Cambodia Panic Attack

I am trying to sort out the details of my Cambodia/Tokyo/Washington DC trip that I so bravely booked a couple of months back and I feel like I am ready to puke. What in the sam hell was I thinking? I knew it was outside of my comfort zone, but I was feeling all powerful and hopped up from my Canadian road trip, I thought, I am woman, hear me travel and all of that good stuff. And then I saw the plane seat size - 16.5 inches wide. WTF?! My ass is much larger than 16.5 inches wide.

Well, to console myself, I'm getting a hotel with a pool and a bathtub so I can chill when I arrive. Via taxi. Which I will hopefully have to myself. With air conditioning. I am the not the 20 something I once was, that's for sure!

Would I do it all again? Ronan Edition

Last night after a nice day with my boyfriend and his kids, I settled down to sleep. I had this very vivid dream. I was having a conversation in the cosmos with Ronan. Arguing/debating over whether all the hurt, drama and emotional scarring was worth the short amount of time we had together. I wondered aloud whether I would choose to do it all again. Ronan and I were discussing whether or not this would happen again in life, as if we were souls deciding our bodies' fate.

I was angry and relaying all the pain and hurt. Shouting. Crying. Indignant. Certain I would never make that mistake again. Then I remembered: the feeling of love at first sight.

I remembered how my heart skipped a beat. I remembered looking up at him when we first met outside of the phone booth in downtown Belfast. I remembered what it felt like to have my arms around his neck. I remembered it all. My eyes softened and now I was smiling through the tears. Would I want to go through life without having had that feeling? Never. So then and there my soul decided that I would make that choice again. If I were to send myself back to 2003, I would make the same choice, no regrets. All worth it for the feeling of love. 

I just wish I had more photos. 

Oh, how much I've learned. And to be clear, when I say I would do it again, I mean, I wouldn't change anything from the past. I have the choices to make in the future, and I would not put myself through more pain and hurt with this particular man because I've learned it goes nowhere. But I wouldn't take it back. 

October 25th –virginessary

This is the day I lost my virginity many years ago. Since that year, I have not had sex on this date ever again. This is not on purpose, Is it like when a ball player gets their number retired? This date is now hanging in the rafters in my bedroom? Or vagina?

We had been toying around with the notion and building up to this. Second base, third base, heavy petting, dry humping, even some real life connections between his you-know-what in my you-know-where. But on this day, it was like the heavens opened up (my vagina) and it actually went in. Since it wasn’t really planned, there was no condom involved. And since there was no condom involved, it did not last to completion. Or very long at all. It could have happened prior if we would have “forced” it, but thankfully he did not press the issue I was never one for pain. So when it finally happened, naturally, organically, I was pleased. People asked if it hurt. No. Simply because we had worked up to it. My body was prepared for it.

Unlike that time we tried anal. Son of a bitch. 

Roasting

Is it not proper decorum to get up in the middle of the night and sleep on the air mattress because your boyfriend's body heat is boiling you alive? Asking for a friend.

My poor guy is probably coming down with something. We had a nice weekend together. He cooked for me, carried my groceries upstairs and put them away. He helped me tidy up my car a bit. We had lots of snuggle time. But last night was too hot to handle. It probably doesn't help that I have a full size bed and my boyfriend is anyway hot, if you know what I mean, wink wink nudge nudge. :)

Depression has no reason

I have depression. It's not because there is something wrong with my life. It's because of chemicals in my brain. This should be clear to me especially now. I was having horrible intrusive thoughts today and yesterday. Just overall very symptomatic. Why? I have an awesome boyfriend. I have a job that pays me more than I've ever made before, that actually uses my education. I finished grad school. I have my own place and car, family and friends who love me, and a great trip to Cambodia coming up next month. There is no reason I should be depressed, yet here I am. I want answers. I want to actually have my serotonin and dopamine levels checked. I've been medicated for fourteen years and never had this done. I'm glad that I'm functional. That's better than not being functional. However, I want more. I want to be happy. I want to not have negative thoughts daily. Just really feel happy. It's that too much to ask?

Notes from a conversation with my rapist

I've talked about how, back in 2013, I got in contact with the person who raped me twenty years prior. It started with a phone conversation. A long phone conversation. I made a video right afterwards so that I could document my feelings. I would share it here but it's over 20 minutes long and I'd really like to edit it for length. Well I was cleaning out papers and apparently during that phone conversation in 2013 I was taking notes in a spiral notebook. Here is a glimpse as to what those notes looked like.

 There are things here that I didn't remember from the phone conversation and then I had it mentioned in my video. 

A priest prayed with him in jail. I don't remember anyone praying with me at the hospital. He spent a night in jail. I spent twenty years living in fear. 

Seeing these words again made my blood boil over things I had forgotten or pushed to the back of my mind. Does that mean I don't really forgive him? No, I don't think so. It means that I'm made at a society that allows a rape culture to exist. That even if the grand jury trial happened today, there would still be at least one juror who would go up to the rapist after the hearing, and just as he did twenty plus years ago, tell him, "you better watch out who you associate with". Yes, that really happened. 

O Canada

This summer I took a road trip to Canada. Earlier this year I finally got my passport renewed. It had been expired for years. I was bound and determined to make use of my new passport this summer. When I couldn't afford summer priced airfare, I decided to get in my car and drive to Canada. Niagara Falls was already on my bucket list so it's served multiple purposes. I went by myself since Geoff had to work. It was awesome. I used Airbnb for places to stay. The American dollar was worth more than the Canadian dollar so my money went farther than I expected.

On my way to Niagara Falls I stopped in Ann Arbor Michigan to stay with my brother and his family. I also stopped in London, Ontario and St. Catharines, Ontario on my way back I stopped in Hamilton Ontario and Windsor, Ontario. I stopped in Ann Arbor again to see my brother on the way back. My brother was recently married and I have a 13 year old step daughter. I met her for the first time. She introduced me to Snapchat and I played around with some of the image filters. I also spend a lot of time watching her and Brian play Pokemon go. The first day I was at my brother's house it was the day before my birthday so they got me a birthday cake and sang to me so that was fun.

In Canada some of the differences I noted included; poutine, ketchup chips, differences Kit Kats and Oreos, speed limits listed in kilometers per hour,  gas stations listing prices in liters instead of gallons, to name a few.

I was finally able to get Facebook live to work and use it for the first time while on my journey. I used it a few times throughout the trip.

Niagara Falls was breathtaking. The body ride near it was amazing and worth the wet hair! Someone gave me their tourist card that they weren't going to use any more of that day. So I got free admission to the white rapids and I got to use the buses for the day. That was really awesome.

There really is so much to tell about the trip but the main idea is I had so much fun and I'm so glad I did it. This was my first paid summer off as a teacher and I wanted to make the absolute most of it. I'm looking forward to many new adventures as this road trip has reawakened my traveling Desires. In fact, I've just booked a trip to Cambodia over Thanksgiving break. I have a layover in Tokyo and I'm super excited about all of it. Sabrina is traveling once again.

To be loved

As I lie next you and feel your arm wrapped around my waist, I smile, but then pause. For a brief moment, I remember a different time in my life. A time when I would lie awake next to someone just wishing they would love me. And they didn't. Furthermore, they made me believe that I was unlovable. Every now and again, he would accidentally put his arm around me or accidentally make some sort of intimate gesture in his sleep. I would freeze. Happy, not wanting the moment to end, I would rejoice in this show of affection, however unintentional. I would not want to move because then he might shift and the affection would be over. His arm would no longer be around me and I would no longer feel like I was loved. I would stare at him while he slept wishing for him to love me. And I stayed. Night after night. Lying next to someone who didn't love me and said and did mean things to me. I thought I was lucky to have it. Thought I was lucky anyone would allow me to sleep in their bed. That came from my own mind, but he reinforced it very well. He told me that no one would put up with me. That I wasn't attractive. That I was weird and broken. I protested, but I believed it was true, so I stayed. I waited for him to accidentally touch me in the night so I could feel, however brief, what it felt like to be loved.

And now, I have you. You love me unconditionally. My faults are the reasons you love me, not what you love me in spite of. You hold my hand in public. You kiss my forehead.  You wake up with me in the middle of the night when I have nightmares and are happy to comfort me. You've shown me that rubbing my feet isn't gross like I thought! You will put cream on any part of my body I can't reach, no matter how embarrassing it is. You would cuddle me all day and all night if we didn't have life obligations ;-) You love me. You. Love. Me. I can shift all I want in bed to get comfortable because I know as soon as I settle in, your arm is coming right around me. I know you love me. I feel loved. I know now that I was deserving this all along. I know now that I am loveable. I know now that I am not broken.

Negative is still positive, right?

What is going on?

I haven't had my period since February. Naturally concerned, I took a pregnancy test when my period was about ten days late. It was negative. Forty days later, still no period. I took another pregnancy test. I had all of this self talk going like, "You already took one, you know you're not pregnant", "Maybe it was too early when you took the last one and it didn't show up yet", "You have put on a few pounds, maybe you are", "But you always use protection", "But protection isn't 100%". I figured the only way to put all of these thoughts to rest was to take another test.

Negative. Again. I should be relieved, right?

Am I relieved?

I should be relieved. What am I thinking? I JUST SAID that I am definitely not ready for children yet. After spending time with my boyfriend's kids, I knew that was a plank I was not quite ready to walk. But before that, I was SO POSITIVE I wanted kids NOWLIKERIGHTNOW because I'm 38 years old and I don't know how much longer I will be able to have kids.

I knew it wasn't the right time. I want to be married. I want to be stable. I want to be ready.

This is a good thing, right?

Yet, still, there was disappointment. Seeing that negative result kind of stung.

Just to be sure

So now I try and look it logically. If I do want a baby, it will likely have to be within the next few years. Would I want to be pregnant in the body I have now? That would be difficult. Being overweight puts even more risk on my pregnancy, already having diabetes and advanced maternal age. Maybe I could better control my diabetes? Maybe I could be more physically fit so that pregnancy doesn't feel like prison. Sometimes I already feel like I walk and get up like a pregnant person. Would the back pain be worse? I'm sure the fatigue would knock me on my ass. The fatigue already knocks me on my ass. If I could move a couple of rings higher on the health ladder, maybe pregnancy will be more bearable for me.

That's not going to happen in fifty days. So I might as well get ready now.

I was triggered by an email from my boss

This time around I have made it a point to have a good work-life balance. This means that I don't check work email at home. However, as the school year has gone on I will let that policy slip a little bit and check email here and there. That's what happened last night when while lying in bed I checked my work email to find an email from my principal. The subject was in all caps important please read. It was about dress code. More specifically about women's dress code. Since the weather was getting warmer it said it was time to go over some of the expectations. I immediately got defensive and started to feel facing a grand jury having to explain my actions.

That day I had worn a long dress. Floor length but sleeveless. I wore a long sleeve sweater draped over my shoulder so that my arms were not exposed. However, as the day went on and the air conditioner did not seem to be working in my room I took the sweater off leaving my arms bare. Shock and horror of course. Now this in itself was a big step for me because I normally don't expose my arms at all. I never have. Even when I was skinny I was self-conscious about the fact that they were so pale. Now that I'm larger, I'm self-conscious about their size. It seems that the world did not stop spinning if my arms were showing. Except for today. I'm sure the email was not just about me. But I'm sure I was included as a focus of the email. And that just crushed me. Because I couldn't help but think but what if my arms weren't fat would it have been okay?

Another issue that was addressed was cleavage. I actually have my dress pinned together at the top so as not to show cleavage. However it's definitely not all the way up to the neck. I thought about the women who work at my school who wear traditional Muslim clothing and cover their heads, their arms and their necks. I suddenly felt very self-conscious about all that I had shown and all of my clothing throughout the year.

You wouldn't think that such a routine email could set me off so much. But PTSD is real. Having to defend my clothing, my actions, my femaleness in general just takes me back to that dark place in my life when I was a teenager who was told that I should have expected to be raped.

It affected me so much that I didn't go to work today. Then as a snowball effect I felt bad about myself for having been affected so much which made me feel even worse about myself and so on Down the Line.

I guess it was about time for this to happen. After all, I had been feeling pretty positive about myself. Pretty confident. But then I was reminded that I am a fat, strike one, woman, strike two, in a patriarchal society. It will probably always be this way, at least in my lifetime. I just hope I can get better at not letting things affect me so strongly. I'm reminded about the saying of a ship in the middle of the ocean. It is not the water that drowns the ship,

it is the water that gets in. I need to not let certain things get in. By the way, here is a picture of me in the dress.

My Life in Videos and Pictures

This is currently my favorite thing on the internet:

Just a few months ago, this would not have even made me chuckle. That's because prior to February 2016, I had never seen any part of Star Wars. 

That changed thanks to this man:

On Valentine's Day weekend, we watched Star Wars Episode IV, V and VI. A couple weeks later, we went and saw The Force Awakens in the theater. (His fourth time). We went to Studio Movie Grill, which serves dinner and drinks during the movie. That was awesome, and my boyfriend who doesn't often outwardly show excitement was genuinely excited about the whole experience.

A level of excitement I didn't see again until we went to the Dr. Who store yesterday. I have yet to see an episode of Dr. Who, but I am getting familiar with the references. 

That trip inspired me to look for Dr. Who dresses. I found these two:

But then I thought that maybe I could take my graduation dress and somehow make it into a Tardis dress with a thick black and white belt or something. 

Another video that is meaningful to me right now is this one:

And that's because it reminds me of me and my boyfriend (whose name is Geoff). Our relationship didn't start out smoothly. In fact, we ended before we really ever began. However, we stayed friends and without the pretense of a romantic relationship we were much more open and honest to each other and it just blossomed from there. In fact, I learned that I operate most of the time with high shields up around me and can keep people at arm's length. I accidentally erased the comment, but my longtime friend, Danielle, agreed with this assessment and said she felt like she was one of the very few who ever saw the real me. 

Apparently, at least one person thinks the real me shines like the sun!

My new family member

On Christmas Eve, I officially adopted a fur baby. His name is Chewy. He is eight years old and a Bichon Yorkie mix. He is such a good dog and I look forward to our many adventures together. This is the first time I have had a dog by myself, so I am a bit nervous, but I have hopes this is just the beginning of many great things to come.

A couple of articles

Just came across these in facebook and it is like the universe is reading my mind

http://www.bustle.com/articles/129270-7-signs-you-grew-up-with-a-toxic-parent-didnt-know-it




http://www.bustle.com/articles/128987-11-things-you-learn-about-body-positivity-when-you-date-a-smaller-partner?utm_source=FBOnsite

Just let him go

You left him. You decided to end your marriage. You started another relationship. You moved in with someone else. You told him to find someone else. Then he did. And you lost your shit.

You can't have it both ways. You can't not want him and not want him to be with anyone else. You can't cut the tie that binds and expect him to hold up his end long after you abandoned yours and tied onto someone else. It's not fair; to him, to your new partner, to me, the one he found. We all now suffer because like a two year old who hoards their toys, you don't want anyone else to have him: The one you long ago discarded.

Just let him go.

Please.

Grand Opening - Indiana Style

I don't mean to brag, but I attended a Grand Opening this weekend. I know, be jealous. A hot, new nightclub? Nope. Perhaps a museum? Not quite. See, here in Indiana, our Grand Openings have a more practical nature. The Kroger Marketplace opened up directly across the street from the old Kroger. It's a good time to be a Hoosier.

The new Kroger Marketplace has a fuel station. We have plenty of gas stations 'round these here parts, but no Kroger station. You can use your Kroger loyalty card to get a certain amount off each gallon of gas. Score! I pulled in and saw gas was only $1.67! The lowest I've seen it in probably a decade. Double Score! I worry that I won't be able to use my Kroger card at the pump because I only have the key chain card and not the full size one that you slide in and out. Well, lo and behold, you can scan your key chain card at the pump. Triple Score! Now I choose my fuel type and see that they are offering a 20 cent per gallon discount if you scan your Kroger card in honor of the Grand Opening. Grand Slam! You can put it on the board...YES! Gas for $1.47 a gallon.

Once I filled up, I made my way across the parking lot to the main event. I was thinking  I would probably have to park far away, but I found a spot pretty close to the door. Sweet! Reminds me of the days of the small store. You know, like last week.

My first order of business was to buy a new wallet. Mine has been falling apart for some time now, and it really is time to put it out of its misery. The problem was that I couldn't find another one with the same kind of layout. I was having trouble finding them, so I asked a couple of friendly Kroger associates who pointed out it was in the very next aisle over and gave me a coupon for 25% off. Don't mind if I do.

I saw these tubs of cranberries and I had the strong urge recreate the scene from I Love Lucy, where they smash grapes with their feet.

I was really intrigued by this ice cream. It looked a lot like the Mickey Mouse ice cream I've been craving for years but is out of circulation. I decided to give it a try. The reality of what came out of the package was a bit of a disappointment compared to the picture. The bottom pink part came half off just from being unwrapped. Oh well. Win some, lose some. And yes, I unwrapped it in the car in the parking lot because I could not wait to get home.

They seem to have a lot of vegetarian options, which is good. Though I didn't see my run of the mill Morningstar or Boca products. I did, however, get a lecture on the unhealthiness of vegetarianism by one of the associates handing out wafer samples with dip. I asked what was in the dip, which is what started the discussion. How long have I been a vegetarian she asks? Twenty-one years. She seems taken aback. In my mind, I'm rolling my eyes. I am by no means the picture of health, far from it! but my B12 levels are perfect. And since when did I ask for the opinion of the sample person at the new Kroger?

And in that mood, I turned the corner and saw that Kroger threw up Christmas.

Woman in the parking lot as we were leaving says, "The new store is great, but it was too big, it gave me a headache." I hear ya, sistah. Good thing there is 20% off liquor for the Grand Opening. Oh, but wait, it's Sunday. We can't buy alcohol in Indiana on Sunday, because you know, Jesus. Oh, how you tease us, new Kroger!

American Ronan

I have met the American version of Ronan and he is an asshole. What? You say. How does this differ from Irish Ronan? Well, I can see it so clearly when I’m not blinded my feelings or the novelty of his Irish accent. Twelve years ago this month is when I was first cast under Irish Ronan’s spell.

American Ronan, let's call him "John", and I met online (as did Irish Ronan and I). He was tall and slender, just like Ronan. We were instant messaging each other and when I tell him I'm looking for Mr. Right, he tells me he's more like Mr. Right Now. I tell him that's not what I'm looking for and we are about to go our separate ways when he starts detailing his life story on me. I am really intrigued so I keep asking more questions. At the end he asks if he ever had a shot. A shot at what? No, I told you I don't want to bang, I didn't think talking to you would lead you to believe I'd changed my mind. He basically says I led him on and even worse, made him tell me his life story for nothing. Whatever, he's a douche.

So if this would have been Ronan, I would have felt bad for misleading him and questioned whether or not I was to blame.

Some other things "John" said that prove he is an asshole:

"I'll keep going until two or three seconds after she says stop."

"I do the job of like five people at work, they can't keep me busy enough."

"No condom?"

"Are you this hard on all men?"

Voice mail message: "If it's important, I'll get back with you. If not, don't hold your breath."

"Sometimes I have a silver tongue, or can talk people into what I want."

"I still want something more sexual based instead of emotionally based."

"I want sex, and if friends come out of it, so be it...but I don't want to become a friend and never leave the friend zone."

"I like to have sex with bigger women, but date skinny girls."

----------------------------------

I really don't need to say more about John. I mean, he's an asshole. But what has been so glorious about meeting this asshole is that he has helped open my eyes to the reality of what Ronan is. Some of things John said are the same as what Ronan said, and I can so easily roll my eyes at John and move on but for some reason, leave my heart strings tied to Ronan. Part of it is my love for him. Part of it is the novelty of his nationality. Another part of it is that he reminds me of a time of my life where I was actually living life the way I wanted to live it. I was young and pretty carefree and just moving from country to country without much thought or planning. That's something that I will probably never get back. It's like having Ronan in my life is a connection to that part of my former self.

But that doesn't mean he's not an asshole.

Give a mouse a cookie

Despite working at a high poverty school, my students can be very ungrateful at times. They are definitely not shy about asking for more. Here are some instances I've come across in just the last couple of months as a high school teacher;

Buying Jimmy Johns for student and him asking me to heat it up for him, making a special trip to the other side of the school.

Did science fair project research for student; he lost it within an hour and told me to do it for him again.

Print off color photos for their project for another class and they complain about the quality, size, and/or want to go back and print more because they didn't realize how small they would print out.

Buying poster boards for them and them asking for a new one because they made a tiny mis-mark on theirs.

Saying, "it was only $1" when I asked them to not waste the colored electrical tape that I bought with my own money for their project.

Buying candy bars, sweet tarts, nerds, twizzlers and still having someone complain that I don't have the candy they like and/or there isn't enough of it.

Asking me to give up my lunch/prep time to help them, and additionally asking me to buy THEM lunch.

A student had their teacher call me and ask if they could come do their work in my office. I told them they could, but they had to come straight here, no bathroom, no locker and I would not let them leave once they got there. I go out in the hallway to see what is taking them so long, and see them coming out of the bathroom. "I can't even go to the bathroom? Forget it, I'm going back to class."

I was helping students with a geometry quiz. I haven't studied geometry in over 25 years. All I have to do is read the words to them and make sure they have a calculator. What I do, though, is provide them with an example for each section to jog their memory. As I'm looking through my notes to figure something out, they start talking to each other about non school related stuff. I tell them to keep it down. Thirty seconds later, again. Finally, I snap and say, "forget it, I'm not helping you. Do it on your own." They look at each other and me like I have lost my mind. 

Car Accident

Last week I was involved in a car accident. I was on my way to work on Wednesday morning about 7:30 a.m. I was on the expressway. I was cruising right along when seemingly out of nowhere there was a vehicle at a dead stop. I’m not sure exactly how fast I was going, but it was at least 40 mph. I remember the red bumper getting larger and larger. I came to the realization that this was indeed happening. I was going to hit this car, and I was going to hit it hard. I think I may have even recoiled instinctively in my seat, trying to get as far away from the approaching car as possible.

I see cars pulling over to the shoulder.  My car wouldn’t move. There were lights flashing everywhere in the car. I wondered if the airbag might have a delayed reaction. I realized my glasses were no longer on my face. They had flown off during the impact. I look at the front passenger seat and wonder what other things aren’t where they are supposed to be. I see a line of cars behind me.

The man in the car in front of me tells me to put my car in neutral. He pushed me to the side of the road.

I tried to call 911. There was some recording. I could not comprehend what it was saying. I was so confused. All I was prepared to do was say I had been in a car accident and give my location. This was outside my realm of understanding. I hang up and then the man who pushed me over comes to my window, and I just hand him my phone and tell him something about 911. He has his own phone, of course, and calls from it. 

He tells me that maybe my car just died out from the impact and to try and start it again. I do, and it starts, but it still won't move. 

I called Mom crying. I called Jay to pick me up. And to just help me because I can’t even think right now.  

The police showed up. Tell me to turn my car off. It was smelling funny and smoking.

Jay showed up.

Immediately after accident. Bruises expanded.

The car was towed.

I went to the emergency room. There were metal detectors. Jay has to go back and put his knife in the car. 

The pain will get worse before it gets better they tell me.

I rented a car.

When you look down at your bruises and smile wide because you know how lucky you are that's the only injury you have. And that injury from the seat belt kept you from getting far worse injuries. 

Dreams again

I was given a medication I can take to stop nightmares. But once I start it, I can't just stop. The main side effect is dizziness upon standing. I was so not going to take it but after the nightmares I've had the past couple of nights I'm strongly considering it. I think they really do affect my mood during the day.

Here are some of the symbols from my dreams recently; (I dreamt I was riding a horse while lying down that I couldn't control, or never learned how to control and it didn't stop at the train tracks when a train was going by at high speed and was decapitated. I believe the horse was brown)

Horseback Riding 
To dream that go horseback riding indicates that you are in a high position or in a position of power. You have confidence in your ability. Alternatively, the dream represents your lack of integrity. You will achieve success through underhanded means. If you are riding a horse that is out of control, then it means that you are being carried away by your passions.

Horse 
To see a horse in your dream symbolizes strength, power, endurance, virility and sexual prowess. It also represents a strong, physical energy. You need to tame the wild forces within. The dream may also be a pun that you are "horsing around". Alternatively, to see a horse in your dream indicates that you need to be less arrogant and "get off your high horse"
If you see a dead horse in your dream, then it indicates that something in your life that initially offered you strength is now gone. This may refer to a relationship or situation. Consider the phrase "beating a dead horse" to indicate that you may have maximized the usefulness of a certain circumstance.

Train 
To see a train in your dream represents conformity. You are just going along with what everyone else is doing. Alternatively, a train means that you are very methodical. You need to lay things out specifically and do things in an orderly and sequential manner. In particular, if you see a freight train, then it refers to the burdens and problems that you are hauling around. It is also symbolic of manual labor. If you see a passenger train, then it relates to mental work. If you see or play with a model train in your dream, then it indicates that you want more control and power over your own life and where it is headed. Dreaming of trains may also be a metaphor that you are "in training" for some event, job or goal. According to Freud, a train is analogous to the male penis.

To see or dream that you are in a train wreck suggests chaos. The path to your goals are not going according to the way you planned it out. You are lacking self-confidence and having doubt in your ability to reach your goals. If you dream that a train collides with a car, then it indicates that your life goals are in conflict with your belief system. Perhaps someone wants you to pursue a goal that you are not passionate about. To dream that someone is hit by a train implies that they are on the wrong path in life. Perhaps you need to guide them in the right direction. Such dreams may also be a projection of your own Self. In other words, you are on the wrong life path and need to alter your course.

Behead 
To dream that you or someone else is being beheaded signifies poor judgment or a bad decision that you have made and regretted. You are not thinking clearly and are refusing to see the truth. You need to confront the situation or the person despite the pain and discomfort you might feel in doing so. The dream also suggests that you have the tendency to act before you think.

To dream that a snake is being beheaded indicates that you are refusing to face your fears.

Decapitation

This dream suggests you feel you are losing control in your waking life.

Horse

Depending on the details of the dream, horses can symbolize freedom, power and sexual energy. At times, they can also be considered messengers, relaying information from the unconscious to the conscious, from the spiritual to the physical. If you are horseback riding, it suggests that you are self assured and feel a sense of control in your daily life. Traditionally, the color of the horse is also significant. Black horses are said to point out delays; white horses are reinforcing the positive and transformative aspects of life; gray horses may point to the difficulties in the dreams current situation; Piebald horses are symbolic of confusion; brown horses of mental pursuits, and tan horses are said to be symbolic of love and sex.

Blood Moon

Holy shit! I just had the most amazing date. Dinner and then to a park to watch the sun set and then the blood moon eclipse. I've been home for an hour, and I still feel tingly all over. This super moon is supposed to bring change into our lives. I hope this is the beginning of a great positive change.