Notes from a conversation with my rapist

I've talked about how, back in 2013, I got in contact with the person who raped me twenty years prior. It started with a phone conversation. A long phone conversation. I made a video right afterwards so that I could document my feelings. I would share it here but it's over 20 minutes long and I'd really like to edit it for length. Well I was cleaning out papers and apparently during that phone conversation in 2013 I was taking notes in a spiral notebook. Here is a glimpse as to what those notes looked like.

 There are things here that I didn't remember from the phone conversation and then I had it mentioned in my video. 

A priest prayed with him in jail. I don't remember anyone praying with me at the hospital. He spent a night in jail. I spent twenty years living in fear. 

Seeing these words again made my blood boil over things I had forgotten or pushed to the back of my mind. Does that mean I don't really forgive him? No, I don't think so. It means that I'm made at a society that allows a rape culture to exist. That even if the grand jury trial happened today, there would still be at least one juror who would go up to the rapist after the hearing, and just as he did twenty plus years ago, tell him, "you better watch out who you associate with". Yes, that really happened.