Sharing a Bed

Sharing a bed: It's not all about sex.

News article

I remember in college I would get sick from Jonathan's waterbed. I swore that I was having seasickness and would sleep in the twin bed in the computer room. I told him he didn't have to come with, but he did, and the two of us smooshed together in there. This happened about a half dozen times before he decided to do a little experiment. He said it was impossible for me to get sea sick from a water bed and thought the whole thing was psychosomatic. I told him to shut up and get a real bed. (Not really - I used to be nice).

Anyhow, his experiment involved the two of us sleeping together in his waterbed - without having sex. Without the pressure of whether or not it was going to happen: without the emotions around it. Just us sleeping. I'll be darned if my sea sickness wasn't cured. At that time, sharing a bed meant sharing more. Now it's more about stealing the covers!

Out with the old...

In my birthday post, I mentioned the mall I was working at ten years before. The destruction of the mall has begun, as evidenced in the photo above.







The anchor store, Carson's is still open for business.

The other side of the mall wasn't torn down at the time of the photos, and I tried to get a peek in and capture what was left of the hangout of my youth.









Of course, near the end, it was merely a shadow of its former self. At the time of closing, there were only five stores other than Carson's. It started a swift plunge down in 1996 when Walgreens closed. Walgreens was removing all of its mall store and going toward free standing buildings to further expand its twenty four hour/seven day a week store base. Instead of replacing it with a comparable store, it was rented to "Bargain Books", which didn't even bother to make the store look different. It used the racks and cases Walgreens left behind. It was a disaster. First, one restaurant in the food court left and was never replaced. Then another. Then big chain stores like KayBee toys and Lerner New York left. They were replaced with cheap dollar stores of the "fell off the truck" variety. Like dominoes, they all fell down.

A WalMart was built right behind Woodmar, and a grocery store right next to that. A Home Depot just down the block opened earlier this year. Woodmar Mall is set to be replaced by some sort of strip mall sort of thing. Sure, it's only a mall, a building; but to me, it was a memento of my coming of age. When we moved here when I was 11, I would walk to the mall with my friends, no parents. That was where we hung out, took photos in the photo booth, met boys, got to buy what we wanted and learned how to be the people we would become. Its destruction is a painful reminder, that like Woodmar, my childhood is now just a memory.

Roots and Weeds

I have been working on my family tree for some time now. I always knew I was from Irish descent, and had bits and pieces of possible English heritage, but never delved much further. While living in England, whenever I had contact from people from Northern Ireland, I felt a certain connection. I felt like the Northern Irish were "my people". Of course, then I moved to Northern Ireland for a little while, and I was hoping to make my own roots there, or more accurately, a return to them. At that time, though, I had no proof, only a feeling and some unfounded family history.

Through genealogical websites like ancestry.com, genealogy.com, and various rootsweb sites (which is part of ancestry.com), there are vast amounts of resources available with the click of a mouse, if you have the money to pay for it. Ancestry.com memberships can be as high as $40 a month with a minimum requirement of a year. Rootsweb sites are generally free, but are very specific. For example, you can't just go to the site and plug in a name and see what comes up. You have to know where to look and for whom you're searching. I have learned a lot through the rootsweb site for the county of Alabama from which many of my most recent ancestors descend.

But what about when you don't really know where they are from?

Ancestry.com has a feature called "One World Tree" (owt). People submit their own family trees and compare notes. Eventually one of your branches will link to someone elses, and if you are a paid member, you can add that other person's entire tree to your orchard, in effect making one world tree.

I recently discovered that my local library has ancestry.com library edition. I can access this plethora of information with just my library card. My tree has grown by many branches since this discovery. At first, I started out by looking at direct records, such as census data and birth and death indexes. That worked up until the early nineteenth century. The U.S. didn't even become the U.S. until 1776, and they didn't get around to censuses until the mid 1800s. I thought I was going to go back a few generations and get to the Irish and English stuff, but I was starting to get the idea my ancestors came over on the Mayflower! So where was I to get my info now?

One World Tree. I could put in the name of my ancestor and there could be up to a hundred people who had that name in their tree. Since most of these people had been working on this far longer than me, they had done extensively more research and had sources like church records, family bibles, and random books and paper records in the town where this ancestor lived.

One complaint often voiced about One World Tree is the amount of mis-information. Once someone submits a tree, it is there for the world to see regardless of its accuracy. What often happens is if someone is the only person with info on a particular family line, other people will copy that info. Now suddenly there are a dozen trees with the same info. You see this number of corroborating evidence and think, "well, it must be true if that many people have it", but really it all comes from one uninformed source.

For example, I was so happy to finally find proof of that emotional kinship I felt with Northern Ireland when I located one world tree entries of my ancestors from Ulster. I added the info to my tree, then sent a request to a volunteer in Northern Ireland via the site Random Acts of Genealogical Kindness (raogk.org). We went over a few of the details and she said that she had never heard of the place where one of my ancestors was reported to have been born. The place was, "Gatsyde Allancy, Albra, Ireland". She noted that although some places had various names and spellings, there was nothing even close to this in Northern Ireland. I started my own search on google, where a half dozen or so entries came up, all referring to the birthplace of this same person. Google asked me if I meant Gatsyde Allancy Alba Ireland, and when I tried that, nothing came up. Puzzled, I broke the phrase down into smaller pieces and found that this place was not in Ireland at all, but in Scotland. Alba was an old name for Scotland. So those half dozen entries that came up on my google search, which, by the way, were on sites other than ancestry, all had the exact same misinformation.

I don't think one can blame the uninformed source, or even the genealogists who source that source. Just be aware that this resource is a lead and not absolute. More importantly, source your information - even if you did get it from John Smith on One World Tree who got it from Sue Jones who got it from Mary Brown. Then, at least whoever views that information will know where it came from. Even when you have official records, there can be errors. Whether it is clerical, intentional or just the census taken misunderstanding what your ancestors with those really think southern accents were saying, mistakes happen. With this, as in many other things in life, you have to take the good with the bad, sort the roots from the weeds and make your own decisions.

Note: photo above from message board posting and originates from a Japanese website where a rabbit owner discovered his pet's talent for being able to balance things on his head.

Sweet like Licorice

Visit Licorice's myspace page.

A little bit of this....

Rare photo of Florence Nightingale

Condom warning

Toby Keith Lyrics
"A Little Too Late"
I can humble myself enough to envision one of my exes saying these words...

It’s a little too late,
I’m a little too gone,
A little too tired of just hangin’ on
I’m letting go while I’m still strong enough to
It’s got a little too sad,
I’m a little too blue
It’s a little too bad
You were too good to be true
I’m big time over you baby
It’s a little too late

There was a time,
this heart of mine,
would take you back every time
don’t you know
It’s been two packs of cigarettes
a sleepless night
a nervous wreck, a day ago.
Now you ain’t got no business coming around
I’m closing up shop
Shuttin’ us down

I’m big time over you baby,
It’s a little too late

Word of the Day for Wednesday August 2, 2006

supercilious \soo-puhr-SIL-ee-uhs\, adjective:
Disdainfully arrogant; haughty.

The girl has a supercilious expression, and seems to be looking down her nose at the camera.
-- Annie Dillard, For the Time Being

Hot, hot, hot

A heat advisory is on until tomorrow evening. My shopping trip with the residents had to be canceled due to extreme heat. I already had one person pass out on me last week...don't need that again.

I've been working hard on my family tree and now I think I realize why none of my family likes to talk about our family - you might not like what you find out. Sure, everyone loves to find out about their ancestors from foreign lands, but knowing that your great grandparents were first cousins, not something you want to revisit. (That's not what happened in my case, for the record, no, even better, but I won't share or my family may shoot me.)

In other news, I picked up a temp assignment at my former university. I start on Monday and it should last four to six weeks. It will be in the same building that I spent most of my time in. I think it may be a bit weird going back, but we'll see - at least I know my way!

Keep cool, folks. Stay very still and very close to air conditioning.

Easier Each Year

Well, maybe not so much easier, as just... different. On this day thirteen years ago, I was sexually assaulted by my ex-boyfriend and my life was changed forever. I used to be consumed with absolute sadness and terror on this day and could barely drag myself out of bed. I've come a long way from there, but it's just different. It's less obvious. Instead of crying and hiding in my room, I don't cry, but am so scared at night, I put furniture in front of my door to keep people from coming in (in case the lock doesn't do the trick.)

It dawned on me that thirteen years as a rape survivor is almost as long as I lived before the attack. That is sobering news, because always my life has been defined as before and after. "After" was just this difficult time that I was going to eventually get over and go back to the way I was before. Sure it had been a few years, but these things take time, I'll look back on this period one day and see it as a hump I went through. But now... now that "after" is nearly as long as "before" - and really how much did I take in from age zero to three - I'm starting to get the idea that there is no going back. There will never be a "before" again. Was "before" even trauma free? Was before all that great? Am I just conveniently using this event to punctuate my life when it could be many other things that start and end the different chapters. I think I've had more than two chapters in this life of mine, and I think the last few have more going for them then "rape survivor". The book of my life doesn't read so simply, and that's a good thing. I'm slowly starting to realize all of this, but the connection from my heart to my head isn't always on (whose is, right?) so it will still be awhile before it all clicks. Before I stop taking things out on my body. Before I stop putting furniture in front of the door. Before I stop thinking of myself as damaged. Maybe one day I won't be afraid to just be all of me and really, truly believe that is enough.

Never Eat Soggy Waffles

I just switched wallets and was moving my stuff over to this cute little wallet I had purchased while in the UK. Carefully taking each item piece by piece, I found a new home in every slot and pocket. Unfortunately, when I got to the money I realized that my dollar bills wouldn't fit properly since this wallet was made to hold British Pound Sterling notes, which are shorter. D'oh. I've forgotten about details like this in the two years since I've returned to the U.S.

As a result of this little incident, I had this weird dream. I was dropped in the middle of nowhere and was desperately trying to find my way. I could remember the acronym used to identify the order of compass directions, "Never Eat Soggy Waffles". I learned that from one of my older cousins in Alabama when I was kid. It helps you remember that starting from the top going clockwise is North, East, South, West. So I know once I figure out one of the directions, I'll know the others. Unfortunately, without knowing any of my surrounding, my usual bearings for determining North/South/East/West were not there. I just know that certain streets in my area run certain ways. I also know that the shopping center called Purdue West is on the West side of campus. West Lafayette is on the West side of the river, etc., etc. In this dream, I could not find my way. Even though I had some of the answers, I had no starting point, so what I knew was useless.

So what is my starting point? For that matter, what is my ending point, or goal? I've begun the process of applying for law school. This process picked up again after a previous weird dream, but never mind that. Oh, and by beginning the process, I took out a book from the library on the LSAT, know when the next test is and when to apply. I have not yet opened that book or began studying or registered for the test. I know what school I want to attend, just not which of the two branches. I know when I want to start, Fall 2007. I'm just not sure how what is going on in my life at this moment fits in with that. I'm wondering if I should change my direction to help me get to my goal. Working part time is not making the situation any easier. I was holding on until the position (maybe) goes full time at the New Year, but even so, if I'm going to law school in August of that year, I'll be full time for a mere eight months, and benefits don't even start until three months in. It's time to face the facts, I've got to get a new starting point. Knowing the destination doesn't do any good if you don't know how to get there.

Birthday Girl

Today is my birthday and I am turning 29 for the first time! Woohoo! I was thinking back to my 19th bday and I was working at Hallmark in Woodmar Mall which has now been knocked down and I bought myself some helium balloons b/c I always wanted some when I was making them for somebody else.

Just got out of work, we went swimming which was fun. I stayed after supper and helped a few people work on their family trees.

It's Thursday, which is party night here in this college town, and I've already nearly run over a few kids carrying their Neon Cactus mugs to the bar!

Well, I better get to the getting. I've got to get to working on everything I want to do before I'm out of my twenties ;-)

Difficult Day

Another resident died later that day we found out about the first one. Both funerals were today.

Tomorrow is a holiday here in the U.S., of course, the 4th of July, or Independence Day. I will be working tomorrow, trying to have fun activities for the residents especially since today and the last week have been so difficult. We'll see how it goes.

This too, shall pass...

We lost one of our residents today. She passed away last night.

I understand this is the circle of life, and she's in a better place, but I'm still very sad.

Home Sweet Home

The state that produced Dan Quayle - should I be surprised?

This is my home, people. This is where bureaucracy makes a $5 dispute cost over $1 million. Insane.

And my birthplace was just saved from a terrorist plot. Leave one type of madness for another, I suppose.

Buy One Get Six Free

Happy Summer! I was just reading this story about celebrating the soltice at Stonehenge, and it shows a picture of a girl up against one of the stones. I thought no one was allowed up there, but then I see that they began allowing full access again in 2000, which is the year I was there, so it must've been after my visit :-( Then I started thinking, hmm, I would like to go sometime, funny, haven't I ever been in England on June 21st before? Then I remembered, yes I have, in fact the year I went to Stonehenge I was there on that date, but I paid my visit in May. D'oh! It was a school organized thing, and it didn't even dawn on me about the whole solstice thing. Oh well.

Fourth of July is quickly approaching, so firework shops are turning up everywhere. Where my parents live, which is right at the state line, they are popping up like weeds. Large signs with bright colors and many banners offering deals like buy one get six free. I've never seen an offer like that offered in other context. See, it's illegal to buy fireworks in the neighboring state, so people flock over the state line and get the goods. In fact, even though it was legal to sell and buy fireworks in our state, until this year, it was illegal to light them. A local paper referred to it as the wink, wink, nudge, nudge arrangement. Earlier this year, though, the governor passed legislation which now makes it legal to set off fireworks and (of course) put a tax on the sale of it. This tax will go towards training for firefighters on how to do with firework incidents. Interesting, eh?

Jonathan is coming to visit this weekend. He'll be in town helping a friend move. Haven't seen him in "a dog's age", as he says, so it should be interesting.

It is hotter than heck here. It should be illegal to go outside in this weather, you can't even breathe. I just hold my breath til I get to the air conditioning of my car. Ridiculous. Since this is a prairie state, and this is extreme weather, a tornado watch is now in effect for the area. I mean, can we just have the heat and maybe pretend like we're in a tropical state? Well, in that case, maybe we'd be looking out for hurricanes. Oh well.

Til next time.

To Dads, with love

Happy Father's Day! Mom and Dad are out having breakfast. I have to check my car and see if I actually remembered to bring Dad's present. D'oh! Everyone seems to be running these really sappy commercials about Dads that are both annoying and make me want to cry! (not b/c of their annoyance, but b/c of their poignance) Nothing like a good guilt trip and pulling at the heart strings to make people spend money (I thought that was reserved for Christmas)!

The little boys (pugs) are sleeping, the big boy is sleeping (hung over) and I'm thinking about going back to bed. Since Mom was kind enough to tackle the Dad breakfast task, I have some time to kill. I really do have it easy, without kids and such. Dad had three kids by the time he was my age. One of them was approaching their teenage years (that was me), and his black hair very soon turned gray. Poor guy. I love you, Dad, Happy Father's Day! :-)

Just another Psycho Saturday

I'm visiting my parents for Father's Day weekend. I drove up this afternoon after the wedding and went straight to the barbecue at Mama Joanie's house. We all had a blast and people were passing out by ten. I'm going to the beach tomorrow with Danielle and company, which should be fun. I'm going to try and make it back over to Mama Joanie's before I leave though to do a dip in their new pool :-)

It is ridiculously hot here this weekend. Thank goodness the wedding was inside or I think everyone would've passed out. I might be sleeping on the couch here b/c upstairs gets hotter than the rest of the house. Funny, though, I live on the second floor in my apartment. Hmm... If I go to the beach, I don't think I'm leaving the water. I'm such a wuss when it comes to heat. A product of my Irish roots, I guess.

I have been really affected by the comments of some people in recent weeks. Ever since I decided on doing what everyone told me I should've done a long time ago, which is cut out relationships that go nowhere, live life the way I want to, etc, etc, I have had some negative feedback. Both Ronan and Mike called me "psycho". Call me a bitch, whore, cow, whatever, and I'll get over it, but a psycho just gets under my skin. My friends try and reassure me and say, "consider the source", but it still bugs me. I'm always open about my feelings and the effects that Post Traumatic Stress Disorder has had on my life for the past thirteen years, and when someone vile gets angry at me, they throw it right back in my face. Just when I feel like I've made some positive progress, I let things like this affect me and I wonder if I'll ever get past the "psycho" stage. Now I'm thinking, "maybe it's true, maybe I am psycho" and start looking at various things in my life and second guess every choice I make. That just leads to more uncertainty and anxiety and makes me more sensitive which allows me to be more vulnerable to people like Mike and Ronan and take hurtful things they say close to heart. How can that possibly be psychologically healthy?

Looking at this rationally, I can see that the best and healthiest thing to do is cut the cord and don't look back. No second guesses, no regrets. Unfortunately, like all humans, sometimes emotions get the better of me and that's not always a good thing. Maybe that's why Ronan and Mike say the things they do. Emotional outbursts?

I remember at a school dance a guy named David had "asked me out", which meant asking me to be his girlfriend. We had talked about starting a relationship for awhile, but I still wasn't sure. He tried to pressure me into an answer, and when I replied no, he went ballistic. The exchange was something like this:

Him: Sabrina, will you go out with me?
Me: David, I'm still not sure, we talked about this earlier today - I don't know if it's worth risking our friendship.
Him: Sabrina, I really care about you and I want to be with you. Let's do it, c'mon, just say yes.
Me: I'm not sure...
Him: Don't say that, I really like you.
Me: Don't pressure me, David
Him: I want an answer right now
Me: Seriously, don't pressure me.
Him: I'm taking an answer right now, now or never
Me: Well, then, if you need an answer right now, the answer is no.
Him: YOU STUPID BITCH. You're nothing but an ugly whore, etc, etc.

This was in front of a gym full of people and I was mortified. I'm sure he was, too, but all the words up until the expletives were said at a level where no one else could hear. Everyone heard his tirade against me and wondered what the hell I did to him.

Did I do something to him? Was my uncertainty unfair to him? Should I just have said no from the start? I really did like him, I was just afraid that things would turn sour, which they did anyways, so kind of a moot point.

And how can Ronan call ME psychotically inclined when he is the one who has disappeared into thin air a half a dozen times, without warning or explanation, then reappear some time later, acting like nothing happened.

And Mike implies I'm off balance when he asks me to lie to his girlfriend's parents and tell them that I am Mike's girlfriend, so that they don't think anything is going on between she and he, since he was her coach and is closer in age to her parents than her.

I don't know. I've always believed that everyone has the life they deserve. In cases like the aforementioned men, Ronan lives a total Jerry Springer life with his baby's mama and no job and computer games 24 hours a day and Mike has an anger problem with a too young girlfriend and has been alienated by the community for both of those things.

I guess time will tell for me. I have a job that pays very little, but I love. No romantic life to speak of, and very few close friends. Ronan said I was running low on material for my blog. Yeah, b/c I actually have a normal life now! No baby mama drama, internet boyfriends/girlfriends and lies that affect me. I'm normal and if that make me boring, hurray for boring.

Sleepy time

We went to the pool today which was super fun. I took a group of residents to the local Y and we did some water walking and aquacise and plain old splashing around, which was cool. I'm so sleepy now, b/c I feel like I've been in a warm bath. The water was 85 degrees.

It has been shaping up to be a busy summer at work. Tomorrow we go back to the Y for Bingo, which is an all day affair. I have to take one bus load clear across town, drop them off, drive back and pick up another bus load and do it again after Bingo's over. There are also free concerts on certain evenings and we are going to continue to go swimming every week. It's a lot to get in when there's only one person running the whole department. It's fun, though.

I feel like I have so much free time now that I don't talk to Mike or Ronan anymore. As much as I didn't think they were interfering with my life, I can now see that they were. My friend pointed out that I wasn't likely to meet anyone else while my time and energy was wrapped up in them, and she was right. It's only been a couple of weeks since I talked to Mike, but it feels like forever, and that's a good thing. It really is hard to imagine going back to that way of life - being consumed with people who just talk a lot of smack and do absolutely nothing to back it up.

I can't believe I just wrote "smack"! What is going on with me? :-)

Well, I got majorly screwed at work the other day. I did all the leg work to get this grant for a new piece of medical equipment and I wasn't even invited to the ceremony! I only found out about it the day before (the ceremony) and was told the nurse was giving a speech. I asked why she was giving it and not me and they said it was b/c it was medical equipment, which is understandable. Then I said, well what time is it, I still would like to go. Silence. Umm, I didn't put your name down and it's reservation only. WHAT??? I initiated the entire process, got the application, asked the nurse what she needed, wrote the grant, got quotes from the medical equipment company, turned everything in and I'm not invited!!!! Wow. I was pissed and I could tell the director was thinking, "shit, I forgot about her!" C'est la vie, I suppose. You win some, you lose some. I don't know, something like that.

Father's Day is this weekend. My family and friends are having a cookout, but I won't be attending b/c there is a wedding at work on Saturday. Two of our residents are tying the knot. Maybe I'll go after the ceremony...we'll see.

Getting more settled here in my new city. Got a table for my kitchen and a toaster oven. Registered with a doctor here. Signed up for a scrap (book) night at a local scrapbook store. Slowly but surely.

My lease is ending soon and my landlords have offered another lease, this time for a year. I've accepted, but we haven't signed anything yet.

The feeling of the "warm bath" doesn't seem to be going away, so I better succumb to it. Later gators! ;-)

Destiny Unfulfilled Part 2

I have a few more thoughts about my previous post about wondering how things may have been different had you done this instead of that; turned right instead of left, etc. There is a movie called Sliding Doors with Gwyneth Paltrow that addresses this issue. It shows how her life would have been different if she had missed a train or made the train. Butterfly Effect is another movie that tackles it in an entirely different way. I often think of that film as the epitome of Mike and me. The moral of the story at the end (in the theatrical version) is that these two people just shouldn't be together, ever. The main character keeps going back in time to try and make things right, but each time things end up screwing one person or another until he makes sure that he and this girl never speak again, as early as their childhood.

Anyhow, another real life example that I was thinking about involves Ronan. When I flew back to Belfast after going home for Christmas, I was going to take a bus to Derry, where Ronan lived. He had called me more than once each day while I was at home in America and we were supposed to get back together. He supposedly was breaking up with this girl as soon as he got home (he was also in America) and blah blah blah. So, I'm at the Belfast airport and the bus to Derry is most frequent from there, but before I go, I phone Ronan and tell him that I'm coming. He tells me not to. I tell him if I'm gonna go there to visit it has to be now b/c if I go all the way home from the airport, I'm going to fall asleep for a good day and a half before I can even consider anything. He talks like he's only looking out for my best interest and just wants me to go home to rest, trust him, he says, he just went through that jet lag and it's not fun. I'm a bit peeved, but ultimately listen to what he says and go on home. Next thing you know, I can't get hold of him for four days. He's not answering my calls, he's picking up his phone and hanging up and I have no idea what the hell is going on. It's obvious he's avoiding me, but I was so confused as to why since this whole getting back together was his idea, and he was so keen, calling me in Belfast while he was in America, calling me in America while he was there, and even when he got back. Most often, multiple times a day. After the fourth day, I said forget about it and went to Jason's for a bit of "stress relief". Wouldn't you know it, right on cue, Ronan decides to call and is pissed that I f*cked Jason. Oh yeah, the other reason why I wanted to go to Derry straight from the airport is because I was leaving for Edinburgh, Scotland within the week. It's not like we were going to be close in proximity for much longer.

Ronan said the reason he had been avoiding me was because he hadn't broke up with this girl and he wasn't sure he wanted to, so he was conflicted and avoided us both (mmhmm). He says he decided on me, broke up with her, then called me and I had f*cked Jason. Oops. Win some, lose some.

So, what if I had just gone to Derry from the airport, how would things have turned out? Would it have been better or worse? Same? I don't know, but it's one of those things I wonder about when I think of those times that could have gone either way.

Destiny Unfulfilled

We've all heard about when big things happen and people say it was destiny. My friend, Phil, the cynic, cited a comic who said, "I feel the need to walk over there to fulfill this person's destiny"; pointing out the number of circumstances that need to align for this theory to be true. It's easy enough to look in hindsight at something pivotal in your life and say that it was destiny, but what about the destiny that was unfulfilled? What about when you didn't listen to your instinct and an opportunity passed? I imagine there are many, many times, when you wouldn't even realize the moment had passed you by, because it wasn't even a near miss. But when you did see the opportunity gone, do you ever think that maybe had you listened to your intuition, your destiny would have been fulfilled?

I used to often think of the day when I was thirteen years old when I met both Mike and the guy who would later become my rapist. Given the outcome of both of those relationships, I would wonder, "what if I just stayed home that day?" Would I not have met either of them? What course would my life have taken then? Would it be better? Worse? Of course, at first I always thought it would have had to have been better. I mean who really thinks that a three year long tumultuous, borderline abusive relationship and being raped is the better of the two options?

Looking at the situation a bit more practically, even if I would have stayed home that day, I probably still would have met Mike. He lived down the street from me and we had mutual friends who wanted us to meet.

The other guy is probably a safe bet that I wouldn't have met had I stayed home that day. My two friends and I were walking around our block and came across him in an alley. Ever the socialites, my friends decided to said hello and introduce him to me, since I was the designated guy meeter. It was absolutely a chance meeting, he did not live in the area, was visiting his extended family, and I have no idea what he was doing out walking around.

So, based on the evidence so far, I might be inclined to say that yes, I SHOULD have stayed home that day because I wouldn't have met the person who would later rape me and change my life forever.

In the aftermath of the attack, I would cry and hate this person not only because of what he did to me, but more so, for taking Mike away from me. Mike and I had been off and on from the time I was 13 up until the time of the rape, which happened when I was 16. No matter how bad things got, what we did or said to each other, we would always, always, get back together. People thought we were going to get married. We'd probably need a serious marriage counselor, but still, we just seemed like we were addicted to each other. No matter how hard we tried to stay apart, to be with other people, we couldn't seem to live without each other. That was, until I was raped by the man who I met on the same day I met him.

That's a bit of a crucial point to the effect this had on our relationship because having met two guys I was interested in on the same day, I just went for the first one who made a move, and it was not Mike. As a result, I started a relationship with this other guy, while Mike watched from the sidelines. Mike and I still developed a friendship, a strong one at that; and while I never cheated, I could sense that someone was happening between Mike and I. When I tried to break up with the first guy, he threatened suicide and I took him back. Mike was heartbroken. Eventually, the guy broke up with me when it became clear that my feelings were elsewhere.

Three years later, when Mike learned that this guy (who was now a man) raped me, he was livid. When he found out the details that led to this attack, he pushed me away. I had willingly put myself in the same place at the same time with this man, and had even kissed him on my own accord. Mike and I were in one of our off phases, and while this was not unusual, the fact that I had been with this particular person was especially poignant, given the history.

Anyhow, Mike couldn't deal with it. He couldn't deal with the fact that I had been raped, that I had been with this other man, and that now I was scared to even let Mike hug me. It was over. It had never been over before, but this was the catalyst for the true end of Mike and I's relationship. I used to think, "of all the things I hate (the rapist) for, I hate him the most for taking Mike away from me". I thought it was going to be hard enough to be able to trust Mike again, now I had to go and try to trust someone else? If I had just been raped and not lost Mike, that would've been catastrophic enough in my life. If I had lost Mike and not been raped, that too, would have been a major devastation. To have both at the same time was almost too much to bear.

Years went by, and it really was over for me and Mike. I never saw him or talked to him, we shared no mutual friends anymore and I was forced to go on without him. It took a very, very, long time, but I eventually got over him and was able to trust someone again. Mike got married, I went off to college.

As the time and distance passed and I developed new relationships and could see things more objectively, I thought of the type of relationship Mike and I had, and I saw how destructive it was for both of us. No matter how hard we tried to work it out or end it and stay the hell away from each other, we just couldn't seem to make it stick. Then I realized that the thing I hated most about the rape was really one of the best things to come from it. It took that to finally end the years of emotional rollercoaster we had been on. Had we stayed together, or kept on going as we were, my life would have been different, and I don't think it would have been good or healthy for either one of us or our families.

So what if I had stayed home that day? I would've still met Mike. We still would've had one of the most tumultuous relationships in history, but I wouldn't have met the one person who was able to put an end to it.

All the drama, none of the rewards

Ronan says: boo
Sabby says: you scared me
Ronan says: :-)
Ronan says: i got ur mail
Sabby says: i know, I got ur reply
Ronan says: i was wondering
Ronan says: would u rather i didnt follow ur blog?
Sabby says: I don't really care, it's not like I can regulate something like that, and I know what's going in my life, you're the one who will be further enmeshed in it by reading it
Ronan says: i see
Ronan says: well im sorry i bothered u
Ronan says: i hope your new attitude serves u well
Sabby says: me too
Ronan says: it will most certainly keep u safe from relationships :-(
Sabby says: Hopefully the unhealthy ones that go no where that I've been in
Ronan says: alright, well since im so poisonous to you, i guess i should remove myself from ur life
Sabby says: You already have - when's the last time we spoke?
Ronan says: too long ago, i thought
Ronan says: are u ready to say goodbye ?
Sabby says: I've said it so many times with you
Ronan says: i promise u will never have to again
Sabby says: I know I won't b/c you keep pulling a disappearing act before I even know anything is wrong
Ronan says: ok
Ronan says: goodbye sabrina , i will miss you
Sabby says: I'm sure you will - say hi to the other american redheads you chat with
Ronan says: nice parting words
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Note: picture is from findagrave.com