Sounds great, right? Then why did I feel like I was going to throw up and needed to take a nap for the next week, after perhaps taking a Xanax?
I don't handle good news well. When I bought my first laptop computer, I took it out of the box and thought I was going to pass out. When my Dad told us kids that he was buying us a Nintendo, I damn near cried. Mom said it looked like I had just won a game show. After my Masters graduation ceremony, I had to take a nap.
Because I always have impeccable timing (not), I had requested today off for a psychiatrist appointment. Apparently there is a shortage of psychiatrists in this part of the country and I had to be on wait list for a few months to see this one.
On my way in, I shuddered at the thought that I might say something "wrong" and end up getting hospitalized. Then I remembered that psychiatrists only talk to a for a few minutes anyhow, so there was little chance of that happening.
I ended up in the office for over an hour. I forgot this was an initial consultation, and they basically ask you to give them your life story, along with that of the rest of your family. At the end, there were three people in the room, the main guy, the med student, and the main guy's boss (?) maybe. They asked about intrusive thoughts, flashbacks and nightmares. Intrusive thoughts happen every day. I had to think about the other two. I have nightmares every so often, maybe about once a week. Flashbacks, less often. They suggested a medicine to help with flashbacks and nightmares. I got the prescription but said I didn't know if I would fill it.I just wanted to have it so I didn't have to wait months to get back in.
I came home and took a nap, and I shit you not, I had a nightmare. I dreamt that Bill Cosby raped me. Wtf. I actually experienced the act happening. Horrifying.
I am functioning these days, but I feel like I'm always waiting for the other shoe to drop. I'm terrified that I will fail in my new position. They said that I really need weekly psychotherapy but there are no evening hours which would mean I would have to leave work an hour early once a week. I'm just scared to ask for that. If it was for diabetes treatment, I don't think I would be scared to ask. I would demand it. I'm only going to say it is for a dr appointment and not specifically what it's for, but I just worry.
We decided to keep my meds as is for now, and I can add the anti-nightmare medicine if I want to.
I came home and took a nap, naturally.
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