This morning when I found out, I literally didn't believe it. As in I thought it was lie. Despite seeing proof in black and white on the screen, I could not grasp the concept. The first thing that came to my mind is when I asked my psychic friend (RIP) how Jason was, he said he was happily living in Canada. This was after he was already gone. So I thought, how could my friend have been wrong? I know a lot of people don't believe in psychics, but this wasn't just a run of the mill psychic hotline kind of person, this was a trusted friend.
Anyway, all that time I pictured him living life and he was already gone.
I had a major assignment due today, so I didn't have time to grieve. I wanted to take a Valium and go back to bed, but I couldn't. I told myself I had to go forward, despite the numb, tingly feeling all over my body. Despite the fog that enveloped my brain that made it difficult to think of anything else beside the man I once loved. I had to move forward. I had to complete the task of the day, go to the museum, take pictures, finish my class project for my masters degree.
When we met he had just started his masters degree. He worried that I would want more time from him than he could give. I explained that I understood. That seems so poignant now.
The memory that sticks with me the most is lying in bed in his shared house in Belfast, listening to the Tracy Chapman greatest hits CD over and over again. I would still, all these years later get teary eyed when I heard this song:
I want to make the perfect post to honor him on this blog, since he was one of the first people I ever blogged about. I even remember him saying, "don't put this on your blog" with a smile, when he had our first 'discussion' (which was about his not having time because of school). But right now, I can't. I'm too numb, tingly, foggy. I can't believe the man I used to love now ceases to exist in this world. I pray that you are resting in peace, Jason. I will never forget you..
http://sabrinigreen.blogspot.com/2003/12/promise-tracy-chapman-if-you-wait-for.html
THE PROMISE, Tracy Chapman
If you wait for me
then I'll come for you
Although I've traveled far
I always hold a place for you in my heart
If you think of me
If you miss me once in awhile
Then I'll return to you
I'll return and fill that space in your heart
Remembering
Your touch
Your kiss
Your warm embrace
I'll find my way back to you
If you'll be waiting
If you dream of me
L like I dream of you
In a place that's warm and dark
In a place where I can feel the beating of your heart
Remembering
Your touch
Your kiss
Your warm embrace
I'll find my way back to you
If you'll be waiting
I've longed for you
A and I have desired
To see your face your smile
To be with you wherever you are
Remembering
Your touch
Your kiss
Your warm embrace
I'll find my way back to you
Please say you'll be waiting
Together again
It would feel so good to be
In your arms
Where all my journeys end
If you can make a promise
If it's one that you can keep
I vow to come for you
If you wait for me
And say you'll hold
A place for me
In your heart.
Some Jason entries
September 14, 2003
So, I finally got to see Belfast today. I took a double decker bus tour and walked around for just a little bit. I met Jay last night, my first Northern Irish friend. Well, I met him for the first time in real life last night. He'll probably kick my butt for mentioning him, but he probably won't read this, so oh well. Anyhow, we've talked like every day since I've arrived and my roommate said we were like "best friends". I had just hoped that we got on as well in person, and we did (do). So that's good.
3 comments:
It is so hard to believe that he's gone and has been gone for so long. He'll always hold a special place in my heart as well. He was the only man I've ever really loved and even after all that was done and all the time that's gone by, still and will always love.
Hello Sabrina, I am Michael, Jason's brother, by chance I found your blog through the photo published on the Irish Amateur Weightlifting forum, which btw is the first time I've seen that photo of Jason. I then clicked on images in Google and saw the nice image of a happy smiling Jason and of course a beaming Sabrina cuddled up beside him, that image filled my heart with a warm happy feeling, to see Jas or Jay as a lot of his uni friends knew him as, to see him happy and content as I want to remember him. I'm sorry you only found out now about his passing, I'm sure, as you have said above the feelings you had for him, it was tough to think he was maybe just ignoring your emails, if I had known about you I would have attempted contact to let you know. Thankyou for your beautiful description of Jason and how you speak so highly of him, that's so good to hear, every story or take involving Jason is so welcome and satisfying for me to hear and I hope your life is going as planned, that's silly, who's life goes to plan lol. Jason was very special, in his own way of course, he would kick my butt for saying that too, as he probably did on numerous occasions, but all in brotherly love of course, the strong silent type who never ceased to amaze me and the rest of the family how well he done in his short time on earth, also how he shrugged it all off as just another thing, a degree? Pffft, letters after his name? pfft, achieving his title of Genetic Scientist and working for the top liver consultant in the country, who by the way said at his funeral he feared for his job as Jason was excelling in what he done, pfffft happens everyday Lol. No Jason Tracey, you were a special person who I as a brother am very proud to call you my Brother, I miss you him so much and still regret not holding him close to me, hugging him the last time I watched him walk out my door to go back to London after visiting, I want that hug now, if I could manage to stretch my arms so far round that chest lol.
Maybe you could get in touch Sabrina, if you had anymore pics or stories to tell, I would love to see or hear, thankyou again for your nice blog on him and if you've anything you want to ask please feel welcome
kind Regards
Michael
Michael, please email new sabrina.uk at gmail.com
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