easy it is to believe the unbelievable when it hurts less.

I pictured him lying in bed, staring at the ceiling, wishing the girl lying next to him was me. It was easier to imagine he was sleeplessly staring at walls, searching for me in his bed, than to believe the truth: He wasn’t thinking of me at all."

Fantasy

I used to have this fantasy. I was in a pretty flowered sundress; knee length, with a white cardigan. My red hair is long, mostly straight with just a few flawless curls from the curling iron.I am on a fantastic international trip; Northern Ireland to be exact, for a very important reason, like a seminar or class or training. I am in a local Tesco in Derry. I have to pick up a few essentials to bring back to the hotel. Who do I happen to come upon during my visit? Ronan working as a security officer. I see him before he sees me. I go up to him, pretending to be just another customer. As he turns around and sees me, I see the change in his eyes and face as her realizes who I am. I can't help but blush a little and smile. He's surprised that I'm there. He gives me a hug and starts asking about what brings me here. I tell him my very important task to complete whilst I'm there and we exchange pleasantries. I can tell by the way he looks at me that he's still in love with me. I can tell by the sadness behind his eyes that he's sorry I'm not his. I feel my heart pounding in my chest and all those butterflies I had when we first met come fluttering back, but I try my best not to show it. I am not the young girl I was once when we first met. I am a professional with a decade of life experience since we last touched. I now wear glasses and own a washer and dryer. I'm not here for you, Ronan. I'm here for my very important reason as part of my meaningful life (without you). Though I did know you worked here, and I may have come to this store with the hopes of seeing you, I don't want you to know that. The smile on your face that seeing me has brought to you and the fact that you so clearly want to be with me, but know that I will not take you back is what I have been hoping for. My appetite is satiated. I go on with my important, professional, adult life and smirk quietly to myself.

That is where my fantasy used to end. Now I have added:
Then I introduce him to my fiance, who is American, dashing, and a professional with a graduate degree, who is not intimidated by the fact that Ronan is my ex, but rather amused. He knows it was long ago and during the days of my roaring twenties and finds it interesting that I dated an Irishman. He gives Ronan a hearty handshake and then excuses himself to go find something in the store while Ronan and I finish our conversation. After he walks away, Ronan asks when is the wedding, and I tell him the date. I can tell he is sad as he tells me he is happy for me. He knew I would eventually find the one. In his heart, he is wishing it is him. In this fantasy, in my heart, I'm glad that I no longer wish that.

25 years

Twenty-five years ago, you and I became "we". My life and the direction it took changed forever that day. "Sabrina and Mike" was born.

You were the first person I fell in love with. You shaped my idea of what I wanted and expected in a man. You seemed invincible to me. In my eyes, you were perfection. I loved that you were so tall, and I felt inferior for being so short. I loved your perfect smile and never felt that mine measured up. Your ability to draw, your athleticism, two more things that I admired and wished I could be. I actually remember one time when we were playing whiffle ball with my brothers in the alley and I was pitching to you, I got two strikes against you. I was so proud!

From that day forward, I always dreamed and planned that the rest of my days would be spent with you. I remember telling you that I wouldn't mind living in a place like your office; small with wooden paneling. You told me not to wish for something like that, because then we might end up somewhere like that, that was not so nice. I truly didn't care where we lived, as long as we were together.

And then I was raped by my ex-boyfriend. Our relationship ended because of it. I was as upset about that as I was about the attack. I couldn't imagine living life without you.

I waded through life, scarred by the assault and the loss of you. I felt like I was missing pieces of my heart.

Serendipitously, we reconnected. I was overjoyed. I finally felt whole again. I truly felt like my whole life had come full circle to lead to this moment. The fairy tale ending was in reach. My fairy tale didn't involve a castle or riches. The only thing in my fairy tale was you.

Never even if my worst nightmares did I imagine that you would be gone from this Earth in just two and half years after our reconnection.

I will probably always wish that things could have been different during your time on this Earth. I used to have  nightmares that I was trying to urge you to go to the hospital in an effort to save your life. And after you were gone and I was helping your parents did I really learn so much more about you and where you got your personality, your positive traits and your negative ones, too. I felt like I understood you so much better. I only wish I had that understanding while you were still here.

Mike drew me this picture after a horrible fight. Funny how something so touching can come from something so unpleasant.

Mike, you still have all my love. And believe me, I won't you forget you, ever. I promise.

On this day

On this day last year, I found out Jason died. I actually knew it before Facebook showed me. I've been thinking about him all day. Going through my facebook memories from past years on this day, in 2010, I posted about Jay. I didn't know then that he was already gone.

"This song reminds me of Belfast - that's when I first heard it, and my bf, Jay, told me the story behind it. We were at The Globe, I was having a rare cocktail and I was happy. Weird, considering the song..."

I remember the public display of affections we showed and how that was whole new world for me. To be in a relationship, to be respected, to be adored, not ashamed of. 

He was good to me. We had fun. I'm glad I knew him. I'm glad I loved him. 

~Don't Cry Because It's Over. Smile Because It Happened~

Normal

Tomorrow may be the last day of what I now consider "normal". I am having a couple of procedures done on Wednesday, and I need to prep for it on Tuesday. Now that I think about it, I also have an unrelated specialist dr appointment about my ear and nose tomorrow after work. There we will discuss options for my hearing, including surgery.

But back to Wednesday. I hear the recovery time for this procedure is pretty quick. I'm hoping it's like that for me. More so what I'm worried about is what my Dr. might find. There will be biopsies taken, and I know the results for those won't be back for awhile, but my doc might see something while she's in there and that scares me.

But I'm also hopeful. I haven't been feeling well for quite awhile now, and I'm hoping that I get some answers. I'm hoping that there is an easily fixable issue that has been causing to feel horrible and gain weight and not absorb vitamins. Then once it is fixed, I will feel good, lose weight and absorb vitamins, hurrah!

Mom offered to come down this week, but I told her to stay home. She is not feeling well right now and she hates driving on the highway. It is over 150 miles from her house to my house. I appreciate the offer, but I fear I may more worried about her, than she of me! I told her only one of us has to worry about this, and I've got that covered! Also, I have a ride to and from the hospital, and Jay (American Jay) said he would stay with me until I was coherent at home.

In anticipation of this possible change in "normal", I've tried to make the most of this summer. I went to Michigan last weekend, Whihala Beach at Lake Michigan in Indiana, Hard Rock Cafe in New Buffalo, Michigan, spent time with Mom. I've had fun pool time with Jana and her baby, an awesome 4th of July weekend, great birthday evening doing wine and canvas, Colts mini camp, picnic at Fort Harrison, movies, tour de Indiana (Fort Wayne, Goshen, Nappanee, Shipshewana, Elkhart) and my high school reunion.

Now what I'm looking forward to is getting this over with. I have been dreading this for weeks and I know the preparation is going to suck with a capital S, so I'd rather have it behind me than in front of me. I'm nervous about anesthesia, which I consider to be way too close to death for my comfort. I haven't been under since I had my ear surgery when I was 7. On the plus, the Dr. will be doing all the work, and I won't know what is happening.

I have to also remember that I am fortunate I can have this procedure done. If I didn't have insurance, this wouldn't be an option. And as my Dr. explained, there could be some things that need to be treated before they develop into something much worse. I didn't just accept this procedure, I weighed the cost and benefit heavily and talked to both of my doctors at length. We all decided this was for the best and would hopefully make me feel better again.

So mostly, I'm thankful. For everything.

UPDATE: Everything went well except that I had to be intubated because I wasn't breathing well. All is good in the 'hood.

Horse dreams

My dreams last night and their interpretation:

If you see a dead horse in your dream, then it indicates that something in your life that initially offered you strength is now gone. This may refer to a relationship or situation. Consider the phrase "beating a dead horse" to indicate that you may have maximized the usefulness of a certain circumstance.

To dream that someone is shooting you with a gun suggests that you are experiencing some confrontation in your waking life. You feel victimized in a situation or that you are being targeted. To dream that you shoot a person with a gun denotes your aggressive feeling and hidden anger toward that particular person.

To dream that you attack someone represents pent-up frustration and anger. You feel that you have been wronged. Your dream serves as an easy and safe way to express your anger.
To dream that you are being attacked by someone indicates your character is being questioned. You feel the need to defend yourself. You are feeling stressed, vulnerable and helpless. You may also be facing difficult changes in your waking life. Dreaming of an attack provides a way for you to confront these situations that you may be avoiding in real life.

To see a king in your dream indicates that success and prestige are within reach. You will rise above your problems and adversities. The king is symbolic of power and control. Alternatively, the king symbolizes your father or some father figure. You are looking for support.

New Year

New year, new insurance, new doctor.
Today I met a new doctor. I have new insurance as of the first of the year, and that meant switching doctors, since my old doc doesn't take this new insurance (hardly anyone does). This new dr. is awesome. He spent so much time with me and answered all of my questions and made the necessary referrals.

My new semester is going okay. I thought it would be soooo much easier since I don't have to student teach, but there is a lot of work in my classes this semester and it is just piling up on me. As soon as I finish one thing, the next two or three are due. No one ever said getting a master's degree was easy. And I will appreciate graduation come May even more.

No new men this year. I've actually been chaste in 2015. It is a new year, indeed.

There is a winter storm warning in effect tonight, so I must be off to the grocery store to buy my bread and milk, because that's just what we do around these parts when it snows. Some habits remain in the new year.

Transference

So I met this guy that reminded me of Ronan. I didn't realize it at first, but now I do. His name is even similar - Landon. He's the same height, build, facial shape, no facial hair, hair color. I went on a date with him and was absolutely smitten. I went on a second date and slept with him. Dumb, dumb move.

Long story short, he's not texting me back and I feel like I just got my heart ripped out again by the Irish Ronan. This feeling, for a man I've met twice. Transference is not a good thing, people! Me transferring my feelings for Ronan to this new dude seemed like a good idea at the time, I don't know. What a way to get over someone, right? Find someone just like them! Good plan. That was not my plan by the way, but apparently it was somewhere in my subconscious.

Aside from the fact that your feelings aren't really for them or it's really not fair to the replacement person, it can hurt you even more as well. Who knew?!

So please consider this a public service announcement. Transference is bad, bad news. Don't do it.

You may resume your regularly scheduled program.

Starry Night

I recently got to experience one of those things off my “bucket list”.  I have always wanted to lie down underneath the stars at night with a guy. The problem is that I live in the city, can’t see stars, and never found someone willing to just look at stars.

I met someone on eharmony who I had begun texting as well. I came across this picture on facebook with a pickup truck bed filled with blankets and pillows saying, “Is it just me, or is this the best date ever?” Star guy, as we’ll call him, has a pickup truck and when we started talking about dates, I brought up that picture. He lives in the country and he was totally up for it. I was excited!

Okay, now maybe not many women would be excited about just looking at stars out in the country, but it’s a novelty for this city girl. I should also note that by this time starry guy and I were facebook friends, and had talked and texted a great deal, so I felt safe. (I always tell someone exactly where I’m going when I meet someone, though.)

Back to the night – He lives on a lake, so we ate by the water while the sun was still up. It was so serene. When the sun started to go down, we walked across the road to an open field. He pointed out a couple of deer that were not too far away from us. Nature! I was getting a little bit nervous about the nature aspect of it all at this point, but determined not to show it. I hadn’t considered deer, raccoons, possums, whatever else there is outside, when I came up with this fantasy idea. Turns out we weren’t going to be in the truck, but he brought out an air mattress. I was thinking, “yay, this is way more comfortable”, but when he mentioned me being “city-fied” I said I didn’t really need it, we could lie with just blankets on the ground. He asked if I was sure, and I wasn’t. We went with the air mattress.

When we finally laid down and I looked up at the sky, I was in awe. It wasn’t night yet, but I could see the clouds moving, feel the air on my face and cuddle with the man next to me. Have I mentioned that I like to cuddle? He pointed out a bat flying overhead and I got a little nervous again. Nature!

Before our eyes, the sun slowly, slowly disappeared and the sky became dark. Stars began to appear. First just a few, and then they were everywhere. It was so surreal. It felt like they were so close that I could reach up and touch them. It was so overwhelming, it felt like I was in a room with the ceiling painted black with white specks painted on it. I could see nothing else. The weather was perfect. The kind that makes you not even realize there is weather. Other than the occasional breeze, I could hardly tell I was outside. I was in awe.

Talk about an aphrodisiac. Let’s just say I crossed off a few more bucket list items that night. It was the most romantic night of my life thus far. All I needed was a good man and some country stars. 

Jason weightlifting

I found this post online.
I also found video of him lifting.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cz8NkGjvlQ4

The following is a sad note from Jim Kelly. I often gave Jason a lift to the gym and he was one of the 'regulars' at Newtownabbey: 

Dear Friends, 

It is with regret that I inform you all of the death of one of our members from the Newtownabbey Weightlifting Club- Jason Tracey who died on Saturday morning 7th February at home in London. Cause unknown as yet. Funeral arrangements to follow. 

Jason was there at the inception of our Club in 1997 when he was into his bodybuilding, but we eventually coaxed him into the lifting game. He lifted for a couple of years around 2003 making good progress before he departed for a job in London. He was back in Northern Ireland over a week ago- training along with his Newtownabbey and St Gabriel’s colleagues. He was looking in good shape and was intent on making a comeback in the Master’s. 

Jason was 35 years of age and lived with his fiancée Donna and her daughter Ria to whom we convey our deepest sympathies and to the family circle. He will be sadly missed by us all- a real character. Enclosed is a photo of him lifting in the Ulster Open Championships 2003 in Ballyclare High School. 

Jim Kelly (Secretary N’Abbey W/L Club) 

I am very sorry to hear of the death of Jason Tracey. Jason attended our National squad session a few years ago in Limerick. I met him again last year at a competition in Ballyclare when he was home on a trip from London. He was a very nice guy. On behalf of the Irish Amateur Weightlifting Association may I extend our deepest condolences.

http://weightlifting.informe.com/jason-tracey-dt580.html

And more tributes
http://classifieds.belfasttelegraph.co.uk/advert/northern-ireland/family-notices/death-notices/205398/Tracey-Jason-Stanley-Death

http://www.weightliftingni.co.uk/News/Jason%20Tracey.html

Jason is gone

I just found out today that Jason died. Jason was my boyfriend in Belfast, and my first friend when I moved there. After we broke up, we remained friends for a few years, even after I moved back to the USA. I am in shock, not just because he is gone, but also because it happened five years ago and I just found out about it. All those times I wondered what he was doing or even why he didn't respond to an email (omg) and he was already gone. I don't know how he died, the obituary just says he died "suddenly". He had epilepsy, so I wonder if that had any role in his passing.

This morning when I found out, I literally didn't believe it. As in I thought it was lie. Despite seeing proof in black and white on the screen, I could not grasp the concept. The first thing that came to my mind is when I asked my psychic friend (RIP) how Jason was, he said he was happily living in Canada. This was after he was already gone. So I thought, how could my friend have been wrong? I know a lot of people don't believe in psychics, but this wasn't just a run of the mill psychic hotline kind of person, this was a trusted friend.

Anyway, all that time I pictured him living life and he was already gone.

I had a major assignment due today, so I didn't have time to grieve. I wanted to take a Valium and go back to bed, but I couldn't. I told myself I had to go forward, despite the numb, tingly feeling all over my body. Despite the fog that enveloped my brain that made it difficult to think of anything else beside the man I once loved. I had to move forward. I had to complete the task of the day, go to the museum, take pictures, finish my class project for my masters degree.

When we met he had just started his masters degree. He worried that I would want more time from him than he could give. I explained that I understood. That seems so poignant now.

The memory that sticks with me the most is lying in bed in his shared house in Belfast, listening to the Tracy Chapman greatest hits CD over and over again. I would still, all these years later get teary eyed when I heard this song:

I want to make the perfect post to honor him on this blog, since he was one of the first people I ever blogged about. I even remember him saying, "don't put this on your blog" with a smile, when he had our first 'discussion' (which was about his not having time because of school). But right now, I can't. I'm too numb, tingly, foggy. I can't believe the man I used to love now ceases to exist in this world. I pray that you are resting in peace, Jason. I will never forget you..

http://sabrinigreen.blogspot.com/2003/12/promise-tracy-chapman-if-you-wait-for.html

THE PROMISE, Tracy Chapman 

If you wait for me 
then I'll come for you 
Although I've traveled far 
I always hold a place for you in my heart 


If you think of me 
If you miss me once in awhile 
Then I'll return to you 
I'll return and fill that space in your heart 


Remembering 
Your touch 
Your kiss 
Your warm embrace 
I'll find my way back to you 
If you'll be waiting 


If you dream of me 
L like I dream of you 
In a place that's warm and dark 
In a place where I can feel the beating of your heart 


Remembering 
Your touch 
Your kiss 
Your warm embrace 
I'll find my way back to you 
If you'll be waiting 


I've longed for you 
A and I have desired 
To see your face your smile 
To be with you wherever you are 


Remembering 
Your touch 
Your kiss 
Your warm embrace 
I'll find my way back to you 
Please say you'll be waiting 


Together again 
It would feel so good to be 
In your arms 
Where all my journeys end 
If you can make a promise 
If it's one that you can keep 
I vow to come for you 
If you wait for me 


And say you'll hold 
A place for me 
In your heart.

Some Jason entries

September 14, 2003

So, I finally got to see Belfast today.  I took a double decker bus tour and walked around for just a little bit.  I met Jay last night, my first Northern Irish friend.  Well, I met him for the first time in real life last night.  He'll probably kick my butt for mentioning him, but he probably won't read this, so oh well.  Anyhow, we've talked like every day since I've arrived and my roommate said we were like "best friends".  I had just hoped that we got on as well in person, and we did (do).  So that's good.

http://sabrinigreen.blogspot.com/2003/10/jason-weightlifting.html

Crossing Oceans (Literally)

Class Last Week in Pictures

Spot for my lunch break on Saturday. Love fountains

Social Studies Activity Idea, make the state out of yarn, label the cities and rivers (rivers go in blue yarn)

Vanilla Wafer hamburgers. Show assembly line process. Vanilla wafers are the buns, chocolate squares the burger, dyed coconut is the lettuce, red dyed frosting is the ketchup and yellow dyed frosting is the mustard. The introduction was that Henry Ford created the assembly line and brought down the time to assemble a car from 12 hrs to 93 minutes. One group made hamburgers assembly style, the other, artisan style (one at a time). Who could make 17 the fastest? 

My parking spot one day. Finding beauty all around. 

Close up of the fountain. I was lying on the edge during lunch.

Ronan (not Abilify) turned me into a slut

Not Ronan, per se, but my reaction to his deciding not to be with me, yet again, this past January. I had thought it was my new medicine just increasing my sexual desire, but turns out that is not a side effect. After talking to my therapist about it (after my latest one night stand) I finally concluded that this all started after Ronan dissed me.

Now Ronan has dissed me before, don't get me wrong. That didn't lead to me sleeping with a bunch of people. But this time was different. This time, I was already vulnerable, having lost my job, living in a new city, having health problems, then losing school and the teaching program. I felt like I had lost everything I had moved to this city for. Well, in essence, I had. But that wasn't even the kicker. The kicker was that Ronan wanted to be with me AFTER his current relationship ended. I was his second choice. It was also that I was too far away. To me read: I'm not worth the travel/trouble. He didn't want to be responsible for me and/or a child if I did come over on a visa. Read: I'm not worth it.

All that was even fine and dandy. I didn't turn into a slut just yet. After that we were still supposed to be friends. As a friend, I emailed him and told him to call me, that I needed to talk to him and it wasn't about him and me, it was just about me. He emailed me back and said that he didn't have time to call me because he was busy with his NEW GIRLFRIEND! Yes, the fact that he had ended the other relationship and not considered me hurt. Yes, the thought of him with someone else hurt. But what really chapped my ass was that he knew I was having health issues and I reach out to him saying I need to talk to him about it and he DOESN'T HAVE THE FUCKING TIME FOR A PHONE CONVERSATION????? Read: I'm not worth it.

Enter slutdom. I had my first affair pre-new girlfriend, but post initial diss. That was a brief affair and seemed to make me feel good enough about myself. I think I even had another brief affair pre-new gf. But post new gf, it was on like Donkey Kong in my vagina. What I hoped to gain from these trysts, I don't know. I just thought I wanted sex and that was that. Well, my friends, that is never just that. All behavior has a purpose. My purpose was to get the stench of the rejection out of my head. Because this wasn't just about Ronan, this was about me feeling not worthy. The rejection was about everyone rejecting me. But when I hooked up with someone, that person wasn't rejecting me. It was another step farther away from the scene of being curled up on the floor bawling, yet again, from the same man. I wanted to take as many steps as possible away from that scene; from that feeling; from the woman I was then.

Summer 2014

I'm working at a small Christian school this summer. I have interesting tasks like making labels for the 39 books of the Old Testament, making Salvation Precious Moments coloring books and creating Happy Birthday Jesus coloring books. It's good and it seems to go nicely with my church going, women's group and Bible study.

I'm also going to school full time continuing my Masters degree. I leave school and book it to work, eating lunch while driving. Only one more week of that, though and then my classes are only on Saturdays.

Part of the course is spending time in an elementary school classroom. I am working with first graders. It is an ENL summer school. Very interesting. I spend an hour and a half a day there.

The daily homework is what is getting to me about this class. Every single night I'm reading and typing to turn something in. That's what makes an advanced degree though, n'est-ce pas?

And now it is bedtime for this Bonzo. Have to rest up to do it all again tomorrow.

Race Weekend and Pink Eye

I have pink eye. In both of my eyes. Kids are so germy. Contrary to what I previously thought, pink eye does not just turn your eye pink. Who'd have thought? It swells and oozes and all kinds of fun stuff. :/ I went to the Med Express and they took care of me and gave me some drops. I started with just one eye and they warned me the other eye would get it, too and to start drops when it started up.

And it was Race Weekend, which is what Memorial Day weekend is called in Indianapolis, due to the Indianapolis 500 race. I saw all kinds of fun pictures on facebook of people at the race, selling things at the race, playing race bingo, and even one friend driving on the track for Camaro day. *Sigh* I can't really complain because I didn't have any plans to go to the race or even do anything this weekend, so my heart wasn't terribly broken. I was actually happy I got this contagious thing over the long weekend so I didn't have to miss any work. I know, crazy, huh? I can't afford to miss any days right now, so it worked out.

The thing that did sting a little was the pool. My apartment complex's pools opened this weekend and I couldn't go. I looked longingly as I drove by from the pharmacist...all the people splashing around and lying in the sun. *Sigh* again. It's okay, next weekend. Or maybe some day this week. I have to get in my Vitamin D, after all ;-)

Since I have the yuckies, I've been inside most of the weekend. I was barely productive. I did a couple of loads of laundry, started my homework reading and found the textbook I need online. I made food for myself when I was hungry and that's about the size of it. I did a whole lot of sleeping.

Oh, and I signed up for a new dating site. Yep. Dating is becoming like a second job for me these days. I am bound and determined to find "the one".  I am so going to stop thinking that Ronan was "the one" and move full speed ahead. Or I'm at least going to fake it until I make it.

But the more I think about Ronan, the more pissy I get. Clearly not thinking of, much less in love with me, so this girl right here needs to get the f over it. And I'm trying, I'm doing my thang.

Fall in Love