Round 2: Retail Therapy. I spent the day at the Trafford Centre. I intended to get a manicure and get my hair cut, did neither, but still spent money. Most of the money I spent (other than for the travel there and back, which was at least £10!) was spent at Birthdays, a card shop. They actually have two stores in the one mall and I bought from both of them! I'm such a sucker for that kind of stuff.

I am at the office downtown now, taking a wee break for lunch. I just made a hair appointment at a place not far from where I live. I have been trying to get in contact with them for ages. Back in April, I saw a woman at the community fair whose hair I really liked and asked her where she got it done, and she told me about this place. My appointment is for tomorrow afternoon. When I rang and asked for first available, she said apologetically that there was nothing for Friday, but there was an opening on Thursday. I guess a lot of people get their hair done on Friday or something...

I also just got off the phone with the hair buying people. I have to send it in and then they send me a cheque. So, whether I decide to donate it or sell it, I just have to have a ponytail cut off and send it in to whichever place I choose.

In other news, I miss Ronan. I miss him a lot. Most of the stuff I bought yesterday was for him, but I don't think I'll get the chance to give it to him. Yeah, you may say that I said this or that about him, but I don't care. I just miss him. All the bullsh*t aside, I'm in love with him and he's no longer a part of my life and that makes me sad. That's normal. I miss him and I'm sad.

Well, I better get back to work. Oh, I broke the keyboard at the housing office (actually, it just broke and I was the one using it when it happened, so now I'm responsible for it. Grrr...)so I might not be able to post as frequently as I would like. Ah well, such is life...

Until next time,
Love,
Sabrina :-)

I indulged in a little retail therapy today. Damage about £20, but I'll get about £5 reimbursed and really I kind of needed at least some of the stuff...

Now that I have money, I am determined to get my hair cut this week. It is my last week here in Manchester. I sat near the fountain in Piccadilly Gardens today and took some pictures. Oh, I also had Burger King for the first time in at least six months. The cashier didn't charge me for my whopper no meat, so that was cool.

Right, so back to my hair. Last time I had it cut, I donated it to Locks of Love, which is based in the US. I am looking online now for some place to donate it in the UK, but nothing is coming up. On the Cancer Research UK site, it tells about where you can sell your hair... Hmm....

I bought some temporary hair colour during my retail therapy today. I think I'll wait until I get it cut to do it, though, b/c with all the hair I have now, I would probably need two bottles!

I bought some M&Ms today, which is super cool, b/c you don't often come across them over on this side of the ocean - only the peanut flavour. However, I am sad to report, that I think I may not be able to eat chocolate anymore. I thought it was only milk I couldn't take, but as I often drink milk with chocolate, I tried chocolate without the milk and I still got sick :-( What will this mean for my future? Will I be able to carry on? Umm, yeah, I think I'll somehow find the strength to go forth, mmhmm.

My cousin, Mary, got married last night. Congratulations! My Mom flew to Tennessee for the ceremony. I spoke to her on the phone after she arrived and it made me want to be there so bad! I haven't been to Tennessee in awhile.

So, I am going to spend two weeks in nearby Warrington where I will train at the Childrens Peace Centre learning how to deliver anti-bullying workshopsto 11 year olds. I will then deliver the workshops to over 1000 young people. I am excited about the training, but a bit nervous. I can't believe it is already time to move again. I feel like I am always moving, but that's probably because I always am! After the two weeks there, I am off to Ballycastle, Northern Ireland to volunteer with Corrymeela Community. I don't know how long I will be there, but for now it is planned for until the end of August. I did get into University of Ulster for the MA in Peace and Conflict Studies, but I don't know how I am going to fund it. We shall see what the next day holds for us all, I suppose.

Well, lots of song lyrics and meaningful quotes. Looks like another row with Ronan. Yes, somehow I allowed him into my heart again, and, as each time before, he broke it into thousands of pieces. As I mentioned in my previous post, I was in Derry for a few days last week. It was a spontaneous trip which I paid for with my weekly stipend, and was coaxed to do so by Ronan. Not that I needed much coaxing, but just to say he wanted me there as much as I wanted to be there. The first night was great, the next morning was good, but by lunchtime it was...over. He came home from work for his lunch break, and as I had been alone in his flat all morning, I was quite happy to see him and wanted to, umm, spend some quality time with him. He wanted to watch tv. I wanted to watch tv with him. He wanted me to play on the computer. He said he felt awkward. Things weren't the same. I was gutted. We'll talk about this when I get home from work, he says. I go to sleep because I don't know what else to do.

He comes home and this is where it all goes downhill. He says he needs time. He says it feels weird me being there. I ask, then, if he wants me to leave. Well, where can you go, he says? I know then that is exactly what he wants but he knows I have nowhere to go and no return ticket or money to get back. The rest of the time is spent trying to figure out where I can go and I am so shocked, hurt and devastated that I can barely go through the motions. I just want to forget about it until I leave, which I will have to do eventually anyways. He won't have it and says he doesn't want to make things complicated by hugging or touching me in any way. No, I can't lay next to him to watch tv, and I am "psycho" for being upset about it.

Another day goes by. I just can't deal with it anymore and I tell him I hate him, that I never want to speak to him after I leave here. After I get this out, I feel so much better and begin to feel like a person again. He, however, goes on like I have insulted his mother or something and sulks for days (he still is) about me saying I hate him. I say I was upset, I apologize. He doesn't let it go.

He arranges a flight for me. It is half the cost for me to leave the following day, but he uses all the money he has to get me the hell out of there.

Today I see him online and he says he doesn't love me anymore and I am psycho.

I must be to have to let you in my life again, Ronan.

Trouble is a sieve through which we sift all our acquaintances. Those too big to go through are our real friends. - Yaniv Loran

The worst way to miss someone is to have them sitting beside you, knowing you can't have them.

If something is to give light, it must first endure burning.

How you gonna win when you ain't right within? - Lauryn Hill

You do not have to be your mother unless she is who you want to be. You do not have to be your mother's mother or even your mother's mother's mother. You may inherit their chins or their hips or their eyes, but you are not destined to become the women who came before you. So if you inherit something, inherit their strength. If you inherit something, inherit their resilience. Because the only person you are destined to be is the person you decide to be.

A man who wishes to lead the orchestra must turn his back on the crowd. - Jack Lee

Never forget that only dead fish swim with the stream - Malcolm Muggeridge

They that can give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety. - Benjamin Franklin, Historical Review of Pennsylvania, 1759


http://www.coolquotescollection.com/cat/wisdom/51/

I don't know what you're looking for
You haven't found it baby, thats for sure
You rip me up, you spread me all around
In the dust of the deed of time

And this is not a case of lust you see
It's not a matter of you versus me
It's fine the way you want to be on your own
But in the end it's always me alone

I'm losing my favourite game
You're losing your mind again
I'm losing my baby, losing my favourite game

I only know what I've been working for
Another you so I could love you more
I really thought that I could take you there
But my experiment is not getting us anywhere
I had a vision I could turn you right
A stupid mission in a lethal fight
I should have seen it when my hope was new
My heart is black and my body is blue

And I'm losing my favourite game
You're losing your mind again
I'm losing my favourite game
You're losing your mind again

I'm losing my baby, losing my favourite game
I'm losing my favourite game (losing my favourite)
You're losing your mind again (I try)
I try but you're still the same (I try)
I'm losing my baby
You're losing a saviour and a saint

Cardigans, My Favorite Game

http://www.stlyrics.com/songs/c/cardigans5688/myfavoritegame229583.html

Still a little bit of your taste in my mouth
Still a little bit of you laced with my doubt
Still a little hard to say what's going on

Still a little bit of your ghost your witness
Still a little BIT of your face I haven't kissed
You step a little closer each day
THAT I can't SAY what's going on

Stones taught me to fly
Love taught me to lie
Life taught me to die
So it's not hard to fall
When you float like a cannonball

Still a little bit of your song in my ear
Still a little bit of your words I long to hear
You step a little closer to me
So close that I can't see what's going on

Stones taught me to fly
Love, it taught me to lie
Life taught me to die
So it's not hard to fall
When you float like a cannon

Stones taught me to fly
Love taught me to cry
So come on courage!
Teach me to be shy
'Cause it's not hard to fall
And I don't wanna scare her
It's not hard to fall
And I don't wanna lose
It's not hard to grow
When you know that you just don't know

Damien Rice, Cannonball
http://www.sing365.com/music/lyric.nsf/Cannonball-lyrics-Damien-Rice/277965B2EBEE3E9848256DA0000AE7E1#

Here's a cool nineties site.

Don't you hate it when you're watching TV or playing on the computer and you really have to go pee but you think you'll just wait to the commercial or whatever, but then you wait longer and before you know you REALLY REALLY have to go. Why do I do that? Why don't I just go the first time the feeling strikes me?

I received a package from my mum today. In it was a letter from my friend Angie with details about all I need to know to be a bridesmaid at her wedding. This is more complicated than I thought; especially when I am in a different country until the day.

I am looking at classmates.com. I only look at this site when I am not in America. When I am in America, in the midwest region, I tend to avoid people I went to school with like the plague. Don't get me wrong, enjoyed school and all, but I just hate 1.) the comments on how much weight I've gained 2.) explaining why I'm not married, in a serious relationship, or don't have any children 3.) why I live abroad 4.) explaining that yes, I am still a vegetarian. It's like I have to argue all these points and why should anyone have to argue their beliefs at any time, but especially to someone you haven't seen in 10 years who just run into at the supermarket. Crikey.

Right, so the point was, I check it out when I am outside of the country. It makes me feel closer to home; which is not always a good thing!

I'm also amazed at how many people's names I just do not remember. It's weird. My school wasn't big or anything, and pretty much everyone knew everyone, but I read the names, and think "that sounds familiar..." but have no idea who the person is.

Well, England lost last night :-( Out of Euro 2004. It was a good game, though, and went into double overtime and then penalties. Ronan was more than happy to see me upset at England losing, as his favourite team is anyone who plays England.

Speaking of Ronan, I just got back from Derry, Northern Ireland, this afternoon. I flew out of City of Derry airport, which is teeny tiny, and for the first time, rode on a propeller aircraft. I got really nervous when I saw a plane land and it had space for about four people. I looked around the departure lounge and saw only three of us. Uh, oh. I remembered my Dad telling me about his experience in a small plane, and he didn't like it one bit. I made a decision then and there to stick with the bigger airports, even if it was a longer drive! When the plane did arrive (my plane, I mean) it looked huge in comparison, which made me feel much better. It was all fine and dandy. I really think Derry is a great city, though, so here's a link to the youth hostel as well.

As I rolled my suitcase along the estate on my way back this evening, a group of lads from my youth project came up and asked if I was leaving. I was a bit confused because I didn't know if they were referring to my leaving in a couple of weeks or just inquiring about the suitcase. Anyhow, they seemed to think it was pretty cool that I just got back from Northern Ireland.

On my way here to the office, I ran into some more of my kids and they all had found out about my leaving. I sat outside and chatted with them for about a half hour. It was nice. I will miss the kids, they have been the best part of this experience by far.

I was talking to my lifelong, friend, Becky about chants we used to do as a kid and then I came across this site.

http://www.centerofweb.com/kids/games/picking_it.htm

It brings back memories ;-)

Interesting day. Good news first - I have been accepted into University of Ulster's MA Peace and Conflict Studies Program. Bad news - I was attacked on the estate again last night. Interesting news - I may be leaving Manchester within the week. I guess I shall just see what tomorrow brings...

God, I feel sick to my stomach. I don't think it's the pasta & sauce mix I ate, either. Damn men. I swear to God, they will seriously be the end of me.

In other news, I have been steadily applying for jobs in Chicago via email. I still haven't heard from the graduate school in Northern Ireland to which I applied. I don't even know if it is a feasible option anyways, as even if I am accepted, I haven't the slightest clue how I plan to finance it. Maybe I could give 'em a bell today and see how the process is coming along.

Ugh ----- MEN!!!!!!!!!!

And my roommate and my boss and my other boss are all doing my fricking head in. I have taken to getting up at 5 am to do things so I don't see any of them! I am supposed to be at the health centre turning in my prescription form but I am too scared to go b/c of the stuff that happened last time I was over that way. I am getting really agorophobic and find myself staying in more and more. I swear to God these damn hooligans have no idea the havoc they can wreak on people's lives. A death threat, a knife and a hatchet may be par for the course for them, but for someone like me it is crippling. Maybe I should just go home...

I am really annoyed. I am going on vacation this week because my boss is getting on my nerves.
How would you like it if your boss talked to you all the time about how you get on with your neighbours and whether or not you've paid your bills on time? Oh wait, come to think of it, he's not even my boss. My boss is actually based in the Manchester head office and I am supposed to have supervision meetings with her. And then there is the other person with whom I'm supposed to meet with, the chairperson, but he is a mirage seen only every now and again, and just when you think you've got a good view, poof, it's gone. And then of course, there is the Volunteer Director, who has been on leave for two months now. She is back in the office, but when I phoned to speak to her, the secretary was playing gatekeeper and wouldn't put me through. I left a message and a week later, I've still not heard from her.

How about this, folks? Come live on a ghetto council estate in one of the worst areas of the whole of northwest England, work with children with behavioural problems, get shit about it from your neighbours, no support from any member of management, a chastisement anytime you ask to go to a training, and oh yeah, live on £55 a week. How does that sound? Yes, please, sign me up!!!

Yet these people seem to think they are doing ME a favour. Okay, I'll stop abusing your goodwill and leave this oasis of beauty of tranquility and let you manage the forty two young people, organize work projects and trips, recruit adult volunteers from the estate and build them up so they become confident enough to start to make a real contribution to the youngsters. Go on. I've really taken enough from you kind folks already. What with the posh flat with a leaking roof, a broken door, and a wooden door acting as my bed, I really ask too much. Oh and the washing machine with no handle, the three legged table in the kitchen, the broken lamp and nightstand, I've been far too greedy.

I know I go on and on about these e-card thingees, but I think they are so funny! I am easily amused, though, especially when it comes to animals! I watch the cats and dogs around our estate and laugh with glee. Hey, it's the simple things in life, right? RIGHT??!!

Hey, hey, I'm back already. So, what did I do with all that time for myself? Well, some kids came over and I worked with them for awhile and then I took a nap. Woohoo. (That's a sarcastic woohoo, in case you didn't notice!) I really need to get back home and do some washing and cleaning up. I had wanted to do some laundry for the past couple of days now, but didn't because it was raining! I hang my clothes out on the line, ok? I could, of course, hang them on the radiator, but then they smell funny...

Tomorrow I will be going with the kids to LaserQuest. Yippee! Shooting one another with lasers is fun for all.

Better go, is starting to get dark and don't want to walk alone at night in the ghetto.

Bye, bye!

Love,
Sabrina :-)

Hello, hello. Well, I started off the day by doing another CPR course. It was good and it refreshed my memory as well as learning how to use a defibrilator, which can't be a bad thing, right? This training only took an hour and a half, but the one I did with the kids took seven hours! And this one was free. Only one other person from the community turned up, but I suppose that is better than nothing. I hadn't really publicized a lot b/c I had an upper limit of six people. Anywhoo, I'm organizing another one for later in the summer and will spread the word.

We're also organizing a community clean up day for Saturday, 26 June. I just made the flyer for that and got some nifty posters from the Tidy Britain campaign. I can't photocopy them, though, b/c our machine is all buggered. :( Oh well. The main thing I have to work on this weekend is getting a presentation together for the conference on Tuesday, but my stomach is growling, so maybe I'll have lunch first! :-)

Olka and I were supposed to be in Stoke this afternoon, but I never got the final details from the person who was picking us up, so we didn't want to run the risk of being stranded at the Stoke train station and waste four hours of travel time. Ah well.
Now I have more time for ME! Actually, I have more time to work on this presentation, which is probably what I'm going to do.

So, did everyone watch Big Brother last night? Kitten got evicted. I think the rules she broke were piddly and the real reason they kicked her out was because she's due in court this week, or there could be other reasons.

Ah well, off to lunch. Hope all is with everyone!

Love,
Sabrina

This page talks about quotes that help thru life. I was doing a search for the Einstein quote about doing the same things over again and expecting different results and came across that page. I was looking for the Einstein quote because it seems to be what so many people do, and that is what is happening here on the estate on which I'm working. They want change, they want youth to be happy, thereby not busting out windows or setting things on fire, but they don't like doing new things to make that change happen. They really want Olka and I to keep doing the things that were done before, that made no difference. Why the hell did you recruit two people from different countries, having them bring their lives, knowledge and expertise to this estate in Salford and just carry on doing what you have been doing for years? It doesn't make sense.

Anyhow, I haven't written in awhile b/c I pulled a muscle in my back and was bed ridden. :-( I couldn't even open the door for the doctor when she came and had to drop the keys out of my bedroom window! She gave me some painkillers, though, and then I was able to make my way down the hall to the toilet with an ounce of dignity. Before, I would crawl if I could get myself up that far, or else sliver like a snake. Yeah, not a whole lot of dignity going on there!

It's Bank Holiday weekend, yippee! In America, this weekend is the unofficial start of Summer. Here in Britain, it seemed to be back on May Day, or the first bank holiday during the first week of May.

So, I have applied for admission to the University of Ulster, Magee Campus, for the MA in Peace and Conflict Studies. I've only sent it off a week and a half ago, so I've not heard anything. Fingers crossed...

Well I've got a lot of entertainment gossip to catch up on, so I'll catch you all later!

Love,
Sabrina :-)

Oh these baby cards make me laugh like a schoolgirl. The problem I think with this site, or maybe it's just my computer, is that it has these annoying pop up ads and changes the homepage of your browser. It is quickly fixed, but annoying nonetheless. What do you expect for free, right?

I am not at all well and this is actually the first time I've left the house in two days. I'm still in my pajamas and my hair is sticking out, but I wanted to quickly check my email. Olka took one look at me yesterday and was like "Are you okay?" I'm just pale as a sheet and in pain, but hey, that's life. Actually, I've got to get back to bed now. Hope all is well.

This card absolutely made me cry. Aww....

I tell you how I feel, but you don't care
I say tell me the truth but you don't dare
You say love is a hell you cannot bear
And I say gimme mine back and then go there - for all I care

Fiona Apple - Sleep to Dream
http://www.neverisapromise.com/niap/lyrics/tidal/sleeptodream.htm

Seriously, Ronan, you suck. You suck really bad.

See i dont, know why, i liked you so much
I gave you all, of my trust
I told you, i loved you, now thats all down the drain
Ya put me through pain, i wanna let u know how i feel


Fuck what i said it dont mean shit now
Fuck the presents might as well throw em out
Fuck all those kisses, they didnt mean jack
Fuck you, you hoe, i dont want you back

Ya questioned, if i care
You could ask anyone, i even said
Ya were my great one
Now its, over, but i do admit i'm sad

Eamon - Fuck It (I Don't Want You Back)
http://www.lyred.com/lyrics/EAMON/F%2A%2AK+It/F%2A%2Ak+it/

You call me up and you tell me how much you love me and how much you want to be with me and that you are "crystal clear" about what you want now. You even tell me you'll go with me around the world and that you want to spend the REST OF YOUR LIFE with me. I'm dubious, as usual, but when you start talking about marriage and shit, I'm thinking, "maybe he's serious this time". You reassured me that everything was going to be fine. We talked about my immigration paperwork. I applied for my Masters at Magee, we were going to live together. I seriously feel like a complete and utter moron.

I have never been so insulted in all my life
I could swallow the seas to wash down all this pride
First you run like a fool just to be at my side
And now you run like a fool, but you just run to hide, and I don't abide

I got my feet on the ground and I don't go to sleep to dream
You got your head in the clouds and you're not all what you seem
This mind, this body, and this voice cannot be stiffled by your deviant ways
So don't forget what I told you, don't come around, I got my own hell to raise

Fiona Apple - Sleep to Dream
http://www.neverisapromise.com/niap/lyrics/tidal/sleeptodream.htm

Get outta my mouth
Get outta my head
Get outta my mind
Stop puttin' words in my head
Get outta my mouth
You're nothing but trouble
Get outta my life
Get out of me
Out of me (out of me)

TLC - Dear Lie

you really got me going, you got me so I don't know what I'm doing
yea, you really got me now, you got me so I can't sleep at night
yea, you really got me now, you got me so I don't know what I'm doing
You really got me
The Kinks
http://www.lyricsxp.com/lyrics/y/you_really_got_me_the_kinks.html

How many times do I have to say
To get away-get gone
Flip your shit past another lasses
Humble dwelling
You got your game, made your shot, and you got away
With a lot, but I'm not turned-on
So put away that meat you're selling
Cuz I do know what's good for me-
And I've done what I could for you
But you're not benefiting, and yet I'm sitting
Singing again, sing, sing again
How can I deal with this, if he won't get with this
M'I gonna heal from this; he won't admit to it
Nothing to figure out; I gotta get him out
It's time the truth was out that he don't give a
Shit about me
How many times can it escalate
Till it elevates to a place I can't breathe?
And I must decide, if you must deride
That I'm much obliged to up and go
I'll idealize, then realize that it's no
Sacrifice, because the price is paid, and
There's nothing left to grieve
Fuckin go-
Cuz I've done what I could for you, and I do know what's
Good for me and I'm not benefiting, instead
I'm sitting singing again, singing again, singing again,
Sing, sing, sing again
How can I deal with this, if he won't get with this
M'I gonna heal from this; he won't admit to it
Nothing to figure out; I gotta get him out
It's time the truth was out that he don't give a
Shit about me
Fiona Apple - "Get Gone"
http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/fionaapple/getgone.html

Why do we
Crucify ourselves
Every day
I crucify myself
Nothing I do is good enough for you
Crucify myself
Every day
And my heart is sick of being in chains

Tori Amos - "Crucify"
http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/toriamos/crucify.html

You really got me this time.

The words of a dozen love gone wrong songs fill my head as I try desperately to grasp what has happened today.

I went to sleep last night envisioning our lives together and I was awoken this morning...

I feel so beaten - defeated. Talk about flogging a dead horse. I've been through this with you at least a half dozen times. I suppose that says more about me than you.

I truly believed you when you said you wanted to spend your life with me. I thought this was the logical next step for us. I thought our time had finally come.

36 hours later you change your mind and tell me via text.

I feel like a fool - a moron. Like this will happen to me my whole life. That I will love and not be loved back the same way just as it has been in every previous relationship.

Ronan said...

“I miss the way you looked into my eyes when we were in the car together; the way you touched the back of my hair and stroked my face.”

“I miss feeling loved when you kissed me.”

This all reminds me very much of Duncan, who always “loved” me, was always apologetic and who always dumped me without warning.

Ronan as Duncan and Jason as Mike?

As my life repeats itself over and over again.

Jason loves me, a lot, but just “not that way”. Yet he is ridiculously sexually attracted to me – even more so than to his girlfriend. He flew here from Belfast just to spend one day with me.

So what do I do to stop my life from going 'round in circles? Counseling, dieting, career, school, friends – what? I feel I've done so many things that have taken me so far away form where I was before (not just physically, but mentally). Yet once my life starts going forward again, it's like the tape got stuck and I'm living it over in different places with different people, but the story is always the same.

“All around me are familiar faces, worn out places, worn out faces.” -Mad World, Gary Jules

I've met people form different countries, different cultures, all around the Western World and still my life continues to be just like it was at Gavit High School in Hammond, Indiana with the boy from down the street. Why? I've not only moved, but I've also had many life experiences which have completely changed my way of thinking and how I live my life.

Mondays. Normally I don't like Mondays (kind of like that song, though not that extreme) but I've started taking Mondays off work and they are a lot better now. I don't work forty hours a week, or at least I'm not supposed to, so I decided no work for me on Monday. I'm working today, though, but it's just meetings so not too bad. I went to the dr. this morning to get some more blood taken. I am really a wuss at this sort of thing and get all dizzy and lightheaded when they've taken like a nano-ounce of blood. Well, I am anemic after all! Anyhoo, this is to see if the iron pills are working and if the mysterious infection that was in my body before has gone or not. Then I have a meeting in a bit to discuss some new international volunteers for the fall and then at 3:30 a meeting with Groundwork to discuss a joint project.

It is a beautiful day in the neighbourhood today! We might paint our fence tomorrow with the kids. Olka says ours is the shabbiest on our street. Funny how I never noticed...

Well, I better do some work before my meeting. You know, since Monday's my day off and all!

Later gators,
Sabrina :-)